Why can't I have good memories

mdnikki
mdnikki Member Posts: 34
edited March 2014 in Grief and Bereavement #1
Well its now been 2 months since my mother passed and I am so mad at myself. I know I am supposed to think of all the good times we shared...but all I can think of and remember are the last 3 months of her life when we were in the hospital.

I look at photos of our great family vacations and time together...but in my mind the only vision I have of her is laying in the bed, in pain, uncertain as to what was happening, the ups and downs of is she coming home, nursing home, hospice. The rollercoaster ride of good days and bad ones.

Why can't my mind focus on the good times. Why can't I have visions of anything prior to those 3 months. Its like there is this wall in my head preventing me from going back any further.

Has anyone else had this issue?

Comments

  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120 Member
    #2
    Been there..still there..
    So for your loss....its been just about 3 months since my husband passed from Lung Cancer...and I am still having moments that no matter how hard I try...the only vision I can find of him in my head is the night he died...this is made worse by the fact that he died at home..so his death is now a part of my home...and sadly the brief period of illness in the home is out weighing the 31 yrs of happy memories...but I am working daily on that.
    I have made many changes to my environment in an effort to reduce the memories of him in the bed...sometimes I manage..but more times than not I fail.
    Bill loved the beach...so I tend to look at picture of him fishing...this was just last summer...when he was whole....it helps some.
    I think that we have problems mainly because its just too soon....my berevement counselor says that it takes upwards of a year to move past the pain..all we as surviors can due to to push on and be grateful for whatever fleeting moments of happiness we can find...nothing is going to take it away totally...they were our lives and now there gone...but we need to push on for them.
    Bill told me that he had the easy side of this whole thing....I was going to be left alone...and that bothered him....but I promised him that I would be ok and in time I am sure I will be.
    Be gentle with youself.
    Pat
  • mdnikki
    mdnikki Member Posts: 34
    #3
    bingles said:

    Been there..still there..
    So for your loss....its been just about 3 months since my husband passed from Lung Cancer...and I am still having moments that no matter how hard I try...the only vision I can find of him in my head is the night he died...this is made worse by the fact that he died at home..so his death is now a part of my home...and sadly the brief period of illness in the home is out weighing the 31 yrs of happy memories...but I am working daily on that.
    I have made many changes to my environment in an effort to reduce the memories of him in the bed...sometimes I manage..but more times than not I fail.
    Bill loved the beach...so I tend to look at picture of him fishing...this was just last summer...when he was whole....it helps some.
    I think that we have problems mainly because its just too soon....my berevement counselor says that it takes upwards of a year to move past the pain..all we as surviors can due to to push on and be grateful for whatever fleeting moments of happiness we can find...nothing is going to take it away totally...they were our lives and now there gone...but we need to push on for them.
    Bill told me that he had the easy side of this whole thing....I was going to be left alone...and that bothered him....but I promised him that I would be ok and in time I am sure I will be.
    Be gentle with youself.
    Pat

    Thanks. I know my mom would
    Thanks. I know my mom would be so angry at me for "focusing" on this so I am trying so hard to force myself into remembering the good times. I'm just so afraid I am going to lose those "older" memories of her for good and all that will remain are her sick days.
  • mandifred
    mandifred Member Posts: 4
    #4
    My mom passed away from lung
    My mom passed away from lung cancer 2 months ago. All I can see is her bald head in a hospital gown. It breaks my heart because that is not my mother and that is not how I want to remember her. I picture her crying & sad because she can't do much for herself.. I hate that. Everyone tells me it will go away and I'll be able to remember all the good times but.. I just don't know when.
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #5
    bingles said:

