What I found Funny

yes
I've gotten "oh, I love your hair cut"

Sometimes people who do know will pause when they say something like "getting old sucks".

My youngest sister is busy with 2 kids under 2years old. My Mom will say things like 'oh, the next couple of years will go like that and it will all be a memory' I think to myself NOOOO, I don't want time to fly by.

Yes, it makes me sad. Yes, I wish I could freeze time. Sometimes I look at my young children and TRY to see them as teenagers, young men, married with children. It is so tough to imagine that. I look at them and wonder what their lives will be like without me. Sometimes I mourn for my old life back but it is too painful to go there.

I guess I'm feeling wistful.....

bea-mil said:

I know that feeling too
I know that feeling too.
I’ve got my “last picture” when I went for a nice summer walk to the park with my friend. She took a picture of me saying “this is your last picture”, meaning probably last for today and I thought “ maybe you’re right, we don’t see each other that often so who knows maybe it is your last picture of me? “
I thing we are very sensitive to everything that happens around us and every word we listen to.

Nancy, I did that imagining thing about my grandkids.
I love my grandkids so much, easily as much as I loved my own dear children when they were small, since I've spent time with them almost every day of their existence, and was allowed to co-parent in my own special role in their lives. So I decided to do birthday cards and Xmas cards for each of them for each year until they are 18, and then do 'milestone' cards too (graduation, wedding). They always looked forward to major gifts from their "Grammy Linda", and so I wanted to put $100 in a card for them each year. Anyway, in writing the notes I enclosed in each card, I was forced to imagine them at each age: 12, 15, 18. I was surprised how painful that was, and it made me wistful for many days afterwards. I guess I always thought I'd be there to intervene and cushion the inevitable hurts and disappointments; now I don't think I will be. We must both do what we can to make them resilient children; we have time left to do that I believe, don't you?

You know what, Nancy, if not, we're just gonna have to fall into that tiny percentage that surprises everyone and gets cured against all odds!! It could happen. It DOES hapoen! I'd give up my shot at that 5% if I could give it to you, though, dear girl; that's the truth. I think that all the time when I see young mothers in the chemo lounge. How can I pray to be spared when the world needs these young women more than it needs me? Now I'M getting wistful and this thread was supposed to be about FUNNY stuff. Sorry. ((((Nancy)))

kikiz said:

Thank you for letting me
Thank you for letting me know that others feel the same. My twins are 15 and although not as young as Nancy's children, it is hard to think that I may miss their Graduations and other milestones. You noticed I said I laughed till I cried. The laughter was the joy that comes of someone noticing me and not cancer. The tears were for the fact that I probably don't have to worry about being old. What a blessing it is for me to have found a place where others not only understand but validate my feelings. God bless you all today and everyday in our fight.

my sisters
As I lay in my bed after surgery I asked God Why? Why me? Why now? My daughter, my beautiful daugher is only 9. I was 44 when she was born. I knew my time with her was short when I planned her ... but not THIS short. Again I said... All I want is to raise my little girl. Then from nowhere... from everywhere... came THE voice with an answer of these 3 powerful words... AND YOU SHALL. A soft healing calm came over me that felt like it touched my soul. I have had 4 more years... so far.. with my beautiful daughter. Watched her first communion, planned her birthday parties, watched her becoming the beautiful girl/woman she is today. What a miracle. I pray for a miracle for you my sisters... every day. Never under estimate the power of prayer.

lindaprocopio said:

Nancy, I did that imagining thing about my grandkids.
I love my grandkids so much, easily as much as I loved my own dear children when they were small, since I've spent time with them almost every day of their existence, and was allowed to co-parent in my own special role in their lives. So I decided to do birthday cards and Xmas cards for each of them for each year until they are 18, and then do 'milestone' cards too (graduation, wedding). They always looked forward to major gifts from their "Grammy Linda", and so I wanted to put $100 in a card for them each year. Anyway, in writing the notes I enclosed in each card, I was forced to imagine them at each age: 12, 15, 18. I was surprised how painful that was, and it made me wistful for many days afterwards. I guess I always thought I'd be there to intervene and cushion the inevitable hurts and disappointments; now I don't think I will be. We must both do what we can to make them resilient children; we have time left to do that I believe, don't you?

You know what, Nancy, if not, we're just gonna have to fall into that tiny percentage that surprises everyone and gets cured against all odds!! It could happen. It DOES hapoen! I'd give up my shot at that 5% if I could give it to you, though, dear girl; that's the truth. I think that all the time when I see young mothers in the chemo lounge. How can I pray to be spared when the world needs these young women more than it needs me? Now I'M getting wistful and this thread was supposed to be about FUNNY stuff. Sorry. ((((Nancy)))

uplifting
Linda,
Your words are uplifting!!! Yes, I do believe and hope for something to work. Your words are very sweet and moving. Your response brought tears to my eyes.

I have done videos for my kids for birthdays 10, 13, 16, 18, 21. Significant events such as high school grad, college grad, wedding day and even birth of a child. I did a video for them talking about my being diagnosed with cancer and how it impacted us as a family. It was nice to 'talk' to them about it adult to adult. I talk about my hopes and my fears. I've written letters for them. I have journals for them. I even ordered 3 copies of a book called 'mom, tell me one more story' The book is question prompted, fill in the blank for a Mom to write about herself. I'll be honest and say I'm not so good with the writing part. Usually when I have 'down time' I fall asleep. Sometimes I bring the book to chemo with me and write there. It was important for me to do the videos while I look and feel good. I didn't want my videos to show me looking sickly. My oldest child is 23. The other two are 6 (almost 7) and 5.

I often wonder how can I pray to be spared when there are people in the world without food to eat or clean water to drink. Or those babies and children stricken with cancer. I've had a good life; a happy life. I do feel SELFISH praying to be spared; so I don't. I pray for strength; I pray for help.

bea-mil said:

be spared
Nancy,
Only good, sensitive and conscious people like you can bring positive changes around us so please pray to be spared and don’t feel guilty. This is not selfishness. If you are unable to do it for yourself do it for your children and for “those stricken with cancer, and for those people in the world without food to eat or clean water to drink”. Help yourself to help others. Good people must LIVE.
Pray and believe in its power.

I have just read this thread
I have just read this thread and have expereinced a whole range of emotions. I too have been in a conversation with my best friend about the topic "I wonder what we will be doing in 10 years time" She didn't mean to cause me any pain and I don't think it even occured to her BUT I thought "I just hope I am alive in 10 years time" People who have not had a life threatening disease would not consider how precious time is to us.

Leaving behind memories - what a lovely idea. Getting together cards for future birthday must be hard but enorously satisfying, knowing you can do this and knowing it will be a fantastic thing for your children. I keep a journal. It is full of other personal stuff but everytime I go on it I think "I must write a message to my children" So now I am inspired. I will write something for my children - a kind of diary in the hope that it will offer them comfort when & if I die. ANYWAY I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish. My children are 24 & 28 and my dearest wish to be a grandma.

It is not selfish to want to live. To be honest, dying is easy (I don't mean to be disrespectful of course it is hard) - you just go to sleep. It is hard to be the ones left behind and that is the reason I don't want to die. I don't want to cause my children, family & friends pain. I am not scared to die, I just don't want to die...............just yet.