Need suggestions on handling

EdnaM
EdnaM Member Posts: 30
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
OK sisters how do we handle people like I encountered yesterday?
One dropped in to visit after just now hearing that I had mastectomy April 21, caring, compasionate BUT then said you know my daughter is a 7 year cancer survivor and was told
that cancer is never gone and will resurface another time another place and you eventually die with it. Didn't know how to respond but it irritated the h@A##### out of me. Gee I wonder why I didn't let her know about my cancer sooner, I needed that cheerful outlook.
Don't worry ladies I know her info is way off base - we are suvivors!!!!
Later in day husbands ederly aunt called and was telling me about her grandsons wedding - and doesn't understand why he would have married into a family that has so much cancer. Why would anyone do that? Dah!!! maybe love.
I've tried and succeeded (most of the time) to be positive and now the true thots of people are starting surface!

Comments

  • survives
    survives Member Posts: 254 Member
    #2
    Where do these people come from??
    Edna,

    Just chalk it up to a case of "mouth in motion before brain in gear". I had a cousin basically say that she was "too attached to her breasts to whack hers off like I did, and it's going to come back anyway." This was days after my surgery! I'm still heeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeee!! Four years later!! Imagine that. I don't talk to this woman much any more. No time for Debbie Downers.

    Tell your neighbor my aunt had a radical mastectomy when she was in her late 30's early 40's. Back then, they didn't stage, didn't know the history of the tumor, they just called it breast cancer. Anyway, she's 92! No reoccurance. I have a cousin who is waaaay younger than me and is a twenty year survivor....going strong. So, inform and eudcate your neighbor that not all tumors are the same....not all react the same...just like we are different. We don't react the same to ignorance. Not any more.

    Ummm, if you really want to be me mean, you could tell her and your aunt that just because they are female and have breasts, they are at risk!!! That should do it!! Or, if you want to be just you, just smile and say nothing.

    You said it........WE are the survivors here.
  • Snowkitty
    Snowkitty Member Posts: 295
    #3
    I don't even know what to
    I don't even know what to say. I think I would have had to leave the room.

    Everyone I have told is quite supportive. The guys especially have all told me tales of sisters, cousins, etc who have had cancer and are doing really fine. Not one person, thank God, has been as stupid as your "friend"

    Cindy
  • m_azingrace
    m_azingrace Member Posts: 399
    #4
    Snowkitty said:

    I don't even know what to
    I don't even know what to say. I think I would have had to leave the room.

    Everyone I have told is quite supportive. The guys especially have all told me tales of sisters, cousins, etc who have had cancer and are doing really fine. Not one person, thank God, has been as stupid as your "friend"

    Cindy

    Makes you want to ask...
    "If I kick your butt hard enough, will it force your foot out of your mouth?"

    I'm sure people mean well, but good grief! Some really do try to be positive, but depending where we are in our journey, even that can be a downer. These remarks usually seem to come from people who are on the "fringe of our existance"...who don't know us awfully well, and maybe they are scratching around for some way to engage us in conversation? It's like "Well here we are accidentally in the same room together. We didn't plan it this way. By the way, how's your cancer?"

    THUNK!
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    #5
    m_azingrace said:

    Makes you want to ask...
    "If I kick your butt hard enough, will it force your foot out of your mouth?"

    I'm sure people mean well, but good grief! Some really do try to be positive, but depending where we are in our journey, even that can be a downer. These remarks usually seem to come from people who are on the "fringe of our existance"...who don't know us awfully well, and maybe they are scratching around for some way to engage us in conversation? It's like "Well here we are accidentally in the same room together. We didn't plan it this way. By the way, how's your cancer?"

    THUNK!

