2 years ago

2 years ago I was coming off my last oxili treatment. I was in very rough shape. Spend the last week of Oct in the hospital for dehydration. I was so weak, truly could not do much for so long. I continued with 5FU- but that was a piece of cake after the oxili.

Going to repeat myself here- cause this stuff is going to be a part of my life for years to come. The memory never really has died, but other things and mostly time have helped to get beyond it and see the other side of it.

I had a vile mouth on chemo. In late Sept of 08 I was hospitalized for a mouth so swollen I couldn't get my mouth open or speak. Those mouth issues continued (although never quite that bad)- everything tasted like sh*t. It was brutal. I was on not only magic mouthwash, but an oral morphine that would give me some what of a break so I could get some calories in me. I was so sick- I really was a cancer chemo patient then. No doubt. I remember the intense loneliness hitting- the tears rolling down my cheeks with the reality at how sick I was and how alone I was. I would look in the mirror and just cry- I aged light years- horrible circles under my eyes, severe sweating, hardly any hair.

One thing? I craved food. I overdosed on the food channel, I collected recipes, I was seriously thinking about a career change to being a chef. I wanted to eat so badly. And everything I put in my mouth was sh*t. Even water.

I gradually started to get better- those first weeks in Nov were long and not fun.

We went to my daughter-in-laws parent's home for Thanksgiving. I was just dying looking at the food. I wanted to put my face in the potatoes. I took a few things on my plate, kept thinking to myself, just take this or this to be polite. I knew it would be a lost cause, nothing would work to get me through the meal. I took a bite of turkey- listening to the conversation- then a bite of stuffing. OH MY THIS WAS GOOD. I remember looking around the table, the tears falling- and one bite after another I ate. And I ate and I ate. Crying through the whole thing. Everything tasted like good food. Everything.

Even now I tear up when I think of the experience. It was as though I had my life back. I could eat again. And it was so beautiful.

Thanksgiving blessings to you and yours.

With love from Minnesota,

Patteee