I watched her die

3Mana said:

Hard thing to do
Gerry,
That was a hard thing for you to do. I went through it with both of my parents. And now this last March, my husband passed away from lung cancer. He was only sick 2 months and had a rare side effect from Avastin. He was fine all day and we watched TV at night. He went upstairs at 10:00 and wasn't up there 5 minutes when he pounded on the floor with his foot. I ran up the stairs to find him hemmorraging in the bathroom. I felt helpless and then he started to collapse and I just grabbed him and laid him on the floor. Called 911 and they came real quick and worked on him for quite awhile but it was too late. It's a hard thing to go through and I'll never forget how traumatic it was. We never got to say "Goodbye" and it hurts so bad.
Are you seeing a counselor? I am and it helps alot. It's one on one and not group therapy. Try it if you're having a rough time. Keep me posted on how you're doing, okay?
"Carole"

thanks
Hello Carole, thank you so much for sharing your story with me.I can't imagine how hard that was for you,and I, like you, felt so helpless.You see I am a certified nurses aid and throughout her battle I as able to do things for her that most people can't,so when she was in pain or uncomfortable or didn't understand what was going on, I could usually "fix" things.
But,the night she died she endured about 7 hours of struggling to breath,they had her on every drug they could give her and even sedated her but she still managed to stay awake,she would call my name,as if to say please help me, and I couldn't.I should tell you my mom never believed she was going to die,we tried to talk to her about it but she would just tune us out,so that night when we were told she would not make the night we called the minister to come and the minute we put our hands on her to pray,she came out of the sedation and said "I am not going to die",she started to struggle to get up,I kept telling her to please let go and go to the light,but she kept fighting for what seemed to be forever.That killed me to watch that,so I went into the other room,got down on my knees and begged God to take her.Asking God to take the one person in my life I could always count on was the hardest thing I have ever done,I dont regret it,her suffering is over,but I miss her terribly.Just writing this, knowing it's about her,brings on the tears.I am not seeing a counselor,but I have thought about it.Just need the courage to open up to someone.I guess I just feel like people will think i am wierd cause I can't seem to get over losing my mom,I am 47 years old after all,I should be able to deal with this.Anyway,thanks again for your kind words,and advice,I appreciate it more than you know.I am sending love your way,and will pray for all good things to come to you.Have a great day!!!

Luv2lunch said:

Gerrys girl,
Hi. I'm so very
Gerrys girl,
Hi. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling.
I'm not sure what to say. I do believe that maybe your Mom felt better that you were there with her. Maybe the body was just struggling and she was already gone?
My Mom is currently living with me and my husband. She was diagnosed with rectal cancer in April of this year. She went through her chemo and radiation, surgery, and is now on more chemo. Like you, my Mom is my world. She has become my best friend over the years. I lost my father about 10 years ago and that was really, really hard. He was so special to me. Both of my brothers moved away to go to college and I stayed to be near them. I never wanted to be away. So my friendship with my Mom grew and grew. I know how you feel.
You will be able to smile again thinking about her. It just will take time. It is still so new and your feelings are still raw.
Believe that she is in a better place. She is not hurting anymore. I don't like to talk religion because I don't know what peoples beliefs are, but I deep down believe she is at peace.
I'm not sure, but I don't think you would change where you were at the time of her passing. You were there, her best friend by her side. She probably felt ok to let go knowing you were right there. I hope I'm not upsetting you by saying this. I only hope that I can be so lucky to be with my mom during her final moments.
I am also angry at my brothers that they are not more a part of moms treatment. One brother lives just 15 minutes from me and he has come to see her maybe 3 times since April. The other is 4 hours and has come twice.
I just know that they are the ones that are going to be sad. Sad that they never took the time to visit her and just hold her hand.
I'm hoping mom is going to bounce back from this last round of chemo, but who knows. I do know that I am the lucky one to get these moments with her, and you should feel the same. Let the anger go. You were the one with your mom when it counted.
Try and remember the good times when you look at the pictures. You were a good daughter and she is looking down on you right now, wanting you to go on and not be so sad.
I will be thinking of you and praying for you very hard to make peach with this. If you ever need a shoulder or want to vent, please write.
Take care of yourself,
Love and hugs,
Linda