    I really think that when
    I really think that when people say stupid stuff to us they are just not thinking. I have had hospital tech's say to me " my sister died from BC " ya I really needed to know that. Maybe no one knows what the heck to say to us.
  • teresa41
    teresa41 Member Posts: 471
    #6
    Kat11 said:

    I really think that when
    I really think that when people say stupid stuff to us they are just not thinking. I have had hospital tech's say to me " my sister died from BC " ya I really needed to know that. Maybe no one knows what the heck to say to us.

    they dont think before they speak
    when i was in the hospital in may for my mastectomy the girl that did my blood draw

    she had to inform me her mom died after she had a mastectomy gee thanks.

    people dont think sometimes maybe they are lost for words im not sure.


    teresa
  • MerleBee
    MerleBee Member Posts: 49
    #7
    It is incredible
    The technician that did my mammogram after my second biopsy felt compelled to tell me about her mother's fight with stage four breast cancer...she seemed to be very emotional and understandably so...I did get angry but not with her...why wouldn't the facility put her in charge of all the "broken toe" x-rays or something. This young woman was clearly in the midst of a personal struggle with her mother's illness and to have her performing mammograms, particularly for women coming out of a biopsy seemed to be insensitive to her as the employee as well as the patients...
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159 Member
    #8
    Compassion took a left turn, and then got lost altogether!
    I know, huh? Why didn't the elderly aunt's grandson marry into a family of epileptics, or mental illness, alcoholism or at least diabetes???? How dare there be so much cancer in the family????

    I am glad that you know better, and that you realize how off base she was!

    Thanks for sharing....as if we didn't know how special we are here on the boards, you have cemented that for us!

    And, for the record, it's absolutely true that you and I and everyone in here will no doubt die....how about at the age of 99+ after a life full of laughter, love and satisfaction???

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • elm3544
    elm3544 Member Posts: 748
    #9
    Ignorance. That's what it
    Ignorance. That's what it is. I'm so sorry you had to listen to that. I have heard alot of awful thoughtless things come out of the mouths of friends and family. They just don't seem to think before they speak.
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
    #10
    elm3544 said:

    Ignorance. That's what it
    Ignorance. That's what it is. I'm so sorry you had to listen to that. I have heard alot of awful thoughtless things come out of the mouths of friends and family. They just don't seem to think before they speak.

    Oh Brother!
    Yes, I'm tired of making excuses for these lame-brains. It's ignorant and insensitive.

    A friend has a 7-year-old little girl and 10-year-old little boy who were coming for dinner after my first chemo. I had already lost all my hair. They were used to seeing me with long hair. I asked my friend if it was okay to answer any questions they had--honestly and directly. She said fine, that she had already told them about my situation. Well, they came to the door, looked at my headscarf, smiled and gave me the biggest hugs. Some adults should learn from kids about feelings and caring for other people.

    We had a beautiful evening!

    Hugs, Renee
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    #11
    missrenee said:

    Oh Brother!
    Yes, I'm tired of making excuses for these lame-brains. It's ignorant and insensitive.

    A friend has a 7-year-old little girl and 10-year-old little boy who were coming for dinner after my first chemo. I had already lost all my hair. They were used to seeing me with long hair. I asked my friend if it was okay to answer any questions they had--honestly and directly. She said fine, that she had already told them about my situation. Well, they came to the door, looked at my headscarf, smiled and gave me the biggest hugs. Some adults should learn from kids about feelings and caring for other people.

    We had a beautiful evening!

    Hugs, Renee

    okay .. the fun and idoits never stop ...
    My mouth is still opened ... I can't beleive the words or comments that 'fall' out of the mouths of normal people.

    Vicki Sam
  • cahjah75
    cahjah75 Member Posts: 2,631
    #12
    Some people just
    don't have any tact! I'm sorry you had to be the recipient of such uncaring comments. Some people will never learn it's best not to say anything unless you have something positive to say in the first place. {{hugs}}
    Char
  • sbmly53
    sbmly53 Member Posts: 1,522
    #13
    Well....
    I had someone ask, while looking directly at my boobs, "which one was it"? I said I forget, give 'em a squeeze & see if you can tell. I felt a small twinge of evil satisfaction.

