How do you deal with Survivor Guilt

KristinX3Survivor
KristinX3Survivor Member Posts: 1
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
My mom is on her last days after being diagnosed with Breast Cancer just 8 months ago.

I have lived / survived through three separate diagnosis of Breast Cancer. The most recent being in 2008. During my treatment days my mom never left my side. She cleaned me up (I couldn't make it to the bathroom often) and never complained about taking care of me. I am now 47. My other two diagnosis were in '99 and '05.

So now my siblings (1 brother; 1 sister) and our dad are holding vigil at moms bedside while she passes from this awful disease. She was taken off all medicine and food and liquids were stopped 10 days ago. She receives only pain medication. She has been comatose since Friday.

So as I take my vigil I cannot help but feel a great deal of survivor guilt. My brother and sister don't understand . . . they just say "But you're here so get over it". I just feel so helpless, almost feel like I am being cruel to mom to let her die from this disease that I battled and am still surviving.

How do others deal with survivor guilt? Do others here also have family who are insensitive to your feelings of guilt? How do you deal with trying to be there for your loved one while aching inside of guilt and fear of recurrence?

Sincerely,

Kristin L Albrecht

Comments

  • aisling8
    aisling8 Member Posts: 1,627 Member
    #2
    I don't know
    but I wanted to welcome you to this board and send you a huge hug.

    I lost my mom to this disease and my best friend. And yet, knock wood, I'm here and thriving.

    I gave up on answers and try to live each day. Some are better than others.

    May you have peace in the days to come,

    xoxo
    Victoria
  • webbwife50
    webbwife50 Member Posts: 394
    #3
    welcome KristinX
    I haven't be in your position, and surely losing a mother and being witness to the ravages of bc at the end, messes with anyones perspective.

    Maybe turning "survivor guilt" into "suvivor gratitude.", I am sure she would not want you to punish yourself by embracing guilt. Embrace gratitude at every opportunity, for her.

    God Bless you,
    Alison
  • cahjah75
    cahjah75 Member Posts: 2,631
    #4
    Kristin
    life is hard. My Mom watched her mom (my grandmother) die from bc that metastized to her bones. My mom's oldest sister had mastectomy 22 years ago and is still going strong at age 90. I'm the oldest of 4 girls and my mom wonders why 3 of us have had bc. It skipped her. I would feel awful if my mom had any guilt over this. No one knows why some get bc and others do not. Just be there for your mom in her last days and be kind to yourself. You are a survivor! Celebrate that. Make peace with yourself as you say goodbye.
    {{hugs}} Char
  • smalldoggroomer
    smalldoggroomer Member Posts: 1,184
    #5
    Hello Kristin,
    I have to say your Mom sounds like a Great, Great, lady, She would never want you to feel guilty. Please Take care of your self and be kind to yourself. Your Mom would want that for you. You are in my prayers Kay
  • Bella Luna
    Bella Luna Member Posts: 1,578 Member
    #6
    It is a tremendous balancing
    It is a tremendous balancing act. Take it one day at a time.

    I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. It is devastating to watch a loved one who is very ill and know there is nothing you can do to stop the inevitable. I helped care for my Mother when she was ill with diabetes. She had renal failure and was bed ridden for several years before her passing. It was absolutely heart wrenching for my family. I understand your pain.

    As for survivor's guilt, I think your Mom would want you to live and be happy. It's a tall order, I understand, but I am sure it is what she would want for her daughter, that being your Kristin. It's ok to get help if you feel the guilt is pressing to heavy on your heart. Talking about it with a professional might lighten the load for you. Just a thought.

    Blessings to you and yours, Kristin.
    BL
  • AMomNETN
    AMomNETN Member Posts: 242
    #7
    Guilt
    Kristin,

    I'm so sorry about your mom. Yes, you have guilt but remember your mom did for you what a mother does for their child when they are sick. No matter our age. I bet your mom said the same as mine did, she would gladly trade places with you as you had your bouts with cancer. I know many don't believe this but all that you are going thru now and past was part of God's plan for you and your mom. I know you have guilt but you survived partially because of your mom's help. I know I would do anything for my kids if they were sick like we've been. I don't think your mom wants you to feel guilty. Give her the love you feel. I know she knows and understands how you feel. Remember there is no love like a mother's love and that you will always carry with you.

