I feel tired and alone
I kiss him, I hold him, I tell him how much I love him. I tell him he is a warrior and my knight in shining armor. I cook, I clean, I mow the yard. I ask him how he feels, how he is doing each and everyday. I pray for his survival, I pray for a miracle, while he tells all that "we" are praying. And still the t.v. gets most of his attention. I write him notes of love and encouragement, he will mostly write if I write first.
Oh, he tells all that I am his angel, and that he is fighting the cancer for me. He does thank me often. I've told him that the gratitude means alot, but I too, need love, affection, attention, prayer.
Yes, we both see the same therapist. She has suggested to him ways of working on showing me the things I so desire from him. And for a few days, he does, but then the comfort level kicks in, and it's back to the same.
I've even been keeping an open journal to share my happiness and sadness with him. Lately, even with all of this, it seems that the wall is bigger and thicker! Hours can pass, and if I don't say anything, no communication. If I don't kiss him or brush my hand on his face lovingly, no affection towards me.
Here's my question: People say that when they get news such as this, that it changes their lives. That they stop and smell the roses, they tell others that they love them, they don't let a day pass without making the most of it. They appreciate life so much deeper. I wonder why my husband is letting the gift of life and my love and devotion to him just pass by, as if it were just another day. Doesn't he appreciate the gift from God of another day? Some mornings he just barely says good morning, no hug, no kiss, and then just makes small talk throughout the day. I pray he sees the "light" before it's too late. None of us know when our last day is. I could go before him. Would he miss me?
I know that cancer can take away some of the joys of life, if you let it. But he has been so blessed not to have suffered side-effects during chemo, he has no pain. Fatigue is all he complains about. I encourage him to rest, to nap. Even after he has rested, he seems not to want to join in life with me.
I love him with all my heart and soul, and pray for a miracle for him. It just hurts not to get some of that back, occasionally.
Comments
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my thought only
I think you sum up what most of us feel, While people saay they are making the most of the days they are living in fear too, but just don't can't or wont say it.
If I set down to write what was happening or I was doing it would look like yours, I mow, cook, clean bring him what ever he ask. I do it out of love.
I also know he is scared and confused and as much as he wants to live somewhere inside he thinks he is and will die. Men show it differently than women. We are by rights care takers we always have been , With our children or families we are the backbone. Men are providers that is what they do did and done always. I know modern times but still inside us we do basicly the same things we have always done for hundreds of years,
I know my husband does not kiss me a peck if I am lucky and hug as he walks by , a pat on the backside if he is happy. He worries and ffears , but if you asked him he will say we are living doing things we always done or making plans for vacations we will never take .
I know that my husband truely loves me and I am happy in that fact. I think we are so worried we look and look for answers , we tell them we found this or that, they get so bogged down in all this it adds more to their fear than helps .
Don't think everything you read about other people is 100% true. Maybe a far but most are just like us . Worried and scared but afraid to say it.
Jennie0 -
Thank you Jenniezinniemay said:my thought only
I think you sum up what most of us feel, While people saay they are making the most of the days they are living in fear too, but just don't can't or wont say it.
If I set down to write what was happening or I was doing it would look like yours, I mow, cook, clean bring him what ever he ask. I do it out of love.
I also know he is scared and confused and as much as he wants to live somewhere inside he thinks he is and will die. Men show it differently than women. We are by rights care takers we always have been , With our children or families we are the backbone. Men are providers that is what they do did and done always. I know modern times but still inside us we do basicly the same things we have always done for hundreds of years,
I know my husband does not kiss me a peck if I am lucky and hug as he walks by , a pat on the backside if he is happy. He worries and ffears , but if you asked him he will say we are living doing things we always done or making plans for vacations we will never take .
I know that my husband truely loves me and I am happy in that fact. I think we are so worried we look and look for answers , we tell them we found this or that, they get so bogged down in all this it adds more to their fear than helps .
Don't think everything you read about other people is 100% true. Maybe a far but most are just like us . Worried and scared but afraid to say it.
