Cried my eyes out tonight !!!!
I know these feeling of pity will pass & I'm sorry to be such a downer tonight - I guess I just needed a Sympathetic ear.
Am I the only one here that had gone through these emotions? Is it the poison running through my body causing me to be so emotional ?
thank you for listening - everyone here has been such a blessing to me.
Love you all. Kelly
Comments
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everything you feel is
everything you feel is normal and emotions we have all experienced and continue to experience. You will feel better when you arent under seige from the chemo, and some energy will return. Then you can focus on being where you want to be. The hair thing can be tricky as it can grow in a differnet color and texture. I was blonde and straight and now am dark and curly. I hated it at first but am getting used to it and working with it.Once you feel better physically the rest gets easier. Chemo wears you down. Keep up the good work, and sometimes we need to cry, and be mad. this isnt fair and it stinks. Hugs to you tomorrow will be better!0 -
You're almost there!!
Won't take long now to finish your treatment and move on with your life. It won't be the same as before, you will still have challenges and days when you feel like crap but the best part is that you are in control and can do what you need to do to make your life worthwhile. I am just 1 month post treatment. My hair is growing back (and I actually like it) and I am resuming some activities that I like to do. Energy still needs a boost but I have learned to be more patient after this journey. Yes Kelly, I cried sometimes, but I laughed too, and I try to keep the laughter in place of the crying because it really helps me focus on feeling better. Just don't let yourself get depressed, or down on yourself. If you feel like that please talk to your MD about it. This is really a roller coaster ride that we didn't expect but we need to be proud that we are making it through, lift up your chin, dry your eyes and say "what a ride". Love you and my thoughts are on their way!!0 -
Just crying is helpfull emotionally
Kelly dear,
You are going down an new path in life which has a lot of unknowns. It is one day at a time. Getting through the chemo is the greatest physical battle because it messes so with your head and your body. I was really upset when I thought I would loose weight while on chemo due to all the stomach problems but never lost a pound. The doc reassured me I was better off for it, shows your healthy. Now I know he was really telling me a fib. The hair thing as you know is only temporary. Just think, you don't have to deal with it while you don't feel like dealing with much else. Oh, your still pretty, inside and out, don't drag yourself down. Your feeling ugly is just the chemo dragging you down. I have been "cancer free" since 2007 and tonight I almost lost it over my own breasts. The lumpectomy side is just right, though has a big ol' dent in it. Now I just would like the other breast to be just as small, one hangs low. We all deal any way we are capable of, knowning sympathetic ears are hear for us all really helps. I feel your pain and understand so well. Your story sounds so much like mine. Hang in there, keep laughing, dancing in the rain, it does get better.
Best to you during your battle, Kathryn0 -
Good morning Kelly.
I hope this morning finds you feeling a little more like you self. But what you feel is normal. You have been through so much it would be abnormal to not feel this way, I have these feeling myself. And like you I have them in my private moments. I don't want to burden my family any more then I have to. I find that a good cry some times helps to make you feel better. I know what you mean about wanting the old self back. I miss my life to and the person I use to be. But I know life will be good again. I will find her. You will find that girl again she is still there, she just needs to get better first. And then will be better then ever!! Take care Sweet heart these may be the dark days but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life will be good again!! Don't forget that. We will Win. God bless you. Love and prayers to my sister in pink Take Care Kay,0 -
one more to go....yeah!!!
Sorry to hear you are down tonight....it happens to all of us and is ok. But remember, just one more chemo to get you out of the tunnel and into the light!!!! We will all be there waiting to greet you there. The extra weight, hair loss, side effects will eventually pass........our lives will continue. We all must deal with it may not be the same life we had...but it will be what we make it. It is what is is, but we can adapt, adjust, and be happy again....I am sure of it and plan to do that. You will find the strength.....afterall, you have gone though 5 chemos already! You are a survivor and your life will be different but happy I am sure. The new Kelly will look beautiful and be strong and happy, and you will like her! Hugs and prayers..........good luck on your final chemo infusion and keep us posted.0 -
Hi Kelly,
I am so sorry that you are having a bad day. Believe me, we all have them. Luckily for me, I found this sight. I can cry, scream or just vent when I want, and there are people here that completely understand. Just think, only one more chemo to do. That is such a wonderful feeling. I had my last one on August 25th. What a relief! Even though I didn't get sick at all, the tired yukky feeling lasted a couple days longer than normal. That was okay, I knew it was my last time.
Your hair will come back, maybe not how you want it too. Just remember we have our hairdressers who can make us look like we want!