Your right
Hello Linda,thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.Don't worry about talking religion,I am a believer.Your right,there is NO place I would have rather been than with her when she passed but the memories of her last 7 hours that I am carrying around with me are so painful.She did not believe she was going to die,I tried to talk to her but I couldn't get through to her so I let it go.Now I wish I could have been stronger,maybe she would have been more accepting and wouldn't have had such a traumatizing passing.I have 3 sisters and a brother,but it was just me and my little sister who went through everything with Mom,the other ones didn't even help with the funeral,in fact we had to guilt them into coming a few days before she died,and they left the morning of the day she died knowing it was not going to be much longer,and Mom did ask where they were after they left,I felt so bad for her.I have not spoken to any of them since the funeral,partly because I am angry and partly because I wanted to see if they would make an effort to see if we are ok but they have not called.I suspected that when Mom died our family would fall apart,she is what kept us all together.My Dad left when I was 7 and has really played no role in our lives,but he is the one I am most angry with.He and my Mom had a good relationship after they divorced,they were friends,she never said one bad thing about him, ever.For him to not come and support his children devastated me,I have not spoken to him since Moms passing either.I just feel like there is too much anger there that may come out if I call,ether that or I will just be a blubbering mess and won't be able to talk at all.I guess my thinking is, if I can't say anything nice then maybe I shouldn't say anything at all.I pray you are right about Mom being at peace,but because I can't feel her I wonder if she made it to the other side,or is she wandering because she was not prepared to die,I wish I knew for sure.I am sorry your mother(and you) are going through this and I will pray for her recovery.It makes me sad that you have to deal with this alone,no one should have to do that,if it wasn't for my little sister I would have lost it a long time ago.So if you like I will be your adopted sister and you can talk to me anytime of the day or night.I don't understand it but I feel a connection to you,maybe you are the angel who will help me to get through this,or maybe you just have the kind of spirit people are attracted to,either way I am grateful for your kind words and encouragement.By the way I should tell you my name is actually Shelley,Gerry was my moms name.I am sending love your way and will pray all good things come to you.BIG HUG
Shelley

Barbara53 said:

visualization technique
I took care of my father during his last days and had the same awful visions burned in my brain. A few weeks afterward I would hit periods when I could not stop crying. Desperate, I went for some grief counseling, which helped immensely. The best technique the counselor taught me had to do with taking control of those terrible mental pictures. He had me collect a few favorite photos of my father from happier times, and memorize them. Then, when the bad images came to mind, I learned to click forward to a picture that was comforting and good. This really works, and I hope you will try it.

I was my father's baby girl. It will take time, but you will eventually come to terms with this loss and go on, the way your mother would want you to do.

Hello Barb,thank you for
Hello Barb,thank you for responding to my post,i makes me feel, not so alone.You may be right about the counselling cause at his point it is when I see a picture of her that all the bad memories come flooding back.I watched the video my cousin made for her funeral for the first time today(couldn't watch it at the funeral,too painful)and I totally lost it.This is so hard,I WANT to be able to look at pictures of her,without losing it.I WANT to feel her around me,and know that she is at peace.I just don't know how.Thanks again for the support,and the advice,I am sending love your way and will pray for all good things to come to you
BIG HUG
Shelley

augigi said:

Gerrys girl, I feel similar
Gerrys girl, I feel similar to you. My mum died on July 12th and I still can't fathom that it's true. I was with her, holding her hand when she died. I still feel like I failed her in that we took her in to the hospice and I couldn't keep her at home; I am a nurse and I feel like I should have kept her at home to die. But she got confused and wouldn't take meds and I just found it so traumatic to see her confused and acting like that, I couldn't have handled it for the 4 days until she died. I am very lucky in that the last thing mum said was "I love you too" when I was sitting bedside and told her I loved her. She became unconscious shortly afterwards and I am so blessed to have heard that one more time.

I honestly feel like I have noone in the world now. My father and I aren't close, and my siblings are on the other side of the world. My mum was always on my side and was my greatest supporter. It's lonely without her. I miss her so much, and it's almost every day that I think "oh I must tell mum this" or "I must call mum".. then I remember that I can't. Ever again. It just seems impossible that I have to never see her again, and so unfair.

It is unfair
I am sorry you are feeling so alone,I know what it's like to feel like you have no one you can count on to love you unconditionaly.Not sure what the story is about why you are not close with your dad,but I know what that feels like too, and it hurts terribly.I too have caught myself thinking,"mom will know the answer to this" and then reality sets in and I remember I will Never be abe to talk to her again,at least not in this life.It seems so unfair that out of two parents, the one who sacrficed everything,all their dreams,and goals,to raise their children, is the one who dies first and suffers greatly,I don't get it.
I want you to know that you are not alone,I'm here for you anytime if you need to talk.
Dealing with something this life changing should not be done alone,and talking to people who
really understand what your going through does make it a little easier.