Living with cancer

I don't want to offend anyone, but I just really need to vent. My mom is becoming a ****, and my dad and I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know anyone that's gone through something like this, as friends we've known who had breast cancer for 10 years were taking care of 5 kids, teaching, doing their best as wives and mothers, becoming more passionate about life and making their family happy. I admire them so much. I came here to get some perspective. I realize what I'm doing is wrong and I want to help her, but she has gotten so out of control and hard to deal with I hardly recognize her.

My mom was diagnosed with stage 2 pancreatic cancer in March 2010. She has undergone chemo since April and had Whipple surgery in July. She spent 20 days in the hospital. I quit my job in Chicago to come home and take care of her at her request. She's doing fine now. With the exception of some delayed gastric emptying after the surgery, she can eat almost anything and has energy to do normal activities, although she says she gets tired easily. She spends almost all her time on the computer, chatting with friends, who have been very supportive since they got the news. I knew losing her was a real possibility, since pancreatic cancer has a very low survival rate so I wanted to spend more time with her, especially if she only had, worst case scenario, one year left. I told her I had a gut feeling she would be fine, that her body is stronger than she thinks.

Because she's better, I'm going back to work, but I feel guilty leaving home. I can't leave her like this, feeling miserable (even if it's irrational) and losing her temper at everything and yelling the crap out of my dad. Despite how mean they have been to me throughout my life, I still care about them. My dad believes he partially caused her cancer and he's changed a lot and he always says, As long as mom's happy, I'm happy. She says she appreciates this, but then she's off nitpicking everything he does, raising her voice to get her point across, and calling him stupid.

My mom is a housewife and after she was diagnosed my dad (especially my dad) and I dedicated ourselves to doing everything and keeping her spirits up. I feel like she's let it go to her head and she says she's sick and that we must let her say and do whatever she wants, and if my dad adds too much salt or too little salt to his cooking, he's torturing her and being really inconsiderate, that she hopes she dies sooner to get even with us. Usually when she's barraging us with nagging (which can go on for half an hour or more) we take it, but sometimes she really pushes you to the limit. A few times I was at my wits end and asked her to please stop acting like a spoiled ****. I'm not proud of it, and I regret it. I guess because we're Chinese that's an insult punishable by death. But even when I apologize wholeheartedly, she's completely indifferent. In fact, she's still indignant and goes on yelling about HER feelings and how I'm a crappy daughter (I'm not paraphrasing) and so on.

She honestly doesn't think she contributes to (much less starts) these arguments, and even when she shouts at us, it's because we MADE her do it, with our under-salting, being late to go to the mall because we're cleaning every inch of the house to her standards and taking care of the animals because they will make her sick while she waits 5 minutes in the car, and because she hates the way we do everything. She's a very negative person and prone to tantrums and hysteria. She's always complaining and criticizing, even for the smallest things. I'll be right in front of her and she'll be pointing, shouting, slamming things, flinging her arms around. There's so much violence in how she communicates with you. I ask her calmly will she please stop shouting and she gets very defensive. HOW?! I CAN'T! YOU! MADE! ME!! I can understand, she's been through a lot (even before the cancer), but a lot of that is her own fault - and when I tried to point this out so she can come to terms and move on she starts screaming at me, that if I were a good daughter I would take her side. When my dad and I try to persuade her to let some things go, she sarcastically says it's so nice we've found common ground (in attacking her, she means). One of the nicer examples is that she tries too hard to please other people she barely knows then blames my dad and me for any unhappiness she experiences.

Then when I try to calm her down and make her feel better, she is extremely rude and immature. She crosses her arms, rolls her eyes, smirks, scoffs at me, deals low blows. I just don't know what to do anymore. This has been going on since March. She's a very strong person and she's been through hell and back especially with the surgery, and when it comes to the cancer, she is pretty positive and doesn't over think it. But she stresses herself out over really insignificant things and forcing everyone to do EVERYTHING her way. when I suggest something that might help her, she snaps at me and says things that make me feel terrible about myself. "Are you done now? OK, I listened to you. Now it's MY turn to talk." Then she twists everything, blows things out of proportion and victimizes herself. It's been getting steadily worse since she's gotten the cancer. Even if I stand there talking respectfully with her, she'll stomp off, eventually come back, ignoring my dad and me, even when we ask her questions like, would you like some sweet potato? Later at dinner, my dad asks if she would like him to bring some over. Silence. He asks again. Bring it or bring it if you want, I don't care! Either way I'm not going to eat any.

I feel like such a bad person for thinking this about my own mother and calling her the b-word I don't even want to talk about it. But when other people ask me how she's doing, it get really sad because I don't want her to look bad but I don't know what to say either. Because it's so not the cancer. Right now, it's like she doesn't even have cancer. It's her attitude and how she's acting. She has no patience and no filter, and she's can say very hurtful things. Once I volunteered to clean the garage for them, and when I didn't finish in two hours, she came in, nagged me for 15 minutes about the "way" I was doing it, and said if she were my boss, she'd fire me. It was organized and spotless by the end of the day.

This is the first time I've brought this up to anyone. I'm an only child with all our family back in China. I think the least we can do is get along. She's usually all right when she's in a normal mood, but if you accidentally poke her "sensitive spots" she'll start snapping and go on this long, angry rant and say we're provoking her and driving her crazy. She nags and takes the fun out of everything while putting you down at every turn. Why does she feel like she can treat us like this? Is it something - anything - we can do to make her happy? Just let her do and say what she feels like? I feel like we've already been doing that and it's making her worse.

Thanks for letting me get this out. I feel for everyone who is battling cancer or has a friend or loved one facing the fight of their lives, and appreciate the support and love that is shared by this community. I still believe love is the greatest gift you can give someone. God bless.