Help My Daughter

Nat1000
Nat1000 Member Posts: 40
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I am 60yr's. old with stage 3 breast cancer, & going through chemo at the moment. My problem is what to do with my 30yr old daughter, and 32yr old son. They aren't handling this well at all. My daughter is being very brave, & strong around me, but when she's away she is falling apart. She & I are so close, that one time we even had the same dream, at the same time, & night. Now that freaked both of us out, she started telling me her dream, when I all the sudden I finished it for her.

Anyway, I can't explain to you how I know this, but I'm going to die within the year. I've known for about 6mo., & I'm not the least bit afraid. Because during these last month's God has been getting me ready, and giving me strength to do what needs to be done, with my family. Everybody (my brother's,sister's, niece's,&friends) are getting close again, they're praying more, talking to each other more, being nice & telling each other I Love You, before hanging up the phone. It's kind of comical to watch them trying to run from there own mortality. But it's wonderful seeing everybody come together, because I've been praying for this to happen for the last 7yrs. It's too bad that it took cancer to make it so, I'm just happy I got to see it.

I'm sorry for this long post, but this is the 1st time I've gotten to speak freely about things. Back to my daughter. I think that she has that same feeling I have about my death (I told her nothing, I even lied and said "don't worry I'll be fine,")because she stays a nervous wreck, calls me 3times a day, & is falling apart (secretly, she thinks). And I'm so worried, & I was wondering if you can tell me about a support group for your children. My son needs one too, even though he's acting in a completely different way. He's very angry at me, and acts hateful, and makes me cry. He is now a 7yr. old, who is staying away, & ignoring me. I just don't know how to help them. Can somebody on here help?

Thank you, Nat

Comments

  • cavediver
    cavediver Member Posts: 607
    #2
    Please do not give up on
    Please do not give up on yourself.... I too have Stage 3 and do not plan on dying. I don't know why you are convinced you will...but I think the best way you can help your children is to fight and live! That being said, I do want you to know I have a grown son also, and it is hard on our children. There are family support groups, but remember, for a support group to work/help, the participant must want to get help. It does not seem that your son is up to this yet. It is clear how much you love your children.... I don't know what to say to help you or the situation, but that you have to be strong for them now as well and not give up on yourself! Please fight this..........follow your treatment plan...your son and daughter need you more than a support group at this time. Cyber hugs being sent you way
  • sweetvickid
    sweetvickid Member Posts: 459 Member
    #3
    Don't give up
    When I researched triple negative breast cancer I thought, "Well that is it for me." My oncologist informed me that Death is not an option for me. Talk with your oncologist! As far as your children your treatment center should have a support group if not contact your American Cancer Society.

    I know when my Mother was diagnosed 8 years ago with Breast Cancer I freaked out completely. It wasn't until I talked with her Oncologist and he explained everything to me that I calmed down.
  • meena1
    meena1 Member Posts: 1,003
    #4
    sweetvickid said:

    Don't give up
    When I researched triple negative breast cancer I thought, "Well that is it for me." My oncologist informed me that Death is not an option for me. Talk with your oncologist! As far as your children your treatment center should have a support group if not contact your American Cancer Society.

    I know when my Mother was diagnosed 8 years ago with Breast Cancer I freaked out completely. It wasn't until I talked with her Oncologist and he explained everything to me that I calmed down.

    I am not sure why you are
    I am not sure why you are insistant that you are going to die in a year, maybe it is your negative attitude that is upsetting your daughter and keeping your son away. You are stage 3, and the prognosis for stage 3 is very good. There are several stage 4 woman, including me, who would not get on this board and say that we were going to die soon! Please talk to a doctor about your feelings, there maybe something he can do for you, or maybe you can find a mental health professional to speak to. I am sure that your children are picking up on your negativity. In order to beat this, you must have a positive attitude. If your oncologist has a social worker, she may be able to refer you to a support group, most large hospitals have one. Take care.
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    #5
    Try calling the ACS number
    Try calling the ACS number on this site. They might be able to give you info on support groups for your children. You could also ask your doctor or nurses.
  • Hubby
    Hubby Member Posts: 325
    #6
    Are you are having a
    Are you are having a premonition about your death? Premonitions are least accurate when they are about yourself and they are usually things that can be changed.

