I feel like a terrible person....

Dot53
Dot53 Member Posts: 239 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
My husband and I have a close friend who has terminal colon cancer. Yesterday, I heard that he wasn't doing well so I called his wife to ask. She said that he had decided to forego the chemo and they have called in hospice... I asked if there was anything that we could do for them and she said that it might be nice if we came to visit.. such a simple request right? I began to cry and to her that I couldn't do it. I said that I preferred not to remember him this way. I said that I hoped she understood and would forgive me for being such a coward. She thanked me for my honesty and said that she was glad I told her why I couldn't come because otherwise she would have been sitting there thinking that she had done something to upset me. I guess some of their other friends have made excuses for why they couldn't come to visit and she couldn't figure out what was going on... I offered to take her out for coffee or shopping but she said that he gets upset if she leaves him at all now....

To top it all off another one of our long time friends lost his mom to colon cancer last week at age 52 and we had to go to the wake last night... I am not sure if my reason for not wanting to see my friend was just cancer overload or what... I lost my father and sister to colon cancer so I am just not sure what is going on with me... I am an emotional mess and feel like a terrible friend.. I know that I should go and visit my friends but I don't want to break down and cry in front of them.. they are going through such a difficult time....

Thanks for listening..
Dot

Comments

  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159 Member
    #2
    Sweet Sister~this isn't
    Sweet Sister~this isn't about you being a terrible person at all. It is about fear and sadness. It is also the epitome of what I call Ostrich Therapy~I am a huge fan of being an ostrich, so I know whereof I speak!

    That having been said, as difficult as it may be, I suggest you take your box of kleenex, and go see your friend! You asked what she needed~ she told you, and you opted out. I of course understand that this is not where you want to be! My husband lost one of his best friends only a month ago to this damnable Beast~ being at the hospital with him in and out of awareness, seeing him end-stage was heartbreaking for my husband. Compounded by my sweet husband caring for me with my recurrance after an 8 year remission, the fear-factor was almost more than he could bear. But his friends wife asked if Reggie would please come to the hospital...it was important to them. With tears and fear and truly a loathing of the knowledge that this was going to be a Good-bye, Reggie and I made the emotional journey.
    Was it easy? NO! Was it sad? YES! Was it perhaps one of the most important things we did that day? ABSOLUTELY!

    You also mentioned that others in your circle of friends have not been going to see him~ how lonely and perhaps abandoned his wife is at this point.

    I am in no way negating the losses you have suffered! They are horrific, and this Beast reaches out with long, ugly fingers to tear us up~emotionally and physically. My heart is with you, truly it is. Yet it is also with your friend who needs you now. She will have plenty of time for coffee in the very near future...if she cannot bear to leave her husband alone, and it is in your power to spend even a few minutes with them, please reconsider your posititon. There is nothing wrong with crying~no rules of stiff upper lip need apply.

    I am sure you are NOT a terrible friend or you wouldn't be second guessing yourself or posting ...

    Put the shoe on the other foot, lead with your heart, and be at peace.

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • Dot53
    Dot53 Member Posts: 239 Member
    #3
    chenheart said:

    Sweet Sister~this isn't
    Sweet Sister~this isn't about you being a terrible person at all. It is about fear and sadness. It is also the epitome of what I call Ostrich Therapy~I am a huge fan of being an ostrich, so I know whereof I speak!

    That having been said, as difficult as it may be, I suggest you take your box of kleenex, and go see your friend! You asked what she needed~ she told you, and you opted out. I of course understand that this is not where you want to be! My husband lost one of his best friends only a month ago to this damnable Beast~ being at the hospital with him in and out of awareness, seeing him end-stage was heartbreaking for my husband. Compounded by my sweet husband caring for me with my recurrance after an 8 year remission, the fear-factor was almost more than he could bear. But his friends wife asked if Reggie would please come to the hospital...it was important to them. With tears and fear and truly a loathing of the knowledge that this was going to be a Good-bye, Reggie and I made the emotional journey.
    Was it easy? NO! Was it sad? YES! Was it perhaps one of the most important things we did that day? ABSOLUTELY!

