Why?

ketziah35
ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
If my mom is the one battling cancer, why am I the emotional stressed one?

The only thing I can say is that I am trying to stay away from a lot of communication with people right now because I realize I am emotional and stressed, but will this crap ever end.

Ktz

Comments

  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #2
    I'm with you girl
    I'm with you, girl, and glad I'm not the only one feeling angry tonight. I'm 20 months in as my mother's first lieutenant in her battle with ovarian cancer, and she's starting to lose big time and we're all so tired. Right now all I want to do is go home and stay home, but no telling when that will happen. I'm ready to strike bargains with The Man if it means a few days of freedom. Pitiful.
  • mukamom
    mukamom Member Posts: 402
    #3
    you are not alone
    I know how you feel,ktz..I spent the day yesterday at doctor's offices for husband's chemo and then a visit with an endocrinologist b/c husband blood sugar has been elevated for quite awhile. In between these visits, I was on the phone with patient advocate trying to find out how to go about appealing a denial for treatment. She had helpful info, but when I tried to gather this much needed info, there wasn't any(long story). The visit for blood sugar was unelightening to say the least. I liked the Dr very much and his approach to controlling levels by diet and exercise....trying to stay away from drugs since most of husbands liver is gone. But his staff was a sorry bunch of folks and now on top of having to try and deal with an ins appeal, I have to write a letter to the Dr expressing my concerns about the competentcy of his staff. Get this, NO INSTRUCTIONS how to use a glucose meter..."read the instruction booklet, if I can understand it, any one can." is what we got. My husband has problems with reading and understanding new things. Chemo has made this much worse. So, after a long and tiring day and a husband who is feeling like crap and confused about all the new info he was presented with this day, I had to teach him about the meter after fiquring out myself. We had to call the Dr office back after we left to find out when he was supposed to check his sugar..I COULD NOT WAIT to get dinner on table, clean up and go hide in the bedroom. I wanted nothing more to do with cancer, husbands questions(he won't remember half of what is told to him), *&#@&!! insurance, and the stupid truck that's in the shop.
    We all have these times of overwhelming stress, because someone depends on us to care, schedule, follow up, question, research, while they deal with the reality of mortality and the fact that life isn't fair.
    Come here and vent...no one will judge. All you will find is support and caring from people who are going thru the same thing.

    Hugs to you,
    Angela
  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    #4
    mukamom said:

    you are not alone
    I know how you feel,ktz..I spent the day yesterday at doctor's offices for husband's chemo and then a visit with an endocrinologist b/c husband blood sugar has been elevated for quite awhile. In between these visits, I was on the phone with patient advocate trying to find out how to go about appealing a denial for treatment. She had helpful info, but when I tried to gather this much needed info, there wasn't any(long story). The visit for blood sugar was unelightening to say the least. I liked the Dr very much and his approach to controlling levels by diet and exercise....trying to stay away from drugs since most of husbands liver is gone. But his staff was a sorry bunch of folks and now on top of having to try and deal with an ins appeal, I have to write a letter to the Dr expressing my concerns about the competentcy of his staff. Get this, NO INSTRUCTIONS how to use a glucose meter..."read the instruction booklet, if I can understand it, any one can." is what we got. My husband has problems with reading and understanding new things. Chemo has made this much worse. So, after a long and tiring day and a husband who is feeling like crap and confused about all the new info he was presented with this day, I had to teach him about the meter after fiquring out myself. We had to call the Dr office back after we left to find out when he was supposed to check his sugar..I COULD NOT WAIT to get dinner on table, clean up and go hide in the bedroom. I wanted nothing more to do with cancer, husbands questions(he won't remember half of what is told to him), *&#@&!! insurance, and the stupid truck that's in the shop.
    We all have these times of overwhelming stress, because someone depends on us to care, schedule, follow up, question, research, while they deal with the reality of mortality and the fact that life isn't fair.
    Come here and vent...no one will judge. All you will find is support and caring from people who are going thru the same thing.

    Hugs to you,
    Angela

    It sounds so familiar
    Boy, does it sound familiar! Not the glucose meter, but don't get me started on my husband's oncologist. And the last month you could throw in dealing with his bank (I have no money in that one and if I have anything to say, I never will) and his credit card company -- ditto. At 1 or 2 or 3AM I would be sitting on the kitchen floor so I could keep an eye and ear open for Don as he slept, shouting in whispers over the phone.... and getting nowhere at all.

    I got through it somehow. But it wasn't fun.

    Come here and get the kind of support and concern that the people you're dealing with don't offer you. We all understand and can genuinely sympathize.
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #5
    You are not alone
    Ktz, you have only to read a couple of posts on the Caregivers site to no you are not in this alone, that we all feel your pain, frustration, fear and worries and we rejoice when you have a moment of blessing.