    I feel for your kids; my mom died from cancer when I was 35 and I never really got past it until my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. I don't think you are ever too old to need your parents, and for me, my mother's death was much more traumatic than my father's was.

    Maybe they need to post here or on some other message board. Or maybe they can use each other as support. Falling apart like your daughter is doing is a normal reaction, your sons anger is more bothersome. She will get over it, having spent enough time with you. Your son will have many unresolved issues.

    Hugs

    Bob
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
    #7
    Marcia527 said:

    Try calling the ACS number
    Try calling the ACS number on this site. They might be able to give you info on support groups for your children. You could also ask your doctor or nurses.

    I agree with all the others
    I'm Stage IIIc and I'm not givin' up--not by a long shot! There are too many wonderful, beautiful things to live for--especially my family and friends. Don't surrender--winners never quit. The universe has a way of bringing you what you ask for--so, I'm asking that you try to change your thinking. Think of all the things in your life worth fighting for, and fight, fight, fight!

    I'm pulling for you!

    Hugs and prayers, Renee
  • mariam_11_09
    mariam_11_09 Member Posts: 691 Member
    #8
    I always knew I would get

    I always knew I would get breast cancer. It was not a negative thought, I didn't react to that knowing either other than think I wouldn't get it until I was in my 60s. It came 20 years early. I also knew I could die from this cancer, not just because of a statistic but something deep within. I am stage 3a. That too, wasn't because of negative thoughts but it did get me to realise that although I too was not scared of death I did not want to leave right now. Now, 8 months into treatment, I do feel my prognosis is good and I have a long life ahead and this is not from what the doctors have told me.

    You and your daughter have a strong bond and although you have 'lied' to her she will know what is going on. My daughter is 11 and I can't lie to her about anything, she knows when I am and so I have to be honest with her. Maybe if you get her to talk to you about how she feels and what is going on for her, this might open the door. I am not sure how you know she is falling apart when not around you.

    I know with my mom too, she has a really hard time with my cancer, harder than me. I tried to talk to her about it but she didn't want to reveal too much, she wanted to be strong for me and I appreciate that. I also realised that her 'having a hard time' with my cancer is something for her deal with, I can't deal with it for her. The best I can do is deal with my own emotions so I don't fall apart.

    Your son, I don't know, perhaps you can seek some counseling. It must feel sad that you don't get to see your grandson.

    It might be good to seek some professional help, or find a support group to go to in person or talk to your doctor about this. I know mine always asks how things are at home as he sees this as an important part of ones wellbeing.

    I wish you well. God bless.
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #9
    Kids
    It does not matter how old they are they are still our kids and can easily revert back to grade school age when they feel fear. Let them know how much you love them and show it by fighting to remain here with them. It sounds as though you have a strong faith, perhaps you feel God has let you know you may die in the coming year as I am unsure how you could know this as a fact. It could be God warning you to not give in to this cancer because if you do you may die, a warning rather than a fact. Stage 3 is scary yes but manageable, my mother lived for many many years with cancer even though she would have to battle it periodically. I myself was a stage 4 in "99" so know that there is hope and that your time here on earth could be much more than just a year. Fight to stay with your children and to enjoy watching them grow as the adults you helped to create. Know that we are here for you Nat, you can ask us just about anything and we are a great sounding board. My best to you!

