Acceptance

lovingwifedeb
lovingwifedeb Member Posts: 183
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I've been working real hard to find this in my life lately. The feelings that come with it pass through me in great waves and there are days that I find myself kneeling on the floor with deep emotion. This life shouldn't be filled with so much suffering. At least not in 1 year. This man, my husband who for 10 years has given my life meaning and has picked up the pieces of my broken dreams when I couldn't do it for myself. A man who stepped into my daughter's life when her own father could not be bothered. She has learned to love and trust my husband, we both have.

And then last Father's Day the worst news of all came.

Melanoma.

Our world is turned upside down, our dreams of the future uncertain. One year? Two? Five? Who knows? This monster lives under our bed, waiting.

And now another battle is happening...

Soon I travel back home where I was raised to visit my mom. She has been diagnosed with lung cancer, her health not good and has signed a DNR paper. Her choice and I don't disagree with her. But she won't talk with me about it, I found out about it through my brother. She probably doesn't want me to worry because of my husband's recent news...

Acceptance? I know it will happen in time. The timing sucks. Life isn't fair I know. Maybe acceptance will come after my tears are spent.

Too much pain in my heart right now, I'm drowning in it.

How do I let it all go?

Deb
lovingwife to Bob, stage 3c

Comments

  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #2
    one day
    Deb,
    My heart breaks for you and I struggle to find words that would comfort you. I want to say everything will be ok but that far from it. We are all traveling this road of Cancer or we would not be here on these boards. We are all stuggling to make it thru the day.
    I have as you may have read what I call Funk days. Oh they are alful. Words can not explain these days. But then I have the ones that I can share with my husband (36 years) . These are the ones I am clinging to .
    Do you have some one you can just talk to? Some one who will let you just cry and say how you feel?
    I wish I could just reach out and touch your hand and say it will be ok. Or some words of wisdom would come to my mind I could offer you. I suck at all this . But Still I am trying to let you know as alone as you feel , we are walking the same road. I wish I could help you.
    Jennie
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #3
    I can identify, Deb
    My year has been much like yours, with my husband's diagnosis coming the day before my only brother's funeral in May of this year.

    Why we were put in the middle of this maelstrom is something God alone knows. As I was on the floor this morning looking for my sandals lost under my bed somewhere, I had a brief passing thought that 'Lord, I don't know how many more times I can get up from being knocked down'. My next thought was that I would be able to get up as many times as He helped me and go on and do His work.

    Still, one does get tired, Deb.

    Acceptance does come, you are right. Until it does, I agree with Zinniemay - you must find people in your life, including those here on this site, who will listen to you.

    Hugs, hugs, hugs to you Deb.
  • lovingwifedeb
    lovingwifedeb Member Posts: 183
    #4
    zinniemay said:

    one day
    Deb,
    My heart breaks for you and I struggle to find words that would comfort you. I want to say everything will be ok but that far from it. We are all traveling this road of Cancer or we would not be here on these boards. We are all stuggling to make it thru the day.
    I have as you may have read what I call Funk days. Oh they are alful. Words can not explain these days. But then I have the ones that I can share with my husband (36 years) . These are the ones I am clinging to .
    Do you have some one you can just talk to? Some one who will let you just cry and say how you feel?
    I wish I could just reach out and touch your hand and say it will be ok. Or some words of wisdom would come to my mind I could offer you. I suck at all this . But Still I am trying to let you know as alone as you feel , we are walking the same road. I wish I could help you.
    Jennie

    I appreciate Your Concern
    Thank you for your concern both of you... I had a weak moment and had to just let it out. Sometimes I think this will be the best place because it will be too much for my husband to hear. He has enough to worry about.

    I can accept losing my mom she is 77, her health has not been good for the last 10 years. Although her age is still pretty young in my book for being a "grandma" the choices she has made in her life has lead up to what is happening to here right now. And I will miss her terribly, orneriness and all. But the fear of losing my husband did completely overwhelm me last night.

