Mood Swing For the Holidays
Comments
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painful
Oh Dennis....I can just feel your pain reading those words! I have no "quick fix" phrases to make you feel better...no one does. I am not even a cancer fighter but my husband is. He can't even talk now because his larynx was removed but I believe he is going through the same feelings as you. So many people will tell you to be thankful that you are still alive but I can see in my husband that sometimes his pain and misery are so bad, that being alive doesn't seem like a good thing.
I am fairly new on this board so I don't really know your story. but I went to your profile and I assume these are words that you wrote when you first signed up...they sounded like strong, fighting words. Read them again and try to recapture that spirit....
"you are not alone, it is scary, stressful, time in your life. there are times you would like to give up, but each day you will get stronger, cancer takes a longtime to get over, it's not a fast overnight fix, yes you will get discouraged, yes you feel like crap, but others are in the same situation, you fight for everyday".
I hope you have a blessed and peaceful Christmas!
Debbie0 -
In good company
Hey Dennis, I wish I had the words to make you feel better. If I did I'd use them on myself, and everyone on this board who is suffering. It's human nature to dispair sometimes; it's also human to believe that tomorrow will bring a change for the better for no particular reason. Whatever you believe in, that's the way we are. Here's hoping that you, and I, and everyone, can maintain our balance. Feel better.
best, Hal0 -
Dennis I wish there wasHal61 said:In good company
Hey Dennis, I wish I had the words to make you feel better. If I did I'd use them on myself, and everyone on this board who is suffering. It's human nature to dispair sometimes; it's also human to believe that tomorrow will bring a change for the better for no particular reason. Whatever you believe in, that's the way we are. Here's hoping that you, and I, and everyone, can maintain our balance. Feel better.
best, Hal
Dennis I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for you. I really do. There are days that I wish I didn't ever do rads. Days I wanted to give in because I was so tired, in pain and so sad and cranky because I couldn't eat. I was pissed, I felt robbed, and I pretty much wanted to smack the next person who told me to be happy I was still alive. I just wanted to scream, EFF you! You get to go home and eat! You get to sit at the table with your family! You get some one to hug you and be by your side and show you affection!!! Don't tell me I should be happy.
I am not sure why I am still here. I'm not sure what I have to offer. I'm not sure where Dawn went sometimes. I see her in there, in pieces of me sometimes in the mirror. Somewhere down in that skinny little reflection that stares back at me, I know that there is 'me'. All the knowledge I had before, all the love I had for life, for people, and all the things I had to give and share. They are all there. Only the outside has changed.
Your outside has changed too, but your heart and your spirit are still there. I appreciate your friendship on this board. Your encouraging words when I needed them. You have been thru so much more than I, and I greatly admire your strength and tenacity.
You are not the only one with mood swings on the holidays. I am a grinch. I especially hate New Years. Depresses the crap out of me.
I hope and wish 2011 will be a better year for you, for me and for us all.
You know you can vent to me anytime.
Hugs,
Dawn0 -
Dennis
It’s OK to feel the way you do my brother; I think we all put to much trust in our doctors at times. They tell us the best they can with the information they have in there hands and we trust that they know what they are doing. I was having the same feeling a few months ago when my local oncal doc told me I had Cancer again and wanted to start me on chemo right away. Two weeks later we went to MD Anderson for a second opinion and they said I have a lot of problems but Cancer is not one of them. Now I question if I had Cancer 4 years ago when they treated me the 2nd time that destroyed my life and took so much of me away. Somehow through all of this I learned to forgive them and just be at peace with myself and with God. I am not sure what is in the future for me, so I just make everyday count as much as possible and enjoy my children and grandchildren even if they get on my last nerve sometimes.
Remember my friend I am always praying for you and wish that someday or somehow we can meet face to face.
Hondo0 -
there isn't any roadmap for thissweetblood22 said:Dennis I wish there was
Dennis I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for you. I really do. There are days that I wish I didn't ever do rads. Days I wanted to give in because I was so tired, in pain and so sad and cranky because I couldn't eat. I was pissed, I felt robbed, and I pretty much wanted to smack the next person who told me to be happy I was still alive. I just wanted to scream, EFF you! You get to go home and eat! You get to sit at the table with your family! You get some one to hug you and be by your side and show you affection!!! Don't tell me I should be happy.
I am not sure why I am still here. I'm not sure what I have to offer. I'm not sure where Dawn went sometimes. I see her in there, in pieces of me sometimes in the mirror. Somewhere down in that skinny little reflection that stares back at me, I know that there is 'me'. All the knowledge I had before, all the love I had for life, for people, and all the things I had to give and share. They are all there. Only the outside has changed.
Your outside has changed too, but your heart and your spirit are still there. I appreciate your friendship on this board. Your encouraging words when I needed them. You have been thru so much more than I, and I greatly admire your strength and tenacity.
You are not the only one with mood swings on the holidays. I am a grinch. I especially hate New Years. Depresses the crap out of me.
I hope and wish 2011 will be a better year for you, for me and for us all.