Jennie
Thank you for the words of wisdom as well as the support. I am blessed to have this place to come to and express myself. I don't know that family and friends could understand as well. I will get up tomorrow and pray for our relationship.
God bless you,
Lucy0 -
Lucyluz del lago said:Thank you Jennie
Thank you for the words of wisdom as well as the support. I am blessed to have this place to come to and express myself. I don't know that family and friends could understand as well. I will get up tomorrow and pray for our relationship.
God bless you,
Lucy
As alone as you feel , You are not alone at all, I feel this way too. I know others can tell you they too have these feeling. Somehow we want to paint a picture of Roses while all see see is the thorns. They are ever present and hurt. The smell of the rose is so sweet but the trons make us bleed.
Sd to say I find comfort in knowing that others have these feeling altho some do not express them for fear of seming they do not care, I know they do and as they read these they cry and shake their head yes and think Oh god thee is someone out there that feels that way too.
We are at our weakest point in this. And Some fear letting their guard down . Some are to honest making it seam that they don't have problems or any bad going on. They want like me to run and hide so maybe cancer will just leave , or they will be spaired.
I am not sure If I help or hurt all I know is how I feel and how alone I am . How all my life I have took care of my family and to know this is not something I can fix with a band aide or a kiss for a booboo.
It is the story of our lifes being played out as if it was a mivie but we can't turn it off or say Oh poor thing.
I think you know he does love you and you love him . Hold these thoughts in your mind and heart. Let the rest go. I have never wondered if my husband loves me I know he does. I just miss the little sweet moments we use to have. but I know if he would he would in a heart beat do anything for me. He is my hero from the day we met.
So just love him and know he loves you. When you feel down think of things that you did when you both were happy.
Sorry it is not what you may need to hear. But love is endless .0 -
Living with cancerzinniemay said:Lucy
As alone as you feel , You are not alone at all, I feel this way too. I know others can tell you they too have these feeling. Somehow we want to paint a picture of Roses while all see see is the thorns. They are ever present and hurt. The smell of the rose is so sweet but the trons make us bleed.
Sd to say I find comfort in knowing that others have these feeling altho some do not express them for fear of seming they do not care, I know they do and as they read these they cry and shake their head yes and think Oh god thee is someone out there that feels that way too.
We are at our weakest point in this. And Some fear letting their guard down . Some are to honest making it seam that they don't have problems or any bad going on. They want like me to run and hide so maybe cancer will just leave , or they will be spaired.
I am not sure If I help or hurt all I know is how I feel and how alone I am . How all my life I have took care of my family and to know this is not something I can fix with a band aide or a kiss for a booboo.
It is the story of our lifes being played out as if it was a mivie but we can't turn it off or say Oh poor thing.
I think you know he does love you and you love him . Hold these thoughts in your mind and heart. Let the rest go. I have never wondered if my husband loves me I know he does. I just miss the little sweet moments we use to have. but I know if he would he would in a heart beat do anything for me. He is my hero from the day we met.
So just love him and know he loves you. When you feel down think of things that you did when you both were happy.
Sorry it is not what you may need to hear. But love is endless .
There goes Zinnie, again, being the poet with her accurate description of roses and thorns and living and cancer. She is absolutely right. And she is right that you are not alone and if that makes you feel better, good, because it should.
Lucy, I have had the experience of having many loved ones die of cancer. Some of those chose to really live after their diagnosis, some crawled in their beds never to get out but most lived in a state of suspension, never saying the words, fearing every pain was the cancer coming to get them. And their families and friends collectively watched the outcome of a cancer diagnosis change the person in some profound way.
Your husband is still your husband - he sounds terrified to me. Afraid to show the love he has because he knows it may end sooner rather than later. Afraid to acknowledge how much he needs and loves and appreciates every little thing you do because that would be an expression of weakness and dependency - and so many men have bought into the myth that it is weak to be dependent.
