I'm holding on so tight, but I know my mom is still going to leave me :,(

Ronda22
Ronda22 Member Posts: 10
edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
There's no describing what my mother has endured the past two years. She was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer just six months after her beloved sister died from it (and their mother at age 35, I think we are cancer cursed.) Hysterectomy /debulking in March 08, followed by more complications and total weeks in the hospital than I can recount. Bleeding retinas, disintegrating spinal discs, kidney failure, staph infection, MRSA infection, C-Diff infection, wound vacs, severe diabetes, chemo, radiation, a stint placed in her bile duct being kinked by tumors, internal bleeding, falling and breaking an arm, and leg..and so much more. A year ago, I gave up my entire life-job, house, friends, husband and moved to OK with my 12-year-old daughter to be my mom's full time caretaker. It has been so difficult, but my mom was a single mom who worked as a welder, hotel maid and cook to support my sisters and me - she deserves it. She nurtured us and dearly loved us every day of our lives. I love her more than any words could ever say. She is only 61.

Right now she is back in the hospital - more tumors in her abdomen, fluid all around her heart and lungs, swollen lymph nodes in her chest...it's very bad. It's so bad. She doesn't want to die and still wants to fight until her last breath. I crawled into that hospital bed with her tonight, laid my hand on her chest, felt her breath, touched her soft skin and little peach fuzz head...and thought I would die from the pain. I don't want her to go, I don't want a life without her, I don't understand why she suffers so. I can't even imagine going on without her, but I am a mother too and so I know I must. My stomach stays in knots, I cry more than I would think is humanly possible, I woke up today crying, my heart literally hurts.

How in God's name do you say good-bye to someone who loved you your whole life?

Comments

  • msfanciful
    msfanciful Member Posts: 559
    #2
    Hello Ronda,
    I am so sorry
    Hello Ronda,

    I am so sorry to hear of your mother's condition.

    I often remind myself that I am so glad to have had the experience of the love of one so dear in my life, whereas many never have this experience of love in there whole lifetime. How sad that is to me.

    It isn't any easy way to let go and I know it doesn't bring much solace, but just always remembering how blessed we are to have been graced with love than never, has always given me a bit more peace in dealing with what seems to be this harsh and sometimes unfair life,

    You have every right to hold on to your mother and don't say good-bye. I say..."until I see you again."

    I pray that you find peace through this trying time.


    Sincerely,


    Sharon
  • Hissy_Fitz
    Hissy_Fitz Member Posts: 1,834
    #3
    Ronda, I am truly sorry for
    Ronda, I am truly sorry for your pain. It touches me deeply because I have children, one of them a daughter, and grandchildren and it breaks my heart to think that they may one day write the same words. I do not want them to grieve. For me, that's the worst part when I contemplate my own death.

    I was 43 when my mom died, and my husband was 67 when he lost his. Being older does not help; you are never ready to lose your mother. It is, however, the natural order of things. We bury our parents, and our children bury us.

    You have a lifetime of memories and though I know it's little comfort, they will help sustain you in the years ahead. That and the knowledge that you did everything you possibly could for your mom. She knows how deeply you love her, and how much you appreciate all she has done for you.

    When the time comes (and you will know when it's time), you must tell her that you will be okay....that she does not need to stay for your sake. It won't be an easy thing to do, but it will ease her passing. It will be the last gift you ever give her, and the most heartfelt.

    I have buried both my parents, my only sibling, two husbands, and a grandchild. Death and I are not friends, but we certainly aren't strangers. My second husband died in my arms on our 25th wedding anniversary. Don't say goodbye, Ronda. Say I love you, and I will see you again.

    Carlene
  • clamryn
    clamryn Member Posts: 508
    #4
    Praying for your Mom & you
    Hi Rhonda, I am truly sorry that you are going through all of this. I lost my mother several years ago. She was a fighter and loved life but I finally had to tell her it was okay to let go. That was very hard to do but she had suffered so long. I am 62 and am a single parent. So I think I can understand some of where you mom is coming from. Us mothers will fight to the finish. I have a daughter also and it hurts me the most when I think of her. She has been there when I have received bad news from the doctor and she has experienced when the doctor has given me good news. I know this plays on her emotions. You are a wonderful daughter and I praise you for it. I am praying for you and your mom. Blessings to you... Linda
  • Tina Brown
    Tina Brown Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #5
    Oh dear Ronda, I am crying
    Oh dear Ronda, I am crying reading your heart felt post, it is so wrong for cancer to do this to our loved ones. I am so so sorry for your pain, no one person should suffer so much - it is not fair. Please know I am thinking of you and hoping you can find so peace somewhere. Enjoy the time you have with your mum and tell her everything you want her to know. I lost my mum 20 months ago and did have lots of time with her to tell her things and hold her hand and stroke her hair.

    Hang in there, your mum will welcome you being near to her.

