When this is over, will I ever be okay?

Ronda22
Ronda22 Member Posts: 10
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My mom was diagnosed with OC two and half years ago. She has defied all odds again and again, but I can not tell the cost on her, my sisters and me. She is scared of dying and has made it clear she will fight until the last breath - no DNR and we are NEVER to "pull the plug" no matter what. She has been completely bed bound for over four months - she requires pretty much round-the-clock care, my sister changes her diapers, she is always uncomfortable, our families are barely hanging on, and......we start a new round of radiation tomorrow. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the extra time (how I prayed for it!!) but my mom is not my mom anymore. She doesn't read or even watch TV any more; she dozes, and stares. There was a brief period of decent life quality about 9 months after her initial surgery, but since then it has been all hospitals and doctors, sickness and treatment. If there was a chance all of this would return her to us, we'd keep at it with a vengeance - well, actually after 30 months, we still are. She was a wonderfully nurturing single mother - she deserves to have her wishes carried out, but I have given up just about everything to take care of her. When this battle is over, I will be divorced, nearly broke, unemployed, overweight,I won't own a home, or have many friends left. My mom may not be my mom, but I am also no longer myself. I wonder -and usually doubt- that I ever will be again. How despicable that one disease can swallow so many lives.

Comments

  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #2
    So sorry
    Rhonda, I am so sorry I would not wish this upon my child. Nor my husband. He had cancer and I want him to fight it . I persoanlly have a DNR for me. But he does not.
    I think you are to hard on your self and that is taking a toll on you. Does she or can she have Hospic?
    I wish I could say the right things to make you feel better but I am not sure there is any right words. You love your mother , and she said she would fight this to the end. Maybe that is the answer, when she stops being your mother. I can not ssay what to do I really want to but am struggling to find a answer for you. You need to find a way to regain your life. I know that your mom did not entend it to be this way. It is so hard to tell someone to let go, but if she does not know you ? Maybe she has already given up,
    I brag you do something to help your self cause as a mother I would not want my child to suffer this way. I am sure she did not think it would be like this.

    Sorry
    JEnnie
  • webozo
    webozo Member Posts: 82 Member
    #3
    do not beat yourself up for
    do not beat yourself up for having these feelings it is a toll on everyone around this battle called cancer. you are right about it being all consuming. you are tired you are lonely you scared. and all of this is normal. i pray that this is the hardest thing you will ever have to do in your life. you will get your life back it will never be the same but you will find yourself.
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #4
    I know how you feel
    Ronda, I know how you feel, and I've only been at this for 19 months! I've gained nearly 20 pounds and I can see the accellerated aging in my face. Even Mom has commented on it, but strangely enough, she didn't seem aware that her illness was taking a heavy toll on the family until her recurrence. Now she is vaguely aware of it.

    But you know, I think both of us will be fine after a while, and certainly more at peace with our souls for doing the only thing we could do, which was to sacrifice ourselves for a period of time.

    As a self-employed person I've lost a lot of income (no work, no pay), but I've also discovered that countless people out there in the working world have been through this, and have a great respect for family caregivers. When you're ready to go back to work, add it to your resume! When this is over, opportunities you can't imagine now will open up to you.
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #5
    Barbara53 said:

    I know how you feel
    Ronda, I know how you feel, and I've only been at this for 19 months! I've gained nearly 20 pounds and I can see the accellerated aging in my face. Even Mom has commented on it, but strangely enough, she didn't seem aware that her illness was taking a heavy toll on the family until her recurrence. Now she is vaguely aware of it.

    But you know, I think both of us will be fine after a while, and certainly more at peace with our souls for doing the only thing we could do, which was to sacrifice ourselves for a period of time.

    As a self-employed person I've lost a lot of income (no work, no pay), but I've also discovered that countless people out there in the working world have been through this, and have a great respect for family caregivers. When you're ready to go back to work, add it to your resume! When this is over, opportunities you can't imagine now will open up to you.

    the disease is just that
    Cancer is a hungry, life-eating machine and it doesn't stop at the life of the patient. As much as I am glad my husband has the chance to fight (and beat) his particular cancer, I know 50 years ago he would not have endured, nor would his family, the turmoil and worry and fear of a diagnosis, the fight, the win, the chance of recurrence...it goes on and on. His type of cancer is known for recurring with lethality. I am already worrying about whether he will decide to fight it a second time or not - or even be given that option. I can't even find the peace of mind to just worry about today. And so it goes.