    Those around me think chemotherapy will fix everything. I don't know about you but when you someone around you gets cancer and you find yourself reading, studying and going to doctor appointments you end up learning way more than you ever wanted to know about this disease. My husband has a 70% chance sometime within 5 years of it after his surgery was done and taking him into stage 4, that's what the doctor told us. Yes, my heart is breaking. I won't go into the details of his stage here, but melanoma is unlike any so we are told. Miracles? If you believe them. I am not a religious person but I am spiritually based and inclined to believe in the power of a bigger presence than myself. My life isn't all dark and heavy, it's just completely overwhelming me right now. I can try to think that my husband will fit into the other 30% but... fear takes over some days...

    My "friends" don't have cancer in their lives... you do. So that's why I am here.

    Thank you for listening
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #5
    lovingwifedeb said:

    I appreciate Your Concern
    Thank you for your concern both of you... I had a weak moment and had to just let it out. Sometimes I think this will be the best place because it will be too much for my husband to hear. He has enough to worry about.

    I can accept losing my mom she is 77, her health has not been good for the last 10 years. Although her age is still pretty young in my book for being a "grandma" the choices she has made in her life has lead up to what is happening to here right now. And I will miss her terribly, orneriness and all. But the fear of losing my husband did completely overwhelm me last night.

    Those around me think chemotherapy will fix everything. I don't know about you but when you someone around you gets cancer and you find yourself reading, studying and going to doctor appointments you end up learning way more than you ever wanted to know about this disease. My husband has a 70% chance sometime within 5 years of it after his surgery was done and taking him into stage 4, that's what the doctor told us. Yes, my heart is breaking. I won't go into the details of his stage here, but melanoma is unlike any so we are told. Miracles? If you believe them. I am not a religious person but I am spiritually based and inclined to believe in the power of a bigger presence than myself. My life isn't all dark and heavy, it's just completely overwhelming me right now. I can try to think that my husband will fit into the other 30% but... fear takes over some days...

    My "friends" don't have cancer in their lives... you do. So that's why I am here.

    Thank you for listening

    Depend on us for comfort!
    Debb,
    This has got to be overwhelming for you. First your husband, and now your mom. Hopefully you have support of family & friends because that helps so much. But as good as it is to talk to them, they don't understand if they've never gone through this. And all of us on this discussion have, so we know what you're going through and don't mind you venting at all. Even though I'm seeing a counselor and have meds, this website has helped alot. Although when I go into the chat rooms it seems as if most of the people have cancer & were not caregiver, so don't go on too much.
    Just hang in there, be strong and keep coming back here to talk to us!! "Carole"
  • Carrie King
    Carrie King Member Posts: 48
    #6
    Deb
    How do we let it all go? I think about that so much. My husband and I married in Nov 09 and then three months later he has a seizure in his sleep, only to be diagnosed with Oligodendroglioma, Stage 2, left frontal lobe, 4.8 cm. He is truly the best thing to ever happen to my kids and myself. He is like no one I have ever met before and would and has done many wonderful acts of kindness in his life to complete strangers.

    At times I am at peace and know this is God's Will and plan. Then at the next moment I think how can it be? He is young and a great example to so many. He is a Police Sgt and only has 1 class left to finish his Masters.

    I feel at times strong and then at times that I am losing my mind and thinking about this tumor all the time! It is like it has me too. My husband is soooo positive throught out all of this. Next week Monday he will have an MRI to see if there has been any "changes". Then if that is well, they will replace the bone flap in his head the end of Oct. He has already had 4 brain surgeries in the month of June alone.

    However, God is good and my husband came out of these surgeries without any deficits whatsoever and is still with us. Even working.

    Your husband, mother and you are in my prayers.

    Carrie
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #7
    Greatest Fear
    Hi Deb, I don't have any words of wisdom. Dealing with a cancer dx of a loved one is very hard. You grieve the life you had before cancer showed up. You live with your greatest fear, losing your husband, lurking in your mind. Of course you are having trouble with acceptance. You're scared. That's ok and normal whatever that is. Your life is not normal, but it sounds to me that you are. The uncertainty is really tough. Before you can find acceptance, you need to find hope. New treatments are being found every day. The statistics you are reading is probably outdated. People are living longer with all forms of cancer. I'm not saying that you should deny reality. You and your husband have a hard journey before you. Cancer is now a part of your life. It will always be in the back of your mind and even at the front at times. Your mother's dx adds to your burden. I understand that a little. My mother has also been dx with cancer and because she has some dementia and other problems the decision is not to treat. Not an easy decision, but the right one.