    I know this is tough. It's not anything you can be prepared for in any way other to know that you are a caring and giving person and that's why you are where you are.

    It's tough now, and it may be tougher before it is over, but you WILL come out of this a stronger person. It's okay to need a break from it all.

    Please take care of yourself. Take a long walk or get with your physician if you need something to help you sleep or just relax a little.

    Hugs. Lots of hugs.
  • ketziah35
    ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
    #6
    Noellesmom said:

    You are not alone
    Ktz, you have only to read a couple of posts on the Caregivers site to no you are not in this alone, that we all feel your pain, frustration, fear and worries and we rejoice when you have a moment of blessing.

    I know this is tough. It's not anything you can be prepared for in any way other to know that you are a caring and giving person and that's why you are where you are.

    It's tough now, and it may be tougher before it is over, but you WILL come out of this a stronger person. It's okay to need a break from it all.

    Please take care of yourself. Take a long walk or get with your physician if you need something to help you sleep or just relax a little.

    Hugs. Lots of hugs.

    You are halfway right. I am
    You are halfway right. I am not getting much sleep.
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #7
    ketziah35 said:

    You are halfway right. I am
    You are halfway right. I am not getting much sleep.

    help?
    Do you have a physician who can help you with sleep issues? Or is it that you are awake at night taking care of her? If so, is there someone who can give you a break?

    I don't know where your mom is in her diagnosis. That makes a difference in getting hospice help at night (or during the day). Our community has volunteers who also come in and sit with patients to give the family a break. Do you have a friend who is a night owl and might help?

    Please remember to take care of yourself, ktz.
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #8
    Stressful
    Ktz,
    It is very stressful dealing with someone you love who has cancer. Even though my husband only lasted 2 months, I couldn't eat, sleep & just wanted to go someplace alone and cry. I started seeing a counselor after he passed away, but kind of wish I would've gone to see one before to help me deal with everything.
    So hang in there & take one day at a time. If you like wine, have a glass at night to relax you!! "Carole"
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    #9
    3Mana said:

    Stressful
    Ktz,
    It is very stressful dealing with someone you love who has cancer. Even though my husband only lasted 2 months, I couldn't eat, sleep & just wanted to go someplace alone and cry. I started seeing a counselor after he passed away, but kind of wish I would've gone to see one before to help me deal with everything.
    So hang in there & take one day at a time. If you like wine, have a glass at night to relax you!! "Carole"

    Ktz - I Understand
    My husband has been battling throat cancer for 16 months, is recovering from surgery right now. I too, have a tendency to withdraw and not talk to people. My family and friends get very frustrated with me -but, you know what? They are just going to have to deal with it. They have no idea what my life is like right now dealing with all that we are dealing with at our house.

    Hang in there, and try to get away for a little while at a time if you can- even if just to grocery store or mall. I work, and while I feel guilty, it does me good to get away for the day. Some days I am able to work from home when needed.

    It is a very, very hard journey with no guarantee how it is going to end. Supposedly they got all my husband's cancer this time, but I am numb as opposed to being optimistic these days.

    Hang in there, sending (((hugs)) your way. You are not alone.
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    #10
    Ket:
    Sometimes I also get stressed out. George has been in this colorectal battle for 18 months. You ask will this crap ever end, probably not. If you have some siblings to help with mom, insist that they do, whether they like it or not, you need a few days off, by while insisting that they help, please don't make mom feel guilty or let them go and complain to her what an inconvenience it is. Just take it one day at a time, that is all you can do.

    This Friday morning I am taking off, going to the cottage in Mid-Michigan and plan on staying until the following Wednesday. George will be there for 2 days but 3 days of waiting on no one but yourself refreshes the body and soul. What do I look forward to most, sleeping in with no one to bother me but the cat. If that sounds selfish, oh well, it is what it is. No cooking, laundry, cleaning, ahhhh heaven.

    Take care - Tina
  • ketziah35
    ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
    #11
    geotina said:

    Ket:
    Sometimes I also get stressed out. George has been in this colorectal battle for 18 months. You ask will this crap ever end, probably not. If you have some siblings to help with mom, insist that they do, whether they like it or not, you need a few days off, by while insisting that they help, please don't make mom feel guilty or let them go and complain to her what an inconvenience it is. Just take it one day at a time, that is all you can do.

    This Friday morning I am taking off, going to the cottage in Mid-Michigan and plan on staying until the following Wednesday. George will be there for 2 days but 3 days of waiting on no one but yourself refreshes the body and soul. What do I look forward to most, sleeping in with no one to bother me but the cat. If that sounds selfish, oh well, it is what it is. No cooking, laundry, cleaning, ahhhh heaven.

