Sometimes...

leesag
leesag Member Posts: 621 Member
edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
Sometimes I just feel like screaming.

I just needed to share that. Nothing new is happening, I'm just caught in the limbo between chemo and checkups. I've gained 10 pounds and I can't rid myself of the fear that it's ascites. My husband refuses to acknowledge any possibility of recurrence EVER. And I just needed to scream. Even if it's a cyber scream.

Love you all for bearing with my temporary insanity.

Hugs,

Leesa

Comments

  • froggy1
    froggy1 Member Posts: 205
    #2
    No Insanity
    Hi Leesa,
    There is no insanity involved here! This journey is an emotional roller coaster. I am supposed to be in "remission," but every little ache and pain wants to make me run to a specialist. I had really bad allergies and was sure I had ascites in my lungs! I went to my PCP and demanded a chest X-ray. It was negative. I have had really bad indigestion lately and 'am sure I have stomach cancer! LOL I want to be monitored every day. How are you supposed to know if it is the "real thing" or not? After all, I am in this mess because some Doctor didn't take me seriously!
    My husband, too, thinks I will NEVER have a recurrence. He keeps telling me I need to think positive and everything will be fine! HA! How many of our dear sisters on this board have thought positive and are no longer with us?
    'Hoping your "ascites" is just the result of getting your appetite back and enjoying some good food!
    Scream away.. Cyber Hugs, Ginny
  • South Jersey
    South Jersey Member Posts: 89
    #3
    I know the feeling! I, too,
    I know the feeling! I, too, have a husband that tells me that I can't let myself think about the cancer coming back... easier said than done! Sometimes the thought of a recurrence consumes me... we all know the reality of this nasty disease! So, it's 3:00am and I am screaming with you (LOL). I hope your next appointment goes well... I go for a check up next month.
    Hang in there (o:
  • msfanciful
    msfanciful Member Posts: 559
    #4
    Auggggggggghhhhh! ! !
    You're
    Auggggggggghhhhh! ! !

    You're right I DO feel better and I know exactly what you mean.

    This hi and low ride I guess is just going to be a part of our lives now.

    I mean, life does have it's up and downs but now; even more than ever! :-((

    Take care Leesa and hang in there!


    Sharon
  • nancy591
    nancy591 Member Posts: 1,027 Member
    #5
    YES!
    I worried all the time about every little ache and pain. I would ask for scans as well. It is nerve wracking. Looking back I wish I could have enjoyed my remission!!! Easier said then done, I know but try to enjoy your freedom!!!
  • lindaprocopio
    lindaprocopio Member Posts: 1,980 Member
    #6
    nancy591 said:

    YES!
    I worried all the time about every little ache and pain. I would ask for scans as well. It is nerve wracking. Looking back I wish I could have enjoyed my remission!!! Easier said then done, I know but try to enjoy your freedom!!!

    SO true! This 4-week chemo break waiting for 2nd opinion: EEE!!!
    I find myself counting down the days until Tuesday when I go for my 2nd opinion at Fox Chase because I am so ANXIOUS to not be getting chemo during this 'down time' of scans and 2nd opinions. After getting taxol every Monday & Nuepogen every Tuesday, Wedneday, & Thursday all summer, you'd think I'd be relishing this 4-week chemo break. Not really!! I'm so afraid my cancer is up to mischief while no one's watching! ARGH!

    But I have to echo Nancy's advice. After all, I'm NOT in remission and my cancer almost surely IS up to no good during this break. But for those of you IN REMISSION, try to beleive in your good fortune and good health if you can. I tried to live my remissions as if I was CURED, as if it would last forever, even let myself BELIEVE it (at least 90% of the time). YES, my heart was broken anew with each recurrence. But I'd rather suffer the heartbreak over and over than give up those months of blissful remission and soaring hope. You probably worry that your husband will be CRUSHED, DESTROYED if you recur, because he believes that it won't happen. I'm saying that YOU want to ALSO be caught by surprise, even if your heart gets broken again. Because the trade-off is to live in a blissful hopeful joy during your remission, and that's worth more than you can know until it is taken away,...well worth any possible new heartbreak down the road.

    You don't want to feel relief that "the other shoe has finally dropped" if your cancer returns. Don't do that to yourself. So SCREAM AWAY!! & then go out & enjoy the bliss!! ((((Hugs))))
  • Disneynutt
    Disneynutt Member Posts: 134 Member
    #7
    lindaprocopio said:

    SO true! This 4-week chemo break waiting for 2nd opinion: EEE!!!
    I find myself counting down the days until Tuesday when I go for my 2nd opinion at Fox Chase because I am so ANXIOUS to not be getting chemo during this 'down time' of scans and 2nd opinions. After getting taxol every Monday & Nuepogen every Tuesday, Wedneday, & Thursday all summer, you'd think I'd be relishing this 4-week chemo break. Not really!! I'm so afraid my cancer is up to mischief while no one's watching! ARGH!

