Ideas on having a partner you're not married to? Fears of losing a relationship when you have canc
I’m hoping there are a few ladies out there like me, trying to hold on to a new relationship. My kids are in college or through college. I separated nearly a year ago, and then found out I had breast cancer in June. I had just met a new guy and the relationship was going well. He stuck with me, however, things began to change as soon as I had the mastectomy. I’ve lost my confidence, he has been somewhat reserved. It took me a month to realize I’ll find a way to live knowing the cancer could come back, and also a month to realize I can survive with or without this relationship. I’m just hoping some others can share their stories and suggestions. I've had as much fear in losing the relationship as dealing with the cancer. It's part of trying to find the new "normal".
Comments
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Hi Kathy.
Welcome. I am married but I understand facing the world alone. I raised my children alone and did not marry until they were all grown up. Because I spent so many years on my own, I am convinced that it is important to be self sustaining. Having a relationship is wonderful but I was also very happy alone. When I met my husband, I was not looking and had a very full life. Cancer certainly adds another demention to it. There are many single women who I am sure will respond. I just wanted to take a moment to say welcome. You may be on your own, but you are not alone. We're here for you.
Roseann0 -
Welcome Kathy
I'm not in the same situation as you are but I wanted to say welcome. I started this journey the beginning of June but joined this group of wonderful BC sisters in Sept. You will find love and support here anytime of the day or night on any subject.
Annette0 -
Hi KathyAnnette 11 said:Welcome Kathy
I'm not in the same situation as you are but I wanted to say welcome. I started this journey the beginning of June but joined this group of wonderful BC sisters in Sept. You will find love and support here anytime of the day or night on any subject.
Annette
Welcome to this wonderful forum. In my opinion, in a true, caring relationship, a partner stays through thick and thin, good and bad. Now is when you need the support the most. If it's not possible for the other person to do that, then he/she is not right for you and you deserve so much more.
I wish the best outcome for you. Come to this forum often. This is a wonderful group of caring, inciteful, strong, fabulous women (and a few men). You can ask any question--nothing is off limits--you can rant, rave, cry, laugh. You'll get some honest answers, definite opinions and a whole lot of support.
Hugs, Renee0 -
My beau and I have been together for 19 years (!!!!!!!!)
We met thru work. And he was just motoring thru a narly divorce (the separation was done, just not the battles over the money...lol).
I had 2 special needs daughters, so we made the decision to live apart (he had his 'normal' kids...and fighting with his ex-wife, etc, we didn't want to add fuel to HER fire with me).
Then, it became comfortable that way for years (12, to be exact). Until 2003 when he became very ill. I was going CRAZY every time he didn't pick up the phone...pictured him collapsed at the bottom of the stairs. And, by this point, both of my daughters had moved out. So, we decided to live in the same house until he was better. He was better, just about 4 months before I was diagnosed with cancer. That started a whirlwind...my ex-hubby died, my younger daughter died, my beau's dad died, we held onto each other for support....
I'm not trying to say it was (or is) all sweetness and light...but communication and honesty is essential if we want to stay together....
Now, starting in 2009 with his mom dying and leaving him her house in The Netherlands, we made choices to live in 2 countries. Still working on it. Again, communication is key...
A few VERY necessary points:
-Become Medical Power of Attorney for each other...otherwise they can kick you out of the ER or wherever, and won't consult you on your partner's status.
-Name each other in your wills. Spell it out. We are creating a trust so that I will be taken care of if he dies before me.
-Again, communicate your desires in your living space, should you live together.
You are on the right track to assess what is important to you. If it happens, it happens. You are a strong woman, as evidenced by your fight with cancer...and things can and do happen. You need to focus on you first....be at the top of your own list...and then you can be caring to him. As I often say to my daughter: By loving yourself, you are setting a great example to others to love you, as well!!!!
Sorry, I'll stop now...I tend to ramble...
Hugs, Kathi0 -
Hi and Welcome! I amroseann4 said:Hi Kathy.