    Been there..still there..
    So for your loss....its been just about 3 months since my husband passed from Lung Cancer...and I am still having moments that no matter how hard I try...the only vision I can find of him in my head is the night he died...this is made worse by the fact that he died at home..so his death is now a part of my home...and sadly the brief period of illness in the home is out weighing the 31 yrs of happy memories...but I am working daily on that.
    I have made many changes to my environment in an effort to reduce the memories of him in the bed...sometimes I manage..but more times than not I fail.
    Bill loved the beach...so I tend to look at picture of him fishing...this was just last summer...when he was whole....it helps some.
    I think that we have problems mainly because its just too soon....my berevement counselor says that it takes upwards of a year to move past the pain..all we as surviors can due to to push on and be grateful for whatever fleeting moments of happiness we can find...nothing is going to take it away totally...they were our lives and now there gone...but we need to push on for them.
    Bill told me that he had the easy side of this whole thing....I was going to be left alone...and that bothered him....but I promised him that I would be ok and in time I am sure I will be.
    Be gentle with youself.
    Pat

    At least you talked.
    Me & my husband didn't talk about him dying. He also had lung cancer and was diagnosed in January. He had a rare side effect from the chemo Avastin & hemmoraged to death in our bathroom. I still can't get that out of my head, cause he was standing leaning on the vanity and I could see he was going to collapse and helped him lay down. Called 911 but they worked on him for almost 1/2 hour but it was too late. His lesions in his spine & back were greatly reduced after radiation. So we were hopeful. Had one chemo with 3 types one of which was avastin. He started coughing up blood , so the next time they eliminated the Avastin, but the damage was already done. He died on March 25th. I'm still seeing a counselor and am on meds which help. So take your time and grieve when you feel like it. Keep posting to let us know how you're doing! Carole
  • ktlcs
    ktlcs Member Posts: 358
    #6
    mandifred said:

    My mom passed away from lung
    My mom passed away from lung cancer 2 months ago. All I can see is her bald head in a hospital gown. It breaks my heart because that is not my mother and that is not how I want to remember her. I picture her crying & sad because she can't do much for herself.. I hate that. Everyone tells me it will go away and I'll be able to remember all the good times but.. I just don't know when.

    I can't get past it
    My husband died of rectal cancer 2 mos ago as well and all I can see is those last two days in the hospital, as things just spiraled downhill. I don't want these memories, I want to remember the 23 years of good times but I can't I just go back to that last week over and over. When does it stop?

    Kathy
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #7
    I read these and feel a great deal of sadness. I wish I had some magic words, but those just don't exist. Time does help. The pain doesn't disappear. I have learned to cope with it easier. Also don't let anyone tell you how much time it takes. I don't think there is any set amount of time. Maybe a year, Maybe more, maybe less. I think we learn to adjust. As of Monday, Doug will have been gone 11 months. I still miss him more than anything. I will always love him. I do have some less than happy memories from those last six years, but I don't dwell on them. All of you have only been grieving for a very short time. I am sure given time you will find coping easier. Counseling and meds also seem to help. Just don't let anyone, including me, tell you how you should feel or how long you should feel that way. You will find your own way and deal with it in your own time. Fay
  • ktlcs
    ktlcs Member Posts: 358
    #8
    3Mana said:

    At least you talked.
    Me & my husband didn't talk about him dying. He also had lung cancer and was diagnosed in January. He had a rare side effect from the chemo Avastin & hemmoraged to death in our bathroom. I still can't get that out of my head, cause he was standing leaning on the vanity and I could see he was going to collapse and helped him lay down. Called 911 but they worked on him for almost 1/2 hour but it was too late. His lesions in his spine & back were greatly reduced after radiation. So we were hopeful. Had one chemo with 3 types one of which was avastin. He started coughing up blood , so the next time they eliminated the Avastin, but the damage was already done. He died on March 25th. I'm still seeing a counselor and am on meds which help. So take your time and grieve when you feel like it. Keep posting to let us know how you're doing! Carole

    3 Mana
    My heart broke reading your story. I so much understand what you are saying..all I see in my head is my husband vomiting blood while I held the bucket for him and pleaded with the nurses to do something..and then the GI Dr telling me there was nothing more that could be done except keep him comfortable. I still don't understand it, he was doing well, his tumor markers were normal, he was eating well, there were no indicators and then suddenly...I thought we were going to the ER for back pain.
    I finally broke down today and made an appointment with a counselor..I am hoping it would help, I just never thought I'd be here,,,,

    Kathy
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #9
    grandmafay said:

