unthinkable, unmentionable

mswijiknyc
mswijiknyc Member Posts: 421
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
There are things that go through my mind almost everyday that I feel I can't share with a soul. That I'm wrong for thinking these things, but I don't know what to do to make them either go away or make them lessen so I don't think them.

I feel like an awful horrible person. And I'm not sure if there is anyone that would understand.

Comments

  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
    #2
    Not just you
    Telling yourself not to think those things just make you, well, think those things. I can pretty much bet that at one point or another, I've thought some pretty heinous things myself here recently. Message me if you want. we'll talk off the board.
    Penny
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #3
    you can tell us!
    Don't know what's going on, so maybe if you let us know we could give you some advice. What kind of thoughts are you talking about? Carole
  • escobar668
    escobar668 Member Posts: 5
    #4
    I would say this is quite normal,
    In real life, we all die alone, mentally, nothing will change it, despite I've been living with my wife for so many years, I don,t believe she really understand what is going on in my mind during the past journey with cancer, I accept it, since sometimes, I don,t understand myself either, when we think, God will laugh at us, when we think harder, God will laugh harder!
  • escobar668
    escobar668 Member Posts: 5
    #5
    BTW,
    Are you Matt Damon's twin brother? :-)
  • DrMary
    DrMary Member Posts: 531 Member
    #6
    escobar668 said:

    BTW,
    Are you Matt Damon's twin brother? :-)

    Some of those thoughts
    You mean like you wish you could walk away and just have some time when your life is "normal" again (and no, all those folks offering to take over for a few hours for you doesn't really help - you want more than just a break. . . you want to be able to forget)?

    You mean like when you resent the sick person because your life is basically a mess right now because of that person?

    You mean like you can't get over thinking this is all somehow the sick person's fault (especially when it is a cancer that is life-style based)?

    You mean like when you are making dinner and cutting up vegetables and you suddenly flash on a vision of the knife going through your wrist and that seems like a really good idea?

    OK, so those are my unthinkable and unmentionable thoughts. Yours might seem worse to you, but I bet they won't to us. None of us can know exactly what the other is going through, but we do at least know enough to be good listeners.

    BTW, be aware of when it's time to go seek professional help. I couldn't bring myself to see a shrink, even after the knife thing, but did seek out a friend who I knew would not panic and talked to her (she'd done the same with me last year when her son committed suicide). It does help.
  • skipper85
    skipper85 Member Posts: 229
    #7
    DrMary said:

    Some of those thoughts
    You mean like you wish you could walk away and just have some time when your life is "normal" again (and no, all those folks offering to take over for a few hours for you doesn't really help - you want more than just a break. . . you want to be able to forget)?

    You mean like when you resent the sick person because your life is basically a mess right now because of that person?

    You mean like you can't get over thinking this is all somehow the sick person's fault (especially when it is a cancer that is life-style based)?

    You mean like when you are making dinner and cutting up vegetables and you suddenly flash on a vision of the knife going through your wrist and that seems like a really good idea?

    OK, so those are my unthinkable and unmentionable thoughts. Yours might seem worse to you, but I bet they won't to us. None of us can know exactly what the other is going through, but we do at least know enough to be good listeners.

    BTW, be aware of when it's time to go seek professional help. I couldn't bring myself to see a shrink, even after the knife thing, but did seek out a friend who I knew would not panic and talked to her (she'd done the same with me last year when her son committed suicide). It does help.

    Wow DrMary!

    You nailed it - except I haven't thought about the knife thing. Thank you Prozac. There's just nothing else I can add to your post. It just says it all and I'm sure every caregiver has had these thoughts at one time or another.

    (((HUGS))) and prayers to all caregivers.