I don't see you doing things to take care of yourself - are you meeting with friends and family? Do you have some time for even a bubble bath in your own home? You cannot keep on taking care of him at this pace if you don't get yourself some fresh air - and by that I mean for you to be around people who are life-giving - and we all know those people in our lives so look for them and spend time with them.
The time may come when you CANNOT leave his side because his end may be near: you need to ready yourself for that final battle and not use yourself up now. At the end of the day, whether your husband beats this cancer or not, you still have to take care of yourself. And he would want you to. We all want you to.0 -
You Are Not Alone
Dear Lucy,
These women are finely intune with your feelings and what is happening with your husband. The advise is good and it would be wise to develop a relaltionship with the group here when you are down and need help.
Denial is a powerful beast and it rides the back of anyone with any life threatening disease. As caregivers all we can see is the loss of our soul mate someday where they on the other hand fear the loss of their very own beating heart. Fear can rule the house if you let it, breath Lucy... don't push. He knows you are there. Men and women do communicate differently and when confronted with this kind of life issue it's bound to magnify, that "mars/venus" thing, you know?
Please do take care of yourself, he will end up more stressed if you are overly worried.
Deb
lovingwife of Bob, stage 3c melanoma0 -
Understandlovingwifedeb said:You Are Not Alone
Dear Lucy,
These women are finely intune with your feelings and what is happening with your husband. The advise is good and it would be wise to develop a relaltionship with the group here when you are down and need help.
Denial is a powerful beast and it rides the back of anyone with any life threatening disease. As caregivers all we can see is the loss of our soul mate someday where they on the other hand fear the loss of their very own beating heart. Fear can rule the house if you let it, breath Lucy... don't push. He knows you are there. Men and women do communicate differently and when confronted with this kind of life issue it's bound to magnify, that "mars/venus" thing, you know?
Please do take care of yourself, he will end up more stressed if you are overly worried.
Deb
lovingwife of Bob, stage 3c melanoma
I understand the frustration, it's so hard to see them struggling with their concerns and fears.
At our house, my husband has always been the positive, optimistic person who lifts us all up. I am usually the more pessimistic one. We've both had to change our attitudes a bit through this ordeal.
I'm lucky, in that my husband is either very positive, or very realistic, but not usually negative. Realistic I can handle and is more in line with my way of thinking. He is not an affectionate person and like others, I am lucky to get a pat on the back, etc.
Hang in there.0 -
Fearlovingwifedeb said:You Are Not Alone
Dear Lucy,
These women are finely intune with your feelings and what is happening with your husband. The advise is good and it would be wise to develop a relaltionship with the group here when you are down and need help.
Denial is a powerful beast and it rides the back of anyone with any life threatening disease. As caregivers all we can see is the loss of our soul mate someday where they on the other hand fear the loss of their very own beating heart. Fear can rule the house if you let it, breath Lucy... don't push. He knows you are there. Men and women do communicate differently and when confronted with this kind of life issue it's bound to magnify, that "mars/venus" thing, you know?
Please do take care of yourself, he will end up more stressed if you are overly worried.
Deb
lovingwife of Bob, stage 3c melanoma
I agree, Deb: fear can definitely rule the house if you let it.
You have to decide to have the cancer, not let it have you.
It's a tough step to take, but necessary to beating it, I think, on all fronts.0 -
TodayNoellesmom said:Fear
I agree, Deb: fear can definitely rule the house if you let it.
You have to decide to have the cancer, not let it have you.
It's a tough step to take, but necessary to beating it, I think, on all fronts.
Thank you all so very much for the comfort and wise words. Today, for the first time in six months, I took care of myself. My husband was doing quite well, so I went and had my hair done(color), those grays and roots were awful! That was after waking up, having a bite of breakfast (which I seldom do), and doing 2 miles on the treadmill!! My goodness, the energy I had, I could have gone further had I not had to shower for my appointment! Oh, I also remembered to take my vitamins and calcium. I'm always worried that he has had his meds and don't remember to take mine.