Welcome. I am married but I understand facing the world alone. I raised my children alone and did not marry until they were all grown up. Because I spent so many years on my own, I am convinced that it is important to be self sustaining. Having a relationship is wonderful but I was also very happy alone. When I met my husband, I was not looking and had a very full life. Cancer certainly adds another demention to it. There are many single women who I am sure will respond. I just wanted to take a moment to say welcome. You may be on your own, but you are not alone. We're here for you.
Roseann
Hi and Welcome! I am married to the most wonderful man in the world. Well, he is to me anyway. So, I can't understand your situation. But, as someone else wrote, love means being together in the good and the bad. And, having cancer is bad. If someone in your life doesn't step up to the plate and help you, love you and support you, then I wouldn't want them anyway. Because that means to me that they really don't care.
I hope that everything works out for the best for you.
Hugs, Angie0 -
I met my sweetieKathiM said:My beau and I have been together for 19 years (!!!!!!!!)
We met thru work. And he was just motoring thru a narly divorce (the separation was done, just not the battles over the money...lol).
I had 2 special needs daughters, so we made the decision to live apart (he had his 'normal' kids...and fighting with his ex-wife, etc, we didn't want to add fuel to HER fire with me).
Then, it became comfortable that way for years (12, to be exact). Until 2003 when he became very ill. I was going CRAZY every time he didn't pick up the phone...pictured him collapsed at the bottom of the stairs. And, by this point, both of my daughters had moved out. So, we decided to live in the same house until he was better. He was better, just about 4 months before I was diagnosed with cancer. That started a whirlwind...my ex-hubby died, my younger daughter died, my beau's dad died, we held onto each other for support....
I'm not trying to say it was (or is) all sweetness and light...but communication and honesty is essential if we want to stay together....
Now, starting in 2009 with his mom dying and leaving him her house in The Netherlands, we made choices to live in 2 countries. Still working on it. Again, communication is key...
A few VERY necessary points:
-Become Medical Power of Attorney for each other...otherwise they can kick you out of the ER or wherever, and won't consult you on your partner's status.
-Name each other in your wills. Spell it out. We are creating a trust so that I will be taken care of if he dies before me.
-Again, communicate your desires in your living space, should you live together.
You are on the right track to assess what is important to you. If it happens, it happens. You are a strong woman, as evidenced by your fight with cancer...and things can and do happen. You need to focus on you first....be at the top of your own list...and then you can be caring to him. As I often say to my daughter: By loving yourself, you are setting a great example to others to love you, as well!!!!
Sorry, I'll stop now...I tend to ramble...
Hugs, Kathi
just two months before I had bad results on a mammogram...and two months later, there was a masectomy. Although I offered him the door, he didn't go anywhere, except WITH me to nearly every doctor's appointment, hospital or lab visit, and nursed me thru it all. Ended up moving me to his house to recouperate, and we've been together ever since. I rented my condo out, we're engaged and now, after my 6th surgery in 17 months, and finally able to go back to work part time, he's still taking very good care of me.
It doesn't hurt that he's empathectic to the situation, having nursed his mother years ago through lung cancer, and having experienced testicular cancer himself 10 years ago. We've both been down that road, since I lost my husband in 2005 to amyloidosis and had quit work to care for him through that.
I think sometimes God brings people into your life when you need them most, even when you're not expecting it. I'm sure that's what happened to me...0 -
changes
I have been in the same relationship for 20 years, platonic. Things have changed since my diagnosis and surgery. Our relationship consists of guiding my diet, helping to buy my meds when $$ is tight, and offering to help in any way. It does NOT consist of going to any doctor's appts with me, or being there emotionally for me. Strange I know.
Bottom line, I think I would be happier without him. Just sharing.0 -
My husband was committed toKathiM said:My beau and I have been together for 19 years (!!!!!!!!)
We met thru work. And he was just motoring thru a narly divorce (the separation was done, just not the battles over the money...lol).
I had 2 special needs daughters, so we made the decision to live apart (he had his 'normal' kids...and fighting with his ex-wife, etc, we didn't want to add fuel to HER fire with me).