    You also mentioned that others in your circle of friends have not been going to see him~ how lonely and perhaps abandoned his wife is at this point.

    I am in no way negating the losses you have suffered! They are horrific, and this Beast reaches out with long, ugly fingers to tear us up~emotionally and physically. My heart is with you, truly it is. Yet it is also with your friend who needs you now. She will have plenty of time for coffee in the very near future...if she cannot bear to leave her husband alone, and it is in your power to spend even a few minutes with them, please reconsider your posititon. There is nothing wrong with crying~no rules of stiff upper lip need apply.

    I am sure you are NOT a terrible friend or you wouldn't be second guessing yourself or posting ...

    Put the shoe on the other foot, lead with your heart, and be at peace.

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    Chen...
    Thank you...♥
  • Heatherbelle
    Heatherbelle Member Posts: 1,226 Member
    #4
    chenheart said:

    Sweet Sister~this isn't
    Sweet Sister~this isn't about you being a terrible person at all. It is about fear and sadness. It is also the epitome of what I call Ostrich Therapy~I am a huge fan of being an ostrich, so I know whereof I speak!

    That having been said, as difficult as it may be, I suggest you take your box of kleenex, and go see your friend! You asked what she needed~ she told you, and you opted out. I of course understand that this is not where you want to be! My husband lost one of his best friends only a month ago to this damnable Beast~ being at the hospital with him in and out of awareness, seeing him end-stage was heartbreaking for my husband. Compounded by my sweet husband caring for me with my recurrance after an 8 year remission, the fear-factor was almost more than he could bear. But his friends wife asked if Reggie would please come to the hospital...it was important to them. With tears and fear and truly a loathing of the knowledge that this was going to be a Good-bye, Reggie and I made the emotional journey.
    Was it easy? NO! Was it sad? YES! Was it perhaps one of the most important things we did that day? ABSOLUTELY!

    You also mentioned that others in your circle of friends have not been going to see him~ how lonely and perhaps abandoned his wife is at this point.

    I am in no way negating the losses you have suffered! They are horrific, and this Beast reaches out with long, ugly fingers to tear us up~emotionally and physically. My heart is with you, truly it is. Yet it is also with your friend who needs you now. She will have plenty of time for coffee in the very near future...if she cannot bear to leave her husband alone, and it is in your power to spend even a few minutes with them, please reconsider your posititon. There is nothing wrong with crying~no rules of stiff upper lip need apply.

    I am sure you are NOT a terrible friend or you wouldn't be second guessing yourself or posting ...

    Put the shoe on the other foot, lead with your heart, and be at peace.

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    Chen - i so adore you. Your
    Chen - i so adore you. Your strength and insight and encouragement inspire me. What a great reply you posted for Dot.
    Dot - I'm sorry about your friend. How difficult it must be for you. I applaud you for your honesty in your reply to your friend.
    *big hugs, ladies*
    Heather
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159 Member
    #5
    Heatherbelle said:

    Chen - i so adore you. Your
    Chen - i so adore you. Your strength and insight and encouragement inspire me. What a great reply you posted for Dot.
    Dot - I'm sorry about your friend. How difficult it must be for you. I applaud you for your honesty in your reply to your friend.
    *big hugs, ladies*
    Heather

    Which reminds me! I am going
    Which reminds me! I am going to PM you Heatherbelle to get your mom's mailing address! I have been out of town and without my computer for the past 5 , and have been trying (unsuccessfully!) to read all the posts I have missed! But I did see yours and I would love to write to your mom!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • SamuraiMom
    SamuraiMom Member Posts: 295
    #6
    xxoo
    Dot,

    Hang in there. Do what's best for you. Just listen to your heart.

    xxoo,
    SamuraiMom
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159 Member
    #7
    Dot53 said:

    Chen...
    Thank you...♥

    You are welcome....
    You are welcome....♥ We truly do "get it" in here~ I am glad you put your heart out, and that you (hopefully) were not insulted by what I said.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159 Member
    #8
    I am going to tread lightly
    I am going to tread lightly here~ trust me, I am NOT proseletyzing or advocating anything! I do not assume to know anything about your spiritual leanings. As you know nothing about mine. But....many on these boards are church-goers, Bible readers, and have a strong faith-based approach to life.
    In case you are one of those, it occurred to me that the scriptures say that Jesus cried when he lost his good friend in death. Many faiths, icluding the non-Christian ones often acknowledge Jesus as a powerful leader, a prophet and one endowed with power. Including raising the dead. And yet~ he too cried!

    Just a thought~ you said that you didn't want your friend to see you cry. I dare say, you are in good company even if you do.

    Chen♥
  • Ritzy
    Ritzy Member Posts: 4,381 Member
    #9
    chenheart said:

    I am going to tread lightly
    I am going to tread lightly here~ trust me, I am NOT proseletyzing or advocating anything! I do not assume to know anything about your spiritual leanings. As you know nothing about mine. But....many on these boards are church-goers, Bible readers, and have a strong faith-based approach to life.
    In case you are one of those, it occurred to me that the scriptures say that Jesus cried when he lost his good friend in death. Many faiths, icluding the non-Christian ones often acknowledge Jesus as a powerful leader, a prophet and one endowed with power. Including raising the dead. And yet~ he too cried!

    Just a thought~ you said that you didn't want your friend to see you cry. I dare say, you are in good company even if you do.

    Chen♥

    Dot, you are doing what is
    Dot, you are doing what is best for you. I know it may seem strange at times to others, but, unless someone has walked in our shoes, there is no way they can understand.

    We have to allow ourselves to be human, to have feelings, to sometimes put ourselves first. There is certainly nothing selfish in this, it is just helping ourselves to get thru each and every day.

    You love your friend and she loves you. That will never change. I am sure she understands, and, if she doesn't now, she will someday.

    You do what you feel you can do.


    I will put your friend and her husband in my prayers.


    Please take care of yourself,


    Sue :)
  • Dot53
    Dot53 Member Posts: 239 Member
    #10
    chenheart said:

    You are welcome....
    You are welcome....♥ We truly do "get it" in here~ I am glad you put your heart out, and that you (hopefully) were not insulted by what I said.

    Chen
    Not insulted at all.. in fact it was just what I needed to hear... once I calmed down I called my friend to schedule a visit. It's not going to be easy I know but I don't want to regret missing this last opportunity to spend time with both of them. Thank you for always knowing exactly the right thing to say...

    Dot
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159 Member
    #11
    Dot53 said:

    Chen
    Not insulted at all.. in fact it was just what I needed to hear... once I calmed down I called my friend to schedule a visit. It's not going to be easy I know but I don't want to regret missing this last opportunity to spend time with both of them. Thank you for always knowing exactly the right thing to say...

    Dot

    May I just say sight unseen
    May I just say sight unseen that I love you? We are indeed a strong sisterhood, making difficult decisions and literally, when we put our heads on our pillows at night, knowing that we sleep with clean and clear consciences. Coupled with a caring heart, there truly isn't much better in life.

    Feel free to give your friends a loving embrace from (if I may be so bold) the community of Kindred Spirits here at CSN. We really are in this together.

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • Dot53
    Dot53 Member Posts: 239 Member
    #12
    Ritzy said:

    Dot, you are doing what is
    Dot, you are doing what is best for you. I know it may seem strange at times to others, but, unless someone has walked in our shoes, there is no way they can understand.

    We have to allow ourselves to be human, to have feelings, to sometimes put ourselves first. There is certainly nothing selfish in this, it is just helping ourselves to get thru each and every day.

    You love your friend and she loves you. That will never change. I am sure she understands, and, if she doesn't now, she will someday.

    You do what you feel you can do.


