Fathers Day

david54
david54 Member Posts: 164 Member
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
During the last year my wife’s cancer has steadily progressed. When she is on chemotherapy her CEA slowly comes down, but it is now hovering around 495. Her belly is distended and her lower extremities are really swollen-it adds to her fatigue.

We have one daughter and she bought me a shirt. But our custom (My wife and me) is that we honor our roles as parents. Last Mothers day I bought my wife flowers, a card, took her to her restaurant of choice, bought her some clothes she felt comfortable in.

What did we do this Fathers day? Nothing. There was no card, no gift, nothing, nada, zilch, only the pimple on my _ _ _. (I’m still pissed and hurt). I have busted my BUTT for her 364 days a year, one day, just one day I wanted to be acknowledged. I know, I know, she is sick, but she isn’t in a coma. She had weeks to act on this day for me and didn’t.

I finally blew up yesterday and told her how I felt and I hurt I was-she cried.
We barely made it to lunch and she was too tired and we came home. I guess my frustration is that she knows how to “Bank” her energy when she wants to accomplish something, go somewhere to meet friends, she could have done this for me yesterday. I felt like an afterthought yesterday and it hurt.

I feel like a cross between Mother Theresa, Tony Hayward and Mussolini (Giving, loving, stuck in denial and selfish and plain mean).

I guess my question is: I think it is time for me to see a counselor. It has been two and half years of care giving. For those of you that have seen a therapist did it help? Did you feel better?

Comments

  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #2
    Happy Father's Day
    Hi David
    Sorry that your daughter and wife forgot about you on Father's Day. That is just not right.
    I was glad to read that you did speak your mind, and did get all of your feelings of hurt out. Hope you feel somewhat better now. I agree with you, I think that you seeing a counselor would be very helpful for you. I would check out what the hospital has to offer for caregivers of cancer patients. I would also suggest that you start a journal. Either for yourself, or for your family. I did this with my parents as we were fighting my dad's battle with his cancer. It was wonderful. My dad was one not to communicate his feelings openly. But, boy did he learn how to express himself on paper! As did my mom and I. My parents grew much closer the last 3 mos of my dad's life. And now we have the journal to treasure and look back on in the years to come. I wish you the best of luck in your search for a counselor. I am proud of you for realizing that it is necessary. My dad also finally agreed to see a counselor, and it proved to be extremely helpful. Stay in touch.
    Tina
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #3
    support can help
    Well that just sucks. I think your anger was understandable, and your wife could have done better. But on the other hand, self-centeredness may be part of the end of life. My mother (my patient) thinks about nothing but herself, so I have to really spell out anything that I want.

    Supportive counseling can help. I don't mean to sound awful, but I do wonder if the human psyche is built to handle prolonged suffering, prolonged death. We caregivers bounce back from the first few blows, but after a time I think we run out of gas. The right counselor might help you refill your tank.
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    #4
    David54
    I will respond to this particular post later after work but wanted to let you know something. I see Peter is on your "friends list". You may want to check his post on the colorectal board and leave a message for him. He is not doing real well, no more options, liver failing, and has made the very personal decision for hospice care. He was about to start his third clinical trial.

    Since he is on your friends' list thought you would want to know.

    Tina
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #5
    Fathers Day
    I just endured our first Fathers Day without my husband so I am really sorry that your family did not celebrate this day in at least some small way. One thing I learned from my husband was a phrase I still hear him tell me at times, "Let it go dear. Just let it go." I try to do that now when there are hurtful things that I can't change. Life really is too short. I am glad you told your wife how you felt. Now continue to be the wonderful caregiver you are. You know you are a great father. I'm sure your daughter does, too. Take care, Fay
  • david54
    david54 Member Posts: 164 Member
    #6
    geotina said:

    David54
    I will respond to this particular post later after work but wanted to let you know something. I see Peter is on your "friends list". You may want to check his post on the colorectal board and leave a message for him. He is not doing real well, no more options, liver failing, and has made the very personal decision for hospice care. He was about to start his third clinical trial.

    Since he is on your friends' list thought you would want to know.

    Tina

    Thanks Tina-I sent him a
    Thanks Tina-I sent him a message.
  • AnnaLeigh
    AnnaLeigh Member Posts: 187 Member
    #7
    This is too much to deal with alone
    David,

    I am sorry you had such a lonely, let-down of a Father's Day. Just to be acknowledged for everything that you do is what gives us strength and encouragement to keep going.

    None of us were prepared to deal with what cancer brings into our lives. We were not given a survivor/caregiver manual after diagnosis and nothing we have previously experienced has any relationship to what we go through now.

    Counseling/therapy has been a welcome relief and provided me with the skills to understand some of the obstacles we must endure. Including the selfishness that cancer patients take on as they go through their treatment. Some selfishness is healthy on their part but it can be taken to extremes.

    Compassion and patience for everyone involved - including yourself - will help carry you down this very tenuous and rough road.

    Let us know how you are doing. We care very much for you and your situation and don't want anyone to have to suffer needlessly.

    AnnaLeigh
  • GregStahl
    GregStahl Member Posts: 188
    #8
    David
    I feel like such a wimp...your at 2+ years....I am not even close. I am fed up with the fight with Ins companies, Dr.s, labs.....phone calls, voice mails, emails, IDIOTS in India named Bob or Lisa......

