I am not very good at this grieving business

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  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120 Member
    #22
    ruthelizabeth said:

    OH, it wasn't all beer and skittles
    Don loved his kids so much that dinners for two became dinners for three and four. The youngest came on the honeymoon with us. (Hey, I loved him and I thought it would work. How was I to know she'd beat me up the morning we were leaving? It was an amazing trip.) I cried a whole lot sometimes. I did understand that he loved his kids and I tried my darndest to view it in a good light. And, no, he didn't really understand how I felt. It took a couple of years before he began to spend more time alone with me.

    But I was always available for him and I always loved him. I never criticized little things because he was really so good to me. It continues to floor me when I hear women complaining that their husbands do the laundry the wrong way. I have a friend whose husband is not supposed to touch alchohol for serious medical reasons; her comment: I hate to lose a partner for my evening cocktail, but in a week or so he'll have one with me. Her desire for someone to drink with is more important than his health.

    For some people there's a distinct lack of respect or cherishing that makes me wonder if marriage means the same thing to them as it does to me. And often there's a genuine tone of dislike or antagonism or sarcasm that is really painful to hear.

    And for four months I've been wearing Don's ring with my wedding and engagement rings. It's a little loose, but it fits just fine.

    Yes we are "fantabulous" ladies...
    We have all come a long ways in a little time....if anyone had told me almost four months ago that I would be back working and being productive I never would have believed it....I just knew I was going to crawl into the fetal position and grieve the loss of the better part of myself...but I found out that I am strong...and I will move forward.
    About that meeting someone thing....nah...not likely...Bill was my one and only and even now I don't mind doing things alone...I have him with me anyways....and no guy will ever measure up to him...now were he here he would totally deny that...humble was his middle name....
    But Fay love the story about the couple meeting in a cemetary..thats unique to say the least....but there is a couple in my berevement group that met there and are dating...each to their own.
    But yes we are all totally awesome...this site really helped me to connect with others in my same boat.
    Pat
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #23
    bingles said:

    Yes we are "fantabulous" ladies...
    We have all come a long ways in a little time....if anyone had told me almost four months ago that I would be back working and being productive I never would have believed it....I just knew I was going to crawl into the fetal position and grieve the loss of the better part of myself...but I found out that I am strong...and I will move forward.
    About that meeting someone thing....nah...not likely...Bill was my one and only and even now I don't mind doing things alone...I have him with me anyways....and no guy will ever measure up to him...now were he here he would totally deny that...humble was his middle name....
    But Fay love the story about the couple meeting in a cemetary..thats unique to say the least....but there is a couple in my berevement group that met there and are dating...each to their own.
    But yes we are all totally awesome...this site really helped me to connect with others in my same boat.
    Pat

    Open to Possibilities
    Ok, I did not mean that we were going to go right out and find a new man ( or woman in David's case), I certainly can't imagine doing that. I just meant that I am not going to close out any possibilities. I also don't think we can ever replace the people we had in our lives. In my case, Doug and I were married for 42 years and knew each other 3 years before that. We married when we were 21, grew up together and raised two wonderful boys. Our marriage and life together is part of me. In many ways it defines who I am today. That will never change, but life throws us many curves. I never expected to be a widow at 63 either. At 40 I went back to school and got my teaching credential. A friend of mine who is actually a bit older is now attending seminary. She hadn't expected the call to ministry at this age. I plan to take life one step at a time and stay open to all the possibilities it has to offer. That is how Doug would have wanted me to live. He was my strongest cheerleader when I went back to school. He wanted me to push beyond my comfort zone. I am doing that in so many ways because much of my comfort zone included him. Now I am on my own. We are indeed awesome and strong. We didn't plan to be, but we are. Fay
  • onlyhuman
    onlyhuman Member Posts: 99
    #24
    grandmafay said:

    Open to Possibilities
    Ok, I did not mean that we were going to go right out and find a new man ( or woman in David's case), I certainly can't imagine doing that. I just meant that I am not going to close out any possibilities. I also don't think we can ever replace the people we had in our lives. In my case, Doug and I were married for 42 years and knew each other 3 years before that. We married when we were 21, grew up together and raised two wonderful boys. Our marriage and life together is part of me. In many ways it defines who I am today. That will never change, but life throws us many curves. I never expected to be a widow at 63 either. At 40 I went back to school and got my teaching credential. A friend of mine who is actually a bit older is now attending seminary. She hadn't expected the call to ministry at this age. I plan to take life one step at a time and stay open to all the possibilities it has to offer. That is how Doug would have wanted me to live. He was my strongest cheerleader when I went back to school. He wanted me to push beyond my comfort zone. I am doing that in so many ways because much of my comfort zone included him. Now I am on my own. We are indeed awesome and strong. We didn't plan to be, but we are. Fay

    Open to possibilities and grumbling friends
    Fay
    I agree with you on the matter of new opportunities.

    My husband was also my only boyfriend. I thought we would grow old together. I never expected to lose him after only 11 years of marriage. I definitely never thought I'd be a widow at 36. He used to joke about me moving on and that hurt me a lot because I always thought of myself as a one man woman. After he passed, I was convinced I would spend the rest of my life focussed on my girls and my interests. Over the last month or so I have come to realise that that may not be the case. I can't know what will come my way. I may fall in love again or at the very least find another best friend. I am not currently looking but some day I might be found.
    I have done things this year I never thought I'd be able to and like you I celebrate these little accomplishments. Who knows what other amazing things I will get to do.

    Hubby will always be a part of me but I am going to let that be the part of me that spurs me into action and gets me to live life.

    Sangeeta
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #25
    filimu said:

    David, I'm so sorry for your loss
    I lost my husband 5 years ago, and I remember those first months...my life, as has yours, had just ended. How could all the other people in the world keep acting like nothing had happened? Like things were totally normal? I wanted to scream at everyone in the grocery store, or at the gas station, or wherever I had to go, and I didn't WANT to go anywhere. I just wanted to pull a blanket over my head and never get up again. But there are so many things that will keep you busy those first few months, that your are almost distracted from the total impact of your situation, except when your are at home, alone in the evening. All the tawdry details of wrapping up the paperwork of someone's existance, notifying everyone, arranging everything...it carrys you for a while. Then, suddenly, it's all done, and you realize, it's just you. And that's when it hit me like a brick.

    The funeral home I used had a grief counseling group that I joined, and that helped some, but mostly, it was just time. Time to realize that I needed to remember the good memories, not the bad ones. That he would always be with me as long as I did. That he wanted me to be well, to be able to go on, to survive and eventually be happy again.

    Four years after his death, I met a man I found I could love again. And 2 months after I met him, I had a bad mammogram result. Two months after that, it was diagnosed as cancer, and this whole year has been a whirlwind of several surgeries and doctor visits, but for now, they tell me I'm fine, they got it all. And this man, as new as he was in my life, never left my side. We're engaged now. (He's a cancer survivor as well!)

    I like to think my late husband was watching out for me, and sent me somebody to help me and love me when he knew I'd need it most. I do believe in angels.

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #26
    onlyhuman said:

    Open to possibilities and grumbling friends
    Fay
    I agree with you on the matter of new opportunities.

    My husband was also my only boyfriend. I thought we would grow old together. I never expected to lose him after only 11 years of marriage. I definitely never thought I'd be a widow at 36. He used to joke about me moving on and that hurt me a lot because I always thought of myself as a one man woman. After he passed, I was convinced I would spend the rest of my life focussed on my girls and my interests. Over the last month or so I have come to realise that that may not be the case. I can't know what will come my way. I may fall in love again or at the very least find another best friend. I am not currently looking but some day I might be found.
    I have done things this year I never thought I'd be able to and like you I celebrate these little accomplishments. Who knows what other amazing things I will get to do.

    Hubby will always be a part of me but I am going to let that be the part of me that spurs me into action and gets me to live life.

    Sangeeta

    Inspiration
    You are a real inspiration to me. I think being a single parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world. I love your last line. Fay

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