A Prayer for the Dying

mswijiknyc said:

winter is my favorite
because my birthday is in December also like the cold, the snow, the lights at Christmas. The list goes on.

mswijiknyc said:

yeah
don't remind me ha ha. getting it tomorrow. icky.

luz del lago said:

Don't apologize for being a loving woman...
About a month ago my love's Onc brought up Hospice. I had researched about it, as I knew that some day we would need and use their help. My love had been dx with extensive sclc in April 2010. He had a difficult time accepting the idea as he didn't know that they could make difficult times easier for both of us. He thought it was just about dying. For two weeks when they began to come for visits, he was doing ok. One week before he passed away, he began to feel pain, was not eating and generally not feeling well. This was about the 10th of Dec. Yes, it was a circus here at the beginning of hospice, appts. for enrollment, intros to his nurse, social worker and chaplain. I just wrote down their names and positions. Around the 17th, my love began to leave this world. We had decided a while back that it may be better for me that he pass at the hospice instead of at home. Through that weekend my precious daughter was here and was able to care for her daddy, meds, bathing, assisting in walking. We did shifts as my love began to transition and became quite restless at times. At any point that we had a question, worry or concern, hospice was a phone call away. In the middle of Sunday night his pain began to intensify and I just called them, they gave me morphine instructions and to go ahead and put him on the oxygen to help and make him more comfortable. When they first came out weeks before they had ordered and placed meds and oxygen equipment. No one believed that we would be needing these so soon. By early morning my love's nurse arrived. His pain was getting a bit stronger so she ordered the "big guns" pain meds which were delivered to our door in less than 30 minutes. I phoned family and friends and soon my close family began to arrive. The chaplain arrived. My daughter and I had not slept in over 48 hrs. With my love in no pain and resting, we were able to sleep for a few hrs., knowing that he was being taken excellent care of by his nurse, and being loved and prayed for by our family. Yes, at 8:30 pm on Monday the 20th he left this world. His final hours were pain free. Sadly, no more words from him, but the whole 2 days before he repeatedly said how much he loved and adored me. Loved our children and grandbaby. As he took his last breaths, our room was filled with love and a calm. Yes we all cried, yes our hearts were breaking. I am so glad that a greater power made the decision for my love to pass in his home, in our bed. The bed that we loved in, shared in, argued in and spent many beautiful hours of our lives in. Nothing could have been more natural. And now I feel so much comfort and love in my bed. It is a very special place for me now, and I have not felt uneasy or traumatized by it. Of course, this has been right for me, and may not be for anyone else.
I want to share with you what happened to me the last 3 days of his life. I, too, was over-stressed, not being appreciated at times, missing the joy that was our life before the "Beast" entered. But on those last days something came over me. The adrenaline, energy, grace from God, call it what you like, took every negative thought and feeling away. I was being given the honor and gift to be the one to care and love this man that had cared and loved me for almost 30 yrs.! I was the one to administer meds to ease his pain. I bathed him. I gave him ice chips and put chap stick on his lips. All the time telling thank you for all the years of our lives together. Did I cry? Yes. But soon that "grace" I told you about would calm my tears and hurt. When he passed away, both my children and I were in the bed with him, with the rest of the family surrounding us. We played Keith Urban's "Making Memories Of Us", a song my love really felt touched his life. The passed 8 months of the struggle with the "Beast" were over. All the strife and conflict gone. Just peace and love floated in our room.
Be kind and patient with yourself. As this song says "you've been stretched to the limit". Embrace Hospice, as with their assistance you may be able to give a little to yourself, so that when time comes you will be strong and be in a place of calm, where you will be able to be the loving woman that you have always been to him in his time of need.
It's been 2 weeks now, and I miss my love terribly. And I get angry. And I'm still tired. I guess because now I have to be my own caregiver, and love and comfort myself. I am surrounded by love from family and friends, but it doesn't take away the deep loss I feel. But I am able to say that I loved him, I honored him and cared for him to the end of his journey, and somehow that gives me comfort.
Sending you hugs and best wishes,
Lucy