New to the world of being my mom's caregiver.

I'm in need to support. My mother was diagnosed with a stage 4B cancer two months ago. She's since moved in with us (husband, the kids, and I), and experienced her first chemo treatment.

I'm having a hard time. There are just so many emotions and thoughts and moods that I'm having. I'm sure that my mom is having them as well. Aside from the stress, heartache, anger, and every other emotions that comes with this situation, I'm also finding myself 'fed up' at times. I'm trying hard to remain patient, and I ignore my mom's frequent negative attitudes. Basically the chemo is making those attitudes worse and it's hard to deal with. How do I deal with being a caretaker to my mother when she is increasingly grumpy (to put it mildly)? I ignore the grumpiness and don't blame her. However, it's still hard to deal with it all (everything....every, every..thing).

My mom's hair began to fall out one week ago, and now it's almost all gone. It's breaking my heard to see her go through this. There is hair all over the house. I try to clean it up quickly and discretely (I don't want her to feel bad about it, or see how shocking it looks around the house). I've ordered some lovely scarves and head coverings for her, and am waiting for them to arrive. I hope that she feels- at least- a bit better when she sees how beautiful they are, and how lovely she will look wearing them.

I want to know how to deal with all of this. Some days, I'm at my end. I have three school age children, and my mother is now here because of the cancer and chemo. I rarely have alone time with my husband.

I'm burnt out.

I'm fed up.

I'm scared.

WHAT the heck are we going to do, and HOW are we going to handle it? HOW AM I GOING TO KEEP IT ALL TOGETHER FOR MY MOTHER AND FAMILY? How am I not going to have a nervous and physical break down?
(BTW: I have a nuerological issue that I deal with. The medication makes me tired. I'm always tired. Always).

Chemo must do odd things to a person. On the one hand, I see that it has increased the negative attributes of my mother's personality. I supposed that it's also from feelng so tired and down all day long- being exhausted and ill wears on anyone. Surely that seriously gets to anyone.

She's very aggitated, moody, grumpy..., and now talks to herself most of the time. In the middle of speaking to her, she will being to just talk to herself (in a mummble). She's always been a person who talks to herself, but not like this. It's getting to be a bit disturbing, as I wonder if she's mentally ok right now.

I'm also angry. I'm angry because the doctors say that her five year survival rate is 15%, and it DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY! (Below I mention how it could have been prevented. Instead it turned into the biggest, worst things of our lives.)

That low statistic, of a 15% survival rate, is terrifying (although I'm not dweling on it, it sometimes 'hits' me). I've never told those numbers to her, and I don't plan to. The doctor won't tell her either, unless she comes out and asks him.

One the one hand, the low number helps to prepare me for the worse. On the other hand, I say 'ok, so she has a chance!'.

What is making me angry is that my mother could have prevented this. She is so health conscious and healthy (oh, besides the cancer); always into exercise, organic foods, vitaments. She's been healthy for YEARS. She's one of the only 60 year olds that I know who didn't (seem) to have a single health issue beyong seasonal allergies. She wasn't taking any medications. Didn't smoke. Rarely, rarely had a glass of wine. HOWEVER, she did NOT go to a doctor for regular check ups. She stopped going to an OB-GYN for pap exams several years ago (that's from what I heard her tell the docs. It might have been much longer).

If she was going for yearly exams, the docs say that they would have caught this early, and she'd have had a nearly 100% success of beating this. So since she didn't go to the doctors for exams, the cancer just grew and grew. They say it probably began two years ago. It grew until it caused a medical emergency and had to go by ambulance to the hospital after she almost hemorrhaged to death while at home, unable to stand up and get to the phone for 12 hours.

She then spent about 15 days in the hospital and underwent radical and evasive surgery, including multiple lymph node removal. I spent every day at the hospital with her- hours on end. Sometimes staying until the middle of the night before going home to sleep a few hours.

Now, I'm sad and angry. Angry because I might loose my mother. Angry because she might loose HER life. My kids might loose their grandmother. and yes, angry because I'm the caregiver to this while it could have been prevented if she'd only had regular pap exams. IT COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED!
And when she's so freaking crabby, and snapping at me, it's really ticks me off. It also hurts. I'm the one giving her such constant care!

The number one reason that I do all of this is for the sake of God. If I only did things for the sake of pleasing people, I'd surely have given up on many people a long time ago. Pleasing God must be my top motivator. When I remember that, it does make it easier to care for a negative grumpy person.

I'm also having trouble with her constantly wanting to run small errands. She's too tired to drive, so I take her. But it's increasingly hard, because I also have a life and family to run. I'm exhausted with these errands that are often for nonsense. Is she living in a bubble? Does she still think that she's living alone, or that everyone has the time for the things that SHE DID(does)? Oh God, I'm exhausted. Some days both physically and mentally.
How do I keep this up, or tell her that I can't keep up the type of schedule that she wants? She's also too tired for her own ideas, and it's makes the trips that much more exhausting for her, making her more miserable to be around and drive with. Our life and circumstances, now, are bad enough- must I now spend time in a small car in misery?

And yes, I feel guilt for complaining about this all. I'm just looking that the bigger, more practical, doable picture (and the picture that will keep me relatively SANE, the one trying to care for everyone.

I was recently accepted into grad school. I'm going to go ahead with the plan to enter the program this fall, but I'm pretty worried about it. How the heck will I take care of myself, the kids, husband, home...and mother? The first things on the list would have made it hard enough. But the cancer and chemo.

I might have said this, but I must say it again: I don't mind caring for my own mother. It is my duty and honor. But it's stil hard. I don't know how to do it. And when it's extra hard, I'm reminded of how this didn't have to be. oh and by the way, she is not aware that SHE could have prevented this. No one wants to say 'if you only did such and such'. (that would be a pretty crappy thing to say). She doesn't need to know or feel that this was largely preventable on her part. Telling her some of the details would be counterproductive (And she's let on that she's not interested- at least not yet- in the deeper details).

Sigh. I know that I'm rambling. I know this might not be all too coherant. It's late, I'm exhausted, and I'm burnt out. I don't know how I can do this. I need support people who know what I'm going through. It's so easy for people who have not been through this to give their advice or think that they know what will 'fix' this all. But it's too complex for easy fixes.

How do I deal with feeling FED UP on the days when my mother is a real...um....bear? How do I deal on days when there are many requests for this or that, and my kids are also fighting and nagging and being horrid? How do I deal when I have to keep pushing on even when I'm just too tired or sick to take care of everybody? How am I going to get through this? How will we ALL get through it? What can I do for my mother's hostile impatient moods? How do I remember not to take the moods personally? How do I become a robot?

Thanks for reading, or for just being here.
I realize it's a long note and blame no one for bailing after the first paragraph. I know that. I just went on and on because I needed to vent. And believe me, that vent is not like the ticked off, utterly frustrated vent like I had earlier today while texting my husband.

This is the first type of 'group support' that I've reached out to since this nightmare began on April 6, 2010.

THANK YOU! Take care all.

Sincerely,

-From Water