bad weekend

Jaylo969 said:

Sorry Tina
Tina, I am so sorry you are having these problems and I can certainly relate.
I kept trying to keep our small little family together and on the same page while I was caring for my parents. The problem was that not everyone wanted to cooperate.My goals were not their goals, apparently.

I guess my advice is to try to keep yourself together, because giving up or getting sick is not a good option. I know because "been there/done that" and now I am paying the price.

I hope things calm down for you and your son.I feel for him too. Don't know how old he is but I'm guessing he might be scared and might not know how to deal with it?

Sending good wishes your way.

-Pat

Tina sorry for the problem your son is causing to you
how old is him? l agree with Pat it must be a difficult situation for him ,I know is difficult but be patient try to keep every body together don let cancer destroy your family !
Cheer up!

Tina
I'm sure with him being 19 that it's a combination of things going on, not the least of which is Jorge's illness. For some kids it can be a tough age without anything else going on.

Maybe try something like sitting down with him and setting some rules for chemo weekends and make sure that he knows that you are serious about them. Meaning, make sure there are consequences if he doesn't follow the rules. Sometimes our kids just need some more boundries set so they act more respectful to us. I was once told by my son (though at the time he wasn't happy) that he appreciated me stepping in and putting an end to some behaviors as he didn't have enough self control at the time and my rules helped him focus and get control.

Remember to take time to decompress yourself so that you have a better perspective and the energy to handle these type of things. There were times when I would say to one of my kids ... "Look, go to your room and we'll address this in an hour", and just took a few minutes to get myself some down time and then felt a little better able to handle things. Eventhough he is 19, he is still living at home so your rules apply.

I'm sorry he is being difficult right now. I will pray that it gets better for you and that you get some peace with your son. HUGS

it is so hard for our kids
My youngest was 17 when I was first diagnosed and my husband and I were going through a divorce as well. It was a very difficult time, but we kept the lines of communication going and she really surprised me. She's turned into such a strong young woman and really took on a lot of responsibility in this battle. It helped her to deal with it, I think, having some bit of control. There was a lot of acting out in the beginning, but little by little we drew together and battled. There has been a lot of crying and yelling over the years, but with all that emotion came closeness and understanding. Sometimes a professional helps tremendously, they are able to step outside of the emotions and address the hard stuff. And like the others said, you need to take care of yourself. Get as much help as you can, and perhaps what your son needs is a specific "job" in this.
mary

IT HAS TO GET BETTER
Tina
I can imagine what you are going thru have you tried to have a talk with your son to to hear what he is feeling. My son is 18 and we have been thru the chemo weeks also.
I have stage IV and it seems like when I was going thru chemo or we got bad news he was at his worst with me for awhile. He didntnt mean to be it was just hard for him to deal with I know my son was angry and scared and who can blame him? maybe like Lori said have your son get more involved in this could he take your husband to chemo? or get involved with jorges care it might make him feel better I hope things start getting better for you I know this is a relly rough time for you all AND TINA TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF TO TO JUST REGROUP YOU NEED THAT AND IT IS IMPORTANT

sending prayers and good vibes your way

Sheri22

cwork said:

Hard age in many ways
I have 3 kids, twin girls that are 17 and a son almost 22, so I am not unfamiliar with some of the dynamics of this age. As for your son, I imagine his fathers illness plays a role in his behavior, but there may be other things going on that have nothing to do with that. I think young adults his age are at a point in their lives where they want to be treated like adults (even though sometimes they still need to be treated like kids) I try to remember that while my kids are still "kids" in my eyes, in their eyes they are young adults and don't want to be looked at as "kids" anymore. I think sometimes we can actually hold our children back by not expecting enough of them. They will rise to the level of expectation, we just need to adjust that level as they age and mature. I totally agree with sheri above in that perhaps he would benefit from being involved in the chemo process, as in taking his dad to chemo, getting his food, picking out book or reading material for him during treatment, etc and then most importantly sitting with him and just talking during that time. I have no idea what the son/father relationship is but there is noting like meaningful, sustained one on one conversation for relationship building. Perhaps your son will begin to feel not only like an adult, but an adult with purpose in his life and know how important he is to his family. He may feel so out of control in his life and by taking an active part in it he takes back control in becoming part of the solution. None of this may apply to your son, just offering something to think about in case it might. At any rate, I hope you can come up with a solution that does apply, because I know this just makes your situation all the more difficult. Good luck to you on this

Kids
It just keeps getting tougher to be a kid each generation, I think. Things are so different for kids his age than they used to be.

Hang in there, get some help if you need it and try to remind him that the family is a team and you are all on the same side. Sometimes it's easy to forget that when everyone is so overwhelmed.

I had to really go by that rule when dealing with my older son as his younger brother was born with a severe health condition/disability and has required years of constant care, hospitalizations and attention. Each year for the last 23 there has been at least 3 times a year that he has been knocking on death's door and we've somehow made it against the odds. I had to make real efforts to be sure that my older son didn't get lost in the shuffle because of the many life threatening situations with his younger brother. It was easy for my older son to feel like he wasn't as important. Sometimes I did good with it and other times not so good. Just do the best you can because that's all you can do. If it's any consolation, my older son has grown into quite a great young man that I am very proud of and he really understands things now that he didn't get when he was younger.

This might sound awful
I know this might not sit well with some people, but since you've posted, here's my opinion.

Your son is 19. He's not a baby. I know the situation is tough for him. But it is tough for you. It is tough for Jorge. And he is certainly old enough to understand that.

I think it is time for tough love! It is time to tell him that he needs to grow up and not take out his issues on everyone around him, especially his dad, who needs his support right now - not more troubles. Tell him you'll help him get some counseling, but you expect his behavior towards others in the house to improve because the rest of you can't deal with it right now.

Tell him his alternative to addressing his behavior issues is that he can move out on his own. Ask him if he is prepared for that? Or would he rather be a productive household member, showing support for each other?

My children are 16, 18, 21 and 24. So I've had plenty of dealings with the age group. Sure there are some ups and downs. And with my recurrence there is more worry and stress for everyone. My two oldest moved back home to help out (21-yr-old is a senior in college with very little free time between school and work, but she still tries to help). Maybe I'm just very lucky, but my kids have been wonderful. There is less arguing than in the past. They are supportive of me. And they try to help take some of the load off my husband too. They know how sick I am on chemo and are careful not to bother me with things that can wait till later, and not to argue with me or start any trouble during my chemo week. The 16 and 21-yr-old have always argued a lot - clashing personalities. But they have really worked on getting along better the last year. And they won't argue around me during chemo week, and rarely the rest of the time. (I still hear stories of some of their big arguments if they go to their dad's, or when they are driving somewhere together.)

I love my children, and have always tried to let them know how much, and show them how much. But I have always laid it on the line with them. I expect age-appropriate behavior, and have never tolerated it when they are too far out of line, especially if they carry on long-term. I've probably been a little more strict than a lot of parents. I expect those in my household to show respect for each other, and help create an environment where everyone is comfortable. I think that might be paying off now.

Right now you need to focus on Jorge, and yourself first. I know as a mother that is very hard. But these are tough times, and you need to keep yourself mentally and physically well. You can't let others drag you down - not even your own child. Do the best you can for him. Try to get him counseling help. But demand better behavior to save your own sanity.

I hope this gets better for you, and soon!