I have to escape for a while

missrenee
missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
After this sad news about Heidi today, I need to pray, think, meditate, and show those all around me how much I love and care about them. I will be praying for all of us who are suffering or fighting, confused, lost, or frightened.

I'll be back soon.

Hugs and heartfelt prayers, Renee
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Comments

  • weazer
    weazer Member Posts: 440
    #2
    I'm joining you
    Dito on all of the above.
    Hugs Karie
  • meena1
    meena1 Member Posts: 1,003
    #3
    weazer said:

    I'm joining you
    Dito on all of the above.
    Hugs Karie

    I lost a close friend on the
    I lost a close friend on the boards in October and I still read her messages to me and cry! It is so hard to be positive when there is so much pain when you lose someone here. I know we all think "that could have been me". But we all need each other for support.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #4
    meena1 said:

    I lost a close friend on the
    I lost a close friend on the boards in October and I still read her messages to me and cry! It is so hard to be positive when there is so much pain when you lose someone here. I know we all think "that could have been me". But we all need each other for support.

    I totally get it. Sometimes
    I totally get it. Sometimes I have needed to go away particularly when there has been fighting. Sometimes you need to get out of cancer's shadow, regroup , and move again. Its simply too hard sometimes. i miss people who go away, but hope they will return when it is best for them. Ultimately we need to take care of ourselves, no one else can do that.
    I am trying to plan a trip for january, I wasnt going to go money etc... but now I think need to seize the day and go. Heidi has reminded me of this. BIG HUGS to all the sisters and brothers, but we are strong we will get through!
  • Christmas Girl
    Christmas Girl Member Posts: 3,682 Member
    #5
    carkris said:

    I totally get it. Sometimes
    I totally get it. Sometimes I have needed to go away particularly when there has been fighting. Sometimes you need to get out of cancer's shadow, regroup , and move again. Its simply too hard sometimes. i miss people who go away, but hope they will return when it is best for them. Ultimately we need to take care of ourselves, no one else can do that.
    I am trying to plan a trip for january, I wasnt going to go money etc... but now I think need to seize the day and go. Heidi has reminded me of this. BIG HUGS to all the sisters and brothers, but we are strong we will get through!

    Cyberhugs to all my pink sisters here...
    ... who may need to "take a break" from the board. Totally understandable. Have done so many times.

    Keeping all of you close in hopeful thoughts - with sincerest & heartfelt wishes for comfort, healing & good health.

    Kindest regards, Susan
  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
    #6
    Christmas Girl said:

    Cyberhugs to all my pink sisters here...
    ... who may need to "take a break" from the board. Totally understandable. Have done so many times.

    Keeping all of you close in hopeful thoughts - with sincerest & heartfelt wishes for comfort, healing & good health.

    Kindest regards, Susan

    I understand.
    When I first joined a support group (Dr. Bernie Seigel who wrote "Love, Medicine, and Miracles" and many more books has meetings in my area), there were 3 women with Stage IV breast cancer, one with Stage IV lung cancer. The rest of us were in earlier stages of our diseases. I was terrified and wasn't sure I would continue. I'm glad I did. These women are spectacular and so far the women with breast cancer are doing very well. I have learned so much from them. I was raised to believe in the happy ending so when we lost a member to lung cancer after a 1 1/2 year fight, I was shocked. How could this happen? She had 3 young children and a wonderful husband. She had recommended a book to me called, "The Shack" which I read after her death and has helped me accept (but not like) the inevitable. We will lose people we love due to many causes...life does end in death every time. In the meantime, there is lots to enjoy.

    By the way when my friend was taken due to lung cancer I stayed away from the meetings for 2 weeks. I needed time to grieve in my own way. When I was ready, I went back. I hope you do too.

    Roseann
  • aysemari
    aysemari Member Posts: 1,596 Member
    #7
    Dear Renee
    I know this shook you up and I hope that you can find comfort and
    strength with your family and your meditations.

    I sure will miss you. But I know you will come back after all
    we are now sisters. Maybe I joined this club not by choice
    but meeting and getting to know you, was a very good choice.