    I read these and feel a great deal of sadness. I wish I had some magic words, but those just don't exist. Time does help. The pain doesn't disappear. I have learned to cope with it easier. Also don't let anyone tell you how much time it takes. I don't think there is any set amount of time. Maybe a year, Maybe more, maybe less. I think we learn to adjust. As of Monday, Doug will have been gone 11 months. I still miss him more than anything. I will always love him. I do have some less than happy memories from those last six years, but I don't dwell on them. All of you have only been grieving for a very short time. I am sure given time you will find coping easier. Counseling and meds also seem to help. Just don't let anyone, including me, tell you how you should feel or how long you should feel that way. You will find your own way and deal with it in your own time. Fay

    Time
    My husband has just finished treatment for hypopharyngeal and base of tongue cancer and is doing well.

    My father, however, died almost 24 years ago of lymphoma and lung cancer. To this day I can still clearly see my father the day he died, gasping for air because the tumor was then cutting off his air supply almost completely. He was in a hospital bed: there must have been twenty people in his room and that many more in the hall, just wanting to be close. He was a remarkable man.

    Time does help, yes, but I believe thinking about the good times and focusing on the love and care you had for each other is just as important, if not more so.

    Remember to be gentle with yourselves during this grieving period. I'm with Faye - this is your process and you must take ownership of it and not let anyone dictate how long or how much. Everyone deserves to be different.

    Hugs to all of you.
  • sosadtotalkaboutit
    sosadtotalkaboutit Member Posts: 2
    #10
    I'm in the same boat
    My mom died 3 weeks ago today and it still doesn't feel real. We learned she might have cancer (the biopsy later confirmed it) one month and 3 days before she passed. That time went by so quick. Hospice was wonderful to her and my family. Mom hit it off with her nurse, Cindy from their first meeting. We thought mom had at least 3 months. Now, I keep thinking I should have taken a leave of absence sooner so I could have spent more time with her in those last short weeks. She died at home and my stepfather, my brother and his daughter were there with me in the room when she died.

    Later we sat down as a family and went through the family picture albums and that helped. We cried but we also laughed at some of the crazy stuff in there and how we looked when we were younger. It was bittersweet but it helped us get those last images out for a while.

    I think you have to consider what your mother would have wanted you to do. If my mom could talk to me now, she would probably tell me to snap out of it and get on with my life. She would remind me that life is too short and to enjoy it to the fullest. Knowing that has helped me even in this short time.
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #11
    ktlcs said:

    3 Mana
    My heart broke reading your story. I so much understand what you are saying..all I see in my head is my husband vomiting blood while I held the bucket for him and pleaded with the nurses to do something..and then the GI Dr telling me there was nothing more that could be done except keep him comfortable. I still don't understand it, he was doing well, his tumor markers were normal, he was eating well, there were no indicators and then suddenly...I thought we were going to the ER for back pain.
    I finally broke down today and made an appointment with a counselor..I am hoping it would help, I just never thought I'd be here,,,,

    Kathy

    We are survivors
    Kathy,
    I can't believe you went through a similiar experience with your husband. My husband was home, so everytime I go into the bathroom, everything comes back to me. He also was fine all day and at night we watched tv. He ate some yogurt at about 9:30 and went upstairs at 10:00. That's when it happened. He must've started coughing, and then it happened. Very sudden! We had been hopeful cause things looked good when he had gone to the doctor. I hope the counselor helps. I also started seeing one, plus she gave me Zoloft too. It really helps alot. I had been going to see her every 2 weeks & now I go once a month. Let me know how you're doing, okay? Carole
  • TheShyOne22
    TheShyOne22 Member Posts: 5
    #12
    I know this post is old but I

    I know this post is old but I am in the same boat.  My mother passed away 3 weeks ago.  I am already forgetting her and that breaks my heart.  All I can remember is her in the hospital.  I would give anything to hear her voice again.

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #13
    This will pass

    As shared times such as holidays come around, good memories will surface. I'm sure you are still in shock.

    Be gentle with yourself. If this is your first close, personal loss, it will be a learning process.

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