feeling sorry for myself today

Sandy10
Sandy10 Member Posts: 80
edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
I HATE my "new normal." there. I said it.Don't get me wrong though, I am so thankful that I am here to have a new normal. I am SO thankful that I got to spend Christmas with my children and experience my grand daughter's first christmas with her. I am NED after a VERY taxing year of surgery and IP and IV chemo and MANY hospitalizations. I just want my life back! Before cancer reared it's ugly head in my life, I was a very active woman. I am 43, I was a trauma nurse in a very busy Emergency Room, my children were grown and on there own ( I had my son at 19 and daughter at 21) My husband of 25 years and I had moved to south Florida and were very active. We went boating, fishing, scuba diving and took long wonderful vacations together. I was always an active person. Now I'm lucky if I have enough energy to go to the grocery store. Why? I guess at some point we all ask "why me?" "what did I do that was so bad that i deserved to get cancer?" I think about all the women who have lost their battle and think that they would love to have had my "new normal." I feel like an ungrateful person to even THINK this way but I can't help it. Some days I am great and feel so grateful to be here and some days I am a whining crying baby. What is wrong with me? Between the weakness,leg pain, neuropathy, stomach pain, bowel issues and all the wonderful meds i have to take for it all, It's exhausting! And let's not forget all the questions from friends and loved ones. I love my friends and my family DEARLY and could not have gotten through this without them. I can't tell you how many times I have heard "your hair looks wonderful, it's growing so fast!" and "how are you feeling, you look good!" When is your next dr.s appt?" For once I would like to answer a question like "where are you going on your next vacation?" or "did you see that new twilight movie?" It seems that my entire life now revolves around cancer. I HATE IT!! I am sorry that I sound like a selfish ungrateful woman right now, I really am not that way. I am just having a bad day i guess. I really wish there was a life rewind button!! LOL! Don't we all?I am so grateful to have this board!! I really couldn't say these things to anyone else. No one else could even try to understand the way I'm feeling right now except you guys. Tomorrow I will be back to my happy self.(I hope) Today I'm just tired and feeling sorry for myself. thank you for letting me rant. :)

Sandy

Comments

  • beth1465
    beth1465 Member Posts: 63 Member
    #2
    I can totally relate to
    I can totally relate to everything you're saying. EVERYTHING! I feel the exact same way. It's like, why in the hell at 44 yrs old did I win the cancer lottery?? I had absolutely no risk for this: I was healthy, active, breastfed all my kids, no cancer in my family, never smoked, etc, etc. Now I feel like a walking medical problem. It makes me feel better knowing that other people are in my situation and can relate. Not that I want others to have this horrible disease, but you know what I mean. I was crying (again!) last night just because I hate all this cancer stuff. Most of the time I handle it pretty well, but I definitely have my moments!

    Well, here's hoping for a better 2011 for all of us!

    Beth
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #3
    It's ok
    I take care of my mother who has this dreaded disease and you know what, I feel sorry for myself sometimes too and I am only a caretaker. Cancer sucks and the treatment sucks and everything about it sucks. Totally normal to feel sorry for yourself. This too shall pass. My mother feels guilty sometimes because she got into a trial that she feels should have only been open to young women...she doesn't feel she has the right....I swear, it gets you coming and going. If men had ovaries, this disease would be under control....I hope you all have a better day....Lisa
  • nancy591
    nancy591 Member Posts: 1,027 Member
    #4
    41yrs
    Diagnosed at 41yrs old with a 3yr old and 5yr old at home. My first daughter from my previous marriage was 21yrs. I too am an RN. Healthy, active, ate well, etc, etc. I quite working once I was diagnosed. If I didn't have young kids at home I probably would have kept on working...why not? Now, my priority is being home with my kids. They drive me crazy..yes..but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

    I too did IP chemo but only after 5 rounds of IV carbo/taxol and my illeostomy reversal. My inital surgery left me with a temporary illeosotmy. If you are remission right now I'd say to you ENJOY your freedom. It can be taken away at any time. I spent my remission worried about everything. This last year I've been on chemo I went on 4 big vacations...with the kids of course!

