moving on

crazylady · June 2010

Hi Everyone,

It has been 6 years since I was first dx. My youngest daughter has graduated high school and the time has come for me to move on. I am in the process of packing up my apartment and will be moving next week from Southern California to Nevada. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. I have lived my entire life in Southern California and have no desire to live in Nevada. It is purely a financial decision though I do have some relatives in Nevada so I will have a support system. I know there are worse things that could happen, but I am struggling because I am leaving most of my grandchildren, some of my children and all my friends and I don't want to go. It's not helping that the house that I will be moving into isn't ready and I will have to live with my mother for a while.

I spent the last 6 years in treatment and survival mode and now that my daughter has graduated I think I'm surprised that I am still here. I really have no clue as to what to do next. I keep telling myself that now that I have pretty much raised my children it's my turn and that I can do whatever I want with the next part of my life and that moving is a new adventure. Unfortunately I'm not quite there yet. I feel like everything is in limbo and will always be in limbo because of cancer. I am absoloutely grateful to be here. I just wish I knew how to do a better job of living with cancer! When I speak to people about living with cancer who have not experienced it first hand they have little to no understanding of what it's like or how frustrated I feel at times so I'm posting this here. I feel like life has moved on without me and I don't know how to move on and live with cancer at the same time.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Jamie

msccolon · June 2010

similar situation here
I'm also coming up on my 6 years since diagnosis and it seems that it's been a long 6 years! Really, just the past year since I had a procedure done in May of last year has been really long and tough! I just put my house on the market and am going to go to live with my twin brother. However, I'm not leaving tons of friends, my children and grandchildren. I suppose if I had that much support here, I wouldn't be considering leaving. I do have wonderful friends and neighbors and a wonderful church family, but my children both live out of town and I miss having family close. I have recently started speaking with a counselor to work out some lingering issues I have dealing (or not dealing) with this cancer journey and I feel it's really helping a lot. Perhaps you should consider doing the same when you arrive in Nevada. Some things I just don't feel I can share with my loved ones and having someone to speak to about these things without worrying about their response helps! My counselor specializes in dealing with people dealing with cancer, which is important, I feel!

Good luck with your move and I sure hope you are able to move on to enjoying this next part of your journey! You are still here and isn't it wonderful?!

mary

Sundanceh · June 2010

Like Sands Through the Hourglass - So Go the Days of our Lives..

"I feel like life has moved on without me and I don't know how to move on and live with cancer at the same time." - Jamie

I'm going to make this one a chapter in my book, Jamie. It is one our most "Universal" feelings in all of our journeys - a common strand that binds us together eternally.

The world and life "Has" moved on without us, much to our dismay. I always thought that since Cancer changed my world and changed me, that I expected the world to "change with me."

And when it did not, I was disappointed and felt let down. Then, the world tried to drag me back to where they were and before I changed - and I did not want to go back there and be that way again - I was changed, I was different now, why can't you guys get on board with me here.

Well, the simple answer is everybody's running their own races as we run ours. They were not changed before our happenstance, and they are not changed now. Only, when Life presents them with a life lesson, will the change come over them too - it may never come to them.

Why we are chosen, is a huge question. Was it fate? Was it chance? Who knows, but we have had to learn to deal with the changes and move our feet forward and try to find somehow to get to the next day - and in between all of that, we must try and force ourselves to enjoy a slice of life here and there. If we don't, it will go away anyway - the meter is running - and it's not waiting on us.

The doctors and the medical community spend so much time trying to save our physical bodies and keep our hearts beating. When it comes to "Living After Cancer", there are no manuals for that, to show us the way it is supposed to be done. I suppose, we are all living manuals and we go forward to show other people in our life, how it can be done.

The Survivors are the only ones who can help us and guide us through this part of our journey. Each of us out on point, blazing a trail and helping show the others some of the way, something that has worked for us.

I'm afraid, that too rely upon anybody else, is like hoping the calvary will come over the hill. After all, one cannot help someone, if they don't have some experience in what they are teaching or trying to educate on. Our medical folk, simply don't have these skills to give us, so it falls to us.

I'm into my 6th year as well and due in for another lung surgery on July 8th, so I have a good understanding of what you are trying to tell all of us. The Unknown is always the scariest place to be. You've already said it - living with cancer is not easy and not easily understood by anyone else, who has not gone through it.

When we get NED or think we made it through, the world looks at you and EXPECTS you to be just like you were "before." But, you can't be Before - you are now After. And I think the "After Jamie" is going to be ok and you will find a foothold and climb again - so many chapters of your life are out there still to be written - and with your years of service, you have much to offer, IMO.

None of us really know how to move on and live with Cancer, Jamie - we just get up everyday and do the best that we can - that's the only solution, really. And by doing so, we can shine the light on for the next generation and illuminate the path for them to follow.

Thank you for your heartfelt post this morning - it was a pleasure being on your post - I want to hear more from you after you get settled in.

