how many marriages fail?

My marriage failed. I pray
My marriage failed. I pray you can work it out and things will be ok. I was less than 6 months into my cancer and my husband ran into the arms of another woman after being together 13 years. Broke my heart, still hurts, I'm in an apartment with my son now (daughters grown) and we are doing ok. I can't change it but I do blame the cancer, he's really supportive now and wants forgiveness and me to come home but I don't think I can get past what he did. Best wishes to you, hang on if you can.
~Kari

jennytwist said:

So sorry
...I'll keep you in my prayers. I've been so very lucky. I've been with my honey for 10 years - we keep talking about getting married. He admits he doesn't have a clue sometimes but he's been so very patient and kind. Our physical relationship is zero right now - I had a unilateral mast. and I'm just not over that yet plus with some of the meds I take, I'm sure they numb everything but he keeps coming home! We don't talk as much but I'm trusting he'll hang in there.
I pray you two can get back what you had/have and even stronger. Perhaps he's in shock as well - try to be gentle with him, if you can - I know that sounds backwards but this horrible disease hits family hard!
-much love,
Jenny

Through my own struggles
Funny I seem to understand men better now that I have struggled with intimacy in my relationship since being treated 14 years ago. I am amazingly lucky we are still together but is this the relationship I dreamed of NOT...
I have worked with and most of my friends are men so I seemed to be a voice of reason for them when talking about their relationship with their wives. Guess I was safe to talk to and wives use to get jelouse because they knew their husbands were telling me everything that they didn't feel they could share with their wives because men hate being vaulnerable and cancer leaves big holes in their vaulnerability. I guess it isn't easy for any partner to take on and be the support necessary. Mine was there and thankfully there when I could not be for my son. My son knows that my partner is the best second co parent he has ever had and is grateful for her.
But, I know it is about feeling ALIVE not just living and often men can find that with any woman not just with the women the love. Women unfortunately have that feeling when we feel complete and whole and often sex has nothing to do with it, intimacy another story though. I am still looking for my new normal after 14 years and its still a struggle but I can only wish, hope and pray that things will get better and we find ourselves with the love that brought us together in the first place.
Cancer is not the thing that defines our relationships but can be very defining of what our relationships have become. Many have said that they believe my partner and I will always be together but we look at each other and wonder what it is the others see.

Remember everything worth while isn't always easy but I keep reminding myself LOVE is not suppose to hurt.
Tara

ms.sunshine said:

Know how you feel
I've been married 14 years been together 16 years. I was so in love with my husband, after 16 years I still watched for his truck to turn into the driveway after work. I would make sure I looked pretty for him. My heart would get excited when he came home even after 16 years. I was crazy about him. Then cancer. He has really dropped the ball so to speak. I have really been hurt, and disappointed in him. I still love him, but have lost the passion, admiration, and respect I once had for him.
Starting out on this journey I believed he was the strong one, now I have learned that it is I that is the strong one. All the best to you and your family.
Jennifer

I hear ya!
To be fair, men aren't allowed to be scared, so they have weird ways of showing their fear. My DH had to be reminded, every now and then, that I, just like the dog, needed to be fed and watered. I really resented the way he used my cancer to get attention and sympathy for himself! All our friends would say "Oh, he's taking such good care of you!" and in my head, I'd be rolling my eyes and thinking "oh, if you really knew! I haven't had clean sheets in a month, I'm sick of living on sandwiches and yogurt, and IF I HAVE TO DO THE DAMN GROCERY SHOPPING ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO BUY ROTTEN TOMATOES!" Oh, and I found out it really hurts to roll your eyes INSIDE!

So,now it's all over,right? the surgeries, the chemo treatements, the rads, the being sick. I'm all better now, right? I mean, a woman who can go out (after 17 years of being at home) and get a full time, professional job one month after finishing rads doesn't need any help, does she? (Hint: Hell to the yes, she does!)

Things are changing. He doesn't work as much as I do. I refuse to cook after a long day of high stress work...damn near starved to death the first week of work! He has learned to operate that big white thing in the kitchen I call "the stove" and has even learned how to grocery shop. His housekeeping skills need work, but that's what weekends are for, right?

He appreciates that when I get home from work, I have to veg for at least 45 mins, so he holds off on supper. I am now learning how he felt after a long day for those many years that I was cooking the supper (even after working all day myself).

I used to be so angry with him. But now that I'm on "the other side, for now", I see how scared he was. I still resent all the sympathy he got (I felt like he used my disease to get sympathy and accolades ...I know that sounds juvenile, but it's true...sorry, Mom!)

The End: I AM HIS EQUAL, IN EVERY WAY! In fact, in some ways, I'm stronger and tougher than he is.In our marriage, I've always been the one to keep all the plates spinning (Ed Sullivan, anyone?) and I continued to spin them during the great cancer outbreak of ought9. Now, I feel like he's at least behind me, to catch a plate, should it fall.

So, in the end, it's getting better. The most I can ask from him now is his tolerance of my tiredness (and yeah, sometimes I'm not really all that tired, but I'm learning to pace myself). As for the love, it's still there. The respect is coming back. And so is the admiration.

Bottom line: I've always been tough. I could have gone thru it alone (I only let him come to a few important apts with me) but it was easier with him there. I'm sure we'll get back to where we once were, and I hope it gets even better. But for now, I know if I have to, I can do it alone. I know he couldn't.

Before cancer, I was just strong. Now I'm one strong, tough ****. Oh, and one that can afford to support herself, if need be. the best part is....FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, THE HEALTH INSURANCE IS IN MY NAME, AND IT'S KICK-**** INSURANCE! Wish I would have had it last year...still paying various doctors off.

(Wow, think I needed to get a few things off my chest??? Thanks for bringing this topic up!)

Give him and yourself some time. And don't forget, a woman can do ANYTHING a man can do, and we can do it backward, in 4" heels!!!!

irony
I was just wondering this same thing today.. As I was reflecting back on the last year and a half. The worst hit the fan this summer after treatment and you expect life to go back to what it was, but it doesn't happen!

We were are two total different planets and honestly really didn't care till one day when my life was about to fall apart once again. After treatment, I just had such anxiety over everything and totally hated the way I looked. My husband and I wouldn't even speak to each other and when we did it usually ended up in a fight. But one day, I had enough I went to him told him I need a change and wasn't going to live like this. So I told him I am moving with or without him, so we down sized our house (the 11 months out of work but a strain on our financial) and my thought was if this wasn't going to work out I need a place I can afford on my own. Did a little marriage counseling and try to reconnect. Its still a struggle but things are finally started to look up.

I remember telling him once that if he was looking for the old me to come back She never will... that person is gone!