    Sending you my Love,
    Ayse
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #8
    Do what you feel is right for you....
    We will leave the light on for you, and the bed turned down!

    Safe journey, wherever it leads you....


    Hugs, Kathi
  • mrs gadget
    mrs gadget Member Posts: 118
    #9
    right there with you...
    I need to take a little time away from this sadness for a while and concentrate on getting thru my own surgery...I peeked just to check in today, but it was just too overwhelming...

    I'll be back in a few weeks...

    Mrs gadget
  • tommaseena
    tommaseena Member Posts: 1,769
    #10
    mrs gadget said:

    right there with you...
    I need to take a little time away from this sadness for a while and concentrate on getting thru my own surgery...I peeked just to check in today, but it was just too overwhelming...

    I'll be back in a few weeks...

    Mrs gadget

    I am one
    I am one that does not post often.
    I do come in and read posts almost everyday.
    I wish there were more hours in a day or that I wasn't as busy as I am so I could post more and sometimes when I post it is only a joke but sometimes that is what some need and I'm glad that I can bring laughter to some. At this time laughter is not what my heart is feeling. My heart is sad as many of our hearts are for Heidi and others that we have lost in such a short period of time.

    We are here to support each other. If you need to take a break we do understand but also know that you will be in our thoughts.

    Hugs,
    Margo
  • smalldoggroomer
    smalldoggroomer Member Posts: 1,184
    #11
    I totally understand what
    I totally understand what you mean. I have thought about it my self. Some times the sadness just gets to be to great. We all need to get our center back in balance at times. I will miss Heidi very much. Even though she is with God now I still find her to be a inspiration to me. She was a warm hearted wonderful lady. The tears will stop someday but I will never forget her or any of the others that have gone home. We all take things for granted at times. Maybe we should all stop and smell the flowers. Cherish our families. And just live each day because cancer or not you really don't know when it is your last. Rest in peace Heidi, You will truly be missed. With a saddened heart Kay,
  • laurissa
    laurissa Member Posts: 773
    #12
    Today
    I just felt out of sorts because of the news, knowing things can happen so fast is scary.
  • BlownAway60
    BlownAway60 Member Posts: 851
    #13
    carkris said:

    I totally get it. Sometimes
    I totally get it. Sometimes I have needed to go away particularly when there has been fighting. Sometimes you need to get out of cancer's shadow, regroup , and move again. Its simply too hard sometimes. i miss people who go away, but hope they will return when it is best for them. Ultimately we need to take care of ourselves, no one else can do that.
    I am trying to plan a trip for january, I wasnt going to go money etc... but now I think need to seize the day and go. Heidi has reminded me of this. BIG HUGS to all the sisters and brothers, but we are strong we will get through!

    Carkris,
    I am still here and
    Carkris,

    I am still here and you are so right. I check in almost every day. Take your trip, you so deserve it.

    Hugs

    Donna

    Oh by the way retirement is wonderful.
  • sbmly53
    sbmly53 Member Posts: 1,522
    #14
    Dear Renee,
    We just had this discussion a week ago. While we share so much encouragement, we also share heartbreak. The need to 'step back' is self preservation.

    Take time, take care and regroup.

    With love,

    Sue
  • Scotch Freckles
    Scotch Freckles Member Posts: 273 Member
    #15
    I am taking a break too.
    The loss of Heidie so quickely along with my husband a couple of weeks ago has left me empty. I need time to put it all together again. I didn't get to say good-bye or I love you to either. I don't know if I will be back.

    Scotch Freckles
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    #16
    Take a break...
    It seems to have been a year of losses. Some in my personal life and some on CSN.

    There came a point, some time ago, that I had to walk away from the board. I did not know what to say anymore. I had no help to give. And worst of all, the fear that I felt just seemed to overwhelm me when I came here.
    The more afraid I became, the more deporessed I became, until finally, family members asked me not to come here for a bit...until I could regroup.

