just saying

carkris
carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I have been so miserable today. I am usually ok with occ bouts of panic. I went to the doctor today, a survivorship clinic. very positive experience. but now I am very sad. I guess reliving stuff again, we were talking about genetic testing, and I started worrying about my kids. I guess I should be tested for the new panel although I am Brac neg. I think I have always taken comfort in the neg genetic testing for the girls. I just want a break form the testing just for a little bit. It is so anxiety provoking. then I started thinking about upcoming blood work, etc... (no boobs to mammo) and I just got so weepy. I have been trying so hard to live in the moment/day and deal with things one day at a time and trying not to think (a bad thing for me). I want to focus on wellness and take a break from cancer. But I know knowlege empowers you and you need to fight this with everything you have. I just want to say Cancer sucks! and I knew you would ALL UNDERSTAND!

Comments

  • Jeanne D
    Jeanne D Member Posts: 1,867
    #2
    ♥ Sweet Penny ♥
    You are so right...Cancer does suck! I had my first bout with breast cancer in '85 and then my second run at it again in 2009, so, I know very well how hard it is to deal with everything. And, I am still continuing with treatments to this day. Nothing major, but, I still am seeing my doctors every month and still being reminded of this horrid disease.

    Being worried about your children is so normal, so natural, just what a Mom does, and, you are a great Mom! We are natural protectors, especially to our children. But, you can't take the world on your shoulders. You were tested for the BRAC and you were negative which is wonderful!

    We are all going to have bad moments, bad days, heck, bad months even. It happens. But, we need to remind ourselves that we SURVIVED bc and that we have so much to live for! I thank God every day for allowing me to still be here on this earth to enjoy each and every moment. I have been married to David for 37 plus years, and, he is the most loving and sweetest man on this earth. We have a beautiful goddaughter/daughter, that we raised, and a darling grandson. I cherish every moment with them.

    You need to be kind to yourself Penny. You need to realize that these crappy times will come, and, surround yourself with what you love to remind you that you won the battle! And, if you feel like crying or staying in bed all day..it is ok.

    There is no rule book in surviving after bc..I wish there were. We just have to do the best that we can and I know you will! You are such a sweetheart that I wish I could take these feelings away from you, but, I can't.

    So, just know that I offer you my support in any way that you might need it! After all, you are my sister in pink...now and always.

    Love, Jeanne ♥</♥</font>
  • jo jo
    jo jo Member Posts: 1,175
    #3
    Sorry your having a
    Sorry your having a miserable day...but were allowed as humans to have those bad days.
    I worry about my girls and bc but i never had the genetic test done cuz insurance wont cover it.
    Its understandable to want to take a break from cancer...ahhh a day free of any cancer reminders...wouldnt that be great!
    Tomorrows a new day so i hope it will be a better one for you!!
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #4
    jo jo said:

    Sorry your having a
    Sorry your having a miserable day...but were allowed as humans to have those bad days.
    I worry about my girls and bc but i never had the genetic test done cuz insurance wont cover it.
    Its understandable to want to take a break from cancer...ahhh a day free of any cancer reminders...wouldnt that be great!
    Tomorrows a new day so i hope it will be a better one for you!!

    Penny
    Sorry that you are having a bad day. I can completely understand. I feel very similar every time when I see my oncologist. Even my results are good I feel sad every time when leave the clinic. Two week ago I had to pass through infusion clinic and became very sad. Chemo Nurse was surprised that I was "too emotional". "Are you recently diagnosed?" she asked me, "you seem to be too upset".
    I learned recently that boys could carry BC genes as well.
    You are doing well and set up an example for many of us. You won your second battle and have been making outstanding progress, you are funny and nice and we love you.
    Hugs,
    New Flower
  • Ritzy
    Ritzy Member Posts: 4,381 Member
    #5
    New Flower said:

    Penny
    Sorry that you are having a bad day. I can completely understand. I feel very similar every time when I see my oncologist. Even my results are good I feel sad every time when leave the clinic. Two week ago I had to pass through infusion clinic and became very sad. Chemo Nurse was surprised that I was "too emotional". "Are you recently diagnosed?" she asked me, "you seem to be too upset".
    I learned recently that boys could carry BC genes as well.
    You are doing well and set up an example for many of us. You won your second battle and have been making outstanding progress, you are funny and nice and we love you.
    Hugs,
    New Flower

    So sorry :(
    I so admire survivors like you Carkris and Jeanne D that have fought bc twice. I don't know how you have done it with any mind intact. I think I would go bonkers if I ever hear those awful 3 words again.

    I am so sorry that you are having such a bad day and I hope that you find some light at the end of the tunnel through the postings here.

    I hope you find that little extra boost to help you deal with your feelings. I know it must be hard, but, I also know that you can do it.

    So, accept my big hug and know that I will be praying for you. Praying that you feel better and stronger with the new sunrise!


