Hearing and the Dying

Cinnaeve
Cinnaeve Member Posts: 3
edited March 2014 in Head and Neck Cancer #1
As of a couple of days ago my Dad, who has termial neck cancer, started getting well sedated and basically non-responsive. This had to be done (per instructions from Hospice) to ease his increasing agitation and restlessness, especially at night. He was released from the hospital a little over a week ago (an ER trip and pneumonia) and the doctors gave him "weeks." Well we are into the second week and hospice says he has started the "process." I have been caring for him and by his side almost 24/7, in addition to CNAs. I wrote a letter to him and agonized over it, editing and re-editing, and trying to pick the PERFECT time to give it to him. Well I think I missed my window of opportunity. While he was still somewhat responsive I did read him a portion of it and told him how I felt. It did bring tears to both our eyes so I THINK he took some of what I was saying in. I KNOW he knows how I feel but I can't stop thinking about the perfectly crafted letter that I missed the deadline on. I should have taken the oppotunity to talk to him and give us more closure and get his final thoughts on life. I feel like I missed a major opportunity. Instead I ignored the pink elephant in the room and watched football and joked around with him. I know any time spent is precious but I still can't get rid of the nagging feeling that I missed an magical opportunity. We have had nurses,family, and friends in non-stop and between visits and various treatments he tired quickly and got emotionally drained easily. So I kept trying to pick a time that would be good for HIM, a time when he was more alert and rested. I didn't want the emotions involved in my letter to be hard on him (he is breathing through a trach tube and breathing while crying is strenuous I'm sure). On the other hand, I didn't want the letter to confirm in his mind the fact that he is dying (which I'm sure he was actually already aware of). Finally my hesitation stems from my own nervousness and emotional state (selfish motives). A balance of trying to keep hope alive, not missing an opportunity and being easy on everyone. It's never a good time to say goodbye, and saying it seems to confirm that is is actually happening (more more comfy denial).

Sorry for the long rambling...does anyone know what I am talking about? Am I being overly critical and stressing too much? Did I really miss this opportunity or did he hear my words? Would giving the letter really have brought more closure - can you really ever have enough closure? Am I beating myself up too much?

Final question. He is non-responsive and well-sedated. Can he hear me tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me? Should I keep talking to him as he lay there, despite how hard it is to see him like this? They say hearing is the last sense to go. They also say there is often a final "energy surge" before dying - does this happen with sedated patients (ativan, morphine, hydrocodone)? Would I be able to take advantage of this surge of final alertness to talk more? Then I guess I'll need to stress about not missing that "moment." Uggggghhhhhh What are you all's thoughts on this? Thanks in advance.

Comments

  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
    #2
    Take a breath. This is so
    Take a breath. This is so hard. I am sorry you are going thru this For me, I don't think it's about one moment. I think you did fine. I think he heard you, and I think he will continue to hear you. I talked to my grandfather and I know he heard me, and my younger brother. My gram was in a coma and she actually recovered and she says she knew we were there and she heard us. She even said some things that we said by her bed side that we said to her when she was in her coma. I know he hears you. He knows you are there for him. What you are doing is a very hard and selfless thing. Making his transition easier and filled with love and hopefully with out fear. Don't over analyze it and just be in the moment with him. If you look for one right moment you will miss the time you have with him.

    Keep talking to him, keep being there for him. Sending you prayers and strength at this difficult time.
  • Glenna M
    Glenna M Member Posts: 1,576
    #3
    Can they hear us??
    First let me say how sorry I am about your father's condition. I know from experience what you are going through. My brother was on hospice and for the last 2 days he slept and was unresponsive. We all felt that he was hanging on because of us so we all took turns sitting with him, holding his hand and letting him know that it was okay to let go. We told him how much we loved him and would miss him and promised him that we would watch over his wife and children. We told him that whenever he was ready to let go we would understand. The next morning he was gone and we all feel that he was waiting to make sure we would be okay, we believe with all our heart that he heard what we said.

    I would strongly advise that you read your letter to your father and let him know how much you love him and let him know that you will understand if he has to let go.

    I can't advise you about an "energy surge" as I never witnessed this before his passing, whether or not this was because he was heavily sedated I do not know.

    Read him your letter, it will make you feel better and I'm sure he will hear you.


    My best to you and your family,
    Glenna
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #4
    hearing is the last thing to go
    Medical knowledge advises that hearing is the last thing to go in a dying person, Cinnaeve. Not sure how they know this but I've read this many times - I believe one of them was on the American Cancer Society section on "what to expect".