    So, I stayed away, although I kept in touch with some sisters whom I met here. Many of you are my friends on facebook, where we were/are still connected through CSN, but we could have fun and go for long periods of time without thinking about cancer. And it was working. I was feeling much better about things and the constant terror abated.

    Then someone I have known since childhood, passed from cancer this past summer. And the terror returned. Over time, it subsided and I could get it out of my head for awhile.
    Then a dear sister here developed mets...and my terror was not just for me, but for her. She has been doing very well, thank God, and the fear subsided again.
    Another family friend, age 51, was then taken by cancer. She was such a brave warrior, right until the end. But all I could picture in my mind, was myself in her place. It was just horrible. And the overwhelming fear almost did me in, this time.
    And the losses on this board. Incredibly painful.

    I have been able to finally push past the fear and the sadness each time. But it always seems that just as I am moving on with my life, BAMMM! Here it comes again. Someone I know or care about is stricken or dies. As I just told a sister, it always loops around and I am right back where I started...terrified.

    At any rate, I THOUGHT that by staying away from the board, I could forget and "get on with my life". Stay away from the unpleasantness of cancer and of losing those I care about. Stay away from all of the things that cause me such terror that there are times when I can't catch my breath.
    What I have, in fact discovered, is that none of us are let off the hook that easily. That no matter where we go or how far we run from it, we will never again have the peace in our lives that we took for granted before we developed cancer. For me, the fear will always be there. The sadness will always be there. The reality of this hideous disease will always be there, whether I frequent the board or stay away.

    CR
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #17
    CR1954 said:

    Take a break...
    It seems to have been a year of losses. Some in my personal life and some on CSN.

    There came a point, some time ago, that I had to walk away from the board. I did not know what to say anymore. I had no help to give. And worst of all, the fear that I felt just seemed to overwhelm me when I came here.
    The more afraid I became, the more deporessed I became, until finally, family members asked me not to come here for a bit...until I could regroup.

    So, I stayed away, although I kept in touch with some sisters whom I met here. Many of you are my friends on facebook, where we were/are still connected through CSN, but we could have fun and go for long periods of time without thinking about cancer. And it was working. I was feeling much better about things and the constant terror abated.

    Then someone I have known since childhood, passed from cancer this past summer. And the terror returned. Over time, it subsided and I could get it out of my head for awhile.
    Then a dear sister here developed mets...and my terror was not just for me, but for her. She has been doing very well, thank God, and the fear subsided again.
    Another family friend, age 51, was then taken by cancer. She was such a brave warrior, right until the end. But all I could picture in my mind, was myself in her place. It was just horrible. And the overwhelming fear almost did me in, this time.
    And the losses on this board. Incredibly painful.

    I have been able to finally push past the fear and the sadness each time. But it always seems that just as I am moving on with my life, BAMMM! Here it comes again. Someone I know or care about is stricken or dies. As I just told a sister, it always loops around and I am right back where I started...terrified.

    At any rate, I THOUGHT that by staying away from the board, I could forget and "get on with my life". Stay away from the unpleasantness of cancer and of losing those I care about. Stay away from all of the things that cause me such terror that there are times when I can't catch my breath.
    What I have, in fact discovered, is that none of us are let off the hook that easily. That no matter where we go or how far we run from it, we will never again have the peace in our lives that we took for granted before we developed cancer. For me, the fear will always be there. The sadness will always be there. The reality of this hideous disease will always be there, whether I frequent the board or stay away.

    CR

    CR-I have my arms around you, can you feel them?
    The difficult side of this board is reading and sharing the sadness and terror.

    The wonderful side is sharing the triumphs, the good news, and the warmth of true friendship wrought by a kinship in shared experiences...

    This is priceless.

    Cancer is, for the present, a reality. You cannot run from it, it strikes everywhere. True, the CSN family has a more intense environment, but also has more intense loving. Family and friends can't understand fully. We walk alone, with them at our sides. Here is a safe haven, filled with stories of true courage and love.

    I wish for you, dear CR, and all our sisters here the peace that comes with acceptance. And the shared joy of victories, however large or small. My daughter once said to me: "you know, mom, there is nothing you can take with you when you pass. It's what you leave behind that is so important!".

