seeking advice from my fellow sisters

carriesoup
carriesoup Member Posts: 144
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
so, had my second round of a/c yesterday, and feeling surprising not terrible.

anyway, my hair is really starting to come out now. i expected this. i said to my boyfriend, "boy my hair is really coming out now." his response, "well, you knew this was going to happen after the 2nd treatment."
this isn't exactly what i was looking for. (really, i was just looking for a, yeah that sucks!)
are men really that insensitive? or does he just not sure of what to say?

i'm all emotional on top of things. not sure if it's the chemo drugs, the steroids, etc...all of the above. i just got off the phone and cried.

thanks for letting me vent :(

Comments

  • evolboss
    evolboss Member Posts: 9
    #2
    Men
    They sometimes don't know what to say and inside they are just as emotional as us it just comes out different. My husband and I newly married at the time of my diagnoses helped me shave it when it started coming out. Let him be a part of it in that way so it's not so shocking, we had fun and first shaved a mohawk. Afterwards to make things easier and keep things as normal as possible for him and my son I mostly wore a wig which I purched ahead of time. Did you get a wig yet? If not get a couple have fun with them and your insurance might even pay for them. Good luck and just to let you know my hair is now growing back like crazy, I never had curley hair and mine is growing back thicker and curley. Good luck,Evon
  • carriesoup
    carriesoup Member Posts: 144
    #3
    evolboss said:

    Men
    They sometimes don't know what to say and inside they are just as emotional as us it just comes out different. My husband and I newly married at the time of my diagnoses helped me shave it when it started coming out. Let him be a part of it in that way so it's not so shocking, we had fun and first shaved a mohawk. Afterwards to make things easier and keep things as normal as possible for him and my son I mostly wore a wig which I purched ahead of time. Did you get a wig yet? If not get a couple have fun with them and your insurance might even pay for them. Good luck and just to let you know my hair is now growing back like crazy, I never had curley hair and mine is growing back thicker and curley. Good luck,Evon

    thanks :)
    yes, i do have a wig. all trimmed and ready for wear! i know he's having a hard time with all of this too. we planned on shaving my head together. guess, it's going to have to happen pretty soon... not sure i can handle big clumps of hair coming it. right now, it's just 7-8 strands at a time.

    thanks evon
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #4
    I just shaved mine a couple
    I just shaved mine a couple of weeks ago. I waited till it got pretty mangy, bald spots here, severe thinning there, thick on the other side. I did it myself, I wanted to take control. My scalp felt better after the shave too.

    My husband said the same thing! I think he was surprised that I was emotional about it. After all, I had 3 haircuts, two wigs, a hat and some scarfs to get ready. I think he thought because I was ready physically I was also ready emotionally.

    Of course you're emotional now, you have a lot to deal with. Crying is just another way to vent. And this whole journey is as emotionally difficult for the men in our lives as it is us. But I think it's harder for them to express.

    Hope this helps.

    Linda
  • John_32
    John_32 Member Posts: 71
    #5
    Gabe N Abby Mom said:

    I just shaved mine a couple
    I just shaved mine a couple of weeks ago. I waited till it got pretty mangy, bald spots here, severe thinning there, thick on the other side. I did it myself, I wanted to take control. My scalp felt better after the shave too.

    My husband said the same thing! I think he was surprised that I was emotional about it. After all, I had 3 haircuts, two wigs, a hat and some scarfs to get ready. I think he thought because I was ready physically I was also ready emotionally.

    Of course you're emotional now, you have a lot to deal with. Crying is just another way to vent. And this whole journey is as emotionally difficult for the men in our lives as it is us. But I think it's harder for them to express.

    Hope this helps.

    Linda

    I'm not a "fellow sister"
    I'm not a "fellow sister" but I've gone through this with my wife and mother, and from a man's perspective, he was probably just trying to prevent you from getting upset by reminding you that the hair loss was all part of the treatment and not a freak side effect you need to be worried about. Maybe it came out awkwardly, but seeing your wife or girlfriend get saturated with poison, even if it is to save her life, is awkward in itself and sometimes people aren't going to know exactly what to say or how to say it, but it doesn't mean they don't care about you very much.
  • carriesoup
    carriesoup Member Posts: 144
    #6
    John_32 said:

    I'm not a "fellow sister"
    I'm not a "fellow sister" but I've gone through this with my wife and mother, and from a man's perspective, he was probably just trying to prevent you from getting upset by reminding you that the hair loss was all part of the treatment and not a freak side effect you need to be worried about. Maybe it came out awkwardly, but seeing your wife or girlfriend get saturated with poison, even if it is to save her life, is awkward in itself and sometimes people aren't going to know exactly what to say or how to say it, but it doesn't mean they don't care about you very much.