    Again, enjoy your freedom!!!
  • poopergirl14052
    poopergirl14052 Member Posts: 1,183 Member
    #5
    good and bad days
    i too have bad days where i just want my old life back cancer free. I know this will never happen. there will alays be dr visits blood work ned for a while ,then more chemo. I too am a nurse and work part-time . my employers are great and give me time off after chemo txs. I look at you g girls on tv and think they have their uterus and other body parts not the scars that i have on my belly. i call them battle scars. I am grateful for this site.and being able to verbalize with you, when i talk to hubby he seems uncomfortable and tells me not to talk like that. he said he loves me not my body thank God!!) I try to keep a positve attitude and enjoy everyday..I think we all ask why me?
  • Mwee
    Mwee Member Posts: 1,338
    #6
    new normal
    rant away.... but you don't sound selfish or ungrateful. I feel like "cancer girl" often when I run into anyone who hasn't seen me in awhile. It's almost like they are surprised to see me walking around. Oh, and everyone wants to tell me about someone else that they know who has cancer, like that'll make me feel better or that we must have some sort of club going. :) Seriously, you may not have hit your new normal as yet. Please give yourself longer to heal and you may find that you become much stronger.
    (((HUGS))) Maria
  • leesag
    leesag Member Posts: 621 Member
    #7
    Hi Sandy,
    I read your profile, and I had my surgery on exactly the same day you did! It's funny how things hit us. By August, I had the news that I was NED and I was feeling almost like my old self. I guess it was psychological, because by October I was starting to feel that old fatigued feeling. Now I'm just plain exhausted all the time. And yet, no one understands because I'm not actively in treatment anymore.

    I've taken to enjoying my naps on the weekends, and not stressing about my house or any other stupid stuff. I love my job and I'm glad to be back at work (teaching) but it takes a lot out of me, so that's a trade off that I'll take. My one year anniversary is coming up along with the one year CT scan, and I suspect that I'll have my mojo back afterwards.

    Just a suggestion, my favorite thing to do is to curl up in my heated water bed and read a book until I fall asleep for a nap! ;)

    In the meantime, thinking about you and sending you positive energy!

    Hugs!

    Leesa
  • kayandok
    kayandok Member Posts: 1,202 Member
    #8
    Dear Sandy,
    rant away. You have had a huge loss in your life and been through a lot. If your transition into "new normal" was seamless and painless, you would not be normal. We all understand.
    love and hugs,
    kathleen❤
  • azgrandma
    azgrandma Member Posts: 609 Member
    #9
    kayandok said:

    Dear Sandy,
    rant away. You have had a huge loss in your life and been through a lot. If your transition into "new normal" was seamless and painless, you would not be normal. We all understand.
    love and hugs,
    kathleen❤

    i think it is normal
    i think what your feeling we all have been there, done that, it will get better.
    I am so grateful for each day God gives to me to live, I can not thank him enough for each new day of life. what a blessing it is
    hope your feeling much better soon
  • clamryn
    clamryn Member Posts: 508
    #10
    You said it all.
    Sandy, you said it all. We have to get it out of our system and this board is a good place to do that.

    Crap, I don't even know what I am doing anymore. I was suppose to start my chemo up again this week and couldn't because I got these stupid shingles. And they hurt like heck. I had no idea. To top it all off, I also have interstitial lung disease and I am on oxygen. So the pain from the shingles was hurting my breathing. Then I worry that I have to start the chemo soon so that the STUPID CANCER won't continue to grow in my body. Needless-to-say I had a huge melt down this week.

    Sorry guys, I guess I had to let it all out too.

