Got those Scan Results

chicoturner
chicoturner Member Posts: 282
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Well, I went to SF today for my scan results. I guess I should have guessed at how the day would go. Traffic was bad and it took 4 hours to get there. At the lab, my normally grouchy
tech was on vacation and the nice smiling man who was subbing couldn't get a draw... Then the next lady wanted to put the iv in my hand, but my hands were to cold,, so I stood with warm water for about 3-4 mins, wishing I had given the urine speciman first...Then on upstairs where I waited and waited to see the doc. None of this was typical. I was finally called in and the med assit. was a different one and she couldn't get my bp in my bloodless arm, but she tried really hard, so hard it hurt. Finally she changed arms and then we all wondered why my bp was a bit high. Finally saw the doc and though my scans overall were stable there was growth in one tumor. Accumulated growth over last 2 scans was over 20% so... I'm out. It actually grew 35% and is almost an inch wide. I am feeling sort of numb tonight, hoping that this is my day of "sorry me", but just feel lost. She said there are other trials and she feels sure I will hear from them within the next 2 weeks. I have to take a month off. Doc was very reasuring about me being healthy and such, but it still such a blow. I will also change nurses and research coordinators. To much change to hear about in one day. Today I lost a lot of the confidence I was carrying. We have all watched so many of our strong friends fall. I know in words that I can beat this, but have to wonder today if I am fooling myself and setting myself up.A real disadvantage of being confident is your friends become confident too and it is so hard to tell them it failed. Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulders. I guess it has just been a long day. I know tomorrow will be better. Thank you all. Jean

Comments

  • Nana b
    Nana b Member Posts: 3,030 Member
    #2
    Keep Strong!!
    Today I lost a
    Keep Strong!!

    Today I lost a lot of the confidence I was carrying (don't)

    Don't focus on the bad, one foot in front of the other...do everything to build your immune system. We have to do this to succeed and beat this. You can do it!! Hugs!
  • Crow71
    Crow71 Member Posts: 679 Member
    #3
    Hey Jean - This is a setback
    Hey Jean - This is a setback and I feel terrible for you. But don't let it suck all of your confidence away. You ain't finished!! I hope you feel better today.
    Stay strong and focussed.
    Roger
  • Sigma34
    Sigma34 Member Posts: 203
    #4
    Crow71 said:

    Hey Jean - This is a setback
    Hey Jean - This is a setback and I feel terrible for you. But don't let it suck all of your confidence away. You ain't finished!! I hope you feel better today.
    Stay strong and focussed.
    Roger

    Oh man Jean! Yes, it was it
    Oh man Jean! Yes, it was it a lot to process in one day and you are right tomorrow you will feel better about the situation and stronger. I am sorry about your news and glad you shared with us.

    Peace and Calm,

    Christine
  • maglets
    maglets Member Posts: 2,576 Member
    #5
    Sigma34 said:

    Oh man Jean! Yes, it was it
    Oh man Jean! Yes, it was it a lot to process in one day and you are right tomorrow you will feel better about the situation and stronger. I am sorry about your news and glad you shared with us.

    Peace and Calm,

    Christine

    Cry away Jean
    yes Jean some days are just too much but you are right....another better one is coming along. I believe it takes time to absorb both good and bad news. take your time. Another window will open I feel sure.

    best hugs.

    mags
  • tina dasilva
    tina dasilva Member Posts: 641
    #6
    keep strong we are all
    keep strong we are all thinking about you
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    #7
    Hi Jean:)
    I've shared many of the thoughts you are talking about, Jean...in fact, just opened a post about it.

    I understand "losing some confidence." It happens - it happened to me even. You begin to question alot of things as time goes by, "Like will I really win?" That's the $64,000 question, that none of us can answer so far.

    We go headstrong into the fray, but like the sands of time, we can get worn out from the experiences and all we endure on a yearly basis, chasing this dragon around our body.

    Watching our friends pass away has added alot of this into our equation - it's saying to us, "Am I kidding myself?"

    No easy answser here - just take the bad days and try and stay resolved to staying in there for as long as is possible. Self-doubt and lack of confidence can spring up anytime along our path - we must take note of it and then keep trying to keep our eye on the bigger picture.

    It's hard - I just came out of a rough 7-days of chemo (again) and I've been questioning all sorts of things and finally had to release my post to get it out of my system.

    My headaches from Neulasta are behind me finally, I just opened the blinds to see the day - and I know there is still hope for so many of us. It's just that when we are in the throes of battle, it takes us awhile to recognize where the dark days are along our journey and where the brighter ones lie ahead.

    I'm sending you a hug and just know today will be better for you. And remember, don't get too down about seeing the dark side of things - it's natural and is an important elememet in our battle, for it then shows us the bright moments that each one of us are fighting so hard to get to.

    Love:)
    -Craig
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673 Member
    #8
    Tomorrow will be a better day
    Jean,

    I am sorry your tumour grew + you are out of that clinical trial. The onc sounds very encouraging, which is great, + everything else was stable, which is good. I am hoping the next clinical trial will work incredibly well for you. I know what you mean about not wanting to tell friend something isn't working as well as hoped. You have incredible spirit; keep it up!
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #9
    There is hope
    Dear Jean,

    So sorry this particular trial didn't work for you, but hope the next one will.

    There is hope every day that you open your eyes and can say I will keep trying today.

    Turn that "disadvantage" of being confident to your friends, into what you really need from them. Tell them that no matter what you try or how many things you try, you need them to share your confidence for every one of them and not to consider them failures. After all who knows, it may be that the progression of treatments you take will be the key instead of failure. Maybe it isn't just one treatment type but the whole of it all that makes the difference for your situation.

    Hang in there Jean, we are with ya!

    Marie who loves kitties

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