In Laws

Pennymac02
Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My sister in law didn't call my husband when she found out he had cancer. My normally sweet mother in law was really mad at me for not calling his sister after his first surgery, even though I was calling her and my husbands grown son hourly to give updates, knowing my sister in law eats lunch with mom EVERY day (I figured they'd share info). Tonight I am so offended I could just spit. My sister in law called my husband and demanded that he sign a release of information so she could "explain to the family" just what was happening with his medical care. Am I being too sensitive, because I'm reading "explain to the family" as "check to make sure you're doing it right." FYI--I am a hospital administrator,in addition to my degree I have 2 years of nursing school, and I deal with doctors every day. I know my way around doctors and nurses as well as anyone, and I have been advocating on my husbands behalf with the VA for the past 2 years.

Give me a minute, I know I sound like a rhymes with witch here, they live in Nebraska and we're in Florida, so I'm sure they are concerned. I'll give grace and be sympathetic after I'm done being mad. But really?? NOW? ugh...

Comments

  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #2
    Keep smiling
    That would be hard on anyone, my husband told his brother that he has cancer , and he has never once called him, My husband told his older sister and she has never called. He told his youngest sister and she calls once a month. So I figure they know and to hell-o with them, if they cared they would be here or call.
    I would think your mother in law would have told your sister in law. I am not so sure about giving permission for them to see the records that sounds a little creepy to me. If my husband said yes I would but other wise I would have to say. NO
    Sorry seams we all have to deal with such strange things but it is (not so much for you) good to hear that even in this we are not alone.
    Jennie
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #3
    Keep smiling
    That would be hard on anyone, my husband told his brother that he has cancer , and he has never once called him, My husband told his older sister and she has never called. He told his youngest sister and she calls once a month. So I figure they know and to hell-o with them, if they cared they would be here or call.
    I would think your mother in law would have told your sister in law. I am not so sure about giving permission for them to see the records that sounds a little creepy to me. If my husband said yes I would but other wise I would have to say. NO
    Sorry seams we all have to deal with such strange things but it is (not so much for you) good to hear that even in this we are not alone.
    Jennie
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #4
    here's an idea
    I know your husbands' sister is dealing with his illness in her way, but where do these people get off anyway? Here's an idea. Have your husband sign every kind of release you can find in your file cabinet, and let his sister have the experience of trying to get information from his medical care providers. Install a remote camera on the wall...

    Rather than get tangled up with long phone conversations (we're all peak-of-career busy), my brothers and I do a lot of emails to the family group on things having to do with Mom, our patient. It's pretty hard to get offended that way, and it does the job and helps coordinate on-the-ground primary caregiver duties and such. I think it also nudges brother A to mobilize when he hears that brother B is spending time and energy with Mom, or knows I'm there for a week 24/7, or whatever. People who haven't been through it have no idea how consuming it is to be a cancer family.
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
    #5
    zinniemay said:

    Keep smiling
    That would be hard on anyone, my husband told his brother that he has cancer , and he has never once called him, My husband told his older sister and she has never called. He told his youngest sister and she calls once a month. So I figure they know and to hell-o with them, if they cared they would be here or call.
    I would think your mother in law would have told your sister in law. I am not so sure about giving permission for them to see the records that sounds a little creepy to me. If my husband said yes I would but other wise I would have to say. NO
    Sorry seams we all have to deal with such strange things but it is (not so much for you) good to hear that even in this we are not alone.
    Jennie

    Creepy
    Exactly--just what I was thinking and couldn't put into words--kind of creepy. He told her "No" by the way--and asked her why she thought it was an appropriate request.
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
    #6
    Barbara53 said:

    here's an idea
    I know your husbands' sister is dealing with his illness in her way, but where do these people get off anyway? Here's an idea. Have your husband sign every kind of release you can find in your file cabinet, and let his sister have the experience of trying to get information from his medical care providers. Install a remote camera on the wall...

    Rather than get tangled up with long phone conversations (we're all peak-of-career busy), my brothers and I do a lot of emails to the family group on things having to do with Mom, our patient. It's pretty hard to get offended that way, and it does the job and helps coordinate on-the-ground primary caregiver duties and such. I think it also nudges brother A to mobilize when he hears that brother B is spending time and energy with Mom, or knows I'm there for a week 24/7, or whatever. People who haven't been through it have no idea how consuming it is to be a cancer family.

    E-mails
    I don't know why I didn't think about getting her e-mail address to send her updates. That way I won't have to talk to her much. As for the release/remote camera on the wall, I love it! The Veterans Administration won't even recognize a normal HIPPA release. It has to be one of their government forms. And if your not a patient, it's a dollar a page. I think we all know how many pages a cancer patients chart can be! Watching someone else try to navigate that minefield would be pretty funny!