    Linda
  • Sandy10
    Sandy10 Member Posts: 80
    #11
    Better now :)
    Thank you guys so much!!! I'm feeling much better now. I was just having a bad day. I'm pretty sure these mood swings are part of the lovely gift of menopause. :) One minute I'm laughing and having a great time, the next I'm balling my eyes out. LOL!! You all have been such an inspiration!! Thank you so much for being here!! Happy New year to all of you!!! Praying for good things for all of us in 2011!!!! ((((HUGS))))

    Sandy
  • Tina Brown
    Tina Brown Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #12
    Sandy10 said:

    Better now :)
    Thank you guys so much!!! I'm feeling much better now. I was just having a bad day. I'm pretty sure these mood swings are part of the lovely gift of menopause. :) One minute I'm laughing and having a great time, the next I'm balling my eyes out. LOL!! You all have been such an inspiration!! Thank you so much for being here!! Happy New year to all of you!!! Praying for good things for all of us in 2011!!!! ((((HUGS))))

    Sandy

    While we are on rant.......
    I still think I am living someone elses life. To be honest cancer is the last thing to have hit me in the last 2 years. I am still not sure if cancer is the worst or second worse but I do know that it is the ONLY I have no control over and that is what makes it so hard to live with.

    I lost my Mum to bowel cancer 2 years ago having helped my dad nurse her at home. She changed from a vibrant intellegent woman to this old lady I didn't know. That was the hardest thing. She lost her dignity as the hospice nurses who came to the home used to change her when she soiled in bed and I had to help them. I was once broght to my knees thought when my dad was kissing her as she was vomitting into a bowel and telling her how much he loved her.

    Prior to my mum's illness I had fallen deeply on love with a man (who is not my husband) it was mutual and we had talked about being together but he had kids. 2 weeks after my mum died my husband found out .... it all cameout into the open and the man could not hurt his children so he ended our relationship. The pain I felt was undescribable and it nearly finished me off as I was grieving for my mum. My marriage is still intact (just)

    One year later I am diagnosed with cancer. This did not hurt as much as losing my soul mate. I guess many of you might find that strange but I cannot imagine living the rest of my life without him. A part of me (and I've not told this to anyone) doesn't mind dying because I have no happiness or joy in my life because I cannot be with the man I am in love with. We have known each other 6 years and we both felt the same way all that time - it took us 4 years to be able to declare our feelingsfor each. I had 6 years of dreams and fantasies just wiped away.

    So now I have found a coping strategy. I have 2 of the most wonderful children, 28 and 25 who have both found their soul mates and are so happy in love. This goes a long to making up for my own sadness. I have a fantastic Dad whom I am very close to and love dearly. I have girl friends who support me.

    I have a new life now and I spend most days smiling and making jokes, making "light-hearted" my cancer. This is the only way I can do it. But on the inside I am just sad and I am missing both my mum and my soul mate desparately. I know I will see my mum in again in heaven but I can see my soul mate when I like but I choose not to because the pain is unbearable.

    Thank-you for allowing me to rant about what I fear the most ............ dying without ever being with the man I am in love with.

    Tina
  • Bstrange
    Bstrange Member Posts: 87
    #13
    I know , I know
    I finally told my friends that I didn't want to be reminded of it. I know they are concerned, but I'd rather not talk or hear about it. They respect that. I also set up a group emailing that I give them updates.
    Stop and try to be in the present, right now, you're fine. God Bless You.
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #14
    HI Again
    My mother called me last night feeling sorry for herself wondering what she ever did to deserve all this? You know what she has reason to feel sorry for herself. We all do at times. If I could, I would wipe this dreaded disease and take every single spot for all of you if that would cure it. I truly would. Hope you're feeling better today!!!
  • zinaida
    zinaida Member Posts: 221
    #15
    Lisa13Q said:

    HI Again
    My mother called me last night feeling sorry for herself wondering what she ever did to deserve all this? You know what she has reason to feel sorry for herself. We all do at times. If I could, I would wipe this dreaded disease and take every single spot for all of you if that would cure it. I truly would. Hope you're feeling better today!!!

