Soooo sad

Lisa13Q
Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I don't often post here in the caregiver board, but really need some support today. My mother has ovarian cancer..she's been fighting 1y 4mos. Two days ago we found out it has spread to her liver...we all know what that means....Although I knew this day was coming and what the future holds, I am sooooo sad....I know I am supposed to enjoy every moment I have with her, I just see her gone....will I be able to move from this and enjoy her? She called today to let me know that she has made our plane reservations for FL. She has rented a beautiful apartment down there and I am taking her down in 3 weeks and staying with her for 3 weeks (God Help me!). She sounded so alone....Perhaps it's I who feel so alone....I hate this disease with a passion of hatred I have never ever felt. How does one fight through this sadness???

Comments

  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #2
    sharing simple pleasures
    Hey girl! (we know each other from the ovarian cancer forum; my mother's cancer is a bit more advanced than Lisa's mom, but they're on the same train).

    Right now I'm baking half a chicken, and Mom is hovering, enjoying the simple pleasure of smelling that roasting chicken. These are among the small joys that await when you become your Mom's temporary roomie. Precious days, my friend. Count yourself blessed.

    You're gonna love the people in this forum, too. They have seen it all!
  • Leskay
    Leskay Member Posts: 26
    #3
    Hi Lisa,
    My fiance was
    Hi Lisa,

    My fiance was diagnosed with a neck cancer ( specifically parotid gland cancer) in Aug 2010. He had mets to his spine and a 10.6 cm tumor on his liver, which equals 1/3 of his liver size. All chemo has failed us. He is now on a waiting list for a trial drug. On wednesday they performed a heptic embolization to his liver, cutting of blood to the tumor. The doctors at sloan expect great success with this procedure. You should look into it. Everytime they count us out another miracle arises. This maybe your miracle! If only to buy you time until your next miracle. Its a thought. Google it.
    Your in my prayers

    Leslie
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #4
    Take one day at a time
    HI Lisa,
    Sorry to hear that your mom's cancer has spread. Cancer sucks, there's no other way to say it.
    My husband started having a back ache a year ago in August. We just thought it was from working in the yard all summer. Well it didn't go away, so he went to the doctor in Dec. The MRI showed 2 fractures in his spine. We had to go back the beginning of January and have another MRI and there was a change so the doctor said "I think there is a tumor somewhere in his body. He had more tests and guess what? It was in his lung, and he had lesions on his brain. I won't go through the whole story, but he passed away in March. So I know what it's like to be sad and feel alone & helpless. But it's nice that you can be with your mom in Florida. Enjoy every minute you can spend with her even though it'll be stressful. I hope she doesn't suffer. I'm sure she'll love having you there to help her. Take care & keep us posted. This is a great site & you'll get alot of comfort from all of us.
    "Carole"
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #5
    take it easy
    Few of us adjust to new situations rapidly - things take time.

    Don't expect to have Hallmark moments with your mom right away - although they may come later. You've both got to give yourselves a chance to adjust to the strangeness of the situation.

    Enjoy every minute - no, Lisa, I don't think so. LIVE every minute, yes, ENJOY every minute, not so much.

    Hugs.
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #6
    Noellesmom said:

    take it easy
    Few of us adjust to new situations rapidly - things take time.

    Don't expect to have Hallmark moments with your mom right away - although they may come later. You've both got to give yourselves a chance to adjust to the strangeness of the situation.

    Enjoy every minute - no, Lisa, I don't think so. LIVE every minute, yes, ENJOY every minute, not so much.

    Hugs.

    Thank you all so much
    Your wisdom is very helpful........Yes, this is new and we have to adjust....I really like the "Live every minute", but maybe my expectations of enjoying every minute might be a tad extreme.....what a trip this cancer road is.......I hate CT scan day because we always get lousy news.....
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #7
    3Mana said:

    Take one day at a time
    HI Lisa,
    Sorry to hear that your mom's cancer has spread. Cancer sucks, there's no other way to say it.
    My husband started having a back ache a year ago in August. We just thought it was from working in the yard all summer. Well it didn't go away, so he went to the doctor in Dec. The MRI showed 2 fractures in his spine. We had to go back the beginning of January and have another MRI and there was a change so the doctor said "I think there is a tumor somewhere in his body. He had more tests and guess what? It was in his lung, and he had lesions on his brain. I won't go through the whole story, but he passed away in March. So I know what it's like to be sad and feel alone & helpless. But it's nice that you can be with your mom in Florida. Enjoy every minute you can spend with her even though it'll be stressful. I hope she doesn't suffer. I'm sure she'll love having you there to help her. Take care & keep us posted. This is a great site & you'll get alot of comfort from all of us.
    "Carole"