Then, it became comfortable that way for years (12, to be exact). Until 2003 when he became very ill. I was going CRAZY every time he didn't pick up the phone...pictured him collapsed at the bottom of the stairs. And, by this point, both of my daughters had moved out. So, we decided to live in the same house until he was better. He was better, just about 4 months before I was diagnosed with cancer. That started a whirlwind...my ex-hubby died, my younger daughter died, my beau's dad died, we held onto each other for support....
I'm not trying to say it was (or is) all sweetness and light...but communication and honesty is essential if we want to stay together....
Now, starting in 2009 with his mom dying and leaving him her house in The Netherlands, we made choices to live in 2 countries. Still working on it. Again, communication is key...
A few VERY necessary points:
-Become Medical Power of Attorney for each other...otherwise they can kick you out of the ER or wherever, and won't consult you on your partner's status.
-Name each other in your wills. Spell it out. We are creating a trust so that I will be taken care of if he dies before me.
-Again, communicate your desires in your living space, should you live together.
You are on the right track to assess what is important to you. If it happens, it happens. You are a strong woman, as evidenced by your fight with cancer...and things can and do happen. You need to focus on you first....be at the top of your own list...and then you can be caring to him. As I often say to my daughter: By loving yourself, you are setting a great example to others to love you, as well!!!!
Sorry, I'll stop now...I tend to ramble...
Hugs, Kathi
My husband was committed to me and our marriage before I had bc, and, he is even more so, if that is possible.
I can't understand how you feel, but, if he is the right one, he will stay with you through thick and thin.
I wish you good luck in this relationship and hope you are happy, as, that is what is important.
Hugs, Diane0 -
I can't give any
I can't give any advice...but I HOPE the best for you...JUST remember you must put you as #1...priority...0 -
Newly married
I got married for the first time (I'm 58) on 2/14/10. I was dx on 7/16/10...only 5 months after the wedding. I was beside myself--having lived alone and had only bad relationships, I had no idea how my new husband would react. He didn't even get a 6 month "warrentee"! I needed have worried! He's been truly wonderful, going to 2 surgeries, a biopsy and almost all my appointments and treatments. He cooks for me when I can't and is "stoically supportive" (his words). I'm embarrassed that I am now fat and bald and he assures me that it is what's inside that he's interested in, not the outer appearances. I waited a long time to find my "prince charming" who has given me more reason to fight this battle--I want to be here a long time to enjoy our partnership.
In my opinion, if the new relationship is lost over your cancer, then it wasn't worth keeping (and as I said, I've had lots of bad relationships to learn this lesson).
Good luck and know that whatever happens, we pink sisters are here for you!\
Hugs,
JoAnn0 -
JoAnnjoannstar said:Newly married
I got married for the first time (I'm 58) on 2/14/10. I was dx on 7/16/10...only 5 months after the wedding. I was beside myself--having lived alone and had only bad relationships, I had no idea how my new husband would react. He didn't even get a 6 month "warrentee"! I needed have worried! He's been truly wonderful, going to 2 surgeries, a biopsy and almost all my appointments and treatments. He cooks for me when I can't and is "stoically supportive" (his words). I'm embarrassed that I am now fat and bald and he assures me that it is what's inside that he's interested in, not the outer appearances. I waited a long time to find my "prince charming" who has given me more reason to fight this battle--I want to be here a long time to enjoy our partnership.
In my opinion, if the new relationship is lost over your cancer, then it wasn't worth keeping (and as I said, I've had lots of bad relationships to learn this lesson).
Good luck and know that whatever happens, we pink sisters are here for you!\
Hugs,
JoAnn
Joann, you've given me something to think about, and hope.
As you all know, we go through good days and bad days. After my mastectomy, I was so emotionally down, I was worried it would put a crack in my relationship. He can't go to my doctor and hospital appointments because of his work. I did notice that he 'pulled back'. He's such a nice guy that I worry he's just trying to be nice to me. He has enrolled in a 'Helping her Heal' clinical study with the University. I wish it had been available to him the day after my surgery, it was just slow to happen. It was the Dept. of Nursing who called me to ask if my partner would be interested in participating in a clinical study. They said I wouldn't be involved. But then when a person came for the first interview, I had to sign that I was in the study also, and they had me do a long written questionnaire. I thought some of their questions were way off target... they needed to be in my shoes.
