Something to Ponder

NBTXGIRL
NBTXGIRL Member Posts: 31
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My father had a colonoscopy of June 8, 2009, and was diagnosised with Colon Cancer with mets everywhere. We lost our battle on May 28th. The reason I say "we" is because I was right there every step of the way. As soon as he was released from the hospital he came straight to my house where he would eventually pass. We did chemo, we did radiation, we did many emergency room and hospital stays. Again, I drove, I sat, I waited, I stood guard and I slept in those horribly uncomfortable hospital chairs. Nothing we did helped, it got worse, it spread and he was miserable. I came here when I thought I would lose it. I had to make sure all of the feelings and emotions I was having were "normal". We fought so hard to try and beat this beast. We tried everything to make him comfortable, but we would also argue, over food (he didn't want it, but if he did, I once drove 20 miles because he wanted something specific), eating (he didn't want to, but if he was hungry at 3am I would cook it), taking meds (he didn't want to, if I had to hide it in his food, I would), even bathing (I would have to turn off the a/c and put a heater in the bathroom due to being to cold afterward), run to the drug store at midnight so we didn't run out of meds, anything that we felt we needed in order to sustain his life.

On April 30th he was hospitalized, he was in so much pain. I had to make the decision to stop everything, his oncologist agreed. He could no longer sit in an office, a car or even in bed. I brought him home one last time in an ambulance on May 7th after contracting pneumonia in the hospital. I packed all the furniture away, brought in a hospital bed so he could sit up, oxygen so he could breath, I hired a nurse, but was afraid to leave him, hospice would check on him and I would sleep on an air mattress next to his bed so he could hold my hand, because he told me he was afraid he would get lost and not be able to find me. The last thing my father said to me was that he loved me and I him.

After his passing I helped them place him on the gurney and wheel him out of my home for the last time. Then Hospice and I disposed of all of his medication. I had to pack up all of his medical supplies in order to get the room ready for all the family coming for the funeral. That is when it hit me, as I sat on the floor with a garbage bag in his room, I realized just moments before how absolutely necessary everything in that room was, WE could not live without it, WE had to have it and now I am throwing it all away in matter of moments.

Please take the time to in all of the frustration, hurt, pain and sorrow to let your loved one know the two of you will walk this path together and the two of you will fight together, and just how absolutely necessary they are to you. Because at the end of the day, you don't want to be left with a garbage bag.

Daddy may not be here with me physically, but we are still together, its just now I walk alone.

Comments

  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    #2
    NBTXGIRL
    Please accept my condolences on the loss of your dad. He must have been a wonderful man to have raised such a caring and loving daughter. That is a bond that will remain with you throughout your life. In time, you will smile when thinking of your dad and the relationship you had, you are now consumed with grief but with time, that grief will lift and happy thoughts of your dad will fill your eyes with tears.

    On the colorectal board we have a discussion "Memorials". Please place a post on there in memory of your Dad. It has been a tough year for the board with many losses but while we are saddened by the losses, we are also happy with the victories, and there have also been a few of those.

    Take care - Tina (caregiver to hubby George who has Stage IV colorectal cancer)
  • mdnikki
    mdnikki Member Posts: 34
    #3
    Oh how I can relate, I lost
    Oh how I can relate, I lost my mom on 5/8/2010. Packing up her life was so difficult. She was diagnosed only 3 months ago. I had no idea I would be doing all of this so quickly. We just sold her car and I cried so hard knowing that I would never see her in it again. I hate letting go of anything of hers but I know it is what she would have wanted.

    One of my friend said something to me several months ago (her mom died of cancer last year) and I wish I would have listened to her. She said while my mom was in the hospital that I should talk to her about her memories. Her growing up years, school days, early married years and our growing up years.

    I don't know why I didn't. I guess we were always on a rollercoaster ride of yes she is coming home, no she is going to rehab..then it was just to late..she was going to palletive care.

    Don't miss the opportunity to talk to your loved one about their lives. I suppose we put it off thinking it will upset them..or that it will somehow rush "the end". But I am so sorry that I didn't just get all the stories from her. My father passed away 10 years ago and I just feel like an orphan at times.
  • NBTXGIRL
    NBTXGIRL Member Posts: 31
    #4
    geotina said:

    NBTXGIRL
    Please accept my condolences on the loss of your dad. He must have been a wonderful man to have raised such a caring and loving daughter. That is a bond that will remain with you throughout your life. In time, you will smile when thinking of your dad and the relationship you had, you are now consumed with grief but with time, that grief will lift and happy thoughts of your dad will fill your eyes with tears.