You know you can vent to me anytime.
Hugs,
Dawn
Hi Dennis
I think we are all looking for the answers. Everything Dawn said is true for me also. Perhaps some of the oldtimers have some wisdom. All I can say is I hear you and I can empathize and lets get through the holidays together0 -
Thinking of You
Dennis,
I wish that I had all the answers but,I don't. When my Dad died in July, I thought I had given up on hope. I felt let down. But, I keep coming to this website everyday checking in on everybody here and I've realized hope is still alive in me. Even though I don't "know" anyone here I feel a bond with you all. I'm not the best with words but, I just wanted to let you know that I care. I know you're a fighter so don't give up. Peace to you through the holidays and in the new and hopefully better year ahead!
Cindi0 -
No words can take away the pain!!
Well as we both know there are no magic words that can make the pain go away. Though, I haven't had it as rough as you I just wanted to chime in and say I know how you feel. I'm really not into christmas this year; I think why bother life is **** and we got the short end of the stick! I read your post the other day but had to wait a little to reflect on what I would or could say!! Even though I have bitter angry days more than happy days, I'm still glad I am alive. I'm active duty and I try to put a military spin on things. There are many soldiers worse off than you or I; many ten feet below the ground, some who have died alone and never seen it past there 21st birthday or even gotten laid. Some who've had there legs blown off, arms blown off, burned, and then came home to find out there wife cheated on them or they can't take it anymore. Don't get me wrong; it's still a tough pill to swallow and I curse god every day! But there is always someone who is better off and someone who is worse off. Hell I get mad as hell at myself and my primary doctor when I hear about people who only needed radiation and not chemo like bigfuzzydoug. My primary care waited a few months thinking it was just a infection. I can't help but think those months switched me from a stage II-III to a stage IV! But the damage is done the milk is spilled! Hell I'll be perfectly honest I get mad as hell when I see people like myself in there 40's and younger even having to deal with this ****. I'm 39, 38 at diagnosis; when everyone else is getting this cancer in there 50's and 60's; I'm like you should be happy you had at least 10 to 15 years more than me to have to even worry about this ****!!! Don't get me wrong I don't want anyone to have cancer and have to go through this ****!! But hell the average life expectancy for a male caucasian is still only 75; we aren't going to live forever. Reckless abandon was stolen way to early for me as far as I'm concerned. Now I read these posts and I have to worry about having a beer, drinking too much milk or eating animal protien, worry about whether I should have oral sex with my girlfriend. I have to worry about my teeth falling out before I'm 50 because of radiation!!! It's ****; I'm too young for this crap!! Anyway, I just wanted to vent with you and I know how you feel; I know it doesn't help
. The BIG C sucks!! God Bless brother!! Happy Holidays!! BA HUM BUG!!!
Charles0 -
Not ok
I hear you Dennis. This is not ok and nothing is going to be the same again. It's not fair. And yet; we are still here. Must be something left for us to do. And maybe tomorrow will be better. I'll be praying for yours to be better. If I could just make it so I would. I do still believe God can. Go easy on yourself.
Bob0 -
Sorry manIrishgypsie said:No words can take away the pain!!
Well as we both know there are no magic words that can make the pain go away. Though, I haven't had it as rough as you I just wanted to chime in and say I know how you feel. I'm really not into christmas this year; I think why bother life is **** and we got the short end of the stick! I read your post the other day but had to wait a little to reflect on what I would or could say!! Even though I have bitter angry days more than happy days, I'm still glad I am alive. I'm active duty and I try to put a military spin on things. There are many soldiers worse off than you or I; many ten feet below the ground, some who have died alone and never seen it past there 21st birthday or even gotten laid. Some who've had there legs blown off, arms blown off, burned, and then came home to find out there wife cheated on them or they can't take it anymore. Don't get me wrong; it's still a tough pill to swallow and I curse god every day! But there is always someone who is better off and someone who is worse off. Hell I get mad as hell at myself and my primary doctor when I hear about people who only needed radiation and not chemo like bigfuzzydoug. My primary care waited a few months thinking it was just a infection. I can't help but think those months switched me from a stage II-III to a stage IV! But the damage is done the milk is spilled! Hell I'll be perfectly honest I get mad as hell when I see people like myself in there 40's and younger even having to deal with this ****. I'm 39, 38 at diagnosis; when everyone else is getting this cancer in there 50's and 60's; I'm like you should be happy you had at least 10 to 15 years more than me to have to even worry about this ****!!! Don't get me wrong I don't want anyone to have cancer and have to go through this ****!! But hell the average life expectancy for a male caucasian is still only 75; we aren't going to live forever. Reckless abandon was stolen way to early for me as far as I'm concerned. Now I read these posts and I have to worry about having a beer, drinking too much milk or eating animal protien, worry about whether I should have oral sex with my girlfriend. I have to worry about my teeth falling out before I'm 50 because of radiation!!! It's ****; I'm too young for this crap!! Anyway, I just wanted to vent with you and I know how you feel; I know it doesn't help. The BIG C sucks!! God Bless brother!! Happy Holidays!! BA HUM BUG!!!
