Hello Again

Welcome back!
Oops, sorry, Chemo brain... I'm soooo bad with names if they aren't under your picture or the messages are signed with them, so I'll just call you JJK

I'm sorry the damn cancer refuses to die... I'm sorry for everyone here on the board that that seems to be the case, including myself. So, I guess that also means I feel sorry for myself, which some days are worse than others. But like both you and Roger have said... it's not like we spend the days tearing up and feeling sorry for ourselves... but there are moments (some days way worse than others) where reality hits us and not only do we feel a little sorry for ourselves, we can get downright scared.

I find this a fascinating subject. I'd say for 96% of the time, I don't think about it. I have a very busy life and other than the aches and pains (and there are a LOT of those), I'm too busy to think of dying. Besides, the way I look at it is, if I can keep up with the life I've made for myself, then I'm way too energetic and healthy to actually be on death's doorstep. I refuse to think that yes, but all it takes is for the lung tumours to start growing at a pace that no treatment can keep up with them, let alone get them under control and then my energy/health will crash and it could be just a matter of weeks or days. I just can't think of those kinds of realities... and if my mind does slip in that area, yes I get scared and depressed.

I think when we get devastating news like "You have cancer" and then Part II (or III or IV or V, etc) "I'm sorry, but the cancer is growing"... we all have that rug is pulled from under us reaction and then we have two choices. We can (1) freak out, get depressed, think that this is the beginning of the end, and live the remainder of our lives in fear, depression, tears and anger... or, we can (2) say, "Whatever. If you don't mind, I'm going to crawl back into my world of denial... it's way more comfortable here and I don't have to live with the fear, anger, depression, thank you very much." Now, don't get me wrong... in my world of denial I'm totally aware that I have cancer and that I'm being treated for the cancer. I'm not in denial about that. I just refuse to accept that I'm going to die soon, that I'm going to get depressed about it, that I'm going to get angry and that I'm going to accept that I'm going to die any sooner than my family/friends who don't have cancer. The only time that I fall out of this world of denial is when I go to Scan appts, and to oncologist appts. That's when reality slips in because anyone who doesn't have cancer doesn't enter these buildings unless they are accompanying someone who does have cancer. I love my oncologist... if we weren't Patient/Doctor, I have no doubt we'd be really good friends. When I go to see her, I DO get anxious... what is she going to tell me this time?? I have never had her say "There is no sign of cancer in your body at this time"... so I can only imagine how excited people get when they get that NED diagnosis (I would love to be able to feel it). Since I was first diagnosed, Dec 19, 2006, I have always had cancer. The closest I came to ned was from Oct 2007 until June 2010 when I had 11 nodules in my lungs but they were small and indolent (totally lazy and not doing anything). But then a couple of them started growing in June... hence I was put on Xeloda. When that happened... reality set in. I have cancer and it's actually growing. Scared. Is this it? Am I going to die now? There are no ways of telling people who don't have cancer how this terrifies me because unless you've been there, you really don't understand. Their assurances of "You are doing so well, you are looking so healthy, you will do well this time too" may or may not be true, but that doesn't stop me from being afraid of "But what if I don't do well?"

So, it was easier for me to go back into my world of denial... yes, I have cancer but it's no big deal and the treatments are keeping it under control. This past oncologist appt where I found out the Xeloda is not being effective, it's time to try something different... that also through me into a bit of a panic. What does this mean? Are my lung tumours now becoming more powerful than the meds we have to fight them with? Sure, my oncologist is not discouraged yet. She says we are not in dire straights... well, she might not be , but at this time last year, I wasn't on chemo. My cancer was totally behaving itself and now it's turning into a teenage delinquent. I'm more than a little concerned what it is going to do next. But being scared/terrified, is exhausting... so I crawl back into my world of denial and believe that living with cancer is like living with AIDS. It wasn't that long ago, if you were diagnosed with AIDS, it was an automatic death sentence... maximum you had left was 2 years from diagnosis (and I lost over 25 people to that disease in the 80s). Colon cancer had that same death sentence at one point. Now, you live with AIDs and can easily live 15, 20 years or longer and a lot of AIDS patients die of other causes and not their AIDS disease. So that is how I live my life...yes, I HAVE cancer, and yes it is Stage IV so the chances of me actually getting rid of it 100% are pretty slim to none (waaaaaaaaah!) BUT, I am also living with that cancer and to live with it means shaking up and switching the treatments that will keep it under control. The treatments are not necessarily going to get rid of it forever, but they are going to fight it and keep it stable or under control. I can live with that.

But that doesn't mean every time I have to see my oncologist (which is often) and every time I have to have a chemo treatment and every time we have to change the type of chemo because one isn't working, doesn't drag me out of my protective little bubble... but as long as the door remains open and I can crawl back in, I'm going to live comfortably. Denial is not a bad thing... and it certainly doesn't hurt as much as reality does