First Oncologist Visit

Well, I had my first oncologist appointment today and I must say I was surprised at what I saw and heard. As some have noted on this board, there is an apparent cure for cancer that is being kept secret so the big Pharmaceutical companies, in a conspiracy with the FDA, can make huge profits, thereby employing many more Indonesian scientists and Korean manufacturers and helping reduce unemployment in the warehouse and shipping industries in the United States. But I digress.

As I approached the waiting room at Walter Reed Army Medical Center (the home of secret cures, I was to later learn) I noticed almost everybody was standing on their head while meditating! I had heard rumor on this discussion board that this was a possible cure that was being kept secret, but I never expected to become a witness to this remarkable cure on my very first visit! I asked the receptionist what the people were doing standing on their heard and she affirmed they were in the process of being cured of cancer! But wait, there’s more! The obvious question was how does this affect blood flow to the lower extremities while one spends hours standing on their head? That is when I learned the reason for the Dyson vacuum cleaners that were attached to the feet of each patient. This helped to suck their blood to their lower extremities, thereby keeping blood flow moving. As the receptionist said “ this is how we keep patients on the ball” she continued, We used to use the Oreck XL, which is capable of picking up a 15 pound bowling ball, in case you haven’t seen the infomercial, but the collateral damage ( a term used often by the military) was just too much to overcome”. “You see, the Oreck XL would mistake some people heads for bowling balls, and , well, you get the picture”.

After I signed my non-disclosure statement, swearing I would not pass on any of the secret cure information to Wiki-Leaks (I assume I can share with a few close friends on this discussion board, after all, we are secret from the rest of the internet), I was brought in to see the Oncologist and keeper of secret cures. Now, this woman is not only a respected oncologist, she also practices “whole-stickless” medicine. She explained to me that many patients get cinnamon confused with ginger when seeking a cure for cancer and therefore consume vast amounts a cinnamon sticks. She went on to say that ginger does not come in stick form and that consuming ginger while standing on your head has proven scientific and curative powers. “Did you ever notice that few people are diagnosed with cancer during the holiday season?”, she asked. I replied that this makes sense as many people forego going to the doctor until after they celebrate the holidays with their families. “No, your logic is flawed”, she continued. “The reason people are not normally diagnosed during the holidays is they are eating pumpkin pie, which contains ginger as an ingredient”. “If you couple that with those that get drunk after eating the pie and end up passing out and later waking up thinking they stood on their heads, thereby benefiting from the placebo effect, then it’s easy to see why so few people are diagnosed over the holiday season."

More to follow. I am a bit tired now