I bought this book "Breast Cancer Husband". It's written for the guys. I just finished reading most of it, it is well written and I even learned some things from it. The author is an established author and had interviewed lots of couples, and his wife had BC as well. The thing is, my BF has yet to pick up the book. Sigh.
For anyone reading this... just know that it is very different to just be in a relationship and not married, when going through what we go through. The door could be opened for our exit very easily. I actually thought He was about to pop the question, and then I found the lump. I'm very private, and I haven't shown him my chest after the mastectomy. It's been very hard to talk about things connected to my BC with my BF. I've sensed that it overwhelms him, so to some extent, I face it alone. I do have my daughter who has been there for me, I share everything with her by phone.0 -
His being reserved could be
His being reserved could be part of his grieving too. Men handle grief/stress very differently than women. The different ways we cope can tear a relationship apart, if you don't understand it.
I was 33 yrs old and ended up with 2 mastectomies and extensive reconstruction. Let's face it, my body will never be the same. I am 57 yrs old now, so I have come a long way.
My advice in how to find your new normal is to "fake" confidence. Get up, get dressed, spruce yourself up a little, flirt a little, stand tall and act like you look like a million dollars. After awhile, you begin to regain your confidence and you are not so much faking it anymore. It is a process. Danny has always responded positively to me making any little effort and that has helped too. And, trust me, I am nothing special ;-)0 -
KathyKathyLQ said:JoAnn
Joann, you've given me something to think about, and hope.
As you all know, we go through good days and bad days. After my mastectomy, I was so emotionally down, I was worried it would put a crack in my relationship. He can't go to my doctor and hospital appointments because of his work. I did notice that he 'pulled back'. He's such a nice guy that I worry he's just trying to be nice to me. He has enrolled in a 'Helping her Heal' clinical study with the University. I wish it had been available to him the day after my surgery, it was just slow to happen. It was the Dept. of Nursing who called me to ask if my partner would be interested in participating in a clinical study. They said I wouldn't be involved. But then when a person came for the first interview, I had to sign that I was in the study also, and they had me do a long written questionnaire. I thought some of their questions were way off target... they needed to be in my shoes.
I bought this book "Breast Cancer Husband". It's written for the guys. I just finished reading most of it, it is well written and I even learned some things from it. The author is an established author and had interviewed lots of couples, and his wife had BC as well. The thing is, my BF has yet to pick up the book. Sigh.
For anyone reading this... just know that it is very different to just be in a relationship and not married, when going through what we go through. The door could be opened for our exit very easily. I actually thought He was about to pop the question, and then I found the lump. I'm very private, and I haven't shown him my chest after the mastectomy. It's been very hard to talk about things connected to my BC with my BF. I've sensed that it overwhelms him, so to some extent, I face it alone. I do have my daughter who has been there for me, I share everything with her by phone.
I was married 14 years when I was dx with breast cancer. I too worried about if our marriage would last. I thought this will either make us or break us. I thought as good as I've been to him, if he leaves because of the physical changes then he's a fool, and I don't need a fool. We made it. I wish he could of been more emotionally supportive, but he wasn't. He was 80% good, so I can't hold the 20% against him.
I am going to be honest with you. I hope this doesn't offend you. Just want you to give it some thought.
You say it is hard to talk to him about the BC. It overwhelms him. So you face it alone.
Do you really want a man you can't talk to about one of the hardest things you'll ever face? Believe me that gets old, and very lonely. If you face this alone you'll be facing just about everything alone if you stay with him.
Don't fear loosing him, think about wheather you want to keep him. How does he enrich your life? The pros vs. the cons.