Charles
It's all right to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. You've had a rough time and it sure ain't easy. I have to disagree with you about God not fixing you though. It may not happen in the timetable we prefer but if you remain faithful to him you will be rewarded. He loves you and knows exactly what you are going through because he is with you.
Keep fighting and I'll be praying for you. I am not trying to minimize your pain, you have had it a hell of a lot tougher than I have, I'm just saying that there IS hope.
Hey Charles - I thought you were told that Radiation without chemo was the way to go but you weren't comfortable not "throwing the kitchen sink at it" like so many around here are fond of saying. Maybe I'm thinking of someone else. I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better, maybe we can grab a burger and a beer sometime.0 -
God can't fix me....adventurebob said:Not ok
I hear you Dennis. This is not ok and nothing is going to be the same again. It's not fair. And yet; we are still here. Must be something left for us to do. And maybe tomorrow will be better. I'll be praying for yours to be better. If I could just make it so I would. I do still believe God can. Go easy on yourself.
Bob
Just wanted to add one more thing. I don't often talk about religion because I am sensitive to others beliefs and I am friends with many people who do not share my beliefs, or any at all for that matter. But I will share this, and to me it is intensly personal.
I really did not ever pray for a cure. (I do believe God can heal tho). I prayed for God's Grace. I prayed for the gift of God's presence in my life. I prayed to feel it, when I was scared, sick, in pain and very lonely. And feel it I did. I saw it in others, in their cards, emails, phone calls and on this board. I prayed for acceptance. I prayed to be able to be ok with 'Thy will be done', not MY will. I prayed to be a light and an example of faith on the days where my faith wore thin. I prayed for strength, I prayed to keep bitterness at bay, and love in my heart. I prayed that well known Serenity Prayer. I prayed and I still pray all these things daily:
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
In loving memory of
Fr Bertram Griffin -- 1932-2000
Requiescat in Pace
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6
When I go to yoga and when I meditate I always set an intention before the practice. My intention is always the same. Good health and wellness.0 -
I'm in the same boat Dennis
Here i am sitting here reading your post and wondering if ever i will have
any quality of life again. I am 66 and can't talk or eat and have a swollen
neck from lympedema. They keep telling me it takes time for the healing and
to keep the spirits up and be thankful i am still living. I was also told that
there is a possibility i may never heal to the point where i can function
somewhat like a normal person. I can understand your feelings Dennis because
right now i am feeling the same agony as you and don't know if it because of
the holidays or just tired of all the negatives i am dealing with. Thank God
for all the wonderful people associated with this site who offers there support
and encouragement. I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one
feeling sorry for yourself so maybe you and i can ride this out together. Who
knows maybe in a few days we both will be thinking positive again.
Larry0 -
Hi Larrylarry447 said:I'm in the same boat Dennis
Here i am sitting here reading your post and wondering if ever i will have
any quality of life again. I am 66 and can't talk or eat and have a swollen
neck from lympedema. They keep telling me it takes time for the healing and
to keep the spirits up and be thankful i am still living. I was also told that
there is a possibility i may never heal to the point where i can function
somewhat like a normal person. I can understand your feelings Dennis because
right now i am feeling the same agony as you and don't know if it because of
the holidays or just tired of all the negatives i am dealing with. Thank God
for all the wonderful people associated with this site who offers there support
and encouragement. I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one
feeling sorry for yourself so maybe you and i can ride this out together. Who
knows maybe in a few days we both will be thinking positive again.
Larry
A few months ago when I was having all those pains in my head and none of the doctors could figure out the problem for the last 6 months I learned something from my Wife. While I was in the doctors office one day and laying on the table I could see her lips moving, being I can't hear very well I asked her to speak up and if she was praying. She said no Singing, I said singing, what were you singing, she said One day at a time sweet Jesus. I find myself now doing the same thing, just asking Jesus for the strength to take one day at a time.
God bless and be with you my friend.
Hondo0 -
mood swing
I am on the mood swing right now...one minute i am happy to be here, then I try to eat and I have food and fluids come out my nose. sometimes it feels like it is just not fair...why can't I be a normal mom with normal mom worries...but then I have to force myself to readjust my thinking. I was in a car accident in 2002...I had to have multiple surgeries as a result and I was forced to give up a dream as a ceramics artist and although I filed a law suit against the girl who hit me, her insurance was horrible, we had to use mine to cover the cost of my medical expenses. I sank into a deep depression at that time. I refuse to let that happen again.
this time around, I my doctor kept telling me the lump I saw on the roof of my mouth was nothing. I am so livid so much of the time, but i don't want my kids or my husband to see that side of me. if I had gotten the biopsy 5 almost 6 years ago when I first noticed the lump or even 4 years ago when I saw it had changed, then my surgery wouldn't have been so invasive.
I haven't lost my faith yet...but there have been times when I have come very close.
my emotions are all over the place, but I am determined to enjoy this day. I hope you can find something about this time of year to enjoy!0
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