?

leesag
leesag Member Posts: 621 Member
edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
So, I know I'll regret this posting tomorrow when I wake up and feel better but...


my CA125 is 14 and my CTscan is clear.....so.....


Why can't I stop crying tonight?


Thank you for at least reading this. I'm sure I'll be totally embarrassed tomorrow that I posted this, but I knew that you guys would "get it" even though my family doesn't.

Hugs,

Leesa

Comments

  • kathryn1
    kathryn1 Member Posts: 88 Member
    #2
    normal
    It's normal to feel like crying after you're done with chemo. You've been thru so much!

    Now that you're done with treatments, you can feel like your safety net is gone. Also, you had the treatments to keep you in fight mode. You need to think of things to do for yourself, make an anticancer plan :) You will feel better and cry some more.

    I've been out of treatment since Nov. and still cry sometimes, just not as often.

    Hugs, Kathryn
  • pambakercity
    pambakercity Member Posts: 15
    #3
    I am so glad about your scan
    I am so glad about your scan and your numbers.

    I know for me I had real..very real separation issues. Being so closely watched with blood test and seeing my doc every other week and then------see you in three months. Happy and very scared all at one time. Don't know if this is you, but I wish you all the best in your process of getting answers. Pam
  • kikiz
    kikiz Member Posts: 94
    #4
    Nutcase
    Get it. I spent all yesterday crying and raging like a 3 year old to Mom about this disease. My count is a 10 and I have been NED 10 Months. So I fly to California to see my family, have a great vacation and turn into a nutcase. My mom said it best to me.
    She said as women, mothers and survivors, we are constantly fighting and staying strong for everyone else and to beat this so when we can finally put down are guard, it all falls to pieces. When we are in FIGHT Mode, we don't have time to cry.

    Hugs and total understanding,
    Lori
  • lindaprocopio
    lindaprocopio Member Posts: 1,980 Member
    #5
    kikiz said:

    Nutcase
    Get it. I spent all yesterday crying and raging like a 3 year old to Mom about this disease. My count is a 10 and I have been NED 10 Months. So I fly to California to see my family, have a great vacation and turn into a nutcase. My mom said it best to me.
    She said as women, mothers and survivors, we are constantly fighting and staying strong for everyone else and to beat this so when we can finally put down are guard, it all falls to pieces. When we are in FIGHT Mode, we don't have time to cry.

    Hugs and total understanding,
    Lori

    Cry? Because it never ever REALLY goes away in our heads.
    I think of cancer like some kind of buzzing noise in the background that you get used to and really don't hear most of the time, but it slowly grates on your nerves, endlessly grinding away at you, without you really knowing it, and never really ever stops, always there.

    Until the buzzing stops you don't realize how unrelenting it was.

    Sometimes a good cry is called for. We're entitled!

    Then the sun shines again and we push on.

    ((((hugs))))
  • kikz
    kikz Member Posts: 1,345 Member
    #6
    crying
    Please don't feel embarrassed. I am going in for my second infusion of my three round post-surgery chemo. I have already been thinking about when I am done with treatment and worry about not being so completely under doctor's care. Now when I experience my crying (I know I will because I am a cryer) I will remeber your message and know it's ok. Continued health to you, you are the good news we all hope and pray for.

    Luv, Karen
  • leesag
    leesag Member Posts: 621 Member
    #7
    I knew I could count on all
    I knew I could count on all of my ladies here to understand. My husband doesn't get it. I just needed to vent a little to people who do.

    Thank you all!

    Hugs,

    Leesa
  • froggy1
    froggy1 Member Posts: 205
    #8
    In the same place
    I have just been given my three month "vacation." My CA125 is 9, but for me it is not good since it used to be 6! My GYN, says no big deal. My CT was clear. I feel in total disarray, no labs, no doc vists, no chemo. I am convinced something is already growing!.
    To top it off, my insurance plan may drop my Docs and Hospital August 15th..so I'm not sure what to do. They will not continue me, saying I am not in treatment anymore(How ironic!) If I still were in chemo, I would get a continuance of care.
    Everybody says I should be jumping for joy. They think this is the end of all this. Ha! There is always that lucky one who never recurrs. I wish I could believe I am the one, but have strong doubts.....
    This is am emotional roller coaster...and I'm getting motion sickness already! LOL
  • cancer survivor x 4
    cancer survivor x 4 Member Posts: 177
    #9
    Crying
    Leesa,
    We have all cried buckets of tears. Even fell to our knees and sobbed. You have just been through a huge trauma. As time goes by, things will get better. I am almost 14 monthes out. I still worry. Everytime I get that blood draw, I feel sick waiting for the results, but right now while you are well, live your life to the fullest. Please don't ever be embarrassed. We all understand. We have all walked in your shoes. Be positive and be happy. Luv Ya, Paula
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #10
    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • MK_4Dani
    MK_4Dani Member Posts: 314
    #11
    I Get It
    Same reason people cry when they accomplish something that was hard...football players winning the superbowl, marathon runners at the finish line.

    You just finished something that was very hard...physically, emotionally, etc.

    Your a winner!
    Interestingly..I was thinking about you last night...glad for you being NED.
    Hugs to you...
    Mary
  • Hissy_Fitz
    Hissy_Fitz Member Posts: 1,834
    #12
    Me, too!
    I experienced the same thing - and still do. I think it's because while you are doing active treatment, you know you are getting better. You can see the CA125 going down, down, down. The chemo makes you feel like crap, so it's got to be kicking the sh*& out of the cancer cells, right? Remission is just around the corner.