    At some point, terminally-ill cancer patients usually look around at their life and the lives of their loved ones and call a halt to a fight that cannot be won, both for their own sake and the sake of their families.

    It sounds like your loved ones may have gotten past the point of being able to draw that line. Or maybe the recurrence is manageable and it will just take time to resolve, in some cases.

    I am sorry you are going through this - but you should know you are not alone. Plenty of people on this site can empathize with you.
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    #6
    Noellesmom said:

    the disease is just that
    Cancer is a hungry, life-eating machine and it doesn't stop at the life of the patient. As much as I am glad my husband has the chance to fight (and beat) his particular cancer, I know 50 years ago he would not have endured, nor would his family, the turmoil and worry and fear of a diagnosis, the fight, the win, the chance of recurrence...it goes on and on. His type of cancer is known for recurring with lethality. I am already worrying about whether he will decide to fight it a second time or not - or even be given that option. I can't even find the peace of mind to just worry about today. And so it goes.

    At some point, terminally-ill cancer patients usually look around at their life and the lives of their loved ones and call a halt to a fight that cannot be won, both for their own sake and the sake of their families.

    It sounds like your loved ones may have gotten past the point of being able to draw that line. Or maybe the recurrence is manageable and it will just take time to resolve, in some cases.

    I am sorry you are going through this - but you should know you are not alone. Plenty of people on this site can empathize with you.

    So sorry....
    that you are going through this. I don't have much to offer as I am brain dead today, but I think if I had to answer the question about myself it would be, "I think so"....

    ((Hugs))
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
    #7
    Noellesmom said:

    the disease is just that
    Cancer is a hungry, life-eating machine and it doesn't stop at the life of the patient. As much as I am glad my husband has the chance to fight (and beat) his particular cancer, I know 50 years ago he would not have endured, nor would his family, the turmoil and worry and fear of a diagnosis, the fight, the win, the chance of recurrence...it goes on and on. His type of cancer is known for recurring with lethality. I am already worrying about whether he will decide to fight it a second time or not - or even be given that option. I can't even find the peace of mind to just worry about today. And so it goes.

    At some point, terminally-ill cancer patients usually look around at their life and the lives of their loved ones and call a halt to a fight that cannot be won, both for their own sake and the sake of their families.

    It sounds like your loved ones may have gotten past the point of being able to draw that line. Or maybe the recurrence is manageable and it will just take time to resolve, in some cases.

    I am sorry you are going through this - but you should know you are not alone. Plenty of people on this site can empathize with you.

    "Cancer is a hungry, life-eating machine and it doesn't stop at the life of the patient."

    Wow. You put your finger right on it. There's nothing more I can say about how my mom's cancer, and now my husbands cancer has affected my life and that of my family.
  • PattyNC
    PattyNC Member Posts: 65
    #8
    Pennymac02 said:

    "Cancer is a hungry, life-eating machine and it doesn't stop at the life of the patient."

    Wow. You put your finger right on it. There's nothing more I can say about how my mom's cancer, and now my husbands cancer has affected my life and that of my family.

    Cancer spreads like an infectious disease
    Wonder if c might qualify to be reclassified. Because once it hits your family, it quickly infects the minds, hearts & dreams of the patient's relatives, close friends, co-workers, etc. Spreads depression, anxiety, insomnia, guilt, etc, and keeps on mutiplying. It truly is a beast that attacks on all fronts. We just have to continually fight back .. and this site pumps us up daily, to face the battle anew.
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #9
    PattyNC said:

    Cancer spreads like an infectious disease
    Wonder if c might qualify to be reclassified. Because once it hits your family, it quickly infects the minds, hearts & dreams of the patient's relatives, close friends, co-workers, etc. Spreads depression, anxiety, insomnia, guilt, etc, and keeps on mutiplying. It truly is a beast that attacks on all fronts. We just have to continually fight back .. and this site pumps us up daily, to face the battle anew.

    Agree
    Perhaps the mental health folks need to make sure there is some code that covers the mental health issues stemming from cancer - make a new entry in their DSM Manual.

    Or, just maybe, it would be covered under anxiety attacks, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, etc. Cancer certainly has the ability to cause all of these in the patient and in their families and loved ones.

    Exactly why this website exists - so we can come and get rid of whatever load we are carrying that day :) Kind of a "toxic dumping site"...HA!

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