    Thanks Carole
    Sorry about your husband...and you said everything far more articulately than I could. Yes, we will have a great time in Fl. I will come here more often. Thanks again.
  • Ella02
    Ella02 Member Posts: 9
    #8
    My mom has liver mets also
    just got the news today, I am very sad also & feel like you, don't know how to deal with it at this time. I am her carregiver & I knew this day would come also, but God it's a hard thing to deal with. She had open heart double bypass July 2006, then right upper lobe removed (lung) in feb.2007, then right middle lobe removed april 2010. I had noticed her appetite was going down, & was getting more fatigued, so when we met the surgeon in Sept.2010, he suggested a CT-Scan. So away we go in Oct. and now just got the bad news re: mets (6) to the liver. She will have a biopsy next tuesday, and we are waiting to hear from the Onconlogy Dept. She is stronger than I am, she said "well deal with it as it comes & not much else we can do about it, we can't change what will happen (meaning dying)". I was crying at the hospital (tears rolling down my face) trying Not too & trying to be strong for her, but I just could not stop! My Mom is (will be) 80 yrs on Dec.6. To top things off, my brother & sister-in law decided to cause a rift in the family 8 weeks ago & all over something that they misunderstood!!! They wrote nasty things about me & I was deeply hurt. We never missed a Xmas with the entire family & especially because we all know how my Mom loves to have the family together especially at Xmas. Now I need to deal with Mom's (most likely) last Xmas & the family rift! Can he just swallow his pride (ego, etc...) & give my Mom a nice Xmas? I also have to try to forget what he said about me, OMG What kind of Xmas will this be??? I feel sick to my stomac right now, someone please give me some input. PS: I don't think she wants to have Chemo ... So I don't know what to expect as for how much time we have with her? I am going on & on, I know...
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #9
    Ella02 said:

    My mom has liver mets also
    just got the news today, I am very sad also & feel like you, don't know how to deal with it at this time. I am her carregiver & I knew this day would come also, but God it's a hard thing to deal with. She had open heart double bypass July 2006, then right upper lobe removed (lung) in feb.2007, then right middle lobe removed april 2010. I had noticed her appetite was going down, & was getting more fatigued, so when we met the surgeon in Sept.2010, he suggested a CT-Scan. So away we go in Oct. and now just got the bad news re: mets (6) to the liver. She will have a biopsy next tuesday, and we are waiting to hear from the Onconlogy Dept. She is stronger than I am, she said "well deal with it as it comes & not much else we can do about it, we can't change what will happen (meaning dying)". I was crying at the hospital (tears rolling down my face) trying Not too & trying to be strong for her, but I just could not stop! My Mom is (will be) 80 yrs on Dec.6. To top things off, my brother & sister-in law decided to cause a rift in the family 8 weeks ago & all over something that they misunderstood!!! They wrote nasty things about me & I was deeply hurt. We never missed a Xmas with the entire family & especially because we all know how my Mom loves to have the family together especially at Xmas. Now I need to deal with Mom's (most likely) last Xmas & the family rift! Can he just swallow his pride (ego, etc...) & give my Mom a nice Xmas? I also have to try to forget what he said about me, OMG What kind of Xmas will this be??? I feel sick to my stomac right now, someone please give me some input. PS: I don't think she wants to have Chemo ... So I don't know what to expect as for how much time we have with her? I am going on & on, I know...

    First of all, Ella
    Take a deep breath, hold it and then let it out slowly. Then, do it again.

    You are not required to be Superwoman. All you can do is all you can do.

    Your brother and sister-in-law - let it go. Either he is mature enough to understand where your mother is in her illness or he is not and there is nothing you can do either way. I'm a mom and I'm thinking your mom knows what your brother is made of, Honey.

    A nice Christmas this year will be your mom being with you and, maybe, other people who love her as much as you do.

    I want you to just relax and, as your mom says, take this one day at a time because it is all any of us can do.

    Come back here often and just talk all you want.