    RE
  • mwallace1325
    mwallace1325 Member Posts: 806
    #10
    You can't give up
    You can't give up for so many reasons. I was also stage IIIa a little over a year ago. It's not a death sentence. You didn't mention what type of cancer (mine was IDC) but no matter what, you have to fight to win this battle.
    I also have two kids 38 and 37, and six grandkids, two of whom my husband and I are raising. I plan to dance at the weddings of most if not all of them - (one's only six months old) and be around to spoil some great grandkids.
    It's wonderful that your family is getting along but that's not necessarily a premonition of your death. Maybe they're just growing up, maybe your diagnosis is showing them what they're doing wrong, but whatever you can be around for years to come.
    Please keep fighting, it's a battle you can win.


    marge
  • Nat1000
    Nat1000 Member Posts: 40
    #11
    mwallace1325 said:

    You can't give up
    You can't give up for so many reasons. I was also stage IIIa a little over a year ago. It's not a death sentence. You didn't mention what type of cancer (mine was IDC) but no matter what, you have to fight to win this battle.
    I also have two kids 38 and 37, and six grandkids, two of whom my husband and I are raising. I plan to dance at the weddings of most if not all of them - (one's only six months old) and be around to spoil some great grandkids.
    It's wonderful that your family is getting along but that's not necessarily a premonition of your death. Maybe they're just growing up, maybe your diagnosis is showing them what they're doing wrong, but whatever you can be around for years to come.
    Please keep fighting, it's a battle you can win.


    marge

    I'd like to think I'm very strong
    Guys,guys,guys,
    Boy did I come across wrong in my post! I will never stop fighting my cancer,"giving up" isn't even in my vocabulary! Bob, & Mariam, you came closest to understanding how I know I'm dying. And it has nothing to do with cancer.By the way Mar,I am so sorry that you had to get it at such an young age,& with your daughter only being 11. Be very proud of yourself,& all you other people on here are my hero's, God bless YOU!
    God let me know about a yr. ago, in a way that was so loud inside,that you couldn't mistake it! He did everything but show me a burning bush!And It was way before I knew about my cancer.He didn't let me know how.

    My family & I have this gift, (it scared a lot of guys,when we were young & dating)We thought it was funny scaring these big 6'2 guys, by telling them what they were thinking,&going to say,after they only said one word.Anyway that's what I meant about my daughter already knowing, she can feel it too.And I see her all the time, it's my son that's staying away. She's a rock while around me,then falling apart at her place. Part II next. Nat
  • Nat1000
    Nat1000 Member Posts: 40
    #12
    Nat1000 said:

    I'd like to think I'm very strong
    Guys,guys,guys,
    Boy did I come across wrong in my post! I will never stop fighting my cancer,"giving up" isn't even in my vocabulary! Bob, & Mariam, you came closest to understanding how I know I'm dying. And it has nothing to do with cancer.By the way Mar,I am so sorry that you had to get it at such an young age,& with your daughter only being 11. Be very proud of yourself,& all you other people on here are my hero's, God bless YOU!
    God let me know about a yr. ago, in a way that was so loud inside,that you couldn't mistake it! He did everything but show me a burning bush!And It was way before I knew about my cancer.He didn't let me know how.

    My family & I have this gift, (it scared a lot of guys,when we were young & dating)We thought it was funny scaring these big 6'2 guys, by telling them what they were thinking,&going to say,after they only said one word.Anyway that's what I meant about my daughter already knowing, she can feel it too.And I see her all the time, it's my son that's staying away. She's a rock while around me,then falling apart at her place. Part II next. Nat

    worried about my kids
    When I found out that I had breast cancer,it scared the bajeevees out of me,& I'm scared every day. Because of the unknown, I don't know how sick I'll be, or what it'll do to me tomorrow!I have to get chemo every wk. for 5mo., then a lumpectomy,then radiation, then chemo again! Will it hurt,will it make me too sick for my grandbaby? The scary part is not knowing what's next!And the doc said I might still need a total mestecomy after all that. I said I wasn't scared to die(when it's my time)but I am afraid of pain,& limb loss! Losing a breast is like losing a limb that you've had all your life.

