Consumed

Carrie King · October 2010

Consumed -- that is exactly how I feel and I am not even the one with the brain tumor.

My whole life has been surrounded by it -- my Godfather died at age 24, uncle age 45 and Godmother at age 56. I have always wondered if it would be MY fate. However, never thought the fate of my healthy, young (36 yrs old), newlywed husband. What a cruel twist of fate.

Here I finally, finally found a religious, motivated man who is wonderful to all. Especially my children. I can now relax and not be the main supporter of the kids and myself. I had been working the third shift in the Emergency Room as a Supervisor for many years.

But only three months into our marriage the brain tumor strikes.

I don't like the person I have become -- I am strong during the day for children, family, friends and co-workers. But at night it all changes. I haven't sleep well for over 6 months in fear of him seizing again in his sleep, I am irritable inside, sad and weepy. Then during the day I see the pain other families go thru at work. I feel guilty for even having these thoughts and selfish as I am not even "the sick" one.

My husband is positive day in and day out (thank God). He is working and living his life as it was before. I don't want to "drag him down" so I keep this all inside.

I look at him and try to memorize his eyes, hands, voice. Because in the back of my mind I wonder if it is the last day. I try to say all I can say to him so I don't have any regrets. I feel guilty if I get angry with him as we will do at times with our loved ones.

The tumor doesn't have just my husband, it has captured me also.

grandmafay · October 2010

Affects Everyone
Cancer affects the whole family. Life as we know it changes. The fear and what ifs are so difficult to deal with. You are not alone in your feelings, but I am so sorry that you are having to deal with them. Fay

zinniemay · October 2010

Thanks
I could not have said it better "I look at him and try to memorize his eyes, hands, voice. Because in the back of my mind I wonder if it is the last day. I try to say all I can say to him so I don't have any regrets. I feel guilty if I get angry with him as we will do at times with our loved ones."
Cancer effeects everyone in it path. I kid allot that is how I deal with it on the out side, on the inside I feel my heart is ripping open.
So you are not alone, Some of us like me Are afraid to say these things for fear of letting out guard down. Or at least I am. I think if I can laugh or joke maybe it will go away Dut it doesn't I know that . But I have to try to get it together.

kimmygarland · October 2010

zinniemay said:
Thanks
I could not have said it better "I look at him and try to memorize his eyes, hands, voice. Because in the back of my mind I wonder if it is the last day. I try to say all I can say to him so I don't have any regrets. I feel guilty if I get angry with him as we will do at times with our loved ones."
Cancer effeects everyone in it path. I kid allot that is how I deal with it on the out side, on the inside I feel my heart is ripping open.
So you are not alone, Some of us like me Are afraid to say these things for fear of letting out guard down. Or at least I am. I think if I can laugh or joke maybe it will go away Dut it doesn't I know that . But I have to try to get it together.

Can Relate
Totally relate to being all consumed, and keeping it together for everyone. I just keep trying to convince myself there is a positive light at the end of this dark tunnel.

AnnaLeigh · October 2010

No regrets
Carrie,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. And I know the loss of other family members does not prepare you for losing the person you chose to be your partner for life. Nothing can prepare us for this.

Nights and weekends are the hardest for me. During the week, I am busy with appointments, chemo treatments, making calls, getting refills, etc. but once things slow down, my emotions catch up with me. This is also the loneliest time for me since everyone else seems to be busy with their lives and nothing has changed for them.

There was a time when I kept it all inside too and did not share the hurt I was feeling with my husband (the cancer patient) because I didn't want to add to his burden or interfere with the positive attitude he was presenting. But once I did, it opened the door for him to let his guard down and express how he felt also. It was amazing how many of the same feelings we were sharing but didn't know until we talked about it. He was just putting on his "happy face" because he thought that was best for everyone around him. We have since learned to be very honest with our friends and family so they know when we need moral support and they are able to assist us around the house sometimes.

Just because you are not the person who has cancer does not mean that you don't have needs too. The wife/caregiver needs just as much support as the person they are caring for. We need people to look after us also - physically, mentally and emotionally.

I love what you said about memorizing his eyes, hands and voice. I find myself doing those things also. We have also had a chance to get to know each other more deeply than we ever have before. Yes, we have a new definition of living with no regrets and we will cherish every moment we have with them.

You have a right to feel any emotion that comes your way - all of them - without excuses, guilt, judgement or explanations. It is unfortunately just part of this process.

cancersupport1 · October 2010

Thank-you!
I feel like you are speaking for me. You have expressed it so well. Your husband is not the only one with cancer. You are on this "adventure" with him. I do the same thing as you.. memorizing his every move. People tell me to be strong for him.. I feel I have to be strong for ME first. Then I can be strong for my family and him.

Thank-you so much for posting your thoughts and take care.

Consumed

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