    Today, I am living my greatest fear. My husband passed away from colon cancer last year. All the statistics indicated that his five year survival chance was less than 10%. He made it for a little over six years, much longer than anyone expected. During that time we made many wonderful memories. Some days were really hard, but we tried to concentrate on the now. We took each day as a gift and tried to do the best we could. I still try to do that. Facing the fact of our own mortality is one product of a cancer dx. We realize that death is not only a possibility but a certainty. None of us knows when or how we will die, though. As you said, who knows? Your husband may have many years ahead of him. Don't let cancer steal your now. Fay
  • lovingwifedeb
    lovingwifedeb Member Posts: 183
    #8
    grandmafay said:

    Greatest Fear
    Hi Deb, I don't have any words of wisdom. Dealing with a cancer dx of a loved one is very hard. You grieve the life you had before cancer showed up. You live with your greatest fear, losing your husband, lurking in your mind. Of course you are having trouble with acceptance. You're scared. That's ok and normal whatever that is. Your life is not normal, but it sounds to me that you are. The uncertainty is really tough. Before you can find acceptance, you need to find hope. New treatments are being found every day. The statistics you are reading is probably outdated. People are living longer with all forms of cancer. I'm not saying that you should deny reality. You and your husband have a hard journey before you. Cancer is now a part of your life. It will always be in the back of your mind and even at the front at times. Your mother's dx adds to your burden. I understand that a little. My mother has also been dx with cancer and because she has some dementia and other problems the decision is not to treat. Not an easy decision, but the right one.

    Today, I am living my greatest fear. My husband passed away from colon cancer last year. All the statistics indicated that his five year survival chance was less than 10%. He made it for a little over six years, much longer than anyone expected. During that time we made many wonderful memories. Some days were really hard, but we tried to concentrate on the now. We took each day as a gift and tried to do the best we could. I still try to do that. Facing the fact of our own mortality is one product of a cancer dx. We realize that death is not only a possibility but a certainty. None of us knows when or how we will die, though. As you said, who knows? Your husband may have many years ahead of him. Don't let cancer steal your now. Fay

    Don't Let Cancer Steal Your Now...
    Thank you "grandmafay"... yours words hit home for me today. I have read a lot of posts on this discussion site and there are people who talk AROUND death. I think you are my key as hard as your truth might be for me. No one wants death to happen but for me if I accept that it is a one an true possibility for my husband then maybe I can just let go of it and breathe and take one day as it comes to us. I never thought of it that way. By trying to deny death, pushing it away from us as a possibility it's cause me so much more stress and heartache than I can bear. I do know we all die someday, it's the timing that sucks... who is ever ready when it comes for us? If by accepting death I can look at my husband in love and say to him, "yes, TODAY we will beat this monster that lives with us" AND NOT LOOK AT TOMORROW, then maybe just maybe I will find my peace?

    Thank you for your perspective and loving words. You are much appreciated here and so is your braveness and strength.

    Deb
    lovingwife to Bob, stage 3c
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    #9
    lovingwifedeb said:

    Don't Let Cancer Steal Your Now...
    Thank you "grandmafay"... yours words hit home for me today. I have read a lot of posts on this discussion site and there are people who talk AROUND death. I think you are my key as hard as your truth might be for me. No one wants death to happen but for me if I accept that it is a one an true possibility for my husband then maybe I can just let go of it and breathe and take one day as it comes to us. I never thought of it that way. By trying to deny death, pushing it away from us as a possibility it's cause me so much more stress and heartache than I can bear. I do know we all die someday, it's the timing that sucks... who is ever ready when it comes for us? If by accepting death I can look at my husband in love and say to him, "yes, TODAY we will beat this monster that lives with us" AND NOT LOOK AT TOMORROW, then maybe just maybe I will find my peace?

    Thank you for your perspective and loving words. You are much appreciated here and so is your braveness and strength.

    Deb
    lovingwife to Bob, stage 3c

    Deb
    What a heavy burden you are having to bear right now. Ugh... it's so scary and hard. I completely understand and I hope you can find a way to get some peace for yourself.

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