    Then, all of a sudden, you're there. You're dancing with NED. So you celebrate! Yea me!

    But after the champagne goes flat and the pizza is all gone, you get to thinking....all I have to look forward to now is the recurrence that the statistics say will be coming my way. Will it take a year? Six months? Will I respond as well, next time around? Will I respond at all? What if I don't respond? What if it spreads to my lungs....my liver?

    I have these days/nights (usually 4 AM) and I know exactly what you mean. My family thinks I'm nuts. And I, in turn, think they are in denial. All they hear is "remission" and "no evidence of disease". Mom's cured! I knew you could beat this thing, Mom.

    They don't get it. I'm not sure my doctor gets it. I think, unless it happens to you, you are destined not to understand.

    Next time, go to FaceBook and see if any of your cancer sisters are online. Or send me a CSN message and I will give you my cell phone number. We can text all night. I don't have to get up the next morning, and neither do you.

    Hugs, kiddo....
    Carlene
  • BonnieR
    BonnieR Member Posts: 1,526 Member
    #13
    Hugs
    Hi Leesa,

    As you see by all the posts you are very very normal. You just went from a fight mode to now what. To me it is a bit like a soldier who comes from battle, such an adjustment, but you will make it. If the crying becomes overwhelming I know lots of people take a anti depressant for a bit. One would think it would be during the fight, but it is almost always after we finished with treatment, go figure huh.

    Anyway just wanted to chime in that you are in a very normal place, have a good relief cry and then get on with living life to the fullest.

    Hugs ♥ Prayers Bonnie
  • hockeygolf7
    hockeygolf7 Member Posts: 52
    #14
    Hi all, just wanted to add
    Hi all, just wanted to add my two cents. I cried so hard yesterday, I made my self sick. I just lost an uncle who was fighting cancer and it hit me so hard I was emotionally lost for awhile. But today I feel better and am able to cope. Maybe the crying was a good thing, because I had been keeping it all in. I am also NED and being checked every 3 months. I go again on Aug. 4th. My anxiety level is at a 10 for sure. I know that you all understand and that helps a lot. Thanks to all of you for just being you.
    Elaine
  • clamryn
    clamryn Member Posts: 508
    #15
    Tears
    "You have a right". One day when I fell apart, my oldest son had called and I was telling him I am losing it. He said, "Mom, you have a right. So cry." No one knows unless they experience this what all the ups and downs do to us.

    I am crying with you Leesa.

    I am sending you a hug.
    Linda
  • msfanciful
    msfanciful Member Posts: 559
    #16
    Hi Leesa,
    I know where you
    Hi Leesa,

    I know where you are coming from all too well also...

    First of all, congratulations again on your positive results. Yippee!

    For me, this crying spell began when after successfully winning each round against this cancer, it's like that quiet moment when it dawns on me; "wow, I just won this round to save my life". For me I believe my crying is that sigh of relief of winning such a terrifying battle after coming out of my fight mode.

    No, I don't think you will be embarrassed about this posting at all, because it's a concern that we all can relate to; in fact, thanks for posting it.

    Sharon
  • Mawty
    Mawty Member Posts: 133
    #17
    msfanciful said:

    Hi Leesa,
    I know where you
    Hi Leesa,

    I know where you are coming from all too well also...

    First of all, congratulations again on your positive results. Yippee!

    For me, this crying spell began when after successfully winning each round against this cancer, it's like that quiet moment when it dawns on me; "wow, I just won this round to save my life". For me I believe my crying is that sigh of relief of winning such a terrifying battle after coming out of my fight mode.

    No, I don't think you will be embarrassed about this posting at all, because it's a concern that we all can relate to; in fact, thanks for posting it.

    Sharon

    Crying
    Leesa,

    Thanks for posting this. My CA-125 is in the normal range at 24. The chemo is working, although I have to take it the rest of my life. But last night I just started crying for no reason. Caught me by surprise. I think Linda said it bet. Go back to her post and read that a couple of times. At least I think she put it in words that really speak to me. It's always in the back of your head and then it comes to the fore. All the ladies had really good things to say.

    Don't ever feel bad about crying. I always tell my husband I need the permission from him to cry and get angry and it's nothing about him. He has such a hard time when I cry. But it has to happen.

    Marty
  • Tina Brown
    Tina Brown Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #18
    I so get it
    Leesa I so get it :) I think I posted something similar myself when I had the good news. Its like an anticlimax and a relief all rolled into one. You will also have a bit of fear lurking somewhere in your subconcious that the cancer will come back. I am just over 4 months post chemo and I sometimes worry that it will come back. I guess it is all kind of normal. The thing is....... the hospital systems with the doctors, nurses etc are really very good at treating the cancer but there is nothing to offer us POST chemo? I have decided to have counselling & I start on Wednesday.

    Just smile and say to yourself I am done with chemo & look forward to your hair growing back. Tina xx
  • Tina Brown
    Tina Brown Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #19
    lindaprocopio said:

    Cry? Because it never ever REALLY goes away in our heads.
    I think of cancer like some kind of buzzing noise in the background that you get used to and really don't hear most of the time, but it slowly grates on your nerves, endlessly grinding away at you, without you really knowing it, and never really ever stops, always there.

    Until the buzzing stops you don't realize how unrelenting it was.

    Sometimes a good cry is called for. We're entitled!

    Then the sun shines again and we push on.

    ((((hugs))))

    Hi Linda
    Linda, I just love your analogy. The buzzing it is so true.........I will remember that & quote it to my friends who don't always understand. I cry alot.............the tears fill the void :)

    Tina xx

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