    But I have to echo Nancy's advice. After all, I'm NOT in remission and my cancer almost surely IS up to no good during this break. But for those of you IN REMISSION, try to beleive in your good fortune and good health if you can. I tried to live my remissions as if I was CURED, as if it would last forever, even let myself BELIEVE it (at least 90% of the time). YES, my heart was broken anew with each recurrence. But I'd rather suffer the heartbreak over and over than give up those months of blissful remission and soaring hope. You probably worry that your husband will be CRUSHED, DESTROYED if you recur, because he believes that it won't happen. I'm saying that YOU want to ALSO be caught by surprise, even if your heart gets broken again. Because the trade-off is to live in a blissful hopeful joy during your remission, and that's worth more than you can know until it is taken away,...well worth any possible new heartbreak down the road.

    You don't want to feel relief that "the other shoe has finally dropped" if your cancer returns. Don't do that to yourself. So SCREAM AWAY!! & then go out & enjoy the bliss!! ((((Hugs))))

    Right On Linda & Nancy
    I am not in remission either and have had chemo for one whole year so far without a break. To me, remission is this possibly never attainable nirvana that I can only wish for. I am shocked to find it is so difficult to deal with. At the same time I can understand it. This is a sneaky disease and I'm sure we always want to know what it's up to. But you have to count your lucky stars at the same time you are worried. I envy everyone in remission, you have something I desperately want.
  • Tina Brown
    Tina Brown Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #8
    I am screaming with you Leesa
    I am finding it much worse here in remissionville. I too feel bloated sometimes when I go to bed & I wonder if our digestive system is still healing after the chemo enslaught? I know its not ascites because in the morning my stomach is back to its normal soft flabbyness (fat lol).

    Its fear of the un-certain. We all expect it to return at some point & it is very strnage place to be in as we have not been in this limbo before. My friend is 3 years in remission from PPC and she says it does get better & you think about it less and less.

    Much love Tina xxxxxxxxxx (Cyber screaming is good) xxxxxx
  • Tina Brown
    Tina Brown Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #9
    froggy1 said:

    No Insanity
    Hi Leesa,
    There is no insanity involved here! This journey is an emotional roller coaster. I am supposed to be in "remission," but every little ache and pain wants to make me run to a specialist. I had really bad allergies and was sure I had ascites in my lungs! I went to my PCP and demanded a chest X-ray. It was negative. I have had really bad indigestion lately and 'am sure I have stomach cancer! LOL I want to be monitored every day. How are you supposed to know if it is the "real thing" or not? After all, I am in this mess because some Doctor didn't take me seriously!
    My husband, too, thinks I will NEVER have a recurrence. He keeps telling me I need to think positive and everything will be fine! HA! How many of our dear sisters on this board have thought positive and are no longer with us?
    'Hoping your "ascites" is just the result of getting your appetite back and enjoying some good food!
    Scream away.. Cyber Hugs, Ginny

    I agree Ginny
    Hi Ginny
    Every ache and pain I get I convince myself my cancer is growing again. My husband came with me to my check up and heard a much more positive prognosis to the one I heard. I think I only listened to the negatives but he heard all the positives too.

    Love Tina xx
  • Hissy_Fitz
    Hissy_Fitz Member Posts: 1,834
    #10
    Welcome to my world, Leesa.
    Welcome to my world, Leesa. I admit that one reason I signed up for the year of Taxol maintenance was to get those monthly check-ups and lab work-ups. I am addicted to the CA 125 test results. Plus the no-cancer-for-a-year money back guarantee that almost certainly goes with the maintenance. That was a HUGE incentive.

    My family is just like your husband....praise the Lord and pass the White Zin, Mom's cured. I keep trying to tell them that "remission" and "cure" are NOT the same thing. I feed them statistics every chance I get. Would you like some coffee? How about a cookie? By the way, did you know I have an 80% chance of experiencing a recurrence within the next two years? It does no good. My husband says that he knows I am cured because he prayed that I would be, a truly astonishing statement, considering that the man's religious devotion would barely register on God's Richter scale.

    We worry, of course, that our loved ones will be blind-sided by disappointment and despair. We want to protect them, or at least prepare them. Our reality checks keep bouncing, as it were, thus our need to go into the closet and scream, every now and then.

    My "tumor" turned out to be a large incisional hernia. By the time I found that out, however, my anxiety level was off the chart. Seriously, I don't understand why I'm not throwing up buckets of bright red blood - not from Cancer, but from ulcers.

    It's the first thing I think of every morning, and the last thing at night. Every headache is brain cancer. Every stomach cramp is a bowel obstruction. Can't button your pants? Must be ascites. And a bit of ordinary constipation has to be a recurrence....there is no chance it's just an ordinary bit of constipation, is there? How sad is that?

    Cancer is a war, and we are its soldiers. And nobody understands what it's like to be in the trenches, face-to-face with the enemy, except another Vet. I'm surprised you haven't heard me screaming, all the way from Texas, on several occasions.

    Carlene

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