    So done
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
    #9
    GregStahl said:

    David
    I feel like such a wimp...your at 2+ years....I am not even close. I am fed up with the fight with Ins companies, Dr.s, labs.....phone calls, voice mails, emails, IDIOTS in India named Bob or Lisa......

    So done

    David
    I feel your hurt, and
    David
    I feel your hurt, and know your pain. I was dx with breast cancer. I've been thru chemo, surgery, and now radiation. I've pushed pass pain, fatigue, and sickness to try to keep my husbands life as normal as possible. He has never went without, clean clothes, clean house, and a warm meal. I manage to keep it going. He doesn't lift a finger to help. This past Mothers Day I also got nothing, and yeah it hurt badly. I let it go. When Fathers Day came I bought him 2 cards, a dvd,and grilled steaks. He then ask where his cake was. He wanted me to bake him a cake. I told him I could have got him what he got me, nothing. He informed me I wasn't his mother, and that he has spent enough money on me paying for my medical expenses.

    What bothers me the most is we have an 8 year old son, when he doesn't take our son to buy me something and make it fun and important, it sends the message I'm not important, moms not special. That's how I feel, and yes I still have a hole in heart.


    Yes I believe you would benefit from couseling, sure couldn't hurt.
    Take care
    Jennifer
  • onhold
    onhold Member Posts: 23
    #10
    ms.sunshine said:

    David
    I feel your hurt, and
    David
    I feel your hurt, and know your pain. I was dx with breast cancer. I've been thru chemo, surgery, and now radiation. I've pushed pass pain, fatigue, and sickness to try to keep my husbands life as normal as possible. He has never went without, clean clothes, clean house, and a warm meal. I manage to keep it going. He doesn't lift a finger to help. This past Mothers Day I also got nothing, and yeah it hurt badly. I let it go. When Fathers Day came I bought him 2 cards, a dvd,and grilled steaks. He then ask where his cake was. He wanted me to bake him a cake. I told him I could have got him what he got me, nothing. He informed me I wasn't his mother, and that he has spent enough money on me paying for my medical expenses.

    What bothers me the most is we have an 8 year old son, when he doesn't take our son to buy me something and make it fun and important, it sends the message I'm not important, moms not special. That's how I feel, and yes I still have a hole in heart.


    Yes I believe you would benefit from couseling, sure couldn't hurt.
    Take care
    Jennifer

    upsetting
    Ms.Sunshine, I feel upset for you upon reading your story here. You are the patient, yet you are caregiver to your healthy husband? That just isn't right, which I am sure you know. I hope you have family or friends who are more supportive of you than your husband! Did your husband forget the part about 'in sickness and in health'?
    I am hoping for a better future for you.
    My apologies for getting off the thread of the original discussion, I just had to respond to your post.
  • onhold
    onhold Member Posts: 23
    #11
    'banking' energy
    David54,
    I can relate to your comment about banking energy. My husband is still working (he likes his work) and doing the things he wants to do while undergoing chemo, radiation, or post surgery. However, he no longer seems to have the energy to wash dishes, do laundry, take out garbage, or any of the other household tasks we have always shared throughout our lives. I work too, but at the end of his day he gets to take a nap, I have to fix dinner and do errands. I sometimes get so drained thinking about having to wash one more load of laundry, etc, that I actually end up almost paralyzed in despair.
    And then I resent all the lack of help, and get angry at him for not stepping in when he has the energy for other things.
    And then I feel guilty for begrudging him the fun things when he might not be around much longer to enjoy anything.
    We caregivers are in a can't win situation, aren't we? Yes, a counselor will definitely help. I don't know the particulars of your wife's situation, but if it is a terminal cancer, then Hospice can definitely offer you help. I have been there, and they are a wonderful organization. If you are not there, then your local cancer society will have support groups for either general cancers or specific types, and they are for caregivers as well as patients and survivors. Our local group is wonderfully supportive and positive. Best wishes for you and your wife.
  • GregStahl
    GregStahl Member Posts: 188
    #12
    ms.sunshine said:

    David
    I feel your hurt, and
    David
    I feel your hurt, and know your pain. I was dx with breast cancer. I've been thru chemo, surgery, and now radiation. I've pushed pass pain, fatigue, and sickness to try to keep my husbands life as normal as possible. He has never went without, clean clothes, clean house, and a warm meal. I manage to keep it going. He doesn't lift a finger to help. This past Mothers Day I also got nothing, and yeah it hurt badly. I let it go. When Fathers Day came I bought him 2 cards, a dvd,and grilled steaks. He then ask where his cake was. He wanted me to bake him a cake. I told him I could have got him what he got me, nothing. He informed me I wasn't his mother, and that he has spent enough money on me paying for my medical expenses.

    What bothers me the most is we have an 8 year old son, when he doesn't take our son to buy me something and make it fun and important, it sends the message I'm not important, moms not special. That's how I feel, and yes I still have a hole in heart.


    Yes I believe you would benefit from couseling, sure couldn't hurt.
    Take care
    Jennifer

    I agree with OnHold
    Sorry that you have to fight cancer and do everything else without any support. A man/dad/husband/equal partner, steps up and takes care of business!!!!!

    Off soap box

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