Just venting

allysak
allysak Member Posts: 1
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My mom was diagnosed with Stage 2 Ovarian Cancer. They found it earlier which is amazing and she has a pretty good chance of survival but things are still so hard. I am 20 years old and we found out in mid June and thankfully I am home from school for the summer. I have kinda taken over the role of mom since my mom isn't really able to for now. Not only that but I took over our family business which she used to run of teaching art to kids. I have been working really long days and have been coming home to take care of her clean and cook. She started chemo last monday and this week has been really bad. She is still not feeling good today and she is so depressed. It is just so hard to see her this way and I am kinda the one she opens up to so she has been crying a lot and venting a lot to me. I have two older sisters but they both don't live her and really aren't able to help. I also have a younger sister who is 16 but she spends every moment of her free time with friends and out of the house. I know its just her way of dealing with things but it just leaves a lot for me to have to take care of. My dad has been great but he has work and he really isn't good at just sitting with my mom. I just feel like I have no one to talk to because no one really understands and my friends just don't know what to say to me. They have been praying and I am thankful, but I just wish they could be more comforting.

I am just so worried about her and since she isn't doing good with chemo I am probably going to have to take a semester off of school which is really hard for me to swallow. Its what I want to do and what I feel I need to do but its just so hard to give up friends and fun at school to take care of a family. Not exactly what I planned for my life. I also feel selfish for not totally wanting to give it up. My mom has done so much for me and give up so much for me, I just feel like I should be as willing to give up stuff for her.

Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated. Its just crazy how life can take such a dramatic change so fast.

-Allysa

Comments

  • abrub
    abrub Member Posts: 2,174 Member
    #2
    Look for caregiver's support groups
    Allysa, if there is a Gilda's Club near you, contact them about support groups for you and your mom. There are separate groups for caregivers and for patients. It sounds like both of you could use the support. Otherwise, contact your local American Cancer Society chapter and/or your mom's oncologists to find out about support.

    This is all brand new for you and your family, scary even with a good prognosis. Chemo is incredibly difficult on so many levels, but somehow, we get through it.

    Make sure you are taking care of yourself. See if you can get your older sisters to come in for a few days to give you a break. If you have a church or synagogue, you can turn there for support as well.

    Life will get calmer. Everything is so raw and scary now. I never thought I'd smile again when I was diagnosed, but I'm now moving forward, living life again. It's been a long, slow road, but I'm here. My family, too, has had to learn, to deal, to grow. Come onto the chat group here - we have both survivors and caregivers who will be happy to chat with you.

    Alice
  • lilli1020
    lilli1020 Member Posts: 114
    #3
    abrub said:

    Look for caregiver's support groups
    Allysa, if there is a Gilda's Club near you, contact them about support groups for you and your mom. There are separate groups for caregivers and for patients. It sounds like both of you could use the support. Otherwise, contact your local American Cancer Society chapter and/or your mom's oncologists to find out about support.

    This is all brand new for you and your family, scary even with a good prognosis. Chemo is incredibly difficult on so many levels, but somehow, we get through it.

    Make sure you are taking care of yourself. See if you can get your older sisters to come in for a few days to give you a break. If you have a church or synagogue, you can turn there for support as well.

    Life will get calmer. Everything is so raw and scary now. I never thought I'd smile again when I was diagnosed, but I'm now moving forward, living life again. It's been a long, slow road, but I'm here. My family, too, has had to learn, to deal, to grow. Come onto the chat group here - we have both survivors and caregivers who will be happy to chat with you.

    Alice

    How do you "take care of
    How do you "take care of yourself" when your whole existance is caring for your loved one. I keep hearing this over and over and I really do not know how to do it. When I have free time, I am a zombie. I do a little housework, shopping, the main things that have to be done. Taking care of me would mean leaving the state to spend time at the beach and that is impossible! My soul is depleted, my mind is spinning, my body is lazy and my spirit is broken. If I don't have a breakdown it will be a miracle.

    Just sign me "still praying along with everyone else".

    Invisible me, Gayle
  • abrub
    abrub Member Posts: 2,174 Member
    #4
    lilli1020 said:

    How do you "take care of
    How do you "take care of yourself" when your whole existance is caring for your loved one. I keep hearing this over and over and I really do not know how to do it. When I have free time, I am a zombie. I do a little housework, shopping, the main things that have to be done. Taking care of me would mean leaving the state to spend time at the beach and that is impossible! My soul is depleted, my mind is spinning, my body is lazy and my spirit is broken. If I don't have a breakdown it will be a miracle.

    Just sign me "still praying along with everyone else".

    Invisible me, Gayle

    You need to take time for yourself
    You need to arrange for someone else to cover for a few hours so that you can escape to do something you like, whether it be reading, walking, shopping, biking - anything but "must-do's". Even if it's just soaking in a tub for half an hour without having your ear tuned waiting for "the call."

    If you don't take a little time for yourself, then you will feel resentful and guilty, and won't be able to care for your loved one as freely as you otherwise might.

    Do you need to be there every minute, or can your loved one be left alone for a couple of hours? Is there someone who can stay for a bit, enabling you to get out and play? Most of us patients want our caregivers to have time for themselves. We appreciate your love and caring, but also feel badly that we've thrust you into the position of "caregiver". From my selfish perspective, I want David to get out and do the things he enjoys.

    It's not easy, but try to find ways that you can get out and play - do something that is for you and you alone. Be "selfish" because in actuality, you'll be able to be a better caregiver for it.
  • ketziah35
    ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
    #5
    DO NOT QUIT SCHOOL
    I agree with the responses. Consider going to a caregivers support group. Maybe there is someway you could recruit her friends or people at a church to take care of her during the day and dad/sister can take care of her at night. DO NOT QUIT SCHOOL. If you leave your school full time consider taking a class or 2 at a local college and transfer the credits when you go back, but don't just quit all together., I know that 16 year olds are teenagers, but this is a timem when EVERYONE needs to pull their weight. Talk to your older sisters to see if they can come to town and help some.

    I had my own little non cancerous issues with my family when I was in college and throughout I never quit college. My hair was coming out and I had shorts that were so worn that they re ripped when i washed them and I had to resew them my brother and I were both sleeping on friends floors, becuase we couldn't pay rent and now both of us have my masters degrees. I mentioned this to you to let you know that you don't have to put your education aside while working through family issues.

    I know this is your mom that you are talking about, but don't be afraid to seek counnd seling as well. The counselor I saw was able to keep me focused on my education and deal with my family issues by helping me to establish weekly goals emotionally and educationally. The counselor pulled me back to the goals if I started to stray and get distracted.

    The remedy to this may be to organize, don't be alone, get an understanding of your resources (which may come from oncologist and support groups), have a family meeting, develop a plan of action and execute it. If you have been caring for your mother like you have, you are STRONG! You can do it. I know you can.


    Your sisters may be able to assist. My mom lives in another state than me, but I fly up every 6 weeks to help my sister and dad (who seems to be in useless state of shock). My sister is in charge of the medical issues. I take care of cooking and freezing as well as buying clothes and organizing the deep cleaning for the house. I believe that in your absence your sisters will rise to the occasion, but they will not if you don't express your needs.

    Feel free to PM me.

    Peace and Blessings,

    Ketz

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