    I found a support group this morning(after you told me how)for my daughter,I called & told her the name&#, but she didn't sound ready. I'm trying to take care of the loose ends,before I get sick. I've only been getting treatments,ouh,got a port last wk. for a mo.,&my kids,&the whole family are still in cancer denial. Making me take care of there depression,when I need to be taking of cancer. I can't do both with 6 of them always scared sh**%###tless,but I'll give it a try. Thanks for listening to me again.Sorry to bore you to death! God bless all of you!Tues.Is chemo day.
    Nat
  • sweetvickid
    sweetvickid Member Posts: 459 Member
    #13
    Nat1000 said:

    worried about my kids
    When I found out that I had breast cancer,it scared the bajeevees out of me,& I'm scared every day. Because of the unknown, I don't know how sick I'll be, or what it'll do to me tomorrow!I have to get chemo every wk. for 5mo., then a lumpectomy,then radiation, then chemo again! Will it hurt,will it make me too sick for my grandbaby? The scary part is not knowing what's next!And the doc said I might still need a total mestecomy after all that. I said I wasn't scared to die(when it's my time)but I am afraid of pain,& limb loss! Losing a breast is like losing a limb that you've had all your life.

    I found a support group this morning(after you told me how)for my daughter,I called & told her the name&#, but she didn't sound ready. I'm trying to take care of the loose ends,before I get sick. I've only been getting treatments,ouh,got a port last wk. for a mo.,&my kids,&the whole family are still in cancer denial. Making me take care of there depression,when I need to be taking of cancer. I can't do both with 6 of them always scared sh**%###tless,but I'll give it a try. Thanks for listening to me again.Sorry to bore you to death! God bless all of you!Tues.Is chemo day.
    Nat

    You know I have a friend who
    You know I have a friend who had the same thing. 4 months later when she was diagnosed with colon cancer she was sure she would die. She didn't.Instead her life changed 160 degrees. Husband left her she moved across the US met a wonderful man and remarried. She says now that God was telling her that her old life was dying but he would give her a new and better life.
  • sweetvickid
    sweetvickid Member Posts: 459 Member
    #14
    Nat1000 said:

    worried about my kids
    When I found out that I had breast cancer,it scared the bajeevees out of me,& I'm scared every day. Because of the unknown, I don't know how sick I'll be, or what it'll do to me tomorrow!I have to get chemo every wk. for 5mo., then a lumpectomy,then radiation, then chemo again! Will it hurt,will it make me too sick for my grandbaby? The scary part is not knowing what's next!And the doc said I might still need a total mestecomy after all that. I said I wasn't scared to die(when it's my time)but I am afraid of pain,& limb loss! Losing a breast is like losing a limb that you've had all your life.

    I found a support group this morning(after you told me how)for my daughter,I called & told her the name&#, but she didn't sound ready. I'm trying to take care of the loose ends,before I get sick. I've only been getting treatments,ouh,got a port last wk. for a mo.,&my kids,&the whole family are still in cancer denial. Making me take care of there depression,when I need to be taking of cancer. I can't do both with 6 of them always scared sh**%###tless,but I'll give it a try. Thanks for listening to me again.Sorry to bore you to death! God bless all of you!Tues.Is chemo day.
    Nat

    Tell the family to deal with it.
    My sister did a big freak out and I finally had to jump her and tell her to deal with it or stay away from me. Shocked her and hurt her feelings but when she got it together she apologized and said she realized it was not my job to make her feel better.
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    #15
    23 yrs
    Don't sell yourself short! I had Stage 3 twenty-three yrs ago. I am now Stage 4 (mets to bone last year after a 22 yr remission), but I am planning on going at least another 23 yrs! I would first consider some help for yourself as that will help you with yourself and your relationships. You need someone just for you--someone you can speak freely to.

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