All the best - Craig

sheri22 · June 2010

Had to repl;y
jAMIE

I think your emotions are very normal , you have been through a lot. I dont have any advice for you you already said it life is an adventure. I hope things go well for you in Nevada I am sure they will changes are hard but who knows this could be a blessing in disguise take care

Sheri22

John23 · June 2010

Moving on....

Re:
"I don't know how to move on and live with cancer at the same time."

You aren't living with that cancer, it's living with you. Move on,
and maybe it won't follow.

What have you got to lose?

Think healthy.

John

msccolon · June 2010

John23 said:
Moving on....

Re:
"I don't know how to move on and live with cancer at the same time."

You aren't living with that cancer, it's living with you. Move on,
and maybe it won't follow.

What have you got to lose?

Think healthy.

John

Love it!
"You aren't living with that cancer, it's living with you. Move on,
and maybe it won't follow."

Here's to hoping it won't find its way along!
mary

Lifeisajourney · June 2010

Thanks for venting
because I am experiencing a lot of similiar feelings. I am only 1year and 6 mos out of dx, with about 1 year of neds and at first even when I still felt crappy from chemo results I was happy to be alive, now I have all kinds of mixed emotions about life. When I am not feeling well, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. People are over my illness, but I am not because I will never be the same. Thankfully, I can vent to my husband, who has been great, but I am different, not as carefree. I feel better knowing others do experience these same feelings and thanks to all for sharing, it helps me with my journey. Sometimes you think, get over it, but so far that hasn't worked...Never took much meds during chemo, maybe I'll revisit that prescription of Ativan. Thanks again for your post, it made feel like I am not alone in my thoughts...since we are all different ages, personalities, etc. it is good to hear other perspectives....Pat

John23 · June 2010

Lifeisajourney said:
Thanks for venting
because I am experiencing a lot of similiar feelings. I am only 1year and 6 mos out of dx, with about 1 year of neds and at first even when I still felt crappy from chemo results I was happy to be alive, now I have all kinds of mixed emotions about life. When I am not feeling well, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. People are over my illness, but I am not because I will never be the same. Thankfully, I can vent to my husband, who has been great, but I am different, not as carefree. I feel better knowing others do experience these same feelings and thanks to all for sharing, it helps me with my journey. Sometimes you think, get over it, but so far that hasn't worked...Never took much meds during chemo, maybe I'll revisit that prescription of Ativan. Thanks again for your post, it made feel like I am not alone in my thoughts...since we are all different ages, personalities, etc. it is good to hear other perspectives....Pat

It's funny....

Re:
"When I am not feeling well, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. "

You're no different than any one of us - if I have a hangnail, I immediately
think I have cuticle cancer.....

That paranoia isn't going to change much as time goes on. It's just
as well that it doesn't, tho.... We should always be aware of how silent
cancer is.

Normal cells split and 1/2 lives and the other 1/2 dies. When that
"dead 1/2" decides to live on instead, and our immune system
disregards the fact it is.... is when it's called cancer. (There are other
things that can damage a good cell too, and do the same thing)

Being aware of our mortality is a good thing, and something we've all
forgot to have respect for, prior to developing a terminal illness.

Now, we can see the importance of our health, of what we eat,
and of the close examinations we should be doing of our body and
life, so that perhaps we can catch that errant cell before it does too
much damage.

And as far as:
"People are over my illness, but I am not "

If they never had cancer, they have no idea of what it's like.

We do here, so come here and pout with us.

Smile, willya?

John

InfinityofHope · June 2010

Next
Have you looked into finding a support group where you'll be moving to and maybe calling them, and think about volunteering you have a lot to offer since you've been there done that. Try making a list of things that you've always been interested in doing but never had the time and work on it you never know you might find your calling in life. Your life is not over the best is yet to be ... We are not our cancer we are people with cancer in other words we can't let it own us. I wish you the best. God Bless!

lisa42 · June 2010

moving on
Hi Jamie,

Wow- 6 years out. Most people still have no idea that so many people survive cancer and are living with it that much time later. Of course, we're all grateful that that is the case with so many of us but, yes, it is not easy and others who haven't gone through it just have no way of understanding. I am about halfway along from your six years- it will be 3 yrs since dx for me August 7th.
Sounds like you have bittersweet, mixed feelings about moving to Nevada. At least you will have a support system there.
Wishing you all the best!

Lisa

tootsie1 · June 2010

Your move
Jamie,

I know everything feels so uncertain now, but I hope this move will turn out to be wonderful!

*hugs*
Gail

Unknown · June 2010

msccolon said:
Love it!
"You aren't living with that cancer, it's living with you. Move on,
and maybe it won't follow."

Here's to hoping it won't find its way along!
mary

This comment has been removed by the Moderator

KathiM · June 2010

I adopted my BFF's advice:
With every new situation (I COMPLETELY changed my life: living in 2 countries, learning a new language, sold my business of 18 years), I ask myself "What's the worst that could happen? I could get cancer? Been there/done that. Twice. So, why should I worry?"

Hugs, Kathi

moving on

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