    I look into my heart and see all the faces of friends past...and realize she is correct!


    Hugs, Kathi
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #18
    KathiM said:

    CR-I have my arms around you, can you feel them?
    The difficult side of this board is reading and sharing the sadness and terror.

    The wonderful side is sharing the triumphs, the good news, and the warmth of true friendship wrought by a kinship in shared experiences...

    This is priceless.

    Cancer is, for the present, a reality. You cannot run from it, it strikes everywhere. True, the CSN family has a more intense environment, but also has more intense loving. Family and friends can't understand fully. We walk alone, with them at our sides. Here is a safe haven, filled with stories of true courage and love.

    I wish for you, dear CR, and all our sisters here the peace that comes with acceptance. And the shared joy of victories, however large or small. My daughter once said to me: "you know, mom, there is nothing you can take with you when you pass. It's what you leave behind that is so important!".

    I look into my heart and see all the faces of friends past...and realize she is correct!


    Hugs, Kathi

    This is a place where I feel
    This is a place where I feel accepted in my thoughts and feelings. for everyone else it has moved on, for me it is an alternate reality. Everyone here gets that. In some ways the way Heidi died was frightening but I am glad she did not suffer for very long. her disease was aggressive, and she said it had taken off in her body and she was in a lot of pain . this is the way it was for her, but not for everybody. Our diseases do not compare to each other or its course. And it seems that even the "same" cancer can react so differently in so many people. This is the torture of it all. The mental game so to speak.
    Heidi would not want her death to hurt anyone in their journey. She was very supportive even when her illness should have enveloped her life. I am trying to be as courageous as her. although I feel very wobbly sometimes. all anybody has is today. find joy in the little things, embrace life if you have one year or a million. No One really knows.
    I think what I struggle with sometimes is the acceptance part. Most of the time I do accept it and then every once in a while I go back to the What the.....but then I realize , "It is What it is" now what am I going to do? I would hate to look back and say I didnt do the things that I wanted to. I guess i am just rambling....
  • Curlz
    Curlz Member Posts: 42
    #19
    I didn't know Heidi, but...
    Everything you all are expressing makes total sense. The good (???) part about new people joining these boards is that they can 'meet' people who have been where they are, can learn from their experiences, and maybe ease their own fears a bit.

    Those of you who have been on these boards longer than us 'newbies' have connected with each other in a way that some of us haven't yet. Let us lighten the load where we can while you all mourn--it's part of the cycle.

    Very sorry for the loss of our sister--the rest of us need to continue to be strong for ourselves and each other!
    Curlz
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    #20
    KathiM said:

    CR-I have my arms around you, can you feel them?
    The difficult side of this board is reading and sharing the sadness and terror.

    The wonderful side is sharing the triumphs, the good news, and the warmth of true friendship wrought by a kinship in shared experiences...

    This is priceless.

    Cancer is, for the present, a reality. You cannot run from it, it strikes everywhere. True, the CSN family has a more intense environment, but also has more intense loving. Family and friends can't understand fully. We walk alone, with them at our sides. Here is a safe haven, filled with stories of true courage and love.

    I wish for you, dear CR, and all our sisters here the peace that comes with acceptance. And the shared joy of victories, however large or small. My daughter once said to me: "you know, mom, there is nothing you can take with you when you pass. It's what you leave behind that is so important!".

    I look into my heart and see all the faces of friends past...and realize she is correct!


    Hugs, Kathi

    Thank you Kathi...
    The board has been my true lifeline since 2008. I am very thankful for all who are here and who have helped me through incredibly hard times.
    I have nothing but love and respect for my sisters (and brothers) here.
    I am just having a hard time dealing with it all around me. The fact that I can't get away from it long enough to try & push it to the back of my mind. Because here, or there, it regularly seems to touch my life.

    Hugs back at ya,
    CR
  • cahjah75
    cahjah75 Member Posts: 2,631
    #21
    totally understand. We'll be here when you come back.
    {{hugs}} Char

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