Did I do the right thing, now what

citrusgirlrn
citrusgirlrn Member Posts: 5
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
First I have to say it again I am truely taken back by all the support and love on this site. I have been a nurse for 20 years and involved with RFL and The Breast Cancer 3-day for several years. Now instead of sending one of my patients home or to another hospital with cancer I have to deal with it hands on with my mother.

I hadn't seen my mom in about 6 months but when I first saw her I knew there was something really wrong and had suspected she had cancer. She told me she was putting off going to the doctor until Aug. because that is when she would get her Medicare. That was about 1 month ago. I got a call last Saturday that my brother had taken her to the hospital because she couldn't breathe. Yes she did have a heart attack, fluid around the lungs and heart, PE and after several other tests cancer. She was told there are tumors on the liver, both kidneys, overies, uterus and colon. Since we have been told that it is primary ovarian cancer type IV. The doctors have started to give her all the options but I don't know what she will decide she is now having the doctors call me directly since she doesn't understand most of what the have told her. Although most options are only pallative at this point. Things have progressed way to far.

I updated my brother and he flat out said that he can't care for her (he and his wife have been living with her). I knew he wouldn't do it so I have now opened my house up and are about to start moving her things in. Mom doesn't know any of this and I'm not to sure how to tell her that her son and his family won't care for her. She is still in the hospital. There has been some talk about hospice but I want to let things soak in one step at a time. I did go against her wishes and spoke to her best friend that live many states away and told her what was going on. I really need to know am I taking this too far. How do I let her know and fill in all the blanks without making her feel worse?

Any advice would be great I could use the help!
God Bless,
Karyn

Comments

  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    #2
    Well....
    I don't know your mom, but maybe she's stronger than you think. It isn't going to be easy to tell her that she won't be going to her own home and certainly she may be upset that her son and his wife won't help her so she can stay in her home.

    On the other hand, look how good you are being to her.

    Going straight into hospice would be hard for her, I think, although you'll have to talk to her to be certain what she wants.

    If she doesn't thank you for telling her best friend, the friend is grateful, I'm sure. Maybe you could suggest to her friend that she get in touch with your mom and give her the opportunity to tell her herself?

    Keep us posted. We care.
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #3
    yes yes yes
    Yes, you are doing the right thing. My mom has advanced OVCA, too, and we've been fighting the monster for 17 months. It is winning.

    My mother is letting we children (in our 40s and 50s) take over more and more, and she doesn't always know what's best anymore. You did the right thing by calling her friend. I have called my mother's best friend, behind her back, two or three times to ask for her help looking after mom and keeping her amused and happy.

    Instead of going into what your brother won't do, be strong and positive about what you will do. You will take care of her, be there for her, make sure she is comfortable and loved for as long as she's breathing. She really needs to hear this. I see peace wash over my mother every time we have this conversation. Then we go back to living again.

    Your mother may love being freed of sonny and all his baggage at this precious time. Do you have a comfortable recliner? My mother spends a lot of time there, reading and napping at all hours of the day. She's pretty active during the mornings, though she tires very easily and sometimes needs a morning nap. She's up to taking two Lorcet 7.5 for generalized pain; the pharmacist says oxycodon is next, and it's supposed to work really well. Her appetite is down, but she loves ice cream and will almost always drink a milk chocolate ensure.

    Sorry you're here, but you will be so glad you came. The people here are ridiculously incredibly awesome. They have seen it all.
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120 Member
    #4
    Barbara53 said:

    yes yes yes
    Yes, you are doing the right thing. My mom has advanced OVCA, too, and we've been fighting the monster for 17 months. It is winning.

    My mother is letting we children (in our 40s and 50s) take over more and more, and she doesn't always know what's best anymore. You did the right thing by calling her friend. I have called my mother's best friend, behind her back, two or three times to ask for her help looking after mom and keeping her amused and happy.

    Instead of going into what your brother won't do, be strong and positive about what you will do. You will take care of her, be there for her, make sure she is comfortable and loved for as long as she's breathing. She really needs to hear this. I see peace wash over my mother every time we have this conversation. Then we go back to living again.