    I will put your friend and her husband in my prayers.


    Please take care of yourself,


    Sue :)

    Thank you sweet sisters for
    Thank you sweet sisters for kind words and understanding.. I hate to think that I was being selfish when I should have been compassionate. I am always driven by fear and I wish I wasn't.

    I will keep you posted on our visit.

    Sue, thank you for your prayers. They are much needed.

    Kindest regards,
    Dot
  • Jennifer1961
    Jennifer1961 Member Posts: 137
    #13
    You are not a terrible person
    You are doing what your heart is telling you. I have not had this situation, however I had several family members die (various reasons) when I was a young adult (18 to 25). After that I have avoided going to funerals. I usually find another way to help out.

    I think you're right about not wanting to breakdown in front of them. I've had a difficult time when my loved ones start crying over my illness. It really hits me hard. Perhaps you can find another way to let them know you care? Sending a care package over (food, books, dvds). Just make sure you check with his wife before hand. You don't want to send something that might upset one or both of them. You never know what this can be. I once sent flowers to someone in late stage bc. I later learned she didn't want flowers because they reminded her of funerals. I hope this helps. If it doesn't please know that my heart is in the right place. Take care.
  • filimu
    filimu Member Posts: 74
    #14
    Jennifer1961 said:

    You are not a terrible person
    You are doing what your heart is telling you. I have not had this situation, however I had several family members die (various reasons) when I was a young adult (18 to 25). After that I have avoided going to funerals. I usually find another way to help out.

    I think you're right about not wanting to breakdown in front of them. I've had a difficult time when my loved ones start crying over my illness. It really hits me hard. Perhaps you can find another way to let them know you care? Sending a care package over (food, books, dvds). Just make sure you check with his wife before hand. You don't want to send something that might upset one or both of them. You never know what this can be. I once sent flowers to someone in late stage bc. I later learned she didn't want flowers because they reminded her of funerals. I hope this helps. If it doesn't please know that my heart is in the right place. Take care.

    Dot,
    Please follow your heart, and you will find the right thing for both you and your friends. When my husband was dying, he found his friends were also uneasy as to how to act around him. Some found it hard to acknowledge it, while he was still able to be "out and about" but was very ill, and would act as though nothing was wrong...many just quit seeing us at all. When he was finally not able to get out, many called, but few visited, and when he was hospitalized, I was called frequently for updates, but I saw only one person during that whole episode. I know they cared, they just had no idea what to do for us, or what to say. It's not important what you say, just that you're there for them as a friend.
  • mwallace1325
    mwallace1325 Member Posts: 806
    #15
    Wow
    No one could have said it better than Chen. Chen you are an amazing person to be so perceptive and have the words when they are needed. Dot, as difficult as this will be, I believe you will feel better for having done it and your friend will feel so much better having you there.

    marge
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #16
    mwallace1325 said:

    Wow
    No one could have said it better than Chen. Chen you are an amazing person to be so perceptive and have the words when they are needed. Dot, as difficult as this will be, I believe you will feel better for having done it and your friend will feel so much better having you there.

    marge

    I had a good friend who
    I had a good friend who ended up dying from sarcoma. I did go to see her and was advised not to because of my previous bout with cancer. But I did it and am so glad I did. We had a couple of great talks before she was too out of it. It did upset me and I left the room crying more than once, nobody cared, they were just glad I was there. You are going to feel pain whether you go or not. but you may be more at peace if you go.
  • sea60
    sea60 Member Posts: 2,613
    #17
    mwallace1325 said:

    Wow
    No one could have said it better than Chen. Chen you are an amazing person to be so perceptive and have the words when they are needed. Dot, as difficult as this will be, I believe you will feel better for having done it and your friend will feel so much better having you there.

    marge

    Cry with your friend
    Don't hide tears with her. I feel it would be theraputic for you both. Maybe she needs to cry WITH someone. There is nothing wrong with crying, especially during a time like this.

    God Bless,

    Sylvia

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