    My husband was baffled (and a little creeped out) by her request. I didn't push him one way or another; thankfully I kept my irrate response to my posting here. As the night progressed he got more and more irritated by their conversation. It also opened the door for us to have the much needed end of life/will discussion. We are a blended family--three of my sons and one of his, and he's been pretty clear about what he wants me to do in the event that he isn't approved for a liver transplant because of the grim prognosis of his liver cancer. I had an awful visualization of his family swooping in after his passing and challenging everything--we've been married for 8 years, but everyone else in his family has been married for over twenty. Our marraige is the new kid on the block, and so, apparently am I.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #7
    Pennymac02 said:

    E-mails
    I don't know why I didn't think about getting her e-mail address to send her updates. That way I won't have to talk to her much. As for the release/remote camera on the wall, I love it! The Veterans Administration won't even recognize a normal HIPPA release. It has to be one of their government forms. And if your not a patient, it's a dollar a page. I think we all know how many pages a cancer patients chart can be! Watching someone else try to navigate that minefield would be pretty funny!

    My husband was baffled (and a little creeped out) by her request. I didn't push him one way or another; thankfully I kept my irrate response to my posting here. As the night progressed he got more and more irritated by their conversation. It also opened the door for us to have the much needed end of life/will discussion. We are a blended family--three of my sons and one of his, and he's been pretty clear about what he wants me to do in the event that he isn't approved for a liver transplant because of the grim prognosis of his liver cancer. I had an awful visualization of his family swooping in after his passing and challenging everything--we've been married for 8 years, but everyone else in his family has been married for over twenty. Our marraige is the new kid on the block, and so, apparently am I.

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #8
    text messages
    I like the "caring bridge" idea but one that worked for me during my brother's extended illness was to send a daily text message to anyone who wanted to give me their cell phone number. It was like a group email. No cell phone? Give me a call and I'm happy to give you a status but at my convenience. Being a caregiver made me prioritize very quickly and spending time repeating my message of the day was not at the top of the list. Only exception was for our mom, who called multiple times during the day and that was just fine with me since she was too feeble to make it to the hospital to see my brother.
  • vanessat
    vanessat Member Posts: 9
    #9
    Pennymac02 said:

    E-mails
    I don't know why I didn't think about getting her e-mail address to send her updates. That way I won't have to talk to her much. As for the release/remote camera on the wall, I love it! The Veterans Administration won't even recognize a normal HIPPA release. It has to be one of their government forms. And if your not a patient, it's a dollar a page. I think we all know how many pages a cancer patients chart can be! Watching someone else try to navigate that minefield would be pretty funny!

    My husband was baffled (and a little creeped out) by her request. I didn't push him one way or another; thankfully I kept my irrate response to my posting here. As the night progressed he got more and more irritated by their conversation. It also opened the door for us to have the much needed end of life/will discussion. We are a blended family--three of my sons and one of his, and he's been pretty clear about what he wants me to do in the event that he isn't approved for a liver transplant because of the grim prognosis of his liver cancer. I had an awful visualization of his family swooping in after his passing and challenging everything--we've been married for 8 years, but everyone else in his family has been married for over twenty. Our marraige is the new kid on the block, and so, apparently am I.

    I Agree with the emails. I
    I Agree with the emails. I was the caregiver for my Grandma. Emails kept family in the loop without having to have the same conversation three of four times. I used to email everyone once every few days or once a week.

    Hang in there, it's hard having family members on you case when they don't understand what it's like to be the caregiver.

    Vanessa
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    #10
    Noellesmom said:

    text messages
    I like the "caring bridge" idea but one that worked for me during my brother's extended illness was to send a daily text message to anyone who wanted to give me their cell phone number. It was like a group email. No cell phone? Give me a call and I'm happy to give you a status but at my convenience. Being a caregiver made me prioritize very quickly and spending time repeating my message of the day was not at the top of the list. Only exception was for our mom, who called multiple times during the day and that was just fine with me since she was too feeble to make it to the hospital to see my brother.

    My first thought
    My first thought when reading this was - oh screw the in-laws... you have enough to worry about without this krap.

    Then I came back to earth and realized, the reality is, that people care and we have to take the time to deal with them. I like the idea of Caringbridge or regular email updates. My husband is an only child and there's really no one to update on his side of the family. My mother updates my side of the family, so I am fortunate there.

    Hang in there... I guess this is just another part of dealing with this awful beast.
  • lsw52
    lsw52 Member Posts: 3
    #11
    There are so many dimensions of cancer and the relationships with family members can be so emotionally tough. I also recommend setting up a Caring Bridge site. It's been a lifesaver for me and an easy way to keep friends and family updated. It's really helpful in sparing you and your loved one having to go through all the details of treatment, how they're feeling, etc over and over again. When folks ask me for an update I warmly say 'Check the caring bridge site, I updated it recently so that you can stay up to date.' It has helped us a great deal.
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
    #12
    unknown said:

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator

    Wow!
    Thank you so much, Sherri! I am an avid "facebooker" but the Caring bridge site is wonderful. I think it's just what we need. I am so grateful that I found the CSN resources, it's making this journey a lot less confusing and I feel much more plugged in. I'll let you know when the site is up.
    Penny

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