    Keep talking to him and telling him you love him - this is for your father's sake and your own.

    Hugs.
  • ratface
    ratface Member Posts: 1,337 Member
    #5
    Glenna M said:

    Can they hear us??
    First let me say how sorry I am about your father's condition. I know from experience what you are going through. My brother was on hospice and for the last 2 days he slept and was unresponsive. We all felt that he was hanging on because of us so we all took turns sitting with him, holding his hand and letting him know that it was okay to let go. We told him how much we loved him and would miss him and promised him that we would watch over his wife and children. We told him that whenever he was ready to let go we would understand. The next morning he was gone and we all feel that he was waiting to make sure we would be okay, we believe with all our heart that he heard what we said.

    I would strongly advise that you read your letter to your father and let him know how much you love him and let him know that you will understand if he has to let go.

    I can't advise you about an "energy surge" as I never witnessed this before his passing, whether or not this was because he was heavily sedated I do not know.

    Read him your letter, it will make you feel better and I'm sure he will hear you.


    My best to you and your family,
    Glenna

    Don't know about the hearing, but
    Can not imagine anyone has done a better job at handling what your going through than you have. So Sorry about your dad.
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #6
    Glenna M said:

    Can they hear us??
    First let me say how sorry I am about your father's condition. I know from experience what you are going through. My brother was on hospice and for the last 2 days he slept and was unresponsive. We all felt that he was hanging on because of us so we all took turns sitting with him, holding his hand and letting him know that it was okay to let go. We told him how much we loved him and would miss him and promised him that we would watch over his wife and children. We told him that whenever he was ready to let go we would understand. The next morning he was gone and we all feel that he was waiting to make sure we would be okay, we believe with all our heart that he heard what we said.

    I would strongly advise that you read your letter to your father and let him know how much you love him and let him know that you will understand if he has to let go.

    I can't advise you about an "energy surge" as I never witnessed this before his passing, whether or not this was because he was heavily sedated I do not know.

    Read him your letter, it will make you feel better and I'm sure he will hear you.


    My best to you and your family,
    Glenna

    I agree with Glenna

    Read the letter to your Dad,

    The one thing none of us want to do is to say good-by, When I lost my Mom I too did not take the time to tell her how sorry I was when at 13 I ran away for home and did not see her again until I was 18, I did not tell her the last time I saw her alive that I loved her. For almost 20 years this pledged me until one of my aunts pulled me aside and told me my Mother knew even though I never told her that I loved her, she knew.

    So don’t be hard on your self, your dad knows you love him and maybe he is sedated at this time, but it is never too late to tell him again.

    My prayers are with you both.
    Hondo
  • Hal61
    Hal61 Member Posts: 655
    #7
    Thank you
    Thank you for your thoughtful and brave post. I think your dad knows what's in your letter, and that he hears you. My mother died unexpectedly, from a stroke in her sleep. She hadn't been ill. There are many things I wish I could have said to her. I wish I could have comforted her, as you are comforting your dad. Your fears are full of love, so be kind to yourself.

    best, Hal
  • Goalie
    Goalie Member Posts: 184
    #8
    Hal61 said:

    Thank you
    Thank you for your thoughtful and brave post. I think your dad knows what's in your letter, and that he hears you. My mother died unexpectedly, from a stroke in her sleep. She hadn't been ill. There are many things I wish I could have said to her. I wish I could have comforted her, as you are comforting your dad. Your fears are full of love, so be kind to yourself.

    best, Hal

    In the end

    I write this through tears as things are still raw sometimes. It was just six months ago that I was going through exactly what you are, hospice and all.

    To get to the point: if you feel that your letter is better composed and says things you might not be able to otherwise, by all means, read it. Sometimes it is easier to read from a “script”. But no matter what, say the things that you are wanting to say. Speak from your heart.

    Think about it. To be blunt, if he cannot hear you then it is your way of re-balancing your karma and getting your feelings out there out loud. This is good for you. And if he can hear you, then this good-bye is the best thing you can do for the both of you.

    My sister, who worked in the hospice previously, said just what you heard: that most of the patients really can hear until right near the end. I firmly believe that my father could hear us until he was near his final breaths. I even set up a set of speakers and softly played big band music for him. Maybe he was re-connecting with his youth, maybe not. I do know that, in the end, he had a dignified and loving good-bye from us all and it was a fitting end to a good, long, useful, and enjoyable life. May we all be able to say the same.

    I don’t know what else to say but you should spend your time with him and don’t worry about us here.

    Doug

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