Hang in there, and don't feel bad about your feelings. Hugs, Jean0 -
big hugs to you Kelly
I know just how you feel Kelly. I think the weight of it all just comes down on us sometimes. I hate looking AND feeling like crap all the time. It gets to you. Sometimes we have to open the valves, so to speak, and let the tears flow. I had a similar experience after my last chemo also.
We do know that our hair will grow back. We'll lose the weight. Yes, it is something to look forward to, but still, knowing that doesn't make it feel any better right NOW.
YOU are a beautiful and strong woman and you are fighting cancer, and fighting it well. You're just about at the finish line, and then you can rest, and let your body heal. You are definately not alone in your feelings, and don't apologize for feeling down. We're here to lift you up.
*hugs hugs*
Heather0 -
year ago sept 11 i had my surgery and you will get thru this
sept 11-09 had lumpectomy and i had some many mixed feeling, and then i remeber what my Dr said> The cards have been dealt and how you decide to play them is up to you, so with that thouhgt ringing in my mind, i said ok cancer your in for the fight of your life and so the battle began.i too lost my my hair it grew back full of ringlets and who would have thought i now try to use flat iron to flat the curls but i said to myself, Gosh are u NUTS girl you have hair thick beautiful hair and now i rejoice in my ringlets. i too after siurgery and looked at my smaller breast thinking my my bra will have to adjust to smaller size and hubby look and said gosh your breast is perfect now becuase you see i was always big breasted and i said what if they had to take my breast and he put his hands on both my breasts and said; breast or no breast i will alway's love you, Kelly my dear your there you just don't know it yet because your alive and all of us are here for you. love and prayers my sweet girl. kickie0 -
It's OK to Cry
Kelly,
I'm sorry your having "one of those days". We ALL have them from time to time. It's normal!! Of course you are going to feel bad as your body has been fighting a war with all the drugs in your system! But in the end, you will come out the winner!! You're almost at the finish line!!
Just keep reminding yourself that "this too shall pass" because it will! You're hair will grow back. You CAN lose the weight you gained from chemo. If your breast still bothers you in several months, you can always choose to get it fixed. It's just gonna take some time to feel better. We live in a "want it NOW" world. And unfortunately, recovering from cancer takes a little bit more time!
Remember to be good to yourself! Get plenty of rest. Try to go for walks if you can and do stuff that you really enjoy and that feeds your soul. You may not get back exactly to the way you were, the boobs will always be slightly skewed! LOL. ANd...having cancer does change a person....for the better I believe. We get to experience the mundainess(sp?) of life in a whole new prespective and truly understand what is really important in this life. That my friend, is a gift!
God has a purpose for all things. Even you getting cancer. You may not know the hows and whys in this lifetime, but on the otherside, God will reveal to you all the good that came out of it!
Anyway, sorry for rambling! I think your feelings are totally normal. I would think something was "off" if you didn't go through an occassional pity party and crying fest!! It's the healthy thing to do!!
Hope the coming days are better for you! Glad you could find comfort on this board with the rest of us "sisters"!
Blessings,
Sally0 -
I have been throughkickie said:year ago sept 11 i had my surgery and you will get thru this
sept 11-09 had lumpectomy and i had some many mixed feeling, and then i remeber what my Dr said> The cards have been dealt and how you decide to play them is up to you, so with that thouhgt ringing in my mind, i said ok cancer your in for the fight of your life and so the battle began.i too lost my my hair it grew back full of ringlets and who would have thought i now try to use flat iron to flat the curls but i said to myself, Gosh are u NUTS girl you have hair thick beautiful hair and now i rejoice in my ringlets. i too after siurgery and looked at my smaller breast thinking my my bra will have to adjust to smaller size and hubby look and said gosh your breast is perfect now becuase you see i was always big breasted and i said what if they had to take my breast and he put his hands on both my breasts and said; breast or no breast i will alway's love you, Kelly my dear your there you just don't know it yet because your alive and all of us are here for you. love and prayers my sweet girl. kickie
I have been through everything you are going through and feel the same way. I had a masectomy about 2 years ago. I also want my pre cancer life back. I used to be very active, i looked younger than 50 also, i used to love to go shopping at the mall with my daughter, i loved a margarita or sangria once in awhile. I had parties and family over my house a lot. I am going through a reoccurance right now, so it is back on treatment. I am 54 and feel 70 yr old. I do not have much energy, everything tastes so bland. A margarita would probably taste like water! Well, i hate to vent on your vent...but just wanted to let you know i feel the same. Also, we seem to be the same age. take care, you will get your hair back, you will lose the weight. Just have to work harder.0 -
may I share...
