I can't do this

Pennymac02
Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I had a hard time not crying at work appointments this morning. Mike's in the hospital 2 hours away and I've been driving down to see him after work almost every night. He's been hospitalized 5 different times in the past month and a half. So today I completed my FMLA paperwork. I can't continue burning the candle at both ends without losing my mind, so I'm taking a minimum of two weeks unpaid leave to try to figure out whats next. They are not sure whether the cancer has mets or not, but they are sure that he's teetering on the edge of complete liver failure. We are playing Beat the Clock while waiting on further transplant info. I was waiting for the listing as the go ahead to take leave, it will take a minimum of 6 weeks for him to come home from surgery, but I don't think I should wait. I took FMLA leave last year at this time when my mom moved into hospice care, so this was not an easy decision for me to make. And I'm not saying that Mike is at the end of his life, either. I just need to focus on him for a while while they try to figure out why he's gone downhill so fast. I'd like to not be exhausted and stressed out if he makes a turn for the better, which is still entirely possible. But I also know that somethings got to give in my schedule for a while so I can catch my breath.

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE Cancer!
Penny

Comments

  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #2
    words
    Penny,
    You know me ever struggling to find the right words to say. I know it is so hard on you. I wish there was some way or one that you could just set down with and figure out what to do. I read your post and think about my husband and what may lay ahead for us. I hope I have half the courage you do. I wish I could help is some way even if nothing more that drop a pot of soup off for you. Or take out that trash just something that would lighten your load.
    I wish I could give to comfort, and say it will be ok. Or even just a little smile just so you know that you a wonderful person with a heavy load .
    You are always in my thoughts

    Jennie
  • ketziah35
    ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
    #3
    Penny,
    I am sorry about your
    Penny,

    I am sorry about your husband.

    I will keep you all in constant prayer. I am searching for something that you all would tell me at a time like this and there are no words, but I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you.

    Luv,

    Ktz
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #4
    driving down at night?
    You know, to any rational mind, driving four hours every night and working every day is impossible, even if cancer or sick husbands aren't even in the picture! I'm so glad you have family leave available to you -- even with no money, something to be grateful for.

    You are doing the right thing by lightening your load and putting first things first. Good luck with this day. And night.
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
    #5
    Barbara53 said:

    driving down at night?
    You know, to any rational mind, driving four hours every night and working every day is impossible, even if cancer or sick husbands aren't even in the picture! I'm so glad you have family leave available to you -- even with no money, something to be grateful for.

    You are doing the right thing by lightening your load and putting first things first. Good luck with this day. And night.

    My Therapist
    Are you secretly my therapist who is posting here anonymously? She told me the exact same thing, right down to the rational mind phrase.

    Actually, taking FMLA was just the right thing to do. Yesterday the doctor told us that Mike is in acute liver failure, and the transplant window is all but closed. I am staying in Gainesville for the majority of the time nbow because he has taken a turn for the worse. The doc doesn't seem to think it time to start calling the family in, but he is much sicker than we thought and is not gettting better.

    Truth is, the last embolization he had they had to be agressive against the cancer, because the first one showed no results. Apparently not only did they kill off some of the cancer, but they killed off almost all of the remaining healthy liver cells. So the cancer isn't whats killing him, its the treatment for it.

    We haven't given up hope, but we are having to readjust our priorities and plans.

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