    Take care - Tina

    I think I would feel better
    I think I would feel better if I can sleep for more than 3 hrs a night. As it goes my mom got her CAT scan and everytime she has a test I eat a lot and don't sleep. I am going to a ladies luncheon this weekend. Hopefully that will relax me.
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #12
    ketziah35 said:

    I think I would feel better
    I think I would feel better if I can sleep for more than 3 hrs a night. As it goes my mom got her CAT scan and everytime she has a test I eat a lot and don't sleep. I am going to a ladies luncheon this weekend. Hopefully that will relax me.

    just wondering
    How are you doing, ktz? Hoping you have been able to get some respite from the stress.

    Let us know!
  • wifflefrog
    wifflefrog Member Posts: 31
    #13
    Noellesmom said:

    help?
    Do you have a physician who can help you with sleep issues? Or is it that you are awake at night taking care of her? If so, is there someone who can give you a break?

    I don't know where your mom is in her diagnosis. That makes a difference in getting hospice help at night (or during the day). Our community has volunteers who also come in and sit with patients to give the family a break. Do you have a friend who is a night owl and might help?

    Please remember to take care of yourself, ktz.

    Sleep
    I can relate to the sleep thing. I am slowly getting back there, but not enough to sustain me.
    Of course I am coming off being pregnant and caring for my child right into my husband's cancer. So during the night I am listening for the baby now 9 months and my husband about 6 months into treatment. I want to take somethign to help me sleep, but I also need to make sure I can wake up & function. Occassionally I can get some help from my parents or I don't always mind if my husband goes into the hospital. Yet I still worry.
    So you have my support, but if anything just shut your eyes for a bit to let them rest & take lots of deep breaths.
  • ketziah35
    ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
    #14
    Noellesmom said:

    just wondering
    How are you doing, ktz? Hoping you have been able to get some respite from the stress.

    Let us know!

    Ambien is my best friend
    Ambien is my best friend right now. I got sleep and everything else is falling into place. I was not getting more than 3 hrs a night and I didn't want to submit tOO medicines. I kept thinking didn't Elvis start oiff this way, but I had to submit so I could function.

    Thank you so much for your support.
    Ktz
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #15
    ketziah35 said:

    Ambien is my best friend
    Ambien is my best friend right now. I got sleep and everything else is falling into place. I was not getting more than 3 hrs a night and I didn't want to submit tOO medicines. I kept thinking didn't Elvis start oiff this way, but I had to submit so I could function.

    Thank you so much for your support.
    Ktz

    Happy to hear
    I'm happy to hear you are getting some sleep. Nothing is right in our world if we don't get some real sleep.

    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...................
  • sparky33
    sparky33 Member Posts: 4
    #16
    right there with you
    My mom is also the one battling cancer, and I feel like I'm being ripped apart at the seems. Mom has always done everything for my dad, and now that she can't do anything because her breast cancer metastisized to her brain, my dad is completely lost, so I'm essentially running two households. Makings sure she's taking her meds, making sure she's eating, making sure she's getting to the doctor. Making sure he's taking his meds for his various afflictions. Opening mail, checking emails, and the list goes on and on and on! Some days, I just literally can't bear the thought of it - and on top of this I work a full time job. And have a hubby and 9 year old son to take care of as well. It's tough, and it's hard and it's exhausting, but she's my mom, and I will do what it takes to get her through this, even if it wears me out.

    I do my best to get my 5 minutes here and there, and I try to take care of myself. I lean on my brother for support, and on friends, and I'm not afraid to accept help as it's offered.

    There are just some days when it's too much, and I think that's normal. Hang in there!
  • sparky33
    sparky33 Member Posts: 4
    #17
    right there with you
    My mom is also the one battling cancer, and I feel like I'm being ripped apart at the seems. Mom has always done everything for my dad, and now that she can't do anything because her breast cancer metastisized to her brain, my dad is completely lost, so I'm essentially running two households. Makings sure she's taking her meds, making sure she's eating, making sure she's getting to the doctor. Making sure he's taking his meds for his various afflictions. Opening mail, checking emails, and the list goes on and on and on! Some days, I just literally can't bear the thought of it - and on top of this I work a full time job. And have a hubby and 9 year old son to take care of as well. It's tough, and it's hard and it's exhausting, but she's my mom, and I will do what it takes to get her through this, even if it wears me out.

    I do my best to get my 5 minutes here and there, and I try to take care of myself. I lean on my brother for support, and on friends, and I'm not afraid to accept help as it's offered.

    There are just some days when it's too much, and I think that's normal. Hang in there!

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