    john32
    thanks. i know seeing me go through this is tough. i'm not "myself", but how could i be? it's nice to get a guys perspective though. thank you. guys are just wired differently, sometimes we don't want logic! lol. we want sympathy :)
  • jo jo
    jo jo Member Posts: 1,175 Member
    #7
    Carrie mine said the same
    Carrie mine said the same thing...Well you knew it was going to happen...well ya DUH! But now its reality, its actually happening and it is a little emotional. Over all thats not what he ment and i realy believe he just didnt know how to express himself at that time...and a few other times but we wont go there. He was the one who cut off my hair when i was loosing it in clumps and when i was bald he would rub my head for luck...got to have the humor and now that its growing he chases me around the house with hair gel to spike it...but thats our way of dealing with it and i never wore a wig (even after i swore i wouldnt be seen without one) I wore bandannas much more comfortable.
    So their not being insenitive they like us just dont know how to react or the right thing to say in the moment.
  • Evoling_butterfly
    Evoling_butterfly Member Posts: 57
    #8
    Well
    I shaved my head after my first chemo treatment it was a power/contol thing for me too.

    I'm not in a relationship.However, just watching my aunts,mother, and cousin go through cancer with their other halves I learned alot. I know we( with cancer) go through alot of emotional crap that's we can't fully grasp and we just want someone( our mate) to feel all that we do. And it's not that they don't but it can be hard (especially men)to deal with their own emotions and be as supportive as we need them to be. They feel that they have to hide those emotions in order to be that strong person. Leaving them an emotional wreck and just not knowing what to say, what to do...

    Then there are those who weren't mature/supportive enough before the cancer so how can be except them to magically mature cause of cancer..

    Girl, I turned 31 a month after I was diagnois and I wasn't really emotional..Now a few months into chemo and I feel like crying about everything :)..I think it'll get better at least I hope for both of us!
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #9
    Evoling_butterfly said:

    Well
    I shaved my head after my first chemo treatment it was a power/contol thing for me too.

    I'm not in a relationship.However, just watching my aunts,mother, and cousin go through cancer with their other halves I learned alot. I know we( with cancer) go through alot of emotional crap that's we can't fully grasp and we just want someone( our mate) to feel all that we do. And it's not that they don't but it can be hard (especially men)to deal with their own emotions and be as supportive as we need them to be. They feel that they have to hide those emotions in order to be that strong person. Leaving them an emotional wreck and just not knowing what to say, what to do...

    Then there are those who weren't mature/supportive enough before the cancer so how can be except them to magically mature cause of cancer..

    Girl, I turned 31 a month after I was diagnois and I wasn't really emotional..Now a few months into chemo and I feel like crying about everything :)..I think it'll get better at least I hope for both of us!

    this is my second time
    this is my second time dealing with it 16 years apart with my husband. The first time did not go so well we were young had small kids. little support, and there werent as many young or they werent accessable survivors. I didnt lose my hair (thinnned considerably)but went through all kinds of hormonal things. mastectomy reurrance, CMF chemo yada yada We got through but not so well, the second time we had time to talk about what didnt go so well. we had been married longer and the kids were older. I think men feel that they have to be strong, and at times rightly so. If my husband had showed too much of a chink in his armour I would have fallen apart. I depended on him to encourage mel help me deny. Its a tall order. but with that comes the other side, you cant expect them to be strong and not be rather to the point sometimes.Of course you realize this in retrospect, my husband was a huge suppport and the one I depended on. (I was very weak and like a child I wanted only him to help me) but sometimes he didnt do things perfectly but I knew he was trying. (sometimes it took me a while to see that LOL) Anyway keep communication open, its important to try to maintain your relationship. I also could tell how hard this was for him by the look on his face, and that killed me. Its really hard to see how hard this is on them when you are feeling so horrible.
    Any rather long winded but remember to vent here as we understand. I just buzzed my head (not shaved) when the hair started coming out and moved on. because I knew it would definately fall out this time. I had dealt with hair thinning and hair coming out in the shower the first time, my daughter grabbing my hair in her hands and it coming out(8 months) in her hands and I just didnt want to deal with it again . prememtive strike and i am so glad I did. I went to a salon had a private room, but thats how I deal with it. you will get through this, not totally unscathed but you will!!!

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