Hi, I'm new

Barbara53 said:

my mother is in bad shape too
Linda,

Welcome to caregivers, where you will meet some wonderful people. My 80-year-old mother doesn’t live with me, but since her diagnosis with advanced ovarian cancer 20 months ago, I’ve lived with her about a third of the time. She lives three states away, so I have to shut down my life and help live hers more and more. It’s not easy, but I certainly don’t envy your position, either.

What is your mother’s prognosis? You can talk about that more freely here than on the cancer boards where you don’t want to discourage people with bad news. We caregivers HAVE to take a realistic view to do our jobs well. My mother is still receiving chemo for advanced ovarian cancer, but it’s not working very well anymore and I think we will have hospice coming in the next few weeks. Needless to say, her prognosis is poor based on the normal course of her disease.

You need and deserve a break, and so does your husband. Perhaps you can arrange a couple of days away, and your mother and sister in law can work together to give you that time? It could be a chance for your mom to see if she likes being home again. Just a thought.

My mother wants to stay in her home until the last of her days, so my brothers and I will do our best to make that happen. So far, so good, but it’s one day at a time.

lovingwifedeb said:

Welcome To A Wonderful Group
I just got back from visiting my own mom where I grew up. She is a heavy smoker, drinker, her appetite is not good and her eyesight is poor. Her body is shutting down. I used to be able to take her books to read and make her meals for her to enjoy while I visited with her but this last visit was a hint of days to come.

I learned that she has a tumor on her lung and that it is probably cancer and that she most likely has emphysema. She refuses ANY treatment what-so-ever. She has signed the DNR paper with the hospital so I do know there is more this story than what she is willing to tell me. I live over 5 hours away, I still work and can't be there immediately for her when I feel I should be. At least I have a brother who lives closer to her and who can be there when time is critical. And wouldn't you know this summer my husband was diagnosed with melanoma stage 3c, my world came crashing down on me.

My point in all of this telling is that it seems family and friends at times of trouble have to step out of their everyday lives and bend for us at some point. Some do... some don't. We can't handle our lives at all times when our loved ones are sick. We need help. My mother is dying slowly. My husband? We don't know yet. Some days I feel overwhelmed with my troubles and I come here to vent and hope that someone will listen and respond to me.

Come here anytime, you are never alone with your thoughts or feelings. The caregivers here are dealing with every level there is that cancer is throwing at them. You are never alone here. Someone will listen.

Deb.
lovingwife to Bob

Pennymac02 said:

Ha!
Your Hubby and mother sound like my family!A lot of the caregivers on this board are in the same boat--lawn service, laundress, maid, nurse, financial manager, grocery shopper, cheerleader, primary worrier, AND working full time. I let myself get really overwhelmed and resentful and depressed, and recently went to my PCP for antidepressants and have started seeing a therapist. I've been pretty open on this board re: how this has been working for me. I feel much better most days. Still overwhelmed sometimes, but generally more positive. I want to be able to enjoy the time I have with my husband, not spend it feeling put out by all of the responsibilities. So I've been making a real effort to take care of myself, even if its only in little 10 minute increments. It's really helped. I cry in the shower, in the morning if I need to. And I ask my friends for help a lot, even if I just facebook them to ask for extra prayer.
Sorry that you needed to find this message board, but I'm glad it was here for both of us to find, if that makes any sense.
Penny

ruthelizabeth said:

I can understand.
Even though my situation wasn't the same as yours, I can understand some aspects of it. MY husband had four children and he loved them so dearly that dinners for two became dinners for three or four or five. In the first years of our marriage it hurt a lot. Marriages need times for just the two of you to stay strong. Try hard to carve out a couple of days or even a few hours to do something fun with your husband. It sounds as if your mom is strong enough for that and if not, can you arrange a day's visit at your brother's house? The three of you will do better if you and your husband can have some time alone.

If you are the chief cook, bottle-washer, laundress, ta da, ta da, try to find short cuts.

I bless my slow cooker. I could prep everything the night before (put a board on your lap, sit and watch TV with your husband and chop stuff up) and then throw everything in the pot the next morning and run to work. When I got home, supper was almost ready. (Let me know if you want recipes.) If you do soup or marinara sauce or stew or anything in the slow cooker, you can freeze some and have a quick meal to heat up.

Fish in foil is fast, too. Lay out a piece of foil, put a layer of sliced onions down, lay a fish filet on top, add anything you can think of (lemon juice and pepper, more onions and garlic, mushrooms, thinly sliced vegetables). Seal the foil. At this point you can refrigerate it for a day or sling it in the freezer. Cooking is simple. Put the packets on a baking sheet. Stick the pan in the oven at any temperature you choose and do other things. The fish will cook and stay moist for a long time. Meanwhile you can do other things and still know that dinner will be ready and good.

If you throw the laundry in before you leave for work, can your husband stick it in the dryer for you?

I understand your predicament even though mine wasn't exactly the same. I had a full-time job and when Don became almost totally bedridden........ When I was told that the youngest stepdaughter was definitely a threat to me and might be to her dad, I gave in and had his son stay at a motel and spend the day with his dad. It was expensive as he expected to be totally supported, but it was necessary. A month later I got a leave of absence and stayed up nights, then did errands and housework during the day. I know about doing everything and somehow managing to be cheerful and alllll that. It is not always possible. If your husband sees you making efforts to be with him more, maybe he will also make efforts to help you out with some minor things.

Hope you'll keep us posted on your situation. Come and tell us how things are. We will all understand.