The better I feel the worse it seems to get

khl8
khl8 Member Posts: 807
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
I feel good physically. But I will never be the same. My body, emotions and the way I look at life has changed dramatically. Cancer can rob you of so much of your life, not just your health but the people that surround you, it can even rob you of yourself.
I am not the same as I was before I heard the words "you have cancer", how could I be? And how can people expect you to be the same when you come out the other side.
It seems that the healthier I get the farther away some in my life are becoming, I thought that we would be celebrating the fact that for now I have beat down the beast, but instead I am apparantly being selfsih and controlling ( or so I have been told) I don't want to waste my life just existing, I want to laugh, run and play and enjoy everything that life has to offer, so If I sound demanding that I want to do something "different" or go somewhere new, why should that bother them?
The entire time I was in treatment I was so focused on getting better so I could be there for my family, I didn't want to let this disease win and rob me of my life. But it seems that the fear of me being taken away has subsided and they are angry with me about the way I am now.
When they "You have cancer, it should be followed by " Your life as you know it is over, it will never be the same" and then get a counselor in there to be with you in this journey.
As you all know, when you are in the battle of your life, you have to focus on getting better, it has to be about you, but how so you deal with those around you who just don't get it? and I am talking about my immediate family, spouse and kids.
I have tried to explain this to them and just meet with resistance. Is is time to just say " it has been a great ride, but the time has come to get off the merry go round and find a new place to be". I don't know and the worse part is that I should be sobbing as I write this and I am not. Why is that? Has cancer done to me what it couldn't do physically? killed my feelings and emotions? I just don't know.

Comments

  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
    #2
    In my Opinion....
    Thinking about what you stated and how you feel is I think a mutual feeling with most of us. We have gone through the battle of our life but now that we ( or some of us) are cancer free, hopefully forever, we feel as though since we fought and won that the prize for us is to be able to live life as we never did before. The world as we know it owes us for having to go through everything we did to survive. Well, the bottom line is this, the world owes us nothing, we are not entitled to everyday off and do whatever we want because we have been through sooo much with this disease, its just not fair to have to go back and live the life we led before, but as I think about it, there are no Knights in Shining Armor, no kisses from a Prince or Princess that will turn us into Kings or Queens. Its only plain ole simple us, the same people that we were before, but with a few more scars and a little wisdom to pass on to others. We are no different than before, we just want to be because of the time it has taken away from us. It actually hasn't, it has bonded our families closer, it has shown who is who on our friend list, it has given us a new perspective on life, but all in all we are the same as we were before, no more no less and the pat on the back given by ourself is all we get for the battle.
    I think yes, since I have fought the battle and so far am winning that I deserve an extra share of life, a free ticket to do anything I want anytime, but it just doesn't pan out that way, there are others in your life that actually went through the ride with you and they want things to be back normal. They deserve it as much as you deserve to be able to give it to them...Sit down and explain how you feel or felt and allow them to do the same , express how beating cancer makes or made you feel like the world owes you something. and get an equal amount of info from each family member, then you can get to where everyone is happy again and you still feel satisfied....

    and thanks you for posting this for the wakeup call...I feel like I am doing my family the same way and really didn't realize that I need to just move on with life, but also need to make sure that my family is equally along for the ride.........Love and Hope for you and yours...Buzz....
  • Patteee
    Patteee Member Posts: 945
    #3
    for me it often feels as
    for me it often feels as though I am on the outside looking into the family. Cancer put a distance between them and me- and it changed all of us. We will never go back to what was before cancer, we only move ahead. And just like before cancer, the movement is a bumpy ride. The one thing I do with my kids- and it is done with humor, but not exactly the politically right way to do things. Translated= it may not work for everyone. I play the "cancer card"- I will ask my oldest to mow the lawn, he will say, "why don't you mom?" And my response, "well I have had cancer and you haven't, so get going!" Or to help with the groceries- my youngest will start to resist and I will say, "look all the neighbors know I have had cancer, how do you think they will view you when you go in side empty handed and I haul it all in?" That time he went over board-smiling and whistling, waving at the neighbors as he brought things in the house. We do laugh about it, my comments are meant to be smiled at- and they are. But my hope has been that they will continue to know that I have been changed by cancer and as a result they have had to change and we can't go back. One of my kids asked me how long I was going to play the cancer gig? And my response, "for as long as it takes!"
  • WinneyPooh
    WinneyPooh Member Posts: 318
    #4
    CHANGES THEY ONLY CAN SEE
    I know what you are talking about, my kids say i have changed and they want the old me back,
    my husband wants the old me back and he really thinks i will be someday back to the old me.

    this will not happen, i am who i am know, I want them to know i still love them but life is different for me, and some of my reality is such that i can't take things the way i did before,


    we just have to help them know what we want and that we love them, and hope all will work its way out one day at a time.

    Penny
  • khl8
    khl8 Member Posts: 807
    #5
    WinneyPooh said:

    CHANGES THEY ONLY CAN SEE
    I know what you are talking about, my kids say i have changed and they want the old me back,
    my husband wants the old me back and he really thinks i will be someday back to the old me.

    this will not happen, i am who i am know, I want them to know i still love them but life is different for me, and some of my reality is such that i can't take things the way i did before,


    we just have to help them know what we want and that we love them, and hope all will work its way out one day at a time.

    Penny

    I am glad to see that others
    I am glad to see that others do feel the same way. When this happens it can be as if you are the only person in the world this is happening to. I love my family and so tell them what I want, and though it may fall on deaf ears at times, I pray that they are listening.
    I always thought I knew who I was, and to have this not be the case is a bit frightning, and unsettling.
    Kathy
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #6
    khl8 said:

    I am glad to see that others
    I am glad to see that others do feel the same way. When this happens it can be as if you are the only person in the world this is happening to. I love my family and so tell them what I want, and though it may fall on deaf ears at times, I pray that they are listening.
    I always thought I knew who I was, and to have this not be the case is a bit frightning, and unsettling.
    Kathy

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