    Skipper
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #8
    Nothing
    There isn't anything you can't talk about with members of this board here or through private messages. Often you will find that your thoughts are not that uncommon. I think sometimes we have this idea of what is normal or right and we judge ourselves more harshly than we need to. You are welcome to PM me at any time. I promise I won't freak. Fay
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #9
    Friend
    I KNOW you can not think of anything each one of us have not though or wondered, Some hold it in, So say it. I know the pain, the fear, the tears. I know this all to well. You are just like all of us trying to make sense of life. The what ifs seam to over whelm me. The what to worry about, what to care about and what to let go of. There seams to be a list of thoughts, sometimes so alfu; , sometimes they make me cry.
    I know that you are a good person who has a alful lot on your plate. We try to think of happy things but these bad thoughts come back and haunt us. A cough , almost anything sets off these thoughts that we try so hard to hide away or put to the back of our minds.
    If you are a alful person , then I KNOW you are not alone!

    Jennie
  • ketziah35
    ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
    #10
    I think all of us are in the
    I think all of us are in the same boat. I told one of my dearest friends that dealing with my nom has made me bipolar or rather like I have permanent PMS. I am naturally aggressive and bullheaded. I am an engineer and that is normal for us, but since my mom has been dxnd I have really been to the point and I generally don't care about other peoples feelings that are not in my inner circle (relax you all are). I try to fake it. Does that make me a bad person-no just overloaded!I cant spend to much time on empathy. That energy has to be reserved for my mom. I encourage you to come here and air it out. Let's be blunt if I didn't I could probably wrap up the war in Iraq all by myself.

    Luv Ketz
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #11
    I read too much
    Maybe I read too much, but I thought some of the unmentionalbe thoughts would be about euthanasia. I just read a novel called Billie Girl that has mercy killing as the subtheme (didn't know that when I picked it up at the library). So I see these characters "helping" suffering people along in the book, so I tried the idea on for size. It doesn't fit now, but I can imagine how it could.

    Two friends who lost loved ones after long illnesses have told me they thought about doing the deed, then backed out hours before death occured on its own. For years I worried that I hastened my father's death by giving him too much liquid morphine (he was actively dying of pancreatic cancer), but now I know that was impossible. I think we all think about these things, what we could do, what we should have done, what we wish we hadn't done. They're unmentionable matters of the soul, I suppose.
  • 1Teresa
    1Teresa Member Posts: 67
    #12
    Barbara53 said:

    I read too much
    Maybe I read too much, but I thought some of the unmentionalbe thoughts would be about euthanasia. I just read a novel called Billie Girl that has mercy killing as the subtheme (didn't know that when I picked it up at the library). So I see these characters "helping" suffering people along in the book, so I tried the idea on for size. It doesn't fit now, but I can imagine how it could.

    Two friends who lost loved ones after long illnesses have told me they thought about doing the deed, then backed out hours before death occured on its own. For years I worried that I hastened my father's death by giving him too much liquid morphine (he was actively dying of pancreatic cancer), but now I know that was impossible. I think we all think about these things, what we could do, what we should have done, what we wish we hadn't done. They're unmentionable matters of the soul, I suppose.

    my sweet mom
    My mom has made it very clear to me that if she starts suffering at the end, she wants me to hit her with a frying pan. Of course I cant even begin to imagine doing something like that. But I read of someone else's experience where they were caring for their mom and she suffered for 7 hours before dying. It was horrible, and I cant even begin to imagine watching my mom suffer like that either. I just pray for strength and a very peaceful merciful end.
  • mswijiknyc
    mswijiknyc Member Posts: 421
    #13
    Thanks all
    Want to thank every one for knowing I'm not alone in my thoughts. It goes deeper than what's been written, as we had problems before his dx.

    I can't really look ahead, because it's all just a big fog. I'll have to wait for the PET and CAT results first.
  • cher8871
    cher8871 Member Posts: 64
    #14
    1Teresa said:

    my sweet mom
    My mom has made it very clear to me that if she starts suffering at the end, she wants me to hit her with a frying pan. Of course I cant even begin to imagine doing something like that. But I read of someone else's experience where they were caring for their mom and she suffered for 7 hours before dying. It was horrible, and I cant even begin to imagine watching my mom suffer like that either. I just pray for strength and a very peaceful merciful end.

    lol
    of course, i'm not laughing at you, just with you. the frying pan comment made me laugh out loud! i too, sometimes resent my dad, then deal with the guilt afterward. ho hum......at least we all have each other to talk to

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