Has anyone else gone through this as well

MRivera0929
MRivera0929 Member Posts: 13
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
Hi everyone. My mother currently has stage 4 breast cancer that has metastasized to the lungs. Her battle has been long and drawn out; it's been almost 16 years of on and off cancer. I've been my mom's primary caregiver since the age of 12 and am feeling like I am loosing her. She has always been sensitive to cancer treatments and the last chemotherapy caused pulmonary toxicity. Since then the treatments she has received have not helped in the cancer battle. The cancer just keeps growing. I feel we are at a point where her oncologist is just not doing enough to keep her alive. I have suggested she get a second opinion. My concern not only stems from my own observations but from concerns my mom has vocalized herself. I thought UCSD's Moores Cancer Center might have a knowledgable doctor and perhaps more treatment options. I did research, gave my mom the information, and I find myself hitting a brick wall. She does not want to go. I don't want to force her to do anything she is not comfortable with. I've told her to at least get an opinion from someone else. If she's not comfortable she doesn't have to stay with the new doctor. At first she expressed interest in seeing someone else and when it came time to move forward she seems to be backing down. I honestly feel that her current doctor is just not doing enough and if she stays she will die. How do I help someone that is too afraid to move forward? Or is this just her way of telling me she is tired after almost 16 years of fighting?

Comments

  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #2
    she knows
    My gosh, what a coming of age you have had, growing up as a caregiver daughter. It's such a special job, but such a hard one.

    After all these years, your mother knows her way around oncology, and you may have hit the nail on the head with your last sentence. When is "keeping alive" the same as "prolonging suffering and death?" Your mother probably knows things in her heart that you don't, and she gets to call the shots.

    Sounds like you've done what you can do in terms of second opinion, and you'll have to let it go. Stage 4 with lung mets is not good. Turn on your love machine, and keep it running 24/7. Maybe someone else will give advice that's more what you want to hear...
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120 Member
    #3
    Barbara53 said:

    she knows
    My gosh, what a coming of age you have had, growing up as a caregiver daughter. It's such a special job, but such a hard one.

    After all these years, your mother knows her way around oncology, and you may have hit the nail on the head with your last sentence. When is "keeping alive" the same as "prolonging suffering and death?" Your mother probably knows things in her heart that you don't, and she gets to call the shots.

    Sounds like you've done what you can do in terms of second opinion, and you'll have to let it go. Stage 4 with lung mets is not good. Turn on your love machine, and keep it running 24/7. Maybe someone else will give advice that's more what you want to hear...

    Maybe she is doing it for you....
    16 yrs is a heck of a battle...and she is the one having gone though the physical pain and discomfort of treatment and all without real solid success....
    You have been an awesome daughter...you fought your own battle..but seems to me that is time to shift your focus.
    Any cancer with mets is not good....and she most likely knows what her future holds and maybe feels that she needs to have some quality of life now...without the horrific side effects of treatments.
    You can't make her take more treatment...but you can support her choice to not take any more treatment...thats a tough one.
    My husband got diag. way too late and was only offered pallitive treatment....part of me wanted to push him to take it...if it meant having him longer...but he didn't want it...that was not living to him and I respected his choice and lost him six weeks later...but we did it his way.
    Give the her solid comfort in knowing that you will support her and love her no matter what she choses.
    Your in a really tough space right now...and the crossroads sort of...
  • abrub
    abrub Member Posts: 2,174 Member
    #4
    I used to think I wanted all measures to keep me alive
    I used to think that I'd want them to do anything and everything to keep me alive. However, having been through cancer treatment (multiple chemos) I now know that I would not want to go for a "maybe" treatment. There is a fate worse than death, and that is living in extreme suffering. I've told my family that if/when I reach that stage, that we stop treatment, and let me go. (I was unable to complete my prescribed chemos because of the side effects.)

    Your mother may have reached that point, where quality of life is more important than quantity. It's hard to "give up" but your mom is not giving up. She may be facing reality. As was said elsewhere, love her, support her, make sure she's comfortable and has what makes her happy.

    The thought of losing your mother is heartbreaking, but you also don't want her to suffer. You are a kind, caring, loving daughter, who has grown up under the most difficult of circumstances. Take care of yourself as well.

    Alice
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #5
    Be There
    You have been a wonderful daughter to care for your mom all these years. It sounds like she has bought a lot of time through treatment and care. My husband bought six years through treatment, but the time came when we had to accept that more treatment would only prolong the suffering. He had a wonderful last few weeks. Through hospice we were able to control most of the pain. He visited with family and friends, and we were even able to take a short trip. The decision is now your mon's. You will need to be there for her whatever her decision might be. I know that that is hard. As caregivers we are torn between wanting to fix our loved ones to keep them with us longer and wanting to see them find peace and freedom from pain. One of the hardest things I have ever done was tell my husband that it was alright to let go. He didn't give up as much as he accepted that God had other plans for him. Please, don't waste a lot of the precious time you have with your mother chasing a cure if that is not what she wants to do. At stage 4 cures are often not possible. I know that that may not be a reality you are willing to accept right now, but your mother may have already accepted it. Stand by her, love her, and support her whatever her choices may be. Know that you have done your best. I am sure your mother knows that. You have shown her that you love her in so many ways. Trusting her to make the right decision for her is perhaps the greatest way of showing her that you love her. Take care, Fay

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