    I feel like I am heavy bag
    I feel like I am heavy bag with a wet sand an neck of every body around me in some way: at work, at home, my doughter and her family.( My illiness: physical and mental effect of cancer and chemo.) Very hard to live under this kind of condithion but do not want to leave this world yet. Sorry for to be so negative lately. Happy New Year to you all! (((HUG))) Zina.
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #16
    zinaida said:

    I feel like I am heavy bag
    I feel like I am heavy bag with a wet sand an neck of every body around me in some way: at work, at home, my doughter and her family.( My illiness: physical and mental effect of cancer and chemo.) Very hard to live under this kind of condithion but do not want to leave this world yet. Sorry for to be so negative lately. Happy New Year to you all! (((HUG))) Zina.

    Depression
    Dear Zina,

    I am so sorry that you are feeling so badly...it sounds like you may be depressed....please, please talk to someone, maybe talk to your doctor about an anti-depressant. I feel sad that you are so down. We are here for you and I truly hope you can work through this..
  • zinaida
    zinaida Member Posts: 221
    #17
    Lisa13Q said:

    Depression
    Dear Zina,

    I am so sorry that you are feeling so badly...it sounds like you may be depressed....please, please talk to someone, maybe talk to your doctor about an anti-depressant. I feel sad that you are so down. We are here for you and I truly hope you can work through this..

    Thank you! I will see
    Thank you! I will see onco/gyn January 6, I will ask for help. Thanks again, Zina.
  • Disneynutt
    Disneynutt Member Posts: 134 Member
    #18
    You are allowed. Give
    You are allowed. Give yourself some slack during this time. We all go through it. I myself and throwing a huge pity party today. I have chemo resistant disease and the tumor came back after only 2 months off chemo. I've already been thru most drugs after only 1.5 years. I am so depressed. My Mom passed away in June so I am still dealing with that and I live alone which is not a good thing now. My doctor is not the encouraging kind either. She did give me one more month off chemo and I'm having a CT scan on Tuesday. So, we all have our stories; some good, some bad. Well at least I stopped crying long enough to compose this.

    I am sorry any of us are suffering with this and I'm sure we all hate it intensely. I wish you all the best.
  • zinaida
    zinaida Member Posts: 221
    #19
    Disneynutt said:

    You are allowed. Give
    You are allowed. Give yourself some slack during this time. We all go through it. I myself and throwing a huge pity party today. I have chemo resistant disease and the tumor came back after only 2 months off chemo. I've already been thru most drugs after only 1.5 years. I am so depressed. My Mom passed away in June so I am still dealing with that and I live alone which is not a good thing now. My doctor is not the encouraging kind either. She did give me one more month off chemo and I'm having a CT scan on Tuesday. So, we all have our stories; some good, some bad. Well at least I stopped crying long enough to compose this.

    I am sorry any of us are suffering with this and I'm sure we all hate it intensely. I wish you all the best.

    love you! (((HUGS)) Zina

    love you! (((HUGS)) Zina
  • nancy591
    nancy591 Member Posts: 1,027 Member
    #20
    Disneynutt said:

    You are allowed. Give
    You are allowed. Give yourself some slack during this time. We all go through it. I myself and throwing a huge pity party today. I have chemo resistant disease and the tumor came back after only 2 months off chemo. I've already been thru most drugs after only 1.5 years. I am so depressed. My Mom passed away in June so I am still dealing with that and I live alone which is not a good thing now. My doctor is not the encouraging kind either. She did give me one more month off chemo and I'm having a CT scan on Tuesday. So, we all have our stories; some good, some bad. Well at least I stopped crying long enough to compose this.

    I am sorry any of us are suffering with this and I'm sure we all hate it intensely. I wish you all the best.

    chemo
    In the past year I've been on Doxil, Gemzar/Carbo and a clinical trial. I am now starting Avastin/Cytoxan. I figure I have Taxol and Topotoptecan left.
  • zinaida
    zinaida Member Posts: 221
    #21
    nancy591 said:

    chemo
    In the past year I've been on Doxil, Gemzar/Carbo and a clinical trial. I am now starting Avastin/Cytoxan. I figure I have Taxol and Topotoptecan left.

    Nancy! I hope
    Nancy! I hope Avastin/Cytoxan will put you in remission. Researchers working every day all around world to bring something new to fight this monster. Lets hope it will be for us to.(((HUGS))),Zina.

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