new to this and scared

AlwaysMomsGirl
AlwaysMomsGirl Member Posts: 8
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
Hi, I’m brand new to the forum. I don’t know why I’m posting other than to say a few things I guess I’m afraid to say out loud or admit to my loved ones. I’m in my twenties and still living with parents. My mother was just diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer this month and it’s safe to say it’s thrown me and my family into a tailspin.

I’ve always been extremely close to my mother and this news was devastating to me. All my life she’s been my foundation and I’m so hurt/angry/scared that this is happening to her. I was working very long hours at my job and have completely changed my routine so I can be with her as much as possible and help with whatever she may need. I’m ready to do whatever is necessary but she feels like she’s a burden on me and I don’t know what to say to alleviate her of that.

My father is helping the most he can as well but he doesn’t necessarily have the wherewithal to handle the situation and often looks to me for answers. Is it petty that I think my father believes he’s hurting more than I am in this situation?

I find myself taking on the primary caregiver role and I’m scared that I won’t be able to do enough for her. It breaks my heart when she’s crying and there isn’t anything I can to ease her pain other than rub her back and sit with her.

How can I be her rock when I feel like I’m crumbling inside? How do I tactfully help her with the day to day management of our household without making her feel useless? How do I care for her without making her feel smothered?

I’m questioning myself at every turn and don’t really know what to do. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lost and alone.

Thanks for listening and God bless you all.

Comments

  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #2
    learn by doing
    I'm so sorry you are having to shoulder all of this, but you can do it. And, you will forever be proud of every little way that you helped your mother. I've been helping mine for over a year, and she's heading to heaven soon herself.

    Do anything that needs to be done, but let your mother take care of small tasks when she's having a good day. You'll question yourself less the more you get comfortable with your role. Your father's heart is breaking, and men handle things differently than women. Just like you, he's entitled to his feelings.

    It is SO easy to get angry with the wrong people over stupid things during these highly stressful times, but keep giving your mother what she needs and you will be okay. Find a copy of Final Gifts (by Callahan and Kelley) and read it -- you will understand much more about what you mother is going through, and how to make her journey as good as it can be.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #3
    Difficult times
    I am sorry that you and your family are now a part of our cancer family. I was the caregiver for my husband who passed away in October following a six year battle with colon cancer. The first few weeks following dx is very hard. You are grieving the life you had and dealing with your mom's mortality. Now you need to find a way forward. I know that is not easy. You are in for a real roller coaster ride with many ups and downs. You learn to appreciate the good times and cope with the not so good times. You are doing what you need to do and I am sure that your mom appreciates your care. As for your father, cut him a little slack. After my husband was dx, all I could think was that we were not going to grow old together. We had retired with the idea that we would be able to do so many things together. Your grief may be just as deep, but it is different. My husband was my best friend. He was the one person I could trust with anything. He was my rock, my go to person, and the love of my life. We raised children together and our futures were tied to each other. Knowing that I might lose that love, was really scary. I didn't know if I could go on without him. I have learned to move slowly forward with grief, but that original fear was with me the whole six years he fought this disease. Hopefully, you will find that kind of love in your life and raise a family of your own. Best of luck moving forward. Fay
  • In a daze
    In a daze Member Posts: 7
    #4
    Love and Support
    My husband has pancreatic 4B and I feel the same as you and I am 59! Be kind to yourself--just ask and offer anything your Mom wants. She will allow herself to hand over responsibilities to you because at some point she will be truly unable to do them herself. Express your gratitude for the gift she is giving to you by letting you care for her and have time with her. This is one of the most virulent and devastating cancers to deal with. There is no need for your Mom to have pain--make sure that a release has been signed for you to communicate with her care providers-and call them ASAP and ask for some meds to help her.She may also benefit from some anti anxiety meds.I have found the oncology docs to be very supportive in providing palliative care measures. Also consider home health care to pick up some of the duties. Your father needs a loving caregiver too-he must feel so helpless and overwhelmed himself. There are lots of good suggestions in the caregiver section to simplify some things and maybe those will help you too.
    Make sure you get some restful sleep and eat well--this is all very taxing.
    Your parents raised a wonderful young woman who is clearly resourceful and strong!!
    Elizabeth
  • onhold
    onhold Member Posts: 23
    #5
    always new to this
    Moms Girl,
    I am sorry your are joining our 'club' of caregivers. I can only imagine how you feel to be taking on this responsibility at your age.
    My husband has always been the go to guy, so it was difficult for him to give up control when cancer took over his life. I try to make him feel needed by getting his input on as many things as possible, and letting him know how much I appreciate him and all his efforts.
    He gets frustrated, and every time he thinks things are becoming routine another wrench is thrown into the mix. So in a sense we both feel new to cancer even though it has been 11 years in & out of our lives. That is one big lesson: the only constant is change. My only advice is to find a way to release 'normal' and live the way you need to in order to get through this. Evaluate your 'obligations' to weed out what is not really important in your life.
    Possibly it will help your father if you ask him to help you. You are both hurting in different ways, I don't think there is a greater or lesser hurt in this. It may be that your father needs to feel there is something in his life that he is still needed for, so if you ask him to take over some specific daily living tasks it will help both of you to get through this.
    Allow yourself some 'me' time to grieve, read, nap, take a walk, whatever it is you need to do. It is not selfish, but rather necessary. And take any help you can get, from friends who ask what they can do (tell them what you need to have done, from meals cooked, shopping done, lawns mowed, whatever will help you), to folks who will come & sit with your mom and keep her company (without you feeling the need to be hostess on top of everything else).
    My thoughts and admiration are for you.
  • AlwaysMomsGirl
    AlwaysMomsGirl Member Posts: 8
    #6
    Barbara53 said:

    learn by doing
    I'm so sorry you are having to shoulder all of this, but you can do it. And, you will forever be proud of every little way that you helped your mother. I've been helping mine for over a year, and she's heading to heaven soon herself.

    Do anything that needs to be done, but let your mother take care of small tasks when she's having a good day. You'll question yourself less the more you get comfortable with your role. Your father's heart is breaking, and men handle things differently than women. Just like you, he's entitled to his feelings.

    It is SO easy to get angry with the wrong people over stupid things during these highly stressful times, but keep giving your mother what she needs and you will be okay. Find a copy of Final Gifts (by Callahan and Kelley) and read it -- you will understand much more about what you mother is going through, and how to make her journey as good as it can be.

    thank you
    Thank you for your kind words. My thoughts are with you and your mom. I will read Final Gifts as soon as I can.
  • AlwaysMomsGirl
    AlwaysMomsGirl Member Posts: 8
    #7
    grandmafay said:

    Difficult times
    I am sorry that you and your family are now a part of our cancer family. I was the caregiver for my husband who passed away in October following a six year battle with colon cancer. The first few weeks following dx is very hard. You are grieving the life you had and dealing with your mom's mortality. Now you need to find a way forward. I know that is not easy. You are in for a real roller coaster ride with many ups and downs. You learn to appreciate the good times and cope with the not so good times. You are doing what you need to do and I am sure that your mom appreciates your care. As for your father, cut him a little slack. After my husband was dx, all I could think was that we were not going to grow old together. We had retired with the idea that we would be able to do so many things together. Your grief may be just as deep, but it is different. My husband was my best friend. He was the one person I could trust with anything. He was my rock, my go to person, and the love of my life. We raised children together and our futures were tied to each other. Knowing that I might lose that love, was really scary. I didn't know if I could go on without him. I have learned to move slowly forward with grief, but that original fear was with me the whole six years he fought this disease. Hopefully, you will find that kind of love in your life and raise a family of your own. Best of luck moving forward. Fay

    Thank you
    Thank you, Fay, for giving me another perspective. It's so easy to get lost in one's own grief. I think I really needed to hear this and I thank you for sharing your point of view with me.

Discussion Boards