    Janie
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    #8
    AMomNETN said:

    Guilt
    Kristin,

    I'm so sorry about your mom. Yes, you have guilt but remember your mom did for you what a mother does for their child when they are sick. No matter our age. I bet your mom said the same as mine did, she would gladly trade places with you as you had your bouts with cancer. I know many don't believe this but all that you are going thru now and past was part of God's plan for you and your mom. I know you have guilt but you survived partially because of your mom's help. I know I would do anything for my kids if they were sick like we've been. I don't think your mom wants you to feel guilty. Give her the love you feel. I know she knows and understands how you feel. Remember there is no love like a mother's love and that you will always carry with you.

    Janie

    Hi Kristin
    I don't have any answers for you. I have the same problem, I understand your pain. My friend lost there 6 year old to Cancer a few months ago and my son lost his mother in law who I was friends with a month ago to cancer. I lived through it so far. Today marks my last day of treatments other than Tamoxifen. I am very sorry that you must go through this with your Mother. I am sure however that your Mother would not want you to suffer with this guilt. I guess we just hang in there. Hugs
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #9
    Kat11 said:

    Hi Kristin
    I don't have any answers for you. I have the same problem, I understand your pain. My friend lost there 6 year old to Cancer a few months ago and my son lost his mother in law who I was friends with a month ago to cancer. I lived through it so far. Today marks my last day of treatments other than Tamoxifen. I am very sorry that you must go through this with your Mother. I am sure however that your Mother would not want you to suffer with this guilt. I guess we just hang in there. Hugs

    Kristin
    you beat cancer 3 times together with your Mom. This horrible disease really hit your family hard.Unfortunately family members could be insensitive. Sorry it is very tough for you.
    Sending a big hug
  • Marsha Mulvey
    Marsha Mulvey Member Posts: 597 Member
    #10
    New Flower said:

    Kristin
    you beat cancer 3 times together with your Mom. This horrible disease really hit your family hard.Unfortunately family members could be insensitive. Sorry it is very tough for you.
    Sending a big hug

    Not guilty!
    None of us gets to make the decision of who survives and who doesn't. It's in greater hands than ours. You are guilty of nothing! Please go forward with your life - living each day to the fullest. May God grant serenity to you and your family.
    Marsha
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #11
    Marsha Mulvey said:

    Not guilty!
    None of us gets to make the decision of who survives and who doesn't. It's in greater hands than ours. You are guilty of nothing! Please go forward with your life - living each day to the fullest. May God grant serenity to you and your family.
    Marsha

    I think marsha says it well.
    I think marsha says it well. I had these same feelings when one of my best friends died of sarcoma. I was devastated. She was so vibrant and engaged in life and I felt like I was reserved and nothing special. Why her why not me.? Watching my worst fear was not easy either. Your mom's not surviviing has nothing to do with your not surviving. There is not a quota of survivors and you took her spot. I know as a mom, It would be unthinkable for my kids to get/die from this instead of me.I am sure she would not exchange the situation. I am so sorry you are losing your beautiful mother. Hugs
  • reeseslover1234
    reeseslover1234 Member Posts: 87
    #12
    Please don't feel guilty
    Kristin,

    I agree with Marsha and carkris. Your mother was truly what a mother should be. I know she was proud that her daughter was so brave, not just once, but three times. Mothers do what they do out of love. Sadly, not all women have the maternal instinct that your mother had. I, like you, was fortunate enough to have such a mother, but she was not here to help me through my cancer journey.

    Show your mom the same love and care in her last days that she showed you in your recovery and you will be comforted in knowing you did.

    I will keep you and your family in my prayers,

    Reese

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