    Love Tina xxx
  • clamryn
    clamryn Member Posts: 508
    #6
    Hissy_Fitz said:

    Ronda, I am truly sorry for
    Ronda, I am truly sorry for your pain. It touches me deeply because I have children, one of them a daughter, and grandchildren and it breaks my heart to think that they may one day write the same words. I do not want them to grieve. For me, that's the worst part when I contemplate my own death.

    I was 43 when my mom died, and my husband was 67 when he lost his. Being older does not help; you are never ready to lose your mother. It is, however, the natural order of things. We bury our parents, and our children bury us.

    You have a lifetime of memories and though I know it's little comfort, they will help sustain you in the years ahead. That and the knowledge that you did everything you possibly could for your mom. She knows how deeply you love her, and how much you appreciate all she has done for you.

    When the time comes (and you will know when it's time), you must tell her that you will be okay....that she does not need to stay for your sake. It won't be an easy thing to do, but it will ease her passing. It will be the last gift you ever give her, and the most heartfelt.

    I have buried both my parents, my only sibling, two husbands, and a grandchild. Death and I are not friends, but we certainly aren't strangers. My second husband died in my arms on our 25th wedding anniversary. Don't say goodbye, Ronda. Say I love you, and I will see you again.

    Carlene

    Carlene, I read your post
    Carlene, I read your post and I am so sorry that you have been put through so much in your life. I too have buried both my parents. I felt like I buried my ex-husband. We had been married for 22 years and he left. I was devastated and I had no idea. That is when I got ovarian cancer. I am a true believer that stress is what sets it off. I met a gentleman years later and I had 2 wonderful years with him. He died in my arms too. But I am so thankful he came into my life. He was my soul mate and I wouldn't take anything for those 2 years. Take care Carlene. You are a beautiful person. Linda
  • queenieb52
    queenieb52 Member Posts: 48 Member
    #7
    I am so sorry Ronda
    I am so sorry Ronda... tears run down my cheeks as I read your post. I lost my Mom to breast cancer @ the age of 63. She fought it till her last breath. That was 13 yrs ago. Now, as I fight stage 3 ovarian cancer, I wish every day I had my Mom here. I am in remission @ this point, but with the few things I have had to deal with...I don't know how Mom dealt with it- as her reoccurence was from breast cancer in 1973. and it came back in her bones in '92. I will keep you & your family in my prayers Ronda. It is NOT good-bye....it is 'see you later'.. Beth
  • rubyslippers
    rubyslippers Member Posts: 53
    #8
    queenieb52 said:

    I am so sorry Ronda
    I am so sorry Ronda... tears run down my cheeks as I read your post. I lost my Mom to breast cancer @ the age of 63. She fought it till her last breath. That was 13 yrs ago. Now, as I fight stage 3 ovarian cancer, I wish every day I had my Mom here. I am in remission @ this point, but with the few things I have had to deal with...I don't know how Mom dealt with it- as her reoccurence was from breast cancer in 1973. and it came back in her bones in '92. I will keep you & your family in my prayers Ronda. It is NOT good-bye....it is 'see you later'.. Beth

    As I wipe away the tears
    I am so sorry for you Ronda, I have just lost my mum aged 61 to ovarain cancer, 39 days to be precise, Im crying hear reading your post. Its going to be the hardest thing you ever have to do, Im sorry to say there is nothing I can say or do that can make this easier for you. You cant make sense of what is going on around you. Its a pain that you cant describe, I sit here wanting to scream and just crave anything to do with my mum. I wish there was something I could do for you hun, I really do. If you would like to chat my email is christinefoley@fsmail.net. I do believe your mum will never leave you , she will always be with you but just in a different form, a form where she will be pain free. you take care of yourself and your mum xxxxx
  • Ronda22
    Ronda22 Member Posts: 10
    #9
    rubyslippers said:

    As I wipe away the tears
    I am so sorry for you Ronda, I have just lost my mum aged 61 to ovarain cancer, 39 days to be precise, Im crying hear reading your post. Its going to be the hardest thing you ever have to do, Im sorry to say there is nothing I can say or do that can make this easier for you. You cant make sense of what is going on around you. Its a pain that you cant describe, I sit here wanting to scream and just crave anything to do with my mum. I wish there was something I could do for you hun, I really do. If you would like to chat my email is christinefoley@fsmail.net. I do believe your mum will never leave you , she will always be with you but just in a different form, a form where she will be pain free. you take care of yourself and your mum xxxxx

    Thank you
    I am so sorry for each of you who have known this kind of heartbreaking grief, and I appreciate your kind words. I think Sharon is on to something with the gratitude perspective– I am trying to focus on the things I am still thankful for, but it is hard when there is also so much to be scared and angry about…actually more like terrified and enraged.

    And your words “you will know when it’s time,” Carlene, because that is something I pray for. That is definitely where some of the angst comes from….will the end come in a week? A month? A year? I hope I do know. Not that I haven’t said everything I need and want to, but I just want to know. If and when she needs me to, I will let her go. I will tell her my sisters and I will be okay as my heart shatters and my world goes dark.