    Your mother may love being freed of sonny and all his baggage at this precious time. Do you have a comfortable recliner? My mother spends a lot of time there, reading and napping at all hours of the day. She's pretty active during the mornings, though she tires very easily and sometimes needs a morning nap. She's up to taking two Lorcet 7.5 for generalized pain; the pharmacist says oxycodon is next, and it's supposed to work really well. Her appetite is down, but she loves ice cream and will almost always drink a milk chocolate ensure.

    Sorry you're here, but you will be so glad you came. The people here are ridiculously incredibly awesome. They have seen it all.

    I feel you pain..
    Hi Karyn...Welcome to the club that nobody wants to belong to....
    My only comment is to not put off dealing the hospice card....my husband passed this past April 21st....he story was the same as your Mom's...knew something was very wrong... he didn't want to see a doctor....long story short...first week in March I dragged him to the ER.....next day following a spinal MRI...DX was Metastic spinal lesions...susequent CT of lung showed lung mass and pallitive treatments were the only option..which he opted out of and he wanted to just go home which he did.
    I talked with him about Hospice....told him it was end of life and he was ok with it...getting hospice on board was a god send....we had six wonderful weeks...pain controlled...no cognitive decline...and he passed six weeks later at home with zero acute issues.....
    There is no reason to tell he about her son's choice...at this point its not part of the equation...no sense in hurting her emotionally...just take her into your home and give her what she needs...love and comfort!
    His big thing was pain from the spinal lesions....with the Duragesic..there was no pain.
    Don't put off the Hospice talk...no one is ever ready for it but at times like ours....there is no good time...but they can make a world of difference in how the end plays out.
    Blessing to you and your family.
    Pat
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #5
    No wrong
    You are in a tough place. I agree that you need to do what you think is best. Just tell your mom that you are taking her to your house because that is where she will get the best care. If your brother says he can't do it, take his word for it. She obviously would not get the care she needs from them. Ask the dr if hospice is an option. If it is, I, too, would recommend that you get them sooner rather than later. Her friend might be able to help pave the way for that. Sometimes people are better able to talk with friends. Your mom may know more than you think. She may not be willing to admit it right now though even to herself.

    I am very sorry that you and your family are dealing with this terrible disease. I even feel bad for your brother. He may be having trouble dealing with your mom's mortality, as well. You may find that, as difficult as it is to care for your mother, you can benefit greatly from the time of sharing and caring. My husband fought colon cancer for six years before he lost his battle. Those years were a real roller coaster ride with many ups and downs, but we made some of our best memories. We were blessed with 42 years of marriage, but those last six years were a very special blessing, even the bad times. Hug your mom often if it doesn't hurt. Laugh with her, and cry with her. Get out the old photo albums and share the good memories. On the good days make more memories. When the time comes to say good bye, if it does, you will know that you did your best. Take care, Fay
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #6
    bingles said:

    I feel you pain..
    Hi Karyn...Welcome to the club that nobody wants to belong to....
    My only comment is to not put off dealing the hospice card....my husband passed this past April 21st....he story was the same as your Mom's...knew something was very wrong... he didn't want to see a doctor....long story short...first week in March I dragged him to the ER.....next day following a spinal MRI...DX was Metastic spinal lesions...susequent CT of lung showed lung mass and pallitive treatments were the only option..which he opted out of and he wanted to just go home which he did.
    I talked with him about Hospice....told him it was end of life and he was ok with it...getting hospice on board was a god send....we had six wonderful weeks...pain controlled...no cognitive decline...and he passed six weeks later at home with zero acute issues.....
    There is no reason to tell he about her son's choice...at this point its not part of the equation...no sense in hurting her emotionally...just take her into your home and give her what she needs...love and comfort!
    His big thing was pain from the spinal lesions....with the Duragesic..there was no pain.
    Don't put off the Hospice talk...no one is ever ready for it but at times like ours....there is no good time...but they can make a world of difference in how the end plays out.
    Blessing to you and your family.
    Pat