I stopped and had lunch, no hurry, no hospital food. Yum!! Love my hair, she did it a warm golden color with just a bit of hi-lites and then gave me a nice bag of products, my lucky day! Afterwards, I stopped at Bath and Body and bought my favorite aromatherapy scent collection, vanilla jasmin.
I just wanted to share this with you all. Your words gave me much to think about. Today, I made a special day for me. I don't know when I'll get to do it again, but I know now, how important it is to be a caregiver to me, along with being one for my husband.
Thanks once more, and may you all have a special day for yourselves soon.
God Bless,
Lucy0 -
Hooray! Go Lucy!luz del lago said:Today
Thank you all so very much for the comfort and wise words. Today, for the first time in six months, I took care of myself. My husband was doing quite well, so I went and had my hair done(color), those grays and roots were awful! That was after waking up, having a bite of breakfast (which I seldom do), and doing 2 miles on the treadmill!! My goodness, the energy I had, I could have gone further had I not had to shower for my appointment! Oh, I also remembered to take my vitamins and calcium. I'm always worried that he has had his meds and don't remember to take mine.
I stopped and had lunch, no hurry, no hospital food. Yum!! Love my hair, she did it a warm golden color with just a bit of hi-lites and then gave me a nice bag of products, my lucky day! Afterwards, I stopped at Bath and Body and bought my favorite aromatherapy scent collection, vanilla jasmin.
I just wanted to share this with you all. Your words gave me much to think about. Today, I made a special day for me. I don't know when I'll get to do it again, but I know now, how important it is to be a caregiver to me, along with being one for my husband.
Thanks once more, and may you all have a special day for yourselves soon.
God Bless,
Lucy
Sounds like a wonderful day and I am so proud and happy for you!
Congratulations!0 -
I Can See Your Smile From Hereluz del lago said:Today
Thank you all so very much for the comfort and wise words. Today, for the first time in six months, I took care of myself. My husband was doing quite well, so I went and had my hair done(color), those grays and roots were awful! That was after waking up, having a bite of breakfast (which I seldom do), and doing 2 miles on the treadmill!! My goodness, the energy I had, I could have gone further had I not had to shower for my appointment! Oh, I also remembered to take my vitamins and calcium. I'm always worried that he has had his meds and don't remember to take mine.
I stopped and had lunch, no hurry, no hospital food. Yum!! Love my hair, she did it a warm golden color with just a bit of hi-lites and then gave me a nice bag of products, my lucky day! Afterwards, I stopped at Bath and Body and bought my favorite aromatherapy scent collection, vanilla jasmin.
I just wanted to share this with you all. Your words gave me much to think about. Today, I made a special day for me. I don't know when I'll get to do it again, but I know now, how important it is to be a caregiver to me, along with being one for my husband.
Thanks once more, and may you all have a special day for yourselves soon.
God Bless,
Lucy
Dear Lucy,
Good job Lucy... a day to pamper yourself is good for your soul, makes you regroup. I know this is a short term solution but if you can find one thing everyday just for you, then each day will be a little lighter for you. So on the days when your husband is grumpy or sad and the attention is not on you, your heart will be lighter and will be able to manage around it.
This may be off subject but I went to see a school counselor one time when I was a single parent of my daughter when she was around 6, I think. She had caused some trouble in the classroom which I won't get into here but I will never forget this counselor's words. He told me that as long as I was happy that my daughter would be happy. And the reason I bring this up is that I think this works with most people that are around us in our lives. We become like mirrors to people who are close to us, if they see us happy they will be happy. If they see us frustrated, angry, upset, they become that way.
So I hope you keep up the good work for yourself, pamper yourself. We love our husbands with all our heart and only want the best for them? We need to stay healthy for that job, love takes lots of energy and it's good to keep it flowing outward.