    On the colorectal board we have a discussion "Memorials". Please place a post on there in memory of your Dad. It has been a tough year for the board with many losses but while we are saddened by the losses, we are also happy with the victories, and there have also been a few of those.

    Take care - Tina (caregiver to hubby George who has Stage IV colorectal cancer)

    Thank you
    Thank you Tina,

    I am sad that Daddy is gone, but I already smile when I think of him and the time we spent this past year together. Although it was extremely hard at times and we never knew what tomorrow would bring, we always acted like there was no tomorrow. I was close to my father growing up but I did not know him. This last year gave me the opportunity to actually see who he was inside. I want to make sure everyone does takes the time to really get to know there loved one. There are some really amazing people surrounding us and we don't even know it.

    Best of health to you and George.

    Kim
  • NBTXGIRL
    NBTXGIRL Member Posts: 31
    #5
    mdnikki said:

    Oh how I can relate, I lost
    Oh how I can relate, I lost my mom on 5/8/2010. Packing up her life was so difficult. She was diagnosed only 3 months ago. I had no idea I would be doing all of this so quickly. We just sold her car and I cried so hard knowing that I would never see her in it again. I hate letting go of anything of hers but I know it is what she would have wanted.

    One of my friend said something to me several months ago (her mom died of cancer last year) and I wish I would have listened to her. She said while my mom was in the hospital that I should talk to her about her memories. Her growing up years, school days, early married years and our growing up years.

    I don't know why I didn't. I guess we were always on a rollercoaster ride of yes she is coming home, no she is going to rehab..then it was just to late..she was going to palletive care.

    Don't miss the opportunity to talk to your loved one about their lives. I suppose we put it off thinking it will upset them..or that it will somehow rush "the end". But I am so sorry that I didn't just get all the stories from her. My father passed away 10 years ago and I just feel like an orphan at times.

    Hind sight
    Mdnikki,

    None of want to believe that it is actually going to happen. I think sometimes we feel like if we do a certain thing it will make everything that is happening to real. I did talk to my father and we had a lot of great conversations, but there is so much more I wish I knew. I will treasure his stories and pass them down to the family.

    I can relate about the car. The other night, I was going thru a bunch of paperwork looking for pictures to take the funeral home, when I found all of my parents and grandparents old financial documents. After 5 hours of separation, I realized it would take a month of Sundays to shred it all, so I went outside at about one o'clock in the morning (I am still on caregiver time) and fired up the BBQ pit. It was so surreal realizing that four lives were just going up in smoke.

    I am sorry you had such a short time with your Mother, my mom fought for ten years. As a new member to the orphanage, we have to remember that they are with us always.

    All my best,

    Kim
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #6
    My Deepest Sympathies
    So sorry for the recent loss of your dad. I lost my dad to ec with mets to the liver in March 2010. Your relationship with your father seems very like the one I had with my father. We were very close. We had a strong bond. From the beginning, through the middle, and to the end. I have tears in my eyes for both of us. We were our Daddy's Girls. We were the apple of their eye. We both did all that we could for them.

    I love your last line, that it is now that I walk alone. We will all walk together again and live in the Kingdom of God for eternity! God bless you and give you and your family peace at this difficult time.
    Tina
  • panks
    panks Member Posts: 36 Member
    #7
    Tina Blondek said:

    My Deepest Sympathies
    So sorry for the recent loss of your dad. I lost my dad to ec with mets to the liver in March 2010. Your relationship with your father seems very like the one I had with my father. We were very close. We had a strong bond. From the beginning, through the middle, and to the end. I have tears in my eyes for both of us. We were our Daddy's Girls. We were the apple of their eye. We both did all that we could for them.

    I love your last line, that it is now that I walk alone. We will all walk together again and live in the Kingdom of God for eternity! God bless you and give you and your family peace at this difficult time.
    Tina

    Truly believe
    I think one of Dales most profound statements after he decided to call in hospice was " I need to die so I can breathe again" I truly do believe we will be together again someday in heaven.Until then we really dont walk alone because God is right there with our every step.