    Hi Pat
    Nice to see you
    Hi Pat
    Nice to see you posting and giving your wonderful advice! Hope the days are going well for you considering. My mom and brother are having the hardest time accepting my dad's death. They are second guessing themselves. We should have put him in the hospital, we should have not given him that round of chemo. I on the other hand, know the Lord. I am very comfortable in knowing that I did the best I could for my dad. Dad asked us and wrote in his journal to please not put him back in the hospital. I granted him that wish. He wanted to pass away at home, I granted him that wish. He wanted to be taken out of the house head first, I granted him that wish. He wanted to be cremated, I granted him that wish. It is so hard for my mom and brother because they do not have the strong faith that I do. I praise God and thank him every day for giving 71 wonderful years with my dad. I ask God to take good care of my dad, until I get there. I know that I will see my dad again, and together we will spend eternity together in the Kingdom of God. My mom and brother have to learn that. I will continue to minister to them to teach them what I know. Thanks for listening. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you daily. How is your beautiful garden doing? Keep in touch.
    Tina
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
    #7
    You are not going to far.
    You are not going to far. You are doing what is best for your mom. Your mom will know her son won't care for her. I bet she already knows, a mother knows her children.
  • pattyanny
    pattyanny Member Posts: 544
    #8
    Hi Karyn
    I am so sorry about your Mom. I had to put my Mom in a Nursing Home in Feb 2010, but had her favorite Dr tell her she was going for rehab. She lived alone, and was a prime candidate for a fall. She also had her meds all a mess. She has a bit of dementia. alzheimers, several TIA's and left sided heart failure. I took it very slowly, and gave her info on a need to know basis. My Sis drives from out of state every 2 wks to visit and help, since she is an RN. I take care of the financials. I have 2 brothers, also out of state. One has been to visit 2X, and the other never came yet. I am a cancer survivor (?) diagnosed 6/2010. My Sis is very ill too, so we make a good "tag team" Lol!
    I agree with ruth, as in having her friend her call your Mom. Great idea.
    I was very angry, and disappointed with my brothers at first, but now I do not have the energy to waste on those feelings. They are not going to help - period.
    Take one step at a time and do not think too far ahead. The answers will come. As for her son, Mom knows in her heart, but you can put a positive spin on any situation if you try hard enough. Lol! Yhat's what I have learned! I do not tell Mom anything negative about her sons. I tell her since she took care of me, I want to take care of her now.
    Good luck, stay strong and positive Karyn.
    May God bless you for your love and kindness.
  • citrusgirlrn
    citrusgirlrn Member Posts: 5
    #9
    update
    Mom is getting out of the hospital tomorrow. She did decide to go with Hospice, she says she has just given up and doesn't want to put the burden on anyone. She has decided to go into the local Hospice House. I tried to explain that she put me through nursing school now its time I give back to her. I guess I am just so angry right now that she won't allow me to give back to her, but stuberness runs in the family I guess. I'm going over to get her settled and hope to visit her frequently but it isn't the same. Just another bridge to cross. Thank you for your support
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #10
    citrusgirlrn said:

    update
    Mom is getting out of the hospital tomorrow. She did decide to go with Hospice, she says she has just given up and doesn't want to put the burden on anyone. She has decided to go into the local Hospice House. I tried to explain that she put me through nursing school now its time I give back to her. I guess I am just so angry right now that she won't allow me to give back to her, but stuberness runs in the family I guess. I'm going over to get her settled and hope to visit her frequently but it isn't the same. Just another bridge to cross. Thank you for your support

    Acceptance
    It is important for you to support your mom, accept, and honor her wishes. Visit as often as you can. Try not to show that you inherited some of that stubbornness, too. She is doing what feels right to her. Try to let the anger go and just share your love. Take care, Fay
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #11
    citrusgirlrn said:

    update
    Mom is getting out of the hospital tomorrow. She did decide to go with Hospice, she says she has just given up and doesn't want to put the burden on anyone. She has decided to go into the local Hospice House. I tried to explain that she put me through nursing school now its time I give back to her. I guess I am just so angry right now that she won't allow me to give back to her, but stuberness runs in the family I guess. I'm going over to get her settled and hope to visit her frequently but it isn't the same. Just another bridge to cross. Thank you for your support

    Hi citrusgirln
    Thanks for
    Hi citrusgirln
    Thanks for your recent mom update. I agree, grant her her wishes. Give her that peace of mind. Do visit her as often as you can. Do not show any anger towards her for making her decision. Show her lots and lots of love. Cherish these times with her. Hospice will be good for all of you. peace be with you at this time. Keep us posted.
    Tina

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