Coping with loved one with cancer who is depressed, angry, and mean

Angry mom
Jaw,
I guess I can understand why your mom is angry after all she's been through. Can't imagine how it would be to deal with this for 30 years. She's 83 years old and probably doesn't even realize she's being like that. I'm sure it's so hard on you, your dad, sister & kids. Is she getting any treatment now? Sounds like she's giving up and maybe doesn't care anymore. If I was you I'd try and ignore it cause who knows how much longer she'll be here.
Take care! "Carole"

Hello
I am sorry to hear about your Mother but I can understand her anger and depression because I was similar to her going through all that I did. I am a 23 year cancer survivor and it was only very recently that I realized that anger was in fact a big part of the trouble I was having with my family. I had no idea I was being like that but when I look back now I remember thinking 'where did that come from?' - fits of anger. I was always so shocked. What I am saying is that it can be out of your Mother's control at the source but overtime has worsened because it hasn't been diagnosed and controlled.

If your Mother had radiation to the lungs and it went as far up as the throat her thyroid might have been affected and that can mess with one's personality big time. If she was radiated as low as her ovaries she might have had hormonal changes which can do the same thing. I really think that she had some kind of physiological change from the treatments that produced a persoanlity change, as you would see it.

Also, or maybe too, she has gotten into that 'pushing people away from you' thing that often happens when people are very sick. Without realizing it they are doing that if they think they have little time left and want to protect family and friends from their own private hell and that too could be part of the cause for the temperament change.

She does sound terribly depressed but besides all of the possible reasons I have mentioned who the heck wouldn't be depressed with all that has happened to her, my guess her chemical imbalance is huge by now - just from treatments but also from her circumstances. We all go through stages of loss of our health and anger is one of them but sound like she has gotten stuck in anger for way too long.

A counsellor is the best idea and if one of the family members can get her to listen more than the others then that person needs to convince her that she needs to talk to someone and maybe they would even agree to come to the house to make it easier on her. The other thing you can do is have a one on one talk with her doctor or a counsellor yourself to see what they would suggest for her and the family and maybe on her next visit to her doctor for physical reasons, or her oncologist, they can have a heart to heart with her as well - with another family member present for support. She will probably be ticked off that the family has spoken to the doctor about her attitude but too bad - it's for her own good. Just explain to her that she wonders why no one comes around and that while you think maybe in part she can't help her anger issues it isn't pleasant to be around.

I guess the other thing you can do is just ignore her comments but that isn't really helping her and the wedge between the family and her will no doubt deepen. Depression is one thing that she can make better with meds and counselling is something that will help as well. I go into counselling once in awhile to check in and it really helps. For survivors/patients of cancer we feel a total loss of control over our own body that we thought we knew but is now seemingly fighting against us and it's not an easy thing to handle, especially when other cancers keep coming up - no time to recover - one disaster after another.

Your Mother could have some post traumatic stress disorder too but that has to be determined by a psychiatrist or psychology.

You can tell her that you talked with other survivors who say that they have experienced the anger and depression that she is experiencing and that some of us have chosen to make our situations better with the family by accepting help from doctors and counsellors.

Cancer isn't easy on anyone in the family, no doubt about that. I think the bottomline is that she needs professional help and someone has to be up front with her and tell her that family isn't coming around because she is being too harsh with them. Tell her that you are sure she doesn't mean to be but it could be the result of part of her treatment side effects made worse by not dealing with it all earlier. Tell her that you all love her and want the best for her including a better relationship with her but she has to want to help herself too in this. Maybe if she realizes that part of this might not be her conscious fault she might accept help more easily, I hope so. She has to take responsibility for the mean attitude though and she can't possibly want to be remembered like this to her family but she just needs some help in moving through the anger stage with whatever intervention would help for her conditions.

Hope some of the suggestions this site will help you and yours.

All the best.

Blessings,

Bluerose

bluerose said:

Hello
I am sorry to hear about your Mother but I can understand her anger and depression because I was similar to her going through all that I did. I am a 23 year cancer survivor and it was only very recently that I realized that anger was in fact a big part of the trouble I was having with my family. I had no idea I was being like that but when I look back now I remember thinking 'where did that come from?' - fits of anger. I was always so shocked. What I am saying is that it can be out of your Mother's control at the source but overtime has worsened because it hasn't been diagnosed and controlled.

If your Mother had radiation to the lungs and it went as far up as the throat her thyroid might have been affected and that can mess with one's personality big time. If she was radiated as low as her ovaries she might have had hormonal changes which can do the same thing. I really think that she had some kind of physiological change from the treatments that produced a persoanlity change, as you would see it.

Also, or maybe too, she has gotten into that 'pushing people away from you' thing that often happens when people are very sick. Without realizing it they are doing that if they think they have little time left and want to protect family and friends from their own private hell and that too could be part of the cause for the temperament change.

She does sound terribly depressed but besides all of the possible reasons I have mentioned who the heck wouldn't be depressed with all that has happened to her, my guess her chemical imbalance is huge by now - just from treatments but also from her circumstances. We all go through stages of loss of our health and anger is one of them but sound like she has gotten stuck in anger for way too long.

A counsellor is the best idea and if one of the family members can get her to listen more than the others then that person needs to convince her that she needs to talk to someone and maybe they would even agree to come to the house to make it easier on her. The other thing you can do is have a one on one talk with her doctor or a counsellor yourself to see what they would suggest for her and the family and maybe on her next visit to her doctor for physical reasons, or her oncologist, they can have a heart to heart with her as well - with another family member present for support. She will probably be ticked off that the family has spoken to the doctor about her attitude but too bad - it's for her own good. Just explain to her that she wonders why no one comes around and that while you think maybe in part she can't help her anger issues it isn't pleasant to be around.

I guess the other thing you can do is just ignore her comments but that isn't really helping her and the wedge between the family and her will no doubt deepen. Depression is one thing that she can make better with meds and counselling is something that will help as well. I go into counselling once in awhile to check in and it really helps. For survivors/patients of cancer we feel a total loss of control over our own body that we thought we knew but is now seemingly fighting against us and it's not an easy thing to handle, especially when other cancers keep coming up - no time to recover - one disaster after another.

Your Mother could have some post traumatic stress disorder too but that has to be determined by a psychiatrist or psychology.

You can tell her that you talked with other survivors who say that they have experienced the anger and depression that she is experiencing and that some of us have chosen to make our situations better with the family by accepting help from doctors and counsellors.

Cancer isn't easy on anyone in the family, no doubt about that. I think the bottomline is that she needs professional help and someone has to be up front with her and tell her that family isn't coming around because she is being too harsh with them. Tell her that you are sure she doesn't mean to be but it could be the result of part of her treatment side effects made worse by not dealing with it all earlier. Tell her that you all love her and want the best for her including a better relationship with her but she has to want to help herself too in this. Maybe if she realizes that part of this might not be her conscious fault she might accept help more easily, I hope so. She has to take responsibility for the mean attitude though and she can't possibly want to be remembered like this to her family but she just needs some help in moving through the anger stage with whatever intervention would help for her conditions.

Hope some of the suggestions this site will help you and yours.

All the best.

Blessings,

Bluerose

just to say, thank you blue rose
thank you

Coping with loved one with cancer who is depressed, angry, and m
Hi there, I share the same feelings as you. I am totally confused, beyond confused and feel horrible about myself because of my feelings and my words, and my actions.

My husband was diagnosed w/lung cancer this fall. He's 40. He had one lobe of his lung removed. He's a smoker, w/emphysema very bad on the other side. He has always been wound on the tight side, intense, not a joyful chap, more a dry, english, critic, but very interesting and willing to take risks.

The cancer diagnosis was so horrible to hear, dreadful to be on this journey. Our marriage was strong. He fought it well and went thru the radiation and surgery very well. But coming out of surgery, it was like he was a different person, mean, impatient, it was like the anesthesia permanently altered him. 1 week after surgery his prognosis was and still is very good. The radiation had killed the cancer and no metastasis.

You would think he would have an epiphany, or spiritual experience from this. But he is very angry. He started smoking again right out of the hospital. He became and stayed angry. Then just b4 his post op chemo (4 weeks after surgery) he decided to relapse into heroin. He had been sober 11 years. I confronted him and he said he had stopped. But didn't. I threw him out 2 days later, which happened to be the day after his first day of aggressive chemo. I had caught him lying about the drug use, and because I have children in the home, he had to go. He came back home 2 weeks after that, appears to be drug free, but he is very hard, and cold, and often shocking. Yes, he's still mad.

I get it. He doesn't know what he'll do for work. I get it. He may get cancer again, from the lung cancer or from treatment... I get it. What do I do? He is angry, critical, and depressed, and negative, and I (and this is the worst of it....) I am not able to find love for him, I was blown away by the heroin relapse, and now everyday is full of depression and angry verbal tones. For me, when he started using heroin again, the trust left, and quite honestly so did my sympathy. I know I sound horrible. I lost all my sympathy for him, I admit it.... and I know I don't have cancer.... but everyday, the more he feels sorry for himself, the harder and harder it is for me to be nicer.... and I find myself being really challenged to not be cruel back. And I fail, fail, fail, all the time. This man is fighting cancer, and having chemo.... and I am being horrid to him. I know I am in a pattern now, and have to stop it. Yes, I am going to counseling, and No, he wont go too, he will also not go alone to a different counselor.

I don't know what is right anymore, or what is understandable/acceptable. I only know that no one in my house wants to come home. None of us want to live here. Divorce has been brought up many times. He has 5 more weeks of chemo, and then he says he'll have a better outlook. I dont get it? Then again I'm not the one in chemo. or the one with cancer. I just don't know how to manage this, and I am not very proud of how mean I have been back to him. You are not alone in your feelings. I don't know what the answers are, I wish I did because I sleep next to this person every night, and I run interference when he gets on the kids (not his kids, 2nd marriage). And then I am mean and horrible, and then he throws up, or looks pale, or loses more weight.... I guess tomorrow is another day.