    Panks
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #8
    NBTXGIRL said:

    Hind sight
    Mdnikki,

    None of want to believe that it is actually going to happen. I think sometimes we feel like if we do a certain thing it will make everything that is happening to real. I did talk to my father and we had a lot of great conversations, but there is so much more I wish I knew. I will treasure his stories and pass them down to the family.

    I can relate about the car. The other night, I was going thru a bunch of paperwork looking for pictures to take the funeral home, when I found all of my parents and grandparents old financial documents. After 5 hours of separation, I realized it would take a month of Sundays to shred it all, so I went outside at about one o'clock in the morning (I am still on caregiver time) and fired up the BBQ pit. It was so surreal realizing that four lives were just going up in smoke.

    I am sorry you had such a short time with your Mother, my mom fought for ten years. As a new member to the orphanage, we have to remember that they are with us always.

    All my best,

    Kim

    thank you
    Thanks for sharing your experience so eloquently. I cared for my father, too, and there is great peace to come, I promise. And it's true that he never really left in some ways. I'm caring for Mom now, and somehow he is here, eight years later.

    Doesn't it make you smile to think of being loved well and unconditionally until the day your earthwalk is over? Only caregivers know what this feels like, to know you have given such a singular and profound gift to another person.

    Good luck with this day, just this one. In her grief memoir, Joan Didion describes being left alone with a garbage bag full of medical detritus after her husband suddenly died. They are powerful moments, aren't they?
  • junklady
    junklady Member Posts: 88 Member
    #9
    panks said:

    Truly believe
    I think one of Dales most profound statements after he decided to call in hospice was " I need to die so I can breathe again" I truly do believe we will be together again someday in heaven.Until then we really dont walk alone because God is right there with our every step.

    Panks

    Panks, You make me cry
    I couldn't stop crying when I read your post. My husband's name is Dale too. We are walking slowing walking down the road to heaven. He often writes that he is so sick and tired of waiting to die. He truly is having the most difficult time breathing and just living. Your husband's statement rings true to my Dale's feelings. I just wish he would write down everything he wants to express, but he is one that just keeps so much inside. When I attempt to ask, he just says he does not want to talk about it, and waves me off. My heart is breaking and I'm crying inside everyday that goes by. I hope that God is truly there with our every step as you say. take care.
  • panks
    panks Member Posts: 36 Member
    #10
    junklady said:

    Panks, You make me cry
    I couldn't stop crying when I read your post. My husband's name is Dale too. We are walking slowing walking down the road to heaven. He often writes that he is so sick and tired of waiting to die. He truly is having the most difficult time breathing and just living. Your husband's statement rings true to my Dale's feelings. I just wish he would write down everything he wants to express, but he is one that just keeps so much inside. When I attempt to ask, he just says he does not want to talk about it, and waves me off. My heart is breaking and I'm crying inside everyday that goes by. I hope that God is truly there with our every step as you say. take care.

    never complained
    Sounds like your Dale is alot like my Dale. Not once did he complain or say why me.He told me one day nobody knows how much I'm suffering, and he was right I knew what I could see, his chest trying to move in and out but even though I sat there trying to breathe for him I truly cant imagine what its like to take a breath and have it stop half way every time i inhale.There is so much pain of him not being here with me right now, and I'm still trying to come to peace knowing he is not suffereing anymore. I know that is the selfish part of me, but hey we are after all only human with human emotions and feelings.
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120 Member
    #11
    panks said:

    never complained
    Sounds like your Dale is alot like my Dale. Not once did he complain or say why me.He told me one day nobody knows how much I'm suffering, and he was right I knew what I could see, his chest trying to move in and out but even though I sat there trying to breathe for him I truly cant imagine what its like to take a breath and have it stop half way every time i inhale.There is so much pain of him not being here with me right now, and I'm still trying to come to peace knowing he is not suffereing anymore. I know that is the selfish part of me, but hey we are after all only human with human emotions and feelings.