Take care
Deb
lovingwife to Bob, stage 3c0 -
Like a mirror
Its strange how you have consolidated and written down the thoughts & feelings I experience! The experience must be the same for many of us. I would love my husband to love life. Doom & gloom. No smiles. He was never the most communicative person, never the most positive, but we are now on the dark side. Stage 4 non small cell lung canger metz to the lymph & bone diagnosis was in April, 2010. I was talking to a woman at the Support Group last night who had been diagnosed 5 - 6 years ago. She said she was in that place and it took months to get out of it. But we didn't have time to really talk at length.
I pray for all of us to have strength and to find comfort in not being alone. And to know we are doing the right things.0 -
If we go therenyogus1 said:Like a mirror
Its strange how you have consolidated and written down the thoughts & feelings I experience! The experience must be the same for many of us. I would love my husband to love life. Doom & gloom. No smiles. He was never the most communicative person, never the most positive, but we are now on the dark side. Stage 4 non small cell lung canger metz to the lymph & bone diagnosis was in April, 2010. I was talking to a woman at the Support Group last night who had been diagnosed 5 - 6 years ago. She said she was in that place and it took months to get out of it. But we didn't have time to really talk at length.
I pray for all of us to have strength and to find comfort in not being alone. And to know we are doing the right things.
Oh I think We all do go to that dark place more times than not. I am trying very hard not to go there or let my husband go there. I know there will be days that will drive us to the edge but I am trying so hard to hold on to the positive things. I know cancer is not a blessing, but this site is. can you see all the people who could have helped? I see them so clear scared afraid to talk to anyone about what is going on in their head for fear they may sound mean or cruel or like they don't care.
I think you all have not slapped me but like let me slap myself and say hey what do you think you are doing! Life has not stopped , one day it may but today life is right here, grab it while you can, don't worry about tomorrow until it is today!
Thanks all of you for bringing me back from the "Dark side" A place no one should go.0 -
Thanksluz del lago said:Today
Thank you all so very much for the comfort and wise words. Today, for the first time in six months, I took care of myself. My husband was doing quite well, so I went and had my hair done(color), those grays and roots were awful! That was after waking up, having a bite of breakfast (which I seldom do), and doing 2 miles on the treadmill!! My goodness, the energy I had, I could have gone further had I not had to shower for my appointment! Oh, I also remembered to take my vitamins and calcium. I'm always worried that he has had his meds and don't remember to take mine.
I stopped and had lunch, no hurry, no hospital food. Yum!! Love my hair, she did it a warm golden color with just a bit of hi-lites and then gave me a nice bag of products, my lucky day! Afterwards, I stopped at Bath and Body and bought my favorite aromatherapy scent collection, vanilla jasmin.
I just wanted to share this with you all. Your words gave me much to think about. Today, I made a special day for me. I don't know when I'll get to do it again, but I know now, how important it is to be a caregiver to me, along with being one for my husband.
Thanks once more, and may you all have a special day for yourselves soon.
God Bless,
Lucy
You know its good to hear I am not the only one feeling this way. My husband does very similiar things and I know its hard for him. Of course luckily I have my 8 month old son who gives me those hugs & kisses I want. Of course caring for them both is very unlucky of me. But again its nice as it does give him something to really fight for as he wants to see his son grow up.
I don't know if my age plays a role in all of this, I am only 36. But I did start running again and it has been wonderful. Also I have to go to work there is no alternative since my husband is not working. And my co-workers, family and friends make sure I do get to enjoy those moments. With the running as well it allows my husband to cheer for me too.
So hang in there...one day he will be able to care for you and then he gets to worry. That is my hope for me that my husband will get to pay me back one day!
Good Luck and remember small moments..take them they are so necessary.0 -
I feel the same
My dad was given 6 months to live back in June. I've been with him since. He doesn't emote, but then again he never did. He's a very hard man with exacting standards. All my life short comings and errors were pointed out not successes or achievements. I've had daily put downs and it wears on the soul. I'm not just his caregiver, I'm also a cancer survivor. I've also been the end of life caregiver for another relative and my dad's behavior, while I intellectually understand, leaves me drained and on the verge of tears. My sibs are miles away and unable to care for him and in truth, they've endured as much or worse from him over the years. What stuns me is that one of my sibs stated to me that I have the benefit of having my dad with me daily and that I'll get to hear kind words from him when he passes and that they don't call out of fear my dad will say something upsetting to them.