dear kelly...i hope you will find hope from my reply...i was on a chemo clinical trial, and was so very very sick..had lost 45 lbs...on this particular day I loaded up my walker (was that weak) and drove myself to my chemo appt...it was unusually hot that day and as luck would have it had to park a few blocks away...halfway through my walk I felt I just couldn't go on and stood still and tears came down my face...out of nowhere a wonderful young man came up beside me and said he sure would love a walking partner and could he walk with me...he did and said you have come far in your journey and god will help you through the rest...when we got to the hospital door he said stay beautiful and thanked me for keeping him company...and continued on...god has angels on earth and they find us when we least expect it...0 -
Sorry your feeling so bad.shy violet said:may I share...
dear kelly...i hope you will find hope from my reply...i was on a chemo clinical trial, and was so very very sick..had lost 45 lbs...on this particular day I loaded up my walker (was that weak) and drove myself to my chemo appt...it was unusually hot that day and as luck would have it had to park a few blocks away...halfway through my walk I felt I just couldn't go on and stood still and tears came down my face...out of nowhere a wonderful young man came up beside me and said he sure would love a walking partner and could he walk with me...he did and said you have come far in your journey and god will help you through the rest...when we got to the hospital door he said stay beautiful and thanked me for keeping him company...and continued on...god has angels on earth and they find us when we least expect it...
Sorry your feeling so bad. Day's like this will come and go, but we do get through them.0 -
Maybe tears of happiness?
I know most of your tears are over not liking your appearance but maybe some of them are relief over being so close to the end of one phase of treatment. When we first begin "the journey" we are suddenly being told where to be and when to be there and our lives are managed for us. We have to take a deep breath and tell ourselves that we can do this. When we get close to the finish line, we realize we can finally let it go but we've been holding our breath for so long that we aren't sure how to breath normally anymore. I also remember looking in the mirror and thinking that I look closer to 80 than my 80-year old mother does. Now I can actually laugh about it and think "hey, I know what I will look like when I'm 80"! You might not be the Kelly you used to be but there is nothing wrong with the Kelly you are now.
Hugs!
Jamie0 -
what an amazing group you all areshy violet said:may I share...
dear kelly...i hope you will find hope from my reply...i was on a chemo clinical trial, and was so very very sick..had lost 45 lbs...on this particular day I loaded up my walker (was that weak) and drove myself to my chemo appt...it was unusually hot that day and as luck would have it had to park a few blocks away...halfway through my walk I felt I just couldn't go on and stood still and tears came down my face...out of nowhere a wonderful young man came up beside me and said he sure would love a walking partner and could he walk with me...he did and said you have come far in your journey and god will help you through the rest...when we got to the hospital door he said stay beautiful and thanked me for keeping him company...and continued on...god has angels on earth and they find us when we least expect it...
Violet, that is an amazing story. There are many angels that assist us along the way and it is wonderful to hear those stories.
Kelly, cry and cry some more. It's all in perfect order. Remember to reach out to those angels that are there, sometimes in unusual places and sometimes we just don't see that far ahead, one day at a time.
This is a great place to let it all out without worrying about feeling sorry for ourselves, we have all been there, it sucks, but it is making you stronger in the end. Your beauty is still there my dear Kelly, it's on the inside for now but you will get better and love your outside again.
I have not had a great cry yet, I have held back for all these months, since April, and know it's coming and will embrace that too.
Love you Kelly and love all the kind and brave women that are here, R0 -
Welcome to the new "Kellyworld"....jamiegww said:Maybe tears of happiness?
I know most of your tears are over not liking your appearance but maybe some of them are relief over being so close to the end of one phase of treatment. When we first begin "the journey" we are suddenly being told where to be and when to be there and our lives are managed for us. We have to take a deep breath and tell ourselves that we can do this. When we get close to the finish line, we realize we can finally let it go but we've been holding our breath for so long that we aren't sure how to breath normally anymore. I also remember looking in the mirror and thinking that I look closer to 80 than my 80-year old mother does. Now I can actually laugh about it and think "hey, I know what I will look like when I'm 80"! You might not be the Kelly you used to be but there is nothing wrong with the Kelly you are now.
Hugs!
Jamie
I've had the same feeling for over a year now! Ever since diagnosis I just want to hit REPLAY and go back to the normal boring life I had before. It's so hard to realize there's no going back and now we have to get used to our new normal that we all HATE with a vengeance! That's why I am on here every day, to help me fact that reality with my pink sisters all over the USA. We are all on this Pink Titanic together....and we're all trying to patch up the damage done to our individual boats or grab on to a lifeboat!0 -
You all have touched me immensely that I have to stop reading to wipe the tears away so I can see the words. I so appreciate everyone of you and every encouraging word you wrote. You all are beautiful women and I feel so close to my pink sisters.Mama G said:Welcome to the new "Kellyworld"....