    Linda, Tina, Beth, and Christine……you have been through my worst nightmare, and I ache that you may be living it still. It feels rotten of me in a way to draw comfort from your words but I do. I am living in a world where everyone of course gets it that “cancer sucks” and “it must be so hard” but no one knows the depths of it…the pitiful dark anger and fear and desperation and anguish. The way your heart leaps into your throat and the pressure of tears that stays behind your eyes, no matter if you’re in the shower or in line at the grocery store. I think you must understand.

    We learned last night that my mom has cancer in her tailbone, and in the lymph nodes of her chest. She will begin radiation – again- next week, and this time the side effects will be “only” a burned esophagus and diarreah. Do you know what I would give to take that off of her? If this misery could be spread around and divided? But no, it is all on her, every prick and poke and ache and pain, all on someone who never did a thing to warrant it.

    Well, I could go on and on. I have spent this weekend alternating between crying and numbness and tonight I am just exhausted. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.

    Ronda
  • wendybill
    wendybill Member Posts: 84
    #10
    Ronda22 said:

    Thank you
    I am so sorry for each of you who have known this kind of heartbreaking grief, and I appreciate your kind words. I think Sharon is on to something with the gratitude perspective– I am trying to focus on the things I am still thankful for, but it is hard when there is also so much to be scared and angry about…actually more like terrified and enraged.

    And your words “you will know when it’s time,” Carlene, because that is something I pray for. That is definitely where some of the angst comes from….will the end come in a week? A month? A year? I hope I do know. Not that I haven’t said everything I need and want to, but I just want to know. If and when she needs me to, I will let her go. I will tell her my sisters and I will be okay as my heart shatters and my world goes dark.

    Linda, Tina, Beth, and Christine……you have been through my worst nightmare, and I ache that you may be living it still. It feels rotten of me in a way to draw comfort from your words but I do. I am living in a world where everyone of course gets it that “cancer sucks” and “it must be so hard” but no one knows the depths of it…the pitiful dark anger and fear and desperation and anguish. The way your heart leaps into your throat and the pressure of tears that stays behind your eyes, no matter if you’re in the shower or in line at the grocery store. I think you must understand.

    We learned last night that my mom has cancer in her tailbone, and in the lymph nodes of her chest. She will begin radiation – again- next week, and this time the side effects will be “only” a burned esophagus and diarreah. Do you know what I would give to take that off of her? If this misery could be spread around and divided? But no, it is all on her, every prick and poke and ache and pain, all on someone who never did a thing to warrant it.

    Well, I could go on and on. I have spent this weekend alternating between crying and numbness and tonight I am just exhausted. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.

    Ronda

    Thank you Ronda
    Your well written emails and the beautiful redponses was exactly what I needed to read. Thank you for sharing all of this. I wanted to read your initial posting to my husband but I knew I would cry all the way through it. My numbness needed this bit of light.
    Wendy
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #11
    Ronda22 said:

    Thank you
    I am so sorry for each of you who have known this kind of heartbreaking grief, and I appreciate your kind words. I think Sharon is on to something with the gratitude perspective– I am trying to focus on the things I am still thankful for, but it is hard when there is also so much to be scared and angry about…actually more like terrified and enraged.

    And your words “you will know when it’s time,” Carlene, because that is something I pray for. That is definitely where some of the angst comes from….will the end come in a week? A month? A year? I hope I do know. Not that I haven’t said everything I need and want to, but I just want to know. If and when she needs me to, I will let her go. I will tell her my sisters and I will be okay as my heart shatters and my world goes dark.

    Linda, Tina, Beth, and Christine……you have been through my worst nightmare, and I ache that you may be living it still. It feels rotten of me in a way to draw comfort from your words but I do. I am living in a world where everyone of course gets it that “cancer sucks” and “it must be so hard” but no one knows the depths of it…the pitiful dark anger and fear and desperation and anguish. The way your heart leaps into your throat and the pressure of tears that stays behind your eyes, no matter if you’re in the shower or in line at the grocery store. I think you must understand.

    We learned last night that my mom has cancer in her tailbone, and in the lymph nodes of her chest. She will begin radiation – again- next week, and this time the side effects will be “only” a burned esophagus and diarreah. Do you know what I would give to take that off of her? If this misery could be spread around and divided? But no, it is all on her, every prick and poke and ache and pain, all on someone who never did a thing to warrant it.

    Well, I could go on and on. I have spent this weekend alternating between crying and numbness and tonight I am just exhausted. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.

    Ronda

    you are not alone
    No, you are not alone. My mother has fought for 19 months now, and she's running out of options. Complications from a new chemo made this weekend a nightmare. Once again we are out the other side of a crisis, but living from crisis to crisis has become a way of life for the home team. Hopefully it will make us stronger and wiser.

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