Sex after treatment

webbwife50
webbwife50 Member Posts: 394
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I finished treatment last december. I was dxed with tnbc and did bilat mast, chemo, and then recon.

Before cancer my lovely husband and I were insatiable. We would have sex 5-6 time a week and I loved the closeness. I loved pleasing him and he me. Now he has to plead with me to get anything. I am just not interested and I feel horrible about it. It has been one of the biggest losses for me.

I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on this.

Comments

  • AMomNETN
    AMomNETN Member Posts: 242
    #2
    Sex
    You are not alone in this one. My husband and I were very much like you and your husband. We seldom have sex and especially as frequently. The chemo and now tamoxifen have taken my interest in sex and thrown it out the window. We are adjusting but it is still hard. Hang in there. I'm sorry for the way you are feeling but you are not alone.

    Janie
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    #3
    Communicate, communicate, communicate!
    I was 33 when I was first diagnosed and that was also a difficult issue for us. I think it really hurt Danny's feelings, but we talked through it so that I made sure that he understood that the libido loss was not him, but MY problem. Also, I told him how much I still enjoyed snuggling, holding hands, talking and laughing with him, etc. The sex drive very gradually returned, but probably not like before, but, by then, I was 5-7 yrs older. This is a very difficult topic for so many couples and I am glad that you had the courage to bring it up. I bet other Pink Warriors have some great ideas???
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    #4
    CypressCynthia said:

    Communicate, communicate, communicate!
    I was 33 when I was first diagnosed and that was also a difficult issue for us. I think it really hurt Danny's feelings, but we talked through it so that I made sure that he understood that the libido loss was not him, but MY problem. Also, I told him how much I still enjoyed snuggling, holding hands, talking and laughing with him, etc. The sex drive very gradually returned, but probably not like before, but, by then, I was 5-7 yrs older. This is a very difficult topic for so many couples and I am glad that you had the courage to bring it up. I bet other Pink Warriors have some great ideas???

    P.S.
    Just FYI that was 23 yrs ago and we are still going strong! So hang in there and concentrate most on getting better, but don't forget to make sure that he understands that your feelings for him are not the problem.
  • mwallace1325
    mwallace1325 Member Posts: 806
    #5
    I have the same problem
    I had IDC and did the lumpectomy, chemo, rads and I just went off femera after 8 months. My husband I were probably where you and yours were and now are also where you are now. He's trying to be understanding, but I'm really hoping getting off the femera will help.
    I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but perhaps it's just a "misery loves company" kind of thing.

    marge
  • Jean 0609
    Jean 0609 Member Posts: 2,462
    #6
    I spoke with my GYN about this on my last visit.
    She assured me that this was normal for us to be going through. She told me to give it time and give myself time to get back to normal. She said we would talk again when I see her in a few months. Even though sex isn't what it used to be, we still enjoy cuddling, holding hands and just being together. Also, my husband admits that he is still afraid that he is going to hurt me. I keep assuring him that I won't break. Hugs, Jean
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #7
    Jean 0609 said:

    I spoke with my GYN about this on my last visit.
    She assured me that this was normal for us to be going through. She told me to give it time and give myself time to get back to normal. She said we would talk again when I see her in a few months. Even though sex isn't what it used to be, we still enjoy cuddling, holding hands and just being together. Also, my husband admits that he is still afraid that he is going to hurt me. I keep assuring him that I won't break. Hugs, Jean

    When I was very ill on chemo
    When I was very ill on chemo I was not interested. but as I am feeling better I find that is getting better. I am on tamoxifen but it doesnt seem to affect me as much as the fatique does. P.S. I am 7 months post chemo. this is a physical and psychological trauma give your self time. I thinK Lupe talked about texting her husband I thought this was a great idea!
  • webbwife50
    webbwife50 Member Posts: 394
    #8
    carkris said:

    When I was very ill on chemo
    When I was very ill on chemo I was not interested. but as I am feeling better I find that is getting better. I am on tamoxifen but it doesnt seem to affect me as much as the fatique does. P.S. I am 7 months post chemo. this is a physical and psychological trauma give your self time. I thinK Lupe talked about texting her husband I thought this was a great idea!

    thank you
    Thank you for your responses.
  • Chickadee1955
    Chickadee1955 Member Posts: 356 Member
    #9
    webbwife50 said:

    thank you
    Thank you for your responses.

    My husband and I discussed
    My husband and I discussed this very thing this morning. I have been so concerned for him and his feelings since I have zero interest in things sexual at this point. I feel pretty hideous physically and just recently came to grips with the fact that even after reconstruction I won't be the same I as used to be. I will have 'breast mounds' not breasts. I was pretty well endowed and my breasts were a significant part of both of our enjoyment of sex.