Wishing you the best with your treatments, and with this guy. Take care
Jennifer0 -
i understand
hi, i met my current bf last june, we hit off so well, i hardly left his place to go back to mine, late summer he pressured me to move and i officially moved in sept 2010. hes incredibly loving, thoughtful, caring, funny, down to earth, easy going guy. oct.2010 i found the lump. i was worried, even up until dec 2 when i got the phone call it was cancer, he was so positive i didnt have it. he has taken such good care of me. he listens when i need to talk, holds me when i cry, got up in the middle of the night to get me pain killers and made sure i took crakers with them too...ha ha. he doesnt say much about my cancer and thats ok. i know he loves me and cares about me. i am having a mastectomy with reconstruciton jan. 13. we talked about it. he told me he isnt in it for the boobs lol. tonight i told him that i learned i get a nipple at another point. his repsonse.. do you really need a nipple? i said, if i am going to go thru the trouble to get a new boob, yes it would make me feel better and he said, ok, then get a nipple. i am not scared at all he will leave me or kick me out. for better or worse even though we arent married. but i do know, when i am having a bad day like yesterday and was irritable and jsut wanted to sleep he let me. tonight he talked about it, he thought it was something he did, i said no, i was so sorry he felt that way. i asked if he would like it if i told him it was nothing he did and that i just need space to get through and he said that would be nice.
our big thing is we talk. talk some more. we are open, honest and it feels so good.
i think cancer is hard to deal with whether you just met or have been together for years. i feel bad for you that you have the extra fear of losing something when you are in a hard time of your life.
i wish you luck and hope you can come to some sort of solution.0 -
Facing multiple fearsms.sunshine said:Kathy
I was married 14 years when I was dx with breast cancer. I too worried about if our marriage would last. I thought this will either make us or break us. I thought as good as I've been to him, if he leaves because of the physical changes then he's a fool, and I don't need a fool. We made it. I wish he could of been more emotionally supportive, but he wasn't. He was 80% good, so I can't hold the 20% against him.
I am going to be honest with you. I hope this doesn't offend you. Just want you to give it some thought.
You say it is hard to talk to him about the BC. It overwhelms him. So you face it alone.
Do you really want a man you can't talk to about one of the hardest things you'll ever face? Believe me that gets old, and very lonely. If you face this alone you'll be facing just about everything alone if you stay with him.
Don't fear loosing him, think about wheather you want to keep him. How does he enrich your life? The pros vs. the cons.
Wishing you the best with your treatments, and with this guy. Take care
Jennifer
Jennifer, thank you for your thoughts. I hear what you're saying when you say 'don't fear loosing him'.
I knew after the mastectomy that I'd probably have to face things differently in life. And that I'd have to think of me first, then others. As I write that, I know it sounds selfish, but all of you sisters will understand what I'm saying. What I'm doing, what I'm about to do, what decisions I make, will be done thoughtfully but knowing I have to keep myself strong first, before I make it in this world. It's like what the airlines say, put your oxygen mask on yourself first, then help your children and others.
I found a new BC support group last night, organized by CancerLifeline. I think this one will be great, and plan to go each month. It's just part of building a new world around me.
Thanks to everyone who has responded!0 -
Love shouldn't be so hardcinnamonsmile said:i understand
hi, i met my current bf last june, we hit off so well, i hardly left his place to go back to mine, late summer he pressured me to move and i officially moved in sept 2010. hes incredibly loving, thoughtful, caring, funny, down to earth, easy going guy. oct.2010 i found the lump. i was worried, even up until dec 2 when i got the phone call it was cancer, he was so positive i didnt have it. he has taken such good care of me. he listens when i need to talk, holds me when i cry, got up in the middle of the night to get me pain killers and made sure i took crakers with them too...ha ha. he doesnt say much about my cancer and thats ok. i know he loves me and cares about me. i am having a mastectomy with reconstruciton jan. 13. we talked about it. he told me he isnt in it for the boobs lol. tonight i told him that i learned i get a nipple at another point. his repsonse.. do you really need a nipple? i said, if i am going to go thru the trouble to get a new boob, yes it would make me feel better and he said, ok, then get a nipple. i am not scared at all he will leave me or kick me out. for better or worse even though we arent married. but i do know, when i am having a bad day like yesterday and was irritable and jsut wanted to sleep he let me. tonight he talked about it, he thought it was something he did, i said no, i was so sorry he felt that way. i asked if he would like it if i told him it was nothing he did and that i just need space to get through and he said that would be nice.
our big thing is we talk. talk some more. we are open, honest and it feels so good.
i think cancer is hard to deal with whether you just met or have been together for years. i feel bad for you that you have the extra fear of losing something when you are in a hard time of your life.
i wish you luck and hope you can come to some sort of solution.