There haven't been any "Lifetime movie moments" and I really don't think there will be, not that I love him any less. What there is is exhaustion, nightmares, sadness and I'm so isolated. In three months I've been away from him for less than 10 hours. I'm losing my health insurance, my job and at times my joy for life. Worst part is, my dad doesn't seem to understand, accept or know that he was given only 6 months to live and I can't tell him that. It would destroy him. So I hear, see and deal with his denial daily and it's slowly killing me.0 -
Wish I could helpKinzieK said:I feel the same
My dad was given 6 months to live back in June. I've been with him since. He doesn't emote, but then again he never did. He's a very hard man with exacting standards. All my life short comings and errors were pointed out not successes or achievements. I've had daily put downs and it wears on the soul. I'm not just his caregiver, I'm also a cancer survivor. I've also been the end of life caregiver for another relative and my dad's behavior, while I intellectually understand, leaves me drained and on the verge of tears. My sibs are miles away and unable to care for him and in truth, they've endured as much or worse from him over the years. What stuns me is that one of my sibs stated to me that I have the benefit of having my dad with me daily and that I'll get to hear kind words from him when he passes and that they don't call out of fear my dad will say something upsetting to them.
There haven't been any "Lifetime movie moments" and I really don't think there will be, not that I love him any less. What there is is exhaustion, nightmares, sadness and I'm so isolated. In three months I've been away from him for less than 10 hours. I'm losing my health insurance, my job and at times my joy for life. Worst part is, my dad doesn't seem to understand, accept or know that he was given only 6 months to live and I can't tell him that. It would destroy him. So I hear, see and deal with his denial daily and it's slowly killing me.
I fisrt need to say I love my husband, he is not a easy man to get along with, You really have to know his childhood to understand him. I am sure our kids think the same as you do, He always brangs up things like paying their bills (really hard to explain) but in ways it is like they are not adult enough at 29 and 32 to do this. The scoot around the truth rather thanto face the fact and just tell him what is going on.
But I know that in his own way he is expressing his love for them , It does not come out that way, sometimes I think it sound like he belittles them , But that is not what he means. They don't know manythings that their father suffered ,as a kid unwanted. His mother died when he was 9 , he and his brother were Dropped off at their uncles house cause their "Daddy dearest sid he could not do it" Their baby sister ripped from them to live with their oldest sister. Greg's brother he tried to fit in , so they cousins picked on him always and what happened his own brother did to so he would "fit in" . I know These may sound silly or like just grow up things but for him they are real, his mother died the day before his 9 birthday. I just see it as so sad. He loves our children but he does not know how to really show them. I know them know he loves them but wonder do they feel it?
Life is a lesson, some learn more about people just by their actions. It could be he had a very hard life and he is just has no skill to show his love, or he thinks he is showing how much . I don't know.
I would ask him see if there are things you can find a coomon ground on. My son now comes every Sunday and watches foot ball with his dad our daughter calls everyday to check up on him. So it is very small steps but it is a start. Me I just love them all and know that they are good deep inside and sometimes you have to really look and listen to what they are really trying to say.
I wish I could make you feel better. I would hate to think that my children would feel this way. I want them to know Joy and happiness and me or my husband not to be a burden on them
Jennie0 -
emerging from the abysszinniemay said:Wish I could help
I fisrt need to say I love my husband, he is not a easy man to get along with, You really have to know his childhood to understand him. I am sure our kids think the same as you do, He always brangs up things like paying their bills (really hard to explain) but in ways it is like they are not adult enough at 29 and 32 to do this. The scoot around the truth rather thanto face the fact and just tell him what is going on.