    Hugs.
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #10
    Ella02 said:

    My mom has liver mets also
    just got the news today, I am very sad also & feel like you, don't know how to deal with it at this time. I am her carregiver & I knew this day would come also, but God it's a hard thing to deal with. She had open heart double bypass July 2006, then right upper lobe removed (lung) in feb.2007, then right middle lobe removed april 2010. I had noticed her appetite was going down, & was getting more fatigued, so when we met the surgeon in Sept.2010, he suggested a CT-Scan. So away we go in Oct. and now just got the bad news re: mets (6) to the liver. She will have a biopsy next tuesday, and we are waiting to hear from the Onconlogy Dept. She is stronger than I am, she said "well deal with it as it comes & not much else we can do about it, we can't change what will happen (meaning dying)". I was crying at the hospital (tears rolling down my face) trying Not too & trying to be strong for her, but I just could not stop! My Mom is (will be) 80 yrs on Dec.6. To top things off, my brother & sister-in law decided to cause a rift in the family 8 weeks ago & all over something that they misunderstood!!! They wrote nasty things about me & I was deeply hurt. We never missed a Xmas with the entire family & especially because we all know how my Mom loves to have the family together especially at Xmas. Now I need to deal with Mom's (most likely) last Xmas & the family rift! Can he just swallow his pride (ego, etc...) & give my Mom a nice Xmas? I also have to try to forget what he said about me, OMG What kind of Xmas will this be??? I feel sick to my stomac right now, someone please give me some input. PS: I don't think she wants to have Chemo ... So I don't know what to expect as for how much time we have with her? I am going on & on, I know...

    Dear Ella
    Someone wrote a few posts up..."it takes a little time to adjust to the news"...I think in their hearts our Mom's knew how sick they are. My mother's onc told me last week that my Mom knew she was terminal since she had that conversation with her (WOW). We can only do what we can do, and I'll tell you what I agree with Noelle, your mother knows exactly what your brother is made of...mine has shown his true colors as well. He hasn't been mean just kind of clueless. That is truly their loss and their issue. You know what, you and your MOm might have an even better x-mas if he doesn't come around. All I know is that I can only do my best and enjoy these months, years, days (Only God knows). Overall, cancer sucks BIG TIME, but you'll be ok...
  • Ella02
    Ella02 Member Posts: 9
    #11
    Lisa13Q said:

    Dear Ella
    Someone wrote a few posts up..."it takes a little time to adjust to the news"...I think in their hearts our Mom's knew how sick they are. My mother's onc told me last week that my Mom knew she was terminal since she had that conversation with her (WOW). We can only do what we can do, and I'll tell you what I agree with Noelle, your mother knows exactly what your brother is made of...mine has shown his true colors as well. He hasn't been mean just kind of clueless. That is truly their loss and their issue. You know what, you and your MOm might have an even better x-mas if he doesn't come around. All I know is that I can only do my best and enjoy these months, years, days (Only God knows). Overall, cancer sucks BIG TIME, but you'll be ok...

    Thank you for your support
    I really appreciate all your support, it's nice to know that are other people who understand what I am going through w/Mom. So today is the day after the bad news & I had a good sleep & feel a little better. Now I am off to see Mom & start another journey with her. I just don't want to cry everytime I say bye, getting choked up typing this.... She know's I am emotional, but I want to be strong for her & have to support my Dad through this also (been married 55 years). sorry for any typos, as i cannot see what i'm typing...
    keep you posted, again Thank You my dear friends
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #12
    Ella02 said:

    Thank you for your support
    I really appreciate all your support, it's nice to know that are other people who understand what I am going through w/Mom. So today is the day after the bad news & I had a good sleep & feel a little better. Now I am off to see Mom & start another journey with her. I just don't want to cry everytime I say bye, getting choked up typing this.... She know's I am emotional, but I want to be strong for her & have to support my Dad through this also (been married 55 years). sorry for any typos, as i cannot see what i'm typing...
    keep you posted, again Thank You my dear friends

    same boat
    Ella, my mother is 80 and terminal, too, and a couple of years ago we had a huge rift between brothers in my otherwise idyllic family. One brother and I were out of the fray, but we started making jokes about getting everyone in the family license plates that said "Seventy times Seven," which is how many times Jesus said you may have to forgive your brother. Some of the bad feelings are still floating around, and I flat refuse to participate. Easier than letting nasty stuff go down and then trying to get over it.

Discussion Boards