    Sue :)
  • MyTurnNow
    MyTurnNow Member Posts: 2,686 Member
    #6
    Yes, I agree, cancer sucks!!
    Yes, I agree, cancer sucks!! The part that seems to be the most challenging is that we will live with this forever. I cope with this by doing ALL I can to try to take better care of myself by maintaining a healthy diet, exercising, and surrounding myself with positive upbeat individuals. I have always been "the glass is half full" type person and like to be around optomistic individuals. Sounds good, huh? But, I, too have my moments when the worry creeps in. I think until you have been where so many of us are, you just can't understand. It helps me tremendously to come on this board and if nothing else, just read. You have been a great support for me while I was going through my treatments and continue to be as I start my "life after breast cancer".

    Penny, I didn't mean to ramble on and on but wanted to say that I hope you are feeling better today. It is great therapy to put into words how you are feeling and yes, we get it.
  • Christine Louise
    Christine Louise Member Posts: 426 Member
    #7
    What is the "new panel" please?
    The new panel you mentioned, what is that? Do they have a way to test for genes beside the BRACAs? Is it the BRAN test? Thanks for any info.

    I sure hope you are having a better day today! Hopefully, the roller coaster is heading up, up, up.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #8
    I hate it when I am happy on
    I hate it when I am happy on the outside and scared/miserable on the inside! Cancer is without a doubt the elephant in the room, isn't it? Most days are just fine; some days well, they just aren't. As you very well know.

    I would like to have The Power over my inner emtions, I think we all would. Of course there are tricks and techniques which we can use, but some days I don't want to! (Sticking out my tongue and saying naaa-naaaa-naaa!) So, that being said, I am NOT going to tell you to go volunteer, or go for a brisk walk, or a slow one and literally stop and smell the roses, or collect something for Farmville, or pray, or hit a punching bag, or stay off of CSN for a week, or write a novel, get a massage or at least a pedicure. You already know what works for you~ and what doesn't! And some days, nothing works!

    Feelings are just what they are, there is no denying that. If any of us is taking all of this in stride, with no doubts, no fears, no worrying about recurrances, no second thoughts to our children~I think they are fooling themselves. We ALL have scary thoughts and scary days. The only time to worry and maybe get a professional opinion is when the bad, scary days over-run the good, normal ones for an extended period of time.

    You are entitled to take a break from cancer!!! Mental vacations are as important as physical ones! And a lot cheaper too! I know you will find your balance again!

    I am glad you came in here to vent; I sure wish we didn't need this place, but as long as we do, how wonderful that we have a Safe Place To Land among true, unseen friends.

    ((((((hugs)))))

    Chen♥
  • susie09
    susie09 Member Posts: 2,930
    #9
    chenheart said:

    I hate it when I am happy on
    I hate it when I am happy on the outside and scared/miserable on the inside! Cancer is without a doubt the elephant in the room, isn't it? Most days are just fine; some days well, they just aren't. As you very well know.

    I would like to have The Power over my inner emtions, I think we all would. Of course there are tricks and techniques which we can use, but some days I don't want to! (Sticking out my tongue and saying naaa-naaaa-naaa!) So, that being said, I am NOT going to tell you to go volunteer, or go for a brisk walk, or a slow one and literally stop and smell the roses, or collect something for Farmville, or pray, or hit a punching bag, or stay off of CSN for a week, or write a novel, get a massage or at least a pedicure. You already know what works for you~ and what doesn't! And some days, nothing works!

    Feelings are just what they are, there is no denying that. If any of us is taking all of this in stride, with no doubts, no fears, no worrying about recurrances, no second thoughts to our children~I think they are fooling themselves. We ALL have scary thoughts and scary days. The only time to worry and maybe get a professional opinion is when the bad, scary days over-run the good, normal ones for an extended period of time.

    You are entitled to take a break from cancer!!! Mental vacations are as important as physical ones! And a lot cheaper too! I know you will find your balance again!

    I am glad you came in here to vent; I sure wish we didn't need this place, but as long as we do, how wonderful that we have a Safe Place To Land among true, unseen friends.

    ((((((hugs)))))

    Chen♥

    We all suffer with the
    We all suffer with the feelings that you are having carkris unfortunately. And, we all deal with them in different ways as you can see. I think you have to do whatever works for you and whatever will help you to get past them.

    Living day by day with bc is the most difficult thing that has ever happened to me. I fear a recurrence, I fear more surgery, I fear more rads, but, when I start feeling down about it, I do something to make myself feel better. I know for some medication or antidepressants help, but, I am not one to take those. I don't know if you might consider that and maybe they would help you.

    I am also a "glass half full" type of person. I always try to see the good even out of a bad situation. I do stop and smell the roses as no one is guaranteed another day and I don't want to miss the good stuff! I won't let cancer take that away from me..I won't!

    I do exercise, I do have a great hubby too and enjoy my family and friends. I find that by getting out and just enjoying life that it really helps. I just love life and in return, it loves me back!

    Like Jeanne said, we are your bc sisters in pink and we are here for you! So, vent when you need to and share your feelings, good or bad, when you feel like it.