I too wanted to add another side of this trying to keep relationships together because of all the fear that washes in when thinking of them ending. My partner and I almost broke up while in the treatment phase and I was ok with that because tired of feeling like I was ruining their lives with this thing called cancer. Our lives never have returned to the life we once knew because I still battle health issues. For years I was too ill to work and now I still have moments where illness envelopes me.
14 years of survival and it seems our relationship is destined now for struggle because that is all we do. I cannot help but wonder if we had ended it all those years ago where our lives would be today.
Don't get me wrong I am here because I chose to stay all those years ago but cannot help but wonder if my partner truly did the same, choose...
Tara0 -
Cynthia, today will be "faking confidence"CypressCynthia said:His being reserved could be
His being reserved could be part of his grieving too. Men handle grief/stress very differently than women. The different ways we cope can tear a relationship apart, if you don't understand it.
I was 33 yrs old and ended up with 2 mastectomies and extensive reconstruction. Let's face it, my body will never be the same. I am 57 yrs old now, so I have come a long way.
My advice in how to find your new normal is to "fake" confidence. Get up, get dressed, spruce yourself up a little, flirt a little, stand tall and act like you look like a million dollars. After awhile, you begin to regain your confidence and you are not so much faking it anymore. It is a process. Danny has always responded positively to me making any little effort and that has helped too. And, trust me, I am nothing special ;-)
Cynthia, I know what you're trying to do in encouraging me to "fake" confidence. I do try to do that. I hate to say it, but it's like "suck it all up".
I'm sure all of us sisters try to do that a lot... until we have a day that exceeds our limits.
Today will be "his day". His daughters will be here for Xmas Eve. Teenager and college kid. I'm doing all the prep for dinner. My kids are grown and out of state and I won't see them. None of us could afford the travel right now. I have this fear that he and his family will be thinking "oh, she's just the GF and she has cancer". The older daughter knows I have BC but we have never talked about it, I prefer to keep it to myself, because I don't think she wanted me here in the first place.
So we all talk about our fears here. So here I am... worrying about how "they" will be thinking about me. I'm not feeling like I'm really part of the family yet, and today will be a "put on the fake confidence" day. I want the day to be great for him, but there is also part of me that wants this day to be over.
I termed the beast "the gorilla on my back" a long time ago.0 -
Darlin'.....It's what YOU think of YOU....KathyLQ said:Cynthia, today will be "faking confidence"
Cynthia, I know what you're trying to do in encouraging me to "fake" confidence. I do try to do that. I hate to say it, but it's like "suck it all up".
I'm sure all of us sisters try to do that a lot... until we have a day that exceeds our limits.
Today will be "his day". His daughters will be here for Xmas Eve. Teenager and college kid. I'm doing all the prep for dinner. My kids are grown and out of state and I won't see them. None of us could afford the travel right now. I have this fear that he and his family will be thinking "oh, she's just the GF and she has cancer". The older daughter knows I have BC but we have never talked about it, I prefer to keep it to myself, because I don't think she wanted me here in the first place.
So we all talk about our fears here. So here I am... worrying about how "they" will be thinking about me. I'm not feeling like I'm really part of the family yet, and today will be a "put on the fake confidence" day. I want the day to be great for him, but there is also part of me that wants this day to be over.
I termed the beast "the gorilla on my back" a long time ago.
NOT them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have been 'just' the girlfriend, as I posted earlier, for almost 20 years.....
It's how you feel that makes the presentation....be proud...you are fighting a bigger fight (for your life, with cancer) than they will probably ever face in their lives!
BIG hugs to you, from a fellow 'GF' sister!!! (Who is written into the will!)
Hugs, Kathi0
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