    Sue
  • kickie
    kickie Member Posts: 85
    #14
    Gosh they wouldn't want me
    I have survied two types of cancer 25 yrs ago hairy cell luekmia and not the boopy thing!!! OH MY... Hey have you ever had someone not drink after you because you know cancer is catching. Funny story i have friend who is black, i drink flavored water that comes in those little packets, so one day i said hey Ruby try this ,take a sip and she said if i do , will i turn white??? I love all people after all we are God's children.
  • cindycflynn
    cindycflynn Member Posts: 1,132 Member
    #15
    sbmly53 said:

    Well....
    I had someone ask, while looking directly at my boobs, "which one was it"? I said I forget, give 'em a squeeze & see if you can tell. I felt a small twinge of evil satisfaction.

    Sue

    LOL!!!
    That was a great response Sue!

    What if they had taken you up on your offer, though???
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #16
    kickie said:

    Gosh they wouldn't want me
    I have survied two types of cancer 25 yrs ago hairy cell luekmia and not the boopy thing!!! OH MY... Hey have you ever had someone not drink after you because you know cancer is catching. Funny story i have friend who is black, i drink flavored water that comes in those little packets, so one day i said hey Ruby try this ,take a sip and she said if i do , will i turn white??? I love all people after all we are God's children.

    just say "yes and many
    just say "yes and many people survive" I was first diagnosed with BC in 1994, I have pretty much learned to ignore the "I know someone stories" but some days it could hit me the wrong way. As the years went by I didnt really share with all people and that was helpful too. I had my second mastectomy a year ago, I have to say all the boob talk gets to me sometimes(not here) as I no longer have any breasts and did not have reconstruction(long story) I am glad they dont think"oh I cant talk about this around her" or even think about me that way, but I am still grieving many things including this. there is nothing I would or would want to say, but I am glad I can talk about it here.(wow I have tears in my eyes)
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
    #17
    carkris said:

    just say "yes and many
    just say "yes and many people survive" I was first diagnosed with BC in 1994, I have pretty much learned to ignore the "I know someone stories" but some days it could hit me the wrong way. As the years went by I didnt really share with all people and that was helpful too. I had my second mastectomy a year ago, I have to say all the boob talk gets to me sometimes(not here) as I no longer have any breasts and did not have reconstruction(long story) I am glad they dont think"oh I cant talk about this around her" or even think about me that way, but I am still grieving many things including this. there is nothing I would or would want to say, but I am glad I can talk about it here.(wow I have tears in my eyes)

    You can't fix stupid. So
    You can't fix stupid. So just laugh at them.
  • 24242
    24242 Member Posts: 1,398 Member
    #18
    ms.sunshine said:

    You can't fix stupid. So
    You can't fix stupid. So just laugh at them.

    Hmmmmmm
    Well, it seems to me it is just much like this site that people tell us when they have lost someone and can truly understand how we must be feeling. I am sorry but sometimes I think half the problem with the world and especially world of cancer, there is as much living as dying. I am so grateful that I was raised in a family that understood that dying isn't a bad word or shouldn't bring these kinds of feelings because truly as much as one there is the other and this thing called life is just half of it.
    I am sorry that words and peoples thoughts can seem stupid to others but I admire the ability to just say what is on their minds and being honest. It bothers me more when people ask us how we feel with no interest in it truly. They only want positivity and only want to hear positive things and this just is not reality.
    I can't help but ask now are there stupid questions then??
    Tara
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143 Member
    #19
    Ugh.
    Yes, we have all encountered these statements. How discouraging. I would be tempted to strike back at her except for the fact that she is probably very worried about her daughter. If she thinks her daughter is doomed, it might be weighing heavily on her -- thus, the insensitivity to you. The elderly aunt, however, is out of line. Why do we marry into families with cancer? Umm, because we want to be married? With 1 in every 2 men and 1 in every 3 women diagnosed with cancer at least once in their lives, it would be difficult to find a family WITHOUT any cancer history. I'm glad you could brush these people off.

    Mimi
  • Betsy13
    Betsy13 Member Posts: 185
    #20
    OR
    pause for a beat and say "Excuse me?" I've had people say stupid things to me
    and when I do this, they just look and me and think about what they've said.
    Then realize...

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