But I know that in his own way he is expressing his love for them , It does not come out that way, sometimes I think it sound like he belittles them , But that is not what he means. They don't know manythings that their father suffered ,as a kid unwanted. His mother died when he was 9 , he and his brother were Dropped off at their uncles house cause their "Daddy dearest sid he could not do it" Their baby sister ripped from them to live with their oldest sister. Greg's brother he tried to fit in , so they cousins picked on him always and what happened his own brother did to so he would "fit in" . I know These may sound silly or like just grow up things but for him they are real, his mother died the day before his 9 birthday. I just see it as so sad. He loves our children but he does not know how to really show them. I know them know he loves them but wonder do they feel it?
Life is a lesson, some learn more about people just by their actions. It could be he had a very hard life and he is just has no skill to show his love, or he thinks he is showing how much . I don't know.
I would ask him see if there are things you can find a coomon ground on. My son now comes every Sunday and watches foot ball with his dad our daughter calls everyday to check up on him. So it is very small steps but it is a start. Me I just love them all and know that they are good deep inside and sometimes you have to really look and listen to what they are really trying to say.
I wish I could make you feel better. I would hate to think that my children would feel this way. I want them to know Joy and happiness and me or my husband not to be a burden on them
Jennie
My father had a very abusive childhood and that's why he is the way he is. I love him with all my heart but I can't erase his past or mine. He was in truth verbally abusive to us and physically violent at times. But I've always loved him and do now, which is why I'm his caregiver. On a side note, I'm the child he has the best relationship with and even then, before he ever got sick I never could do anything to his standards (hell, I can't even boil water right). It's awful to think that he's going to pass away full of anger/rage. I have nobody to relieve me, nobody else to find common ground with him. I spend my days doing anything and everything I can for him. He's king at my house, as it should be as his life expectancy is short and because he's my dad. What I'm saying is, even with his insults, impatience and anger I still don't think of him as a burden. He's my dad. It's just very sad because he's driven so many people away. I've been a caregiver before and I've been the care receiver and the rage part of a person's death can be overwhelming. A good analogy is that he's like a kid who wants to be hugged but kicks and screams and pushes away. I keep hugging anyways but the other day, well, I was more than in a dark place, I was in the abyss.0 -
loveKinzieK said:emerging from the abyss
My father had a very abusive childhood and that's why he is the way he is. I love him with all my heart but I can't erase his past or mine. He was in truth verbally abusive to us and physically violent at times. But I've always loved him and do now, which is why I'm his caregiver. On a side note, I'm the child he has the best relationship with and even then, before he ever got sick I never could do anything to his standards (hell, I can't even boil water right). It's awful to think that he's going to pass away full of anger/rage. I have nobody to relieve me, nobody else to find common ground with him. I spend my days doing anything and everything I can for him. He's king at my house, as it should be as his life expectancy is short and because he's my dad. What I'm saying is, even with his insults, impatience and anger I still don't think of him as a burden. He's my dad. It's just very sad because he's driven so many people away. I've been a caregiver before and I've been the care receiver and the rage part of a person's death can be overwhelming. A good analogy is that he's like a kid who wants to be hugged but kicks and screams and pushes away. I keep hugging anyways but the other day, well, I was more than in a dark place, I was in the abyss.
See I see pure love in your note about your dad. I am not sure what he thinks or anything, I think he knows in him heart you love him and maybe in his own way he is trying to show his love for you.
I was not very loved my my mother and I know this to be true, but in all of it I know she loved me the best she could . I know Our daughter feels unloved why I don't know but I see it in her actions. Maybe I did this I don't know I always pushed people away that could to close, cause I did not want to get hurt. So maybe in some deep seated way I pushed her away to. I sure hope not . But I worry about that too.
I think he is afraid to show anyone that he loves them cause they would leave him? I don't know what to say!
I think you are a great child to have and would be glad you were my child (adult) . I think you are doing the best you can and that is all you need to do.
Peace be with you
Jennie0
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