    I just hope that we can help you!
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    #10
    chenheart said:

    I hate it when I am happy on
    I hate it when I am happy on the outside and scared/miserable on the inside! Cancer is without a doubt the elephant in the room, isn't it? Most days are just fine; some days well, they just aren't. As you very well know.

    I would like to have The Power over my inner emtions, I think we all would. Of course there are tricks and techniques which we can use, but some days I don't want to! (Sticking out my tongue and saying naaa-naaaa-naaa!) So, that being said, I am NOT going to tell you to go volunteer, or go for a brisk walk, or a slow one and literally stop and smell the roses, or collect something for Farmville, or pray, or hit a punching bag, or stay off of CSN for a week, or write a novel, get a massage or at least a pedicure. You already know what works for you~ and what doesn't! And some days, nothing works!

    Feelings are just what they are, there is no denying that. If any of us is taking all of this in stride, with no doubts, no fears, no worrying about recurrances, no second thoughts to our children~I think they are fooling themselves. We ALL have scary thoughts and scary days. The only time to worry and maybe get a professional opinion is when the bad, scary days over-run the good, normal ones for an extended period of time.

    You are entitled to take a break from cancer!!! Mental vacations are as important as physical ones! And a lot cheaper too! I know you will find your balance again!

    I am glad you came in here to vent; I sure wish we didn't need this place, but as long as we do, how wonderful that we have a Safe Place To Land among true, unseen friends.

    ((((((hugs)))))

    Chen♥

    Chen:
    Did you ever see the movie "What About Bob"? There is a part where the doc writes Bob a prescription to take a vacation from his problems. Your answer reminded me of it.

    Sorry I got off topic.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #11
    Marcia527 said:

    Chen:
    Did you ever see the movie "What About Bob"? There is a part where the doc writes Bob a prescription to take a vacation from his problems. Your answer reminded me of it.

    Sorry I got off topic.

    How very funny, Marcia~ this
    How very funny, Marcia~ this is the 2nd time you have responded to me with a movie reference!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    #12
    chenheart said:

    How very funny, Marcia~ this
    How very funny, Marcia~ this is the 2nd time you have responded to me with a movie reference!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    That's cause we love movies!
    That's cause we love movies!
  • aisling8
    aisling8 Member Posts: 1,627 Member
    #13
    Marcia527 said:

    That's cause we love movies!
    That's cause we love movies!

    A big hug
    is what I'm sending you. I hear you. And I care.

    Victoria
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #14
    aisling8 said:

    A big hug
    is what I'm sending you. I hear you. And I care.

    Victoria

    thanks so much you guys all
    thanks so much you guys all made me cry , which is prob what I need. It is hard smiling all the time and most days are happy because as we all know life is to short, to not appreciate what we have. But Chen is right too, lately there hasnt been enough me time, things are getting back to "normal" which is not necessarily a good thing. As you heal physically you need to heal emotionally and sometimes that takes longer. I dont look it but I still feel fragile some days. You guys are the best and I knew you would get it, because you have been there and you are wonderful people. hugs to you all
  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
    #15
    carkris said:

    thanks so much you guys all
    thanks so much you guys all made me cry , which is prob what I need. It is hard smiling all the time and most days are happy because as we all know life is to short, to not appreciate what we have. But Chen is right too, lately there hasnt been enough me time, things are getting back to "normal" which is not necessarily a good thing. As you heal physically you need to heal emotionally and sometimes that takes longer. I dont look it but I still feel fragile some days. You guys are the best and I knew you would get it, because you have been there and you are wonderful people. hugs to you all

    Hugs back to you. We have
    Hugs back to you. We have those days. Glad you had a good cry. Those salty tears I am told cleanse the soul. God Bless You.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #16
    natly15 said:

    Hugs back to you. We have
    Hugs back to you. We have those days. Glad you had a good cry. Those salty tears I am told cleanse the soul. God Bless You.

    thanks agian yes it is the
    thanks agian yes it is the Bran panel, but I really dont know much about it.
  • SamuraiMom
    SamuraiMom Member Posts: 295
    #17
    xxoo
    Even warriors need a day of rest. You've earned it.

    I worry about my girls too. But this is about you right now.

    You are SO right. Cancer sucks. No way around it.

    I'm sorry you're feeling blue.

    You're not alone.

    xxoo,
    SamuraiMom
  • Mariannemm
    Mariannemm Member Posts: 136
    #18
    SamuraiMom said:

    xxoo
    Even warriors need a day of rest. You've earned it.

    I worry about my girls too. But this is about you right now.

    You are SO right. Cancer sucks. No way around it.

    I'm sorry you're feeling blue.

    You're not alone.

    xxoo,
    SamuraiMom

    Daughter is 12
    Our daughter is 12 and I too worry about her. My Mom died of BC and now me with BC, I worry about her so much! My onc told me by the time she gets to her 20's there my be some kind shot for it. He told me look how much things have changed in the last 10 years. That gave me some peace. You are right BC sucks! I also understand being down, it is here that we can all understand that statement. There are lots of people in my life that support me but they just don't always get it. You are not alone! Marianne

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