I've had the same feeling for over a year now! Ever since diagnosis I just want to hit REPLAY and go back to the normal boring life I had before. It's so hard to realize there's no going back and now we have to get used to our new normal that we all HATE with a vengeance! That's why I am on here every day, to help me fact that reality with my pink sisters all over the USA. We are all on this Pink Titanic together....and we're all trying to patch up the damage done to our individual boats or grab on to a lifeboat!
Today has been a better day - alittle emotional still but so much better. I ws able to get out of the house today with my husband and while we were at Bed Bath and Beyond we ran into a friend. I just then met his girlfreind, she was so loving and kind to me that I got emotional and tears started coming down my face as she gave me a hug. She was sharing with me how her mother had BC and survived.
You all are right - I need to let my body heal - the chemo does take it's tole on everypart of it.
I also beleive that God has a reason for all this & one day I will know what that is. But for now I just trust in Him.
You all are wonderful and I read every reply. and I will probably read them over and over again.
Thank you also much. My prayers have all been for you too. I think it's great that we lift eachother up like we do.
I love you all - Kelly0 -
Kelly
I feel like that sometimes too although as of today I haven't had a good cry. Last fall I lost 25#s and went down 2 clothing sizes and since my bilateral mastectomy I've gained 15#s and before surgery I gained the other 10+ back. Good thing I kept my old clothes but it kills me that I have to wear them. I feel fat and bloated and my face and bald head have acne! This certainly isn't how I planned on spending my summer. I've only had 2 treatments so far. I'm hoping that when treatment is over I get back to my previous weight. It sucks!
{{hugs}} Char0 -
Charcahjah75 said:Kelly
I feel like that sometimes too although as of today I haven't had a good cry. Last fall I lost 25#s and went down 2 clothing sizes and since my bilateral mastectomy I've gained 15#s and before surgery I gained the other 10+ back. Good thing I kept my old clothes but it kills me that I have to wear them. I feel fat and bloated and my face and bald head have acne! This certainly isn't how I planned on spending my summer. I've only had 2 treatments so far. I'm hoping that when treatment is over I get back to my previous weight. It sucks!
{{hugs}} Char
Yes, I saved all my size 12 clothes too and I am so thankful that I did. If I hadn't I would have to go out and buy more clothes. This is the bright side of my situation (weight gain) that I still have the clothes. It kills me to that I have to wear them - but i will save the smaller size for when I lose the weight. I agree with you - it all sucks.
How many treatments do you have to complete?0 -
My oncologistnew2me said:Char
Yes, I saved all my size 12 clothes too and I am so thankful that I did. If I hadn't I would have to go out and buy more clothes. This is the bright side of my situation (weight gain) that I still have the clothes. It kills me to that I have to wear them - but i will save the smaller size for when I lose the weight. I agree with you - it all sucks.
How many treatments do you have to complete?
says I will have 4-6 treatments and I don't know about rads yet. I've had 2 chemo treatments so I'm either 1/2 or 1/3 way done!
Char0 -
Kelly .. I am sending you a GREAT BIG CYBER HUG ..new2me said:Char
Yes, I saved all my size 12 clothes too and I am so thankful that I did. If I hadn't I would have to go out and buy more clothes. This is the bright side of my situation (weight gain) that I still have the clothes. It kills me to that I have to wear them - but i will save the smaller size for when I lose the weight. I agree with you - it all sucks.
How many treatments do you have to complete?
now here's a tissue. Do you by chance have a baseball cap, hat, bandana anything that has our WARRIOR - pink ribbon? If so, put it on look into your mirror and see what we all see in you, Kelly .. a WARRIOR Princess fighting for her life!
Pull everything that is black or a solid blue, out of your closet .. now get those size 12 3/4 length jeans and pull together several outfits. Tomorrow, get dress and walk around your grocery store, or nearest market sporting your breast cancer cap/hat .. with pride .. DARE anyone to stare you in the eyes..
We are ALL brave, strong, and beautiful women! Size does not matter, at this point in time - our attitude and health are more important. Knowing that we again with be that sized 10 .. with more SASS and Class helps us get thru these dark days. We are entitled to every tear, every fear -- as long as we can control when to turn them off.
Remember you are LOVED and cherised by all of us here on this board, and your dear dear family!!!!
Now Go .. get your Groove back ... and until next time a dark cloud hovers above you, enjoy life.
Strength and Courage:
Vicki Sam0
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