A Sundance Update - News, News, and More News - Gearin' Up for the Next Battle

Well, the Battle is intensifying as we speak, we’re gathering up the forces now and preparing to launch a full scale attack right away – this next month is going to slap the reality right back in my face.

I met with my surgical oncologist this past Friday and we talked about a good many things. It’s not news to me what all he told me, and I saw it coming and knew almost verbatim what he was going to say and what the treatment was going to be – funny though, how even though you know the answers, when you hear them from the onc, it weighs heavily on your mind and soul. Such has been the case again with me.

I suppose it’s the weight of the Reality vs Speculation. And by hearing him talk about it, it further cements in the truth of the matter. The $hit is on – and in a big way. There is no denying it and nowhere to run, except the graveyard should I falter in my attempts.

Dadgumit, folks, I’m tired and worn out after all of these years and it’s a never ending treadmill – just looks like it will never stop for me and it will just go on and on. Break-Recurrence-Surgery-Treatments, until the day I can longer do them.

I think I wrote the other day that I no longer had any ANGRY feelings about any of this. Upon personal reflection this weekend, it appears I was in error. Yeah, I’m mad again and upset. When you hear your wife talking to her sister acknowledging that I might not make it, well that just tears your heart out.

It lets me know that she is understanding the reality of our situation and preparing for life without me at some point. I tried to talk to her and to have her sit there and cry, just rips my guts out. I’ve always tried to portray such strength to her, and also to all of you, that nothing will happen to me and that I will suck down poisons and do surgeries and let them amputate everything but my soul – and that all will be alright.

I’m going to do everything that I can to restore her faith in me, and yours too, and we’re still fighting this in the “curative” mode at this point. I’ve got to fight like I’m still going to walk away from this and leave it behind me. But when will that be? Will it ever be? I don't expect an answer, we'll just see what happens.

After meeting with the onc, it came to my mind for only the 2nd time in my 6+ year journey, that I might not make it, in the long run. That I might eventually succumb, but I try not to weigh too heavily on those thoughts for long. It was a very sobering consult and we talked frankly about life and death, in dealing with this illness...nothing morbid, just being real and factual about it all.

Still, I’ve got a new battle to fight and I’ve got to gear up fast and hard and hit this thing will all of my might. This Cancer is an SOB, who wants my life very badly and it’s going to come down to a battle of wills as to who will overcome.

I’ve never quit on anything in my life, so I don’t plan to here either – gonna go through all of it and see where the dice lands. Somewhow, I feel like this is “Custer’s Last Stand” for me and the biggest battle I’ll wage. If we fail here, then curative begins to slip away and I’ll move to palliative and then, of course, well….

Since this board is a place of refuge, I’m posting my thoughts on what I feel as I gear up for another long battle in the War Against Cancer. I’ m not pitying myself or feeling sorry for myself. These are just my raw thoughts as I’m trying to get my mind right to fight. If I can't talk about it here...then where? I went 5 years without you guys, and do not like to burden you very much, but needed to get this post off my chest and a little bit out of mind.

I’m just trying to show all of you that even a 6+ year veteran of the battle, still has self-doubts about his situation, but yet also the resolve and conviction to soldier on down the trail a little further. I’ m not ready to give in just yet. With all of the years fighting, with all of the surgeries, and with all of the treatments, I finally do understand why some folks have enough of it. I want to think that I can still win and this next chapter in my book, should provide some insight on what I have left to give.

Here’s what going on in the next 3-4 weeks:
1. New power port install (this Wednesday)
2. PET/CT scan
3. Colonoscopy
4. Stereotactic Radiation (probably 3-5 treatments)

Immediately after that, I jump right back into 6 more months of concurrent chemo – this time we’ll be using Folfiri. I’ll be going back on the 48-hour pump in conjunction with this as well.

We’ll also be doing a KRAS mutation test on me – if I’m negative, then we may be doing Erbitux as well. I’m sure he’ll introduce it if this is an option.

So, 2010 is over for me and a 1/3 of 2011 has already rolled out from under me. Such is the nature of this f'in disease. I’ll be back to work after recovering more from the lung surgery, so chemo treatments will be ongoing as I try to work and hold onto my job.

It’s a full plate for sure and very challenging to say the least. I always like to speak to those who are early on in their battles (1-3) years. I read how tired you all are and how you wish it would just go away. You can imagine then how after 6.3 years, that Kim and I are just fed up and what you all want too. These next 6-months are going to get us close to 7-years of actively fighting this thing. It seems very hard to believe - sometimes the numbers just don't soak into the head. On the bright side, I'm still here and battling after this length of time, so I know there are some folks that would like to stand here with me as well.

“When will it end?” “How do you all do it?” I’ve read these posts from many of you and hear your cries for help. How I answer those questions is that this is why I use my life and my cancer as an example for you to see – perhaps you can derive some strength and resolve from some of it. I could have been gone a long time ago, but still just too stubborn to lay down. I hope I never do - I'll fight as long as there is some quality to it all.

Perhaps, Strength and Courage is nothing more than doing what you have to do on any given day.

Well, it’s all moving quickly now as they are jumping all over this, due to the severity and progression of the disease. I’m still recovering from the surgery and now have to put my other armor back on and start taking this nasty radiation and unpleasant tasting cocktails. Why can’t they taste like frozen Margaritas?

I meet with the radiation oncologist next week, but found a write up in a magazine at my other onc’s office. He is one of the leading pioneers in the United States of America on “stereotactic radiation.” Looks like that will be way that I’m going and it looks promising. Probably between 3-5 sessions, but he’ll tell me.

Craig's Reader Digest Version:

Length of Service in Battle: 6.3 years (actively fighting)
Number of Recurrences: 3
Major surgeries: 5 and counting
Number of Times to do Chemo: 3 separate encounters
Number of Times to do Radiation: 3 seperate encounters
Number of Ports I've Had: 3 seperate encounters


Note: If I can do this, then I know that you can as well. Time and Patience will be your allies on your journey towards wellness.

No word on the magazine yet – I’m going to be anxious to see if it’s me or Frankie Vallie on the front cover…I’d go and bet with Frankie on this one…he’s a 60’s legend and I’m just an old used up, cancer ridden man. I’ll be looking forward to seeing who actually won and at least the article will be there. I’ll be trying to get those shipped in and around all of the mess that will be going on.

Peace, Courage, and Strength (to all of you out there)

I’ll get myself together and start getting after it, Pronto!

Just a month out of a major thoracotomy with 2 ribs removed and 5 wedge resections done, along with having my chest wall scraped. You'd think I could get a break and rest? But since the Cancer does not sleep, guess I cannot either.

Tally HO!
-Craig