    Just wanted to thank-you both
    Hi Junklady and Panks...
    I have been following this thread and wanted to thank-you both for sharing you heart wrenching situations.
    Reading what both of your husbands went though and are still going though really opened my eyes..and took some of the pain away.
    I was and still am going though the grief over losing Bill....but reading your posts tells me that God was so kind to both Bill and I....he did not suffer..well with the pain in the beginning...but once that was controlled he was comfortable right up to the end of his life.
    He had none of the discomfort that your husbands went though.
    I too got a bit selfish with wanting him to just stay with me...but had he done that he too would have had to suffer...which he did not.
    He was a quiet guy too....never shared much...we did get to talk in the last weeks...but he still didn't want to talk much about his disease..but we did get to share and I am gratefull for that.
    I see clearly now...the gift I was given...thank-you for sharing your stories....you both gave me some peace with Bill's passing and more importantly with myself...I know we both made the right choice.
    Blessings to Both of you.
    Pat
  • NBTXGIRL
    NBTXGIRL Member Posts: 31
    #12
    Barbara53 said:

    thank you
    Thanks for sharing your experience so eloquently. I cared for my father, too, and there is great peace to come, I promise. And it's true that he never really left in some ways. I'm caring for Mom now, and somehow he is here, eight years later.

    Doesn't it make you smile to think of being loved well and unconditionally until the day your earthwalk is over? Only caregivers know what this feels like, to know you have given such a singular and profound gift to another person.

    Good luck with this day, just this one. In her grief memoir, Joan Didion describes being left alone with a garbage bag full of medical detritus after her husband suddenly died. They are powerful moments, aren't they?

    Thank you
    Yes, Barbara, I feel great joy to know that I was able to give my father all of "me". So many times, when we are faced with crisis, we bury our heads in the sand. I was able to stand tall and carry him when he was to weak to carry on. I will treasure every moment together, no matter how hard they were at times.

    Best wishes to you and your mother.

    Kim
  • NBTXGIRL
    NBTXGIRL Member Posts: 31
    #13
    Tina Blondek said:

    My Deepest Sympathies
    So sorry for the recent loss of your dad. I lost my dad to ec with mets to the liver in March 2010. Your relationship with your father seems very like the one I had with my father. We were very close. We had a strong bond. From the beginning, through the middle, and to the end. I have tears in my eyes for both of us. We were our Daddy's Girls. We were the apple of their eye. We both did all that we could for them.

    I love your last line, that it is now that I walk alone. We will all walk together again and live in the Kingdom of God for eternity! God bless you and give you and your family peace at this difficult time.
    Tina

    Thank you
    Thank you Tina,

    I was sorry to read about your father as well. Yes, we will always be Daddy's little girls or in my case, I was known as the "third son", because I was always out there with Daddy working like one of the boys. Yes, we will all walk together in God's Kingdom, but until then I must CARRY him in my heart forever.

    I wish you all the best.

    Kim
  • NBTXGIRL
    NBTXGIRL Member Posts: 31
    #14
    panks said:

    Truly believe
    I think one of Dales most profound statements after he decided to call in hospice was " I need to die so I can breathe again" I truly do believe we will be together again someday in heaven.Until then we really dont walk alone because God is right there with our every step.

    Panks

    Absolutely
    Absolutely Panks,

    I know we will all rejoice together in heaven. I have told so many people over the years and here on this board, "that I am sorry for their loss." Recently, I have been told, "how sorry people are for my loss my father." I realized, our loved ones are not lost. We know exactly where they are, they are in our hearts and with God watching over us and our families, free to be where ever they are needed through eternity.

    I wish you comfort today.

    Kim
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #15
    NBTXGIRL said:

    Thank you
    Thank you Tina,

    I was sorry to read about your father as well. Yes, we will always be Daddy's little girls or in my case, I was known as the "third son", because I was always out there with Daddy working like one of the boys. Yes, we will all walk together in God's Kingdom, but until then I must CARRY him in my heart forever.

    I wish you all the best.

    Kim

    Kim Panks and Junk Lady
    Thank you all for your recent posts. They really all hit home with me. Memories of my dad come flooding back into my mind, he too wanted to die so much, he would pray for this each day. He wanted to die so he could breath again, and not have to suffer or be in pain anymore. I am so relieved that he did pass peacefully, and that his prayers were answered. Hoping they can all meet up in heaven and become forever friends. Junklady my heart goes out to you and Dale. I know his suffering, is taking its toal on both of you. Give Dale your blessing, give him the peace to know it is ok for him to move on. My dad would not pass on until we all gave him our blessings. Peace be with you at this most difficult time. Panks and Kim, we will get through this together. Hugs to all of you.
    Tina

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