    He told me that he believes we will re-engage in an active sex life someday, but my cancer has given him a new perspective on what is really important in life and sex just doesn't register at the top of the list anymore.

    Could I love this guy more than I do today???? Hopefully, my 'new normal' will be something we can both embrace.

    Chickadee
  • Mama G
    Mama G Member Posts: 762
    #10
    Chickadee1955 said:

    My husband and I discussed
    My husband and I discussed this very thing this morning. I have been so concerned for him and his feelings since I have zero interest in things sexual at this point. I feel pretty hideous physically and just recently came to grips with the fact that even after reconstruction I won't be the same I as used to be. I will have 'breast mounds' not breasts. I was pretty well endowed and my breasts were a significant part of both of our enjoyment of sex.

    He told me that he believes we will re-engage in an active sex life someday, but my cancer has given him a new perspective on what is really important in life and sex just doesn't register at the top of the list anymore.

    Could I love this guy more than I do today???? Hopefully, my 'new normal' will be something we can both embrace.

    Chickadee

    WEll, I'm 60, soooooo
    a little different. BUT I have had ZERO interest also. my husband has been good about it, but I know it bothers him. We have had sex about 5 times this past year. We don't really communicate too well, either. So just go with it.
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    #11
    Chickadee1955 said:

    My husband and I discussed
    My husband and I discussed this very thing this morning. I have been so concerned for him and his feelings since I have zero interest in things sexual at this point. I feel pretty hideous physically and just recently came to grips with the fact that even after reconstruction I won't be the same I as used to be. I will have 'breast mounds' not breasts. I was pretty well endowed and my breasts were a significant part of both of our enjoyment of sex.

    He told me that he believes we will re-engage in an active sex life someday, but my cancer has given him a new perspective on what is really important in life and sex just doesn't register at the top of the list anymore.

    Could I love this guy more than I do today???? Hopefully, my 'new normal' will be something we can both embrace.

    Chickadee

    He's a keeper. Give him a
    He's a keeper. Give him a cyber hug for me!
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #12
    CypressCynthia said:

    He's a keeper. Give him a
    He's a keeper. Give him a cyber hug for me!

    Well mama start the sexy
    Well mama start the sexy texting it might help LOL!!! 5 times ! thats more than my guy got, but who feels sexy with bum problems! this really is TMI.(my post) I think you find a new normal and a way of getting around certain issues. You need time!
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
    #13
    carkris said:

    Well mama start the sexy
    Well mama start the sexy texting it might help LOL!!! 5 times ! thats more than my guy got, but who feels sexy with bum problems! this really is TMI.(my post) I think you find a new normal and a way of getting around certain issues. You need time!

    Husband and I talked about
    Husband and I talked about this last night. I am interested but he doesn't act like he is. I thought it was because he didn't think I was pretty anymore, no desire. He said no it was because he was afraid he would hurt me, he didn't want to see me in any pain since I have been dealing with alot of side effect issues.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #14
    ms.sunshine said:

    Husband and I talked about
    Husband and I talked about this last night. I am interested but he doesn't act like he is. I thought it was because he didn't think I was pretty anymore, no desire. He said no it was because he was afraid he would hurt me, he didn't want to see me in any pain since I have been dealing with alot of side effect issues.

    We have great guys!

    We have great guys!
  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
    #15
    carkris said:

    We have great guys!

    We have great guys!

    I'm also 60.
    Sex drive changes with age but bc cancer can be a real buzz kill. I don't think the Arimidex has helped either. I would suggest that those of you who are younger have your testosterone levels checked. Chemo can screw up our hormones.

    Roseann
  • crselby
    crselby Member Posts: 441 Member
    #16
    the opposite result
    I've just got to reply on this topic. For years and years, since I went into menopause at age 47 (I am now 58), my husband and I had sex about once a month. I always enjoyed it when we did, but wasn't interested most of the rest of the time. Then I had breast cancer treatments about a year ago. Sex went to zero but loving gestures from him increased! We communicated better during that crisis than ever, in our 33 year marriage. Then came the Tamoxifen. The increased hot flashes and leg cramps were keeping me awake at night. Quality of life and work was decreasing. So I asked my (new) gynecologist for help. The Effexor she put me on has 3 effects: reducing the hot flashes, increasing my libido, and making it difficult to reach orgasm. I'm grateful for the first two, but the latter effect is like God's cruel joke on us. I'm sorry if this is too much information, but I want you to know that there is someone who is post-treatment who wants MORE sex than before. This is all so unpredictable for each of us.
    ~~Connie~~

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