Journal?

Do any of you journal? Don't really know if this topic goes here, but when I write, I examine my spirituality, I pray and I meditate. I never really kept a journal, many times I attempted to but I suppose I either felt I was too busy or perhaps my life wasn't dramatic enough to record. When my love was diagnosed with lung cancer, I purchased two beautifully bound journals, one for each of us. I guess I now believed there was enough "drama" to record! My first attempts seemed more about schedules, treatments and appointments. I think I was afraid to write about the doubt, the fear and the idea of losing him. As time progressed I began to open up to myself. In my writing I began to know myself. My weaknesses, my strengths, my joys and my anguish.
In the beginning, I marked the half way point of the blank pages. From the front to the middle I wrote of the happiness in my days, the love, the hope. From the back to the middle, I wrote of the sadness, the despair, the questioning. Somehow I wished that there would be more on the "happy" side, or at least stay even.

When I had finished this first journal, and believe me, I was amazed that I had to go and purchase a second one, I began to develop a different approach to my writing. I didn't date the entries, as in those days I chose not to count time. I suppose it was because I didn't want to know how many days were left in regards to the estimate of survival time we had been given for my love. But towards the end of his life, I felt a need to record the dates. Maybe I thought I would need to know how I felt on those dates in the future.

Through writing I discovered that I needed to know where I stood in my spirituality. I have always had a "wonder" about organized religion. And thus it began. I began to read and explore the Bible. Concentrated on the recorded words of God, in particular. I needed to know for myself what He wants me to know. Not another's outlook. I'm old enough to understand what the meanings are to me. In the beginning of this spiritual journey, my love believed that I was challenging our religion ( Catholic). I shared with him that it was my desire to learn. Then he thought that it would make a great debate topic for us, and someone would come out victorious and win the debate. No way! I told him that I would respect his faith, but asked for the same.

Don't know if you care to know, but I'll share... My spiritual journey has led me to believe in God. To believe in His love and greatness. Where I go to praise Him, ask Him for help? Anywhere and everywhere. Many times, in my journal, I write to God. Since losing my love I have expressed my deep grief, anger and loneliness in the pages. I know that just because I believe in God, doesn't mean I don't get to feel these things. I also write to my love. Throughout our 29 years of marriage we wrote to each other almost daily. Love notes, you made me mad notes, sexy notes... I now have his words recorded for all time, and will treasure them like diamonds!

As for my love, he never really filled the pages of his journal. Many times he shared that doing certain things felt to him as he was giving up. I told him that I hoped he didn't think that I was giving up. I would be by his side through it all, and praying that he would be well. As I see it now, his notes were his way of writing. Two days before he went to be with the Lord, he wrote his last words to me, almost